At what age does a man living with his parents becomes a red flag, ick or deal breaker?

EulenWatcher · 2024-12-19T19:21:03+00:00

It depends on the context, so I don't think there's just one cut-off line. Living with your parents in your late 20s because you've never been employed or able to to keep a job while being relatively healthy is different from moving in with your parents in your 30s, because they need your help or because you want to save up for a mortgage.

It's good for people to have experience of living on their own, but I get that it isn't possible for everyone. I lived with my friend for a short time, but I still was financially dependent on my mother, as I was a 16 y.o. student with no job. Then my husband (boyfriend at that time) moved in, and I've basically never lived completely on my own or alone. He doesn't have an experience of completely autonomous living either, and that's fine. I know a guy who lived on his own for a bit, but now lives with his father, because he has to help him out. I'm sure it affects his dating life negatively, but there are things we just have to do.

Siukslinis_acc · 2024-12-19T19:21:23+00:00

If you don't contribute to the household either financialy of by labour.

Whoreasaurus_Rex · 2024-12-19T19:16:42+00:00

Totally depends on the situation.

AngeAware · 2024-12-19T19:36:42+00:00

Oh boy. That's a tricky one. I was never one to be hung up on that sort of thing, especially because I'm not interested in premarital sex and never really needed to worry about that from a logistical standpoint.

My SO's parents had very different ideas. I think he lived at home for a couple of months after undergrad until they were like "he's never going to find a wife like this" and basically sat him down and presented him with apartment options not too far from their house. They're "blessed" as we say in the south, so the finances were never really an issue. It did take some him some time to adjust to living alone though. And a couple of pets.

Nellylocheadbean · 2024-12-19T20:36:18+00:00

As someone who lives in a city where the average rent is 4k+, living with parents doesn’t bother me too much.

waffleznstuff30 · 2024-12-20T05:07:36+00:00

It's kinda the usual here because the cost of living is so great. Most adult children are helping to support their parents because of the high costs of rent/living. So it's not out of the ordinary to expect that.

However if they have no job, no ambition, they are randomly unemployed or have a get rich quick scheme. Stay home and play video games all day. Parents still take care of him kind of deal absolute no go.

DoubleFistBishh · 2024-12-20T05:10:41+00:00

Hmm it really depends on the reason. It's a red flag or deal breaker if he's not working or contributing anything to stay there.

Xeltar · 2024-12-19T22:12:17+00:00

It really depends on the reason for it. If somebody lives with their parents because they are perennially unemployed with no ambitions/capability, then I'd feel we wouldn't be be compatible. But like if they moved back in to help their parents out or to save money then I don't really mind; where my parents immigrated from, this is expected even.

It's kind of like if they are capable of functioning as an independent adult. The person I dated who was living with parents in his mid 20s was quite strange though but anecdotal evidence and wasn't related to living at home.

Practical-Delay-344 · 2024-12-19T21:39:05+00:00

I don't have a problem with it per se. I have my own rented flat, so there's enough privacy. My ex still lived with his family at 30. The issue was that he lived there like a teenager without any responsibilities. His mom cooked for him, cleaned for him and did his laundry. He had very little understanding for when I needed to do housework instead of entertaining him. I was afraid that if the relationship continued and we'd move in together, he wouldn't pull his weight at home.

CreepyVictorianDolls · 2024-12-19T21:42:31+00:00

Depends on his reasons. By itself it isn't a red flag. Multigenerational homes are still a thing where I live.

Makuta_Servaela · 2024-12-20T00:56:11+00:00

Depends why he is living with them.

Under 26: Totally fine regardless of circumstance.

Over 26: Fine if he has a career or has an honest interest in getting one, and is living with them either because he is supporting one or both of them, just happened to have a rough patch and is getting back on his feet, is just in a landlord/tenant situation with them, is trying to save money while going back to school or deal with medical/other issues, etc, AND he is supportive around the house.

Basically, if he has no interest in self-reliance, then no-go. If he has an honest interest and is making an honest effort where he can, but for whatever reason just isn't on his own right now, or his parents are relying on him, then that's fine.

Also, it is important that his relationship with his parents is an adult one. This is not them babying him, this is just an adult living in their house, the same as any housemates would be. So the parents need to mind their business, can't restrict him from having me over or restrict us from having privacy in his bedroom, etc. This is not a fault of him, but does show an over-bearing future MIL/FIL, and shows my potential future husband can't put up boundaries with his parents, which means in the future, he may let them bully me.

My close friend is in the situation where her MIL, despite living literally the planet away, still gets to call the shots in how my friend raises her children, because my friend's husband tells mommy-dearest everything, and obeys her every word on raising the kids even if her words are clearly bad.

fiftypoundpuppy · 2024-12-20T03:18:44+00:00

It's kind of a deal-breaker, part of my vetting involves seeing how a guy managed when he lives alone. But I have a close friend who lives with his mom specifically to be her caretaker because she had a stroke and is incapable of living by herself 24/7, so honestly that's similar as it's not like she's capable of cooking or cleaning or household management tasks.

I wouldn't be willing to live with a guy until we're at least engaged, and I wouldn't be engaged to a guy without seeing how he manages independently for an extended period of time. If he happens to meet all my other requirements I'm not going to immediately rule him out, but if there was any uncertainty it would. I'd have to really like him to overlook it initially.

I'm 38 in a MCOL city though

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2024-12-20T06:50:32+00:00

wouldnt bother me, he can come move in with me

pentatonicartichoke · 2024-12-19T19:22:08+00:00

That entirely depends on the situation.

A friend of mine just turned 30. He is living with his family right now.

He had a very rough breakup one year ago, of a relationship that lasted for 7 years. They lived in a flat owned by his ex's parents before the breakup.

He decided he wanted to buy a place of his own, but the housing prices in his city are insane, so he moved back with his parents to save for the down payment, and to get some much needed emotional support.

It looks like he'll buy a flat already spring/summer 2025.

That man is one of the greenest flags I know. Absolutely fantastic human being.

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2024-12-19T19:27:44+00:00

I think it doesn't matter if you live there now but if you are ready and willing to move out any second. It's reasonable to save money if you don't have to move because of the job. Why should you live somewhere alone or with strangers and pay money only for a place to sleep just so you could say you live ALONE... So I think it doesn't matter, you save money. What matters is if you are willing and ready to move out with a partner.

Realistic-Ad-1023 · 2024-12-19T20:38:28+00:00

I met my partner at 29. He was living with his parents and saving for a house. It’s why we have a home today, he was ready when interests rates were at an all time low. We were compatible everywhere else so it wasn’t a problem.

But a man who has no career trajectory, or no job at all, lazy, games all day, isn’t responsible or motivated - I guess whether he was 19 or 29, they’d be a turnoff for me personally. I’m very motivated, always had my own vehicle, apartment, and spending money, worked more than one job at a time, etc. I couldn’t function dating someone who didn’t have a similar lifestyle. We just wouldn’t be compatible. But if he’s at home and we are compatible, the being at home wasn’t a dealbreaker at all - potential incompatibility is.

Fab_Glam_Obsidiam · 2024-12-19T21:16:08+00:00

In this economy it shouldn't matter. By 30 he could easily be living at home just to take care of his parents.

ThatBitchA · 2024-12-19T21:15:08+00:00

My rule was to "never date a man who still lives at home".

It's just not my vibe. Could there be an exception? Maybe. I never cared enough to find out.

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S0yslut · 2024-12-19T20:23:30+00:00

I don’t care if his plan is saving money for us to get a place together, I have dated successful men living with their parents paying off student loans or saving money. I care more that you are consistently and stably employed. I lived with my parents until almost moving in with my husband but I would have continued living with my parents otherwise. I also care that he is contributing to household labor and not leaving it to his parents.

Sillysheila · 2024-12-19T23:39:35+00:00

Honestly I think many women are more understanding about it now because it’s so hard to move out of home financially nowadays. Many women are in the exact same boat, including my best friend. She’ll likely never move out of her aging mother’s apartment even when mom passes because she has more severe autism than me and it’s harder for her to find suitable employment. Sometimes she can’t follow people’s instructions very well or do things fast enough so jobs won’t hire her. What disability she gets is not really very much even just to rent.

My partner bounced between living at home and living in a dorm when I met him. It’s kind of a common experience for millennials and people my age (30) that’s why we’re sometimes referred to as the “boomerang generation”. When we experience setbacks, rent is thousands of dollars not hundreds like ye days of olde, so you see some people who moved out and moved back like five-ten times.

I guess if I had to put an age on it maybe 35-40, but I also didn’t really want to wait that long to date, so I didn’t. When I was younger, it didn’t bother me that my partner sometimes lived at home, because he showed me that he could save money even on a small income on part time jobs and TAing (he usually had a few thousand saved), he held interest in investing money and did invest small amounts in some things, there was a clear plan for his future, he was never a NEET.

Many women won’t mind someone saving up a down payment and working a job living at home. Or they won’t mind say, a med student living at home. But most of them probably won’t want to date a man that hasn’t been employed for five years and sits at home watching movies and eating pizza.

Laniekea · 2024-12-20T00:00:12+00:00

I know 60 year old men who live with their parents because their parents have health issues and need round the clock care. I don't think it's age as much as situation

RecognitionSoft9973 · 2024-12-20T00:07:50+00:00

I don't care. I live with my parents too, but I have a job & savings (for now, given the CAD is going down the shitter, who knows). I also buy them a lot of gifts so they keep me around. lol No, j/k, Asian parents tend to be okay with their kids living with them if they're unmarried, even at older ages. I have a family friend with a daughter who had a stable job but didn't move out until her 40s. She's single.

I'm saving up for a down payment while living with them, so I'm very happy. Otherwise I would be renting out a room in someone's basement, paying $1200+ to be at the whim of someone who could kick me out or raise the rent if they felt like it. No way I'm paying $2000 a month to rent a 1-bedroom condo, which is the average rent around here. I could split a 2-bed with a roommate, but I don't care to deal with that.

There's no way I'd look down on someone for living with their parents. If housing were dirt cheap here, then maybe. I don't mind if he lives with his parents as long as he's supporting himself with a stable job and can do his own chores.

Disastrous-Chart-928 · 2024-12-20T01:13:31+00:00

Nowadays, never. It's just an unfair and outdated standard. It's more financially viable for young men to stay at home right now, but they can't win either way, he's either going to be struggling and barely surviving, which most women consider undatable or stay at home and at least keep his wages, which is still undatable. The world is changing, we're going to see a shift towards generational housing again; I know plenty of grown men in their 20's with degrees stuck at home through no fault of their own. I know dudes well into their 30's that are back at home because things are so tough, there's no shame in it. These days you NEED a partner or some sort of shared living to get a decent place, assuming you want to live somewhat comfortably, you don't get the place first THEN find the partner. I also believe this is one of the key reasons why men are struggling to date, because of these outdated perquisites. I see how this is affecting my little brothers and it just sucks. We have completely failed in dissolving some of these standards, at the very least we should be trying to make other women more open minded about men's living situations and focusing on other aspects of their actual character that reflect a good partner, not things they possess.

Also staying at home doesn't mean he's actually sharing the same building with his parents, my boyfriend lives at home but he accumulated wealth which he couldn't have done if he moved out, used the money to build us a small cottage on his parents property. We get to stay close to the family, and he keeps his hard earned money.

A lot of people on here are well into their 30's/40's and don't understand that things are just different now, having a shitty car and a mouldy apartment that drain most your wages from your 60-80 hour week job are the new luxuries of today.

missmireya · 2024-12-19T20:24:36+00:00

Major ick and I flat out refuse to date a guy still living at home. But I'm also in my 40s and I don't date younger.

A few years ago I did match with a guy through online dating who was 52 and told me that he had moved back in with his parents. He had also just recently divorced. I unmatched him immediately.

Sharp_Engineering379 · 2024-12-19T21:21:02+00:00

I don’t care. My siblings and I have agreed that our parents will never be in a home so one of us is going to have to live with them. They’ve already added an addition with a separate entrance for one of my brothers.

I was lucky enough to buy a house ten years ago, but I don’t how most people under thirty can afford a mortgage and a car right now. Living at home just makes more sense for people who make less than $80-100K

Flightlessbirbz · 2024-12-19T21:21:18+00:00

Depends on what the situation is. Lives with parents while saving up for a house/actively getting back on his feet, doesn’t want to continue living there forever, contributes to chores/expenses = fine. Has no real plans to move out, is 30+ and never lived away from home before, either no job or hordes all the money he makes, doesn’t help out, likes mommy doing his laundry, entirely too comfortable with the situation = no go.

A lot of people have to live with parents in this economy, both my husband and I had moved back in with our parents after our last breakups. However, we also were both very clear that we didn’t intend for it to be like that indefinitely. And the year I lived with him and his family was tough - having parents nosing into your business is not an ideal way to start cohabitation. However, we made it work, and having roommates was honestly even worse, so.

MotherPermit9585 · 2024-12-19T21:33:51+00:00

Any age is fine tbh. That in and of itself isn’t a big deal.

Title	At what age does a man living with his parents becomes a red flag, ick or deal breaker?
Author	Equal_Connect
Upvotes	10
Comments	106
Date	December 19, 2024 5:45 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1hhyhtj/at_what_age_does_a_man_living_with_his_parents/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/at-what-age-does-a-man-living-with-his-parents.1538988 https://theredarchive.com/post/1538988

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