On verge of divorce .. What do you say to your wife who says “why aren’t you trying everything”.

TheGreatSageAndOnion · 2025-03-05T16:46:36+00:00

I think deep down, we don’t change as people. Maybe therapy can adjust us, but I have the same insecurities, urges and shortcomings, I just know how not to trigger them. If she hasn’t changed now, she never will.

dudefromyork · 2025-02-28T12:44:28+00:00

I’ve never met a man who’s come out of counselling and said “you know what, it turns out not everything is my fault”. It’s a one sided game and the house always wins! 🤣

engineered-chemistry · 2025-02-27T17:07:24+00:00

Have you laid out exactly what you want to be different? Major changes in a long marriages take hardwork from both of you. If the marriage can be saved I would suggest trying and seek individual therapy FIRST before couples therapy. An indifferent sounding board can be very beneficial to ask questions if your needs/wants are rooted in a larger issue. Divorce brings the absolute worst out in even good people, avoid it if you both can.

AvacodoCartwheeler · 2025-02-27T16:08:50+00:00

I think the question you need to be asking yourself is... Is she manipulating you with the threat of divorce? One thing that's clear from what you've written is that she thinks she is the prize (maybe she is?) and you need to step up to her standards. Her asking you why you aren't trying "everything" is her trying to both negotiate with you and validate her self-worth.

A question I'd ask myself is how much merit is there to what she's demanding (the thing/s that made her say she wanted to divorce)? Then after an honest inflection I'd ask myself if I want to be with someone who's willing to manipulate me and make demands for me to change.

Something many of us have had to accept is that you can't change anyone, but you can choose who to spend time with. Something a lot of us still struggle to accept is that we don't get to define what changes someone "needs" to make.

Good luck.

NilEntity · 2025-02-27T07:56:19+00:00

I'm coming at this from the other side. My ex blindsided me with "it's over" out of pretty much nowhere. No clear prior warning etc. and when she finally spelled out clearly that she's unhappy she was already at the "it's over, nothing to salvage" stage. I wish she'd gotten me prior warning so I, we could have tried ... something, anything. Especially for our daughter.
It's been close to two years and she still occasionally asks why we can't be/live together anymore and it breaks my heart each time.
I may have my share of the responsibilty in the issues that caused it, but I didn't choose it, her mom chose that for all of us because she didn't want even to try and wanted to be with her emotional AP, but I can't tell my daughter that (yet), good parental relationship and all that ...

So I get where your wife's coming from, imho if there was no affair etc. and if you have children especially but should at least try to make it work again.
If there are no children imho it's not quite as important because it's only two adults involved, no innocent children who also have to through the shit without fault of their own. Still worth a shot though.

But as you say that she actually asked for divorce in the past and you didn't want it ... kinda murky situation.
You said you didn't put a lot of effort into counseling. As someone who didn't even get the chance to do counseling, I'd say at least give it a decent, honest shot for a while. If it still doesn't work out, at least you gave it an honest effort and you can call it quits with a clearer conscience.

Tall_Lavishness3801 · 2025-02-27T05:55:41+00:00

You don't really have to justify anything to her. Just tell her it's your life, and you've made a decision.

If you are truly done, you have to start thinking in terms of "me" and "I" instead of "we" and "us".

BigPapaJava · 2025-02-27T03:19:46+00:00

I was there, right down to two unsuccessful stints in couples counseling that I paid thousands for over a couple of years.

She was always using guilt and shame as a manipulation tool, never took responsibility for anything but demanded I be "accountable" for everything.

There's no saving it. I made the mistake of “trying everything” for years. In the end, she decided that was nothing—literally told me I’d contributed nothing in our entire marriage because she couldn’t remember a single thing I’d done when I’d devoted everything to her and sacrificed for her and our family at every turn. It was all meaningless.

If she doesn’t value you or what you already do and have done, throwing more and more of yourself into her bottomless pit isn’t going to finally be enough.

Rustic_Father · 2025-02-27T02:54:31+00:00

If it has broken down that far…. There isn’t anything you can say

Particular_Act7478 · 2025-02-27T02:21:49+00:00

Time for your freedom and your joy. Guilt trips are manipulative 🤮

Quaddro21 · 2025-02-27T01:01:40+00:00

My court date is fast approaching and my soon to be ex, keep literally begging me to not go through with it. Claims it’s in the best interests of the kids. The kids deserve at least 1 happy parent, she’s miserable. I’ve have enough after 14 years of marriage, the last 5 being absolute shit.

I don’t see any chance of a future with her any longer and if you feel that way and aren’t being clouded by another woman or ulterior motive then you are doing the right thing

Boomhower113 · 2025-02-27T01:00:08+00:00

It sounds like there a slim chance of saving this, but it also sounds like you’ve checked out. Once you hit that point, it’s pretty tough to ever be happy with her again.

However, I’ve been wrong before.

Necessary-Song9881 · 2025-02-27T00:52:59+00:00

Makes sense. Is she willing to meet your needs?

kdthex01 · 2025-02-27T00:35:52+00:00

“You don’t think you need to change. I do. I think we are done here.”

regertsrus · 2025-02-27T00:26:45+00:00

Sounds like she the one who needs to try...

TheNattyJew · 2025-02-26T23:40:59+00:00

My impression of marriage counseling is that the wife and the counselor gang up on the man to make him out to be the bad guy. Counselors know that the women are the real customer that they have to please. As well, there are lots of stories from men that every time they found a counselor that held her to some level of accountability, his wife would demand that they go to a different one

AKA_Wildcard · 2025-02-26T23:13:38+00:00

I don’t think you’re in the right subreddit for marital advice. I will say this, divorce can be a horrible thing. In my situation, I think it would’ve been better for us to have separated for a while to clear the air and provide clarity on the relationship. I’ll also say that if either of you are dealing with depression fix that first. Depression doesn’t get better after divorce. I wish you the best, it definitely sounds like you both need couples counseling and I highly recommend talking to a therapist for yourself. One last comment, if you feel like the current marriage counselor you have sucks don’t waste your time with them and get your wife to agree to try another place.

47omek · 2025-02-26T22:57:25+00:00

Marriage counseling is a waste of money, brains, and time (WOMBAT). Especially with a woman who believes she is incapable of doing anything wrong. Rip the bandaid off, find an attorney, and file for divorce. Don't tip her off though, the next time she hears the D word should be when she's handed the divorce petition that your attorney filed the day before.

spl1111 · 2025-02-26T22:55:57+00:00

I would say, if you have a sliver of desire/hope to make it work then try something…I would not personally push that kind of money into the problem.

My wife asked me last night if I would do counseling and I said no. I have been trying for a long time, and for good reasons like alcoholism, I can’t see any intervention helping come back from where I am. It’s really sad

JustSomeDude7287 · 2025-02-26T22:52:59+00:00

It’s all future faking to get you to rug sweep the whole situation.

If she’s using guilt then she’s not being accountable on her side and doing DARVO on you.

It’s time to move on, sadly. People don’t change unless something drastic happens and this is one of those events, however if they aren’t willing to change then it’s not as severe for her as it is for you.

SingleCouchSurfer · 2025-02-26T22:45:58+00:00

Do the counselling with the goal being to be able to go to an enjoyable retreat together

Whatever barriers to your communication you both might have you will both have to let go of some formed ideas and take on new ones if you want it to continue

I only had 14 years of love and friendship and just under 10 years married before my wife off and left me with my dog. If she wants to do the work, I say give it a go.

My ex wife doesn't even acknowledge my existence, I have been an amazing and supportive husband but she just got sick of me left.

Fyfel · 2025-02-26T22:32:59+00:00

I would give marriage counseling a solid chance, at least then you’ll know you actually gave it your all. I hear you say you tried for 22 years but you may have been trying with the wrong approach or there could be a better one to get you the outcome you want.

Not saying it’ll work but at least then you’ll know for sure and for your kids if you have any. If anything else you’ll show up better in your next relationship.

Sad-Present-1077 · 2025-02-26T22:23:47+00:00

I would not spend 3k on a weekend retreat. Nope.

Couples therapy can be useful, but I’d recommend you both do individual therapy too. If you’re not sure you want to leave that is.

Zealousideal_Try_864 · 2025-02-26T22:23:26+00:00

“Why aren’t you?”

clvitte · 2025-02-26T22:22:19+00:00

I just don’t want it anymore-

VeteranEntrepreneurs · 2025-02-26T22:04:18+00:00

My therapist said “focus on yourself, she has her own truth and story and it might not be aligned to yours, so focus on what you want”

Emotional-Change-722 · 2025-02-26T21:35:08+00:00

I’m an ex- wife.

She’s guilt tripping you. Is she in therapy for and by herself?

My ex and I made it through a few sessions but I knew that him banging his assistant would hurt less than his mental games and once I told the therapist that- he declared us “non salvageable.” No amount of therapy would fix us and me putting my feet down made him mad, but not as mad as serving him papers.

Just serve the papers. Don’t wait.

jimsmythee · 2025-02-26T21:23:39+00:00

It's to transfer GUILT from them to 100% on you.

That way she can feel justified that "It's all my ex-husband's fault. He didn't fight for the marriage. He didn't carve his limbs off with a chainsaw to save the marriage. He abandoned the marriage." That way she can tell all of her family and friends that it's 100% not her fault, not even 1% her fault. It's all on you buddy-boy!

My exwife was the same way. All Jim's fault. Jim didn't fight for the marriage. Jim just abandoned the marriage.

Granted, my exwife's addictions to pills were the cause of our divorce and her disasters. But she would never admit to that! It was just easier to blame me for everything.

DenyHerYourEssence · 2025-02-26T21:02:37+00:00

It’s pointless to go to counseling with someone who can’t introspect or admit some fault for bad outcomes. All the person will do is present his/her case to the counselor and try to “win.” I would tell your wife that you aren’t trying everything/anything because you don’t see a scenario where she will put in actual work to improve your marriage.

guy_n_cognito_tu · 2025-02-26T20:57:51+00:00

"I'm done trying. You seem to think that I'm the only one with problems in this relationship, so there's nothing for us to fix."

freakpowerparty · 2025-02-26T20:53:53+00:00

Going through the same thing with my wife of 28 years… It’s important to remember you are not perfect. You have caused issues in your marriage that you may not even be aware of…If you care about this woman if you have enough fight in you left to fight for you guys… I would recommend doing it… There’s got to be a reason you stayed with her this long. But only you know, bud… You know what’s in your heart when you turn the lights off and she’s not there…

Title	On verge of divorce .. What do you say to your wife who says “why aren’t you trying everything”.
Author	woodford11
Upvotes	34
Comments	70
Date	February 26, 2025 8:50 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1iyxw7y/on_verge_of_divorce_what_do_you_say_to_your_wife/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/on-verge-of-divorce-what-do-you-say-to-your-wife.1545053 https://theredarchive.com/post/1545053

Comments