Post Divorce Guilt

VeteranEntrepreneurs · 2025-07-26T18:20:51+00:00

New chapter in life means the story might be different. You deserve to live your life on your terms in your new chapter and be different. You were married to her, so you loved her at one point in your life, if you didn’t care or have guilt, that would be a bigger problem in my opinion. My ex-wife is a complete shit show, I feel sorry for her but her choices to not grow and so the work is on her, not me. Keep growing and being happy, it’s your new story brother, you deserve it.

Ark161 · 2025-07-26T03:30:15+00:00

The "improved you" came at great cost. Also

"...I want her to be happy but just not with me, go do your thing and flourish but she doesn’t want to. She’s had 2 failed relationships since the divorce and decided that it’s me or no one..."

I get this man, but really her statement was more than likely made out of jealousy and to screw with you. Yeah, it isn't fair, but you put in the work. These things are always 50/50 and there is a reason you couldn't (or wouldn't) make the same growth as you are now. Shit, the hardest thing to get over for me in my divorce was my ex-wife brought up a bunch of little things that she didnt consider addressed that could have been fixed in like....a week....TOPS...I had to sit there and think along the same lines of, "was it really that fucking simple? Was I too stupid to see how I sabatoged everything???". However, I discovered that because we can't control the actions of others, we put more weight on our own actions in the situation. No shit we want our old lives back, but with the divorce, it has been dead for a while now; let it go. You healed man, you have a good thing going for you, don't let this poison your future. A lot of us wish we could go back and fix things but I will tell you this, if she felt the same, she would have brought up those issues, there would have been fights, and it would have come to a head. There is nothing wrong with reflection, but again, dont let would/could/should break your future.

TangerineTasty9787 · 2025-07-26T00:51:17+00:00

Why did you have a get together with your ex wife?

Ok-Cause1108 · 2025-07-25T13:54:37+00:00

Blame is always 50/50 for a divorce. You both lacked communication skills.

When the right man comes along your ex will be getting married again. 75% of divorcees remarry within 5 years.

You did the best with the tools you had at the time. So did your ex. The starter marriage got you to where you need to be as a man. No need to feel guilty about improving yourself.

bigt · 2025-07-24T14:44:38+00:00

Just wanted to post to say that my divorce is pretty close to final (we've been separated 16 months), and I definitely am a much better man to my girlfriend. I have had these exact same thoughts.

For me, I think part of the reason I'm a better partner to my girlfriend is because I *knew* what I was looking for and what I was interested in, only after 17 years of failure with getting/giving what was needed in my marriage. I chose a better partner.

Bottom line, we can all be amazing people if we do the work, AND if we're with the right person that we're compatible with.

I miss the life of a bigger house, sharing the chores, sharing the driving of the kids around... Also, I hate what a hard time my kids are having with this divorce. "How come my life sucks now, and it's all because of you and mom?" UGH. But I don't miss the reasons I left her.

I don't know the details of your marriage, but in my case, I've come to terms that I could have done more work in our marriage, but if she wasn't doing the work -- even during three years of couples therapy -- then what's the point? Maybe we get back together and she does the work for a year or two... but the history is there. The trust lost is going to take so many years to rebuild. Nah. Better to move on.

ng_rddt · 2025-07-23T12:17:06+00:00

We can’t answer your question without knowing more about what each of you did wrong and who initiated the divorce.

FUMoney · 2025-07-23T07:42:25+00:00

Grass
Not Greener
Goto 10

FatherOfBean · 2025-07-23T07:09:12+00:00

I’m freshly divorced and this is on my mind constantly and it makes me scared to move on to something else.

QuoteDisastrous5224 · 2025-07-23T06:35:51+00:00

bla-bla-bla . . . she just found out that the grass is NOT that green to the other side . . . so . . .don't feel guilty . . . focus on yourself and to your son and move on and just be polite to your ex as co-parent . . . move on and enjoy your life ...take care

maturin_nj · 2025-07-23T06:13:12+00:00

The compliment is great. Thank her. Now you ghost her.

mehmench · 2025-07-23T05:22:59+00:00

The 'new, improved you' was always there - she was just to stuck on being angry at you and keeping you defending yourself or protecting yourself that you couldn't let that person out safely and she didn't want anything to do with him anyway.

HewDewed · 2025-07-23T02:54:58+00:00

A vacation to nowhere is always better than a guilt trip.

Leave it in the rear view mirror. You’re in a good place now, especially with a new relationship and you seem happy.
The only route now is forward.

If you must deal with your ex because of kids, then just focus on the kids and otherwise ‘Gray Rock’ the ex.

lurk1ng · 2025-07-23T02:39:43+00:00

The only guilt I have is the impact on the kids. She left me, but i still have guilt thinking I didn't try hard enough to keep her to keep the family together. We're in the process now and those iPhone photo memories that pop up with what you did last year, show a family that was "happy" and together as a family. But I wouldn't take her back

Dangerous_Item_6879 · 2025-07-23T00:52:08+00:00

This means you are winning. Fuck her.

Repulsive-Dealer7957 · 2025-07-23T00:49:30+00:00

Sounds like a narcissistic comment my ex would make . When in reality she was the shit bag . Idk your situation or how she treated you but why couldn’t you all work it out over time ?

AdmirableAir9871 · 2025-07-22T23:39:22+00:00

Thank you everyone for your comments and support. I never intended to reunite with my ex but felt burdened by the guilt I have in me. It’s great to know that this seems to be a common response for people in my situation. You all have given me great insights into how I’m feeling and how I need to deal moving forward

Common-Aioli-6722 · 2025-07-22T23:07:22+00:00

I acknowledged my wife’s issues with me, vowed to be better and got better. She noticed and thanked me. We still got divorced. Don’t let the guilt inside your new, clean house. Never apologize for getting better. People say sometimes “it’s too late” to get better for a marriage but it’s never too late to get better for yourself.

OogyBoogy_I_am · 2025-07-22T22:50:07+00:00

You can miss what you had knowing that you will never have it again.

It's like visiting somewhere and because the stars aligned, the weather was perfect and the accomodation was fantastic, you had the best holiday ever. But in the intervening years the hotel you stayed at got pulled down, the weather will never be as nice and that even if you tried your hardest, any future holidays there would always be missing something. That is the analogy of your now long gone marriage.

We are entitled to miss the things we miss, whilst acknowledging that we can also never go back there. Smile at the memory, and look forward to creating new ones with your new person.

Wade-Wilson-Lucky13 · 2025-07-22T19:48:45+00:00

I have the opposite. My ex is now doing all the things I wanted her to do when we were together. I left her because she wasn't who I wanted her to be, now someone else will get to have her how I wanted her to be in the first place. Crazy to think about, but I'll be better off and hopefully happier when I find someone that is already how I want my other half to be.

dukeofthefoothills1 · 2025-07-22T19:37:08+00:00

You’ve left the circus. Now go find your own rodeo. OP rides off into the sunset…

Brave_Quantity_5261 · 2025-07-22T18:50:57+00:00

I think of it as almost like a new car. Your old car you took care of it at first, then got a little lax. Started getting dirtier, maybe stretching out on the oil changes. Dings and dents here and there. Weren’t as excited about it as time went on, just an old beat up car but it works and it’s pretty nice to not have a payment. You gets you where you need to go so you keep it for now.

Well then the lack of attention and care catches up and it blows the motor, leaving you stranded at the lowest point of your life. You’re not sure if you should get another car or just use uber when you have the need. But you decide you want a little more consistency in your transportation needs. So you go and get a new car. Proud of the new car, it’s got that new car smell, you think about how you’re not going to treat it like the old car cause it’s like a fresh start. Keep it clean, think about how you’re not going to eat in this car or spill anything. You’re going to take care of this one, any little noise it makes you’re going to take care of it right away so it doesn’t become a bigger problem. You got a lot of respect for the new car. Pretty soon it’s almost paid off and you’re happy.

Would you ever think about getting rid of that new car and fixing up your old car so you can drive it again? Would you feel guilty about the way you treated it then and now you want to show that car you were wrong and now you can handle it better and keep it clean and maintained? I know I wouldn’t. I put a lot of time and effort into getting the new one and it’s almost a reflection of the time and effort I put into myself. I have become a better car owner and I just don’t feel my old beater car shows that.

It’s up to you now to honor that journey of personal growth by consistently making the effort to take better care of the new car better.

That1TimeN99 · 2025-07-22T18:47:11+00:00

Oh boy. Run u/AdmirableAir9871!! Run!! Of all people, your ex of course will want something she does not have. She should stayed with you through thick and thin so she could have the “improved” you. Exes are exes for a reason. Once she has you again. Is hell all over.

ballzdeepinbacon · 2025-07-22T18:22:54+00:00

So while you've worked on yourself, you're also missing an ingredient in what was your marriage - her. Absolutely if I was everything my wife wanted, we'd still be together - well, maybe because she wasn't everything I wanted - but I wasn't willing to roll over and let her do what she wanted without being an actual partner - so I called her on her stuff, my mental health suffered through the fights, etc - and it reduced me to a shadow of myself - now she's gone and I can be a much better person - but I tell you, I revert back in some ways when someone acts like she did.

Boglehead101 · 2025-07-22T18:11:18+00:00

Nonsense from the ex. Jeez, they think of every angle.

ColdEstablishment172 · 2025-07-22T17:01:32+00:00

[ Removed by Reddit ]

link1025 · 2025-07-22T16:57:21+00:00

You should never feel guilty for improving yourself. I am currently separated and it will most likely end with divorce. Since our separation I have taken to time to focus on myself and in just a few months I can already tell a huge difference in myself. I just try to look at it as if it weren’t for where I am in the separation I would have never made these changes because I did have a similar guilt in the beginning as well.

Paddle_Pedal_Puddle · 2025-07-22T16:47:05+00:00

Your ex wouldn’t even be coming back to you if she had experienced greener grass elsewhere, which tells me you weren’t a bad husband and shouldn’t beat yourself up too much.

It is very hard to change for the better as a human, and that is especially true in an existing relationship because certain patterns have already been established and ingrained. And even if you are successful in improving yourself, the relationship only improves if your partner accepts those changes and does their own work.

Im not saying your ex doesn’t have a point. Im saying it’s a little more complex than she’s making it out to be, and she’s ignoring her role in it. If she wouldn’t/won’t take accountability for her side, there’s no way things would have been good regardless of what you did.

Lastly, I don’t think it’s healthy to ruminate on the past and what ifs too much. You already understand that you needed to work on some things and you’re taking action. Just keep focusing on those steps forward.

Dizi357 · 2025-07-22T16:31:44+00:00

That guilt feeling is normal for many. I facilitate a divorce recovery group and we hear that often, and it’s usually triggered by seeing the ex-partner struggling when the other is thriving. But you have to bear in mind that you were likely both at fault in the relationship. Keeping the entire picture in check is important too - my guess is when you said “I do”, you meant it for the long haul, good times or bad. Your ex-wife, on the other hand, may not have (I say “may” because I don’t know who in your story initiated the divorce convo/process).

But regardless of if you/her/both meant “I do” forever or not, YOU did a glow up, improved yourself, and have a better life. (Sounds like) she thought the solution was the next person instead of self-improvement, and she’s learning now that it wasn’t. What truly matters NOW is that it didn’t get fixed when you were together, and so you both need to move forward on your new separate paths.

Take all of what you’re feeling and seeing, and remember these lessons as fuel for future relationships - if you get complacent, change it and be better. If you’re both struggling to communicate, or you’re unhappy, or you sense your next partner is unhappy, go to couple’s therapy EARLY, before resentment has a chance to take hold. Have those open and honest lines of communication moving forward, and your future relationships will be that much better for it.

Standard-Bottle7820 · 2025-07-22T16:08:57+00:00

Dude you improved, awesome. She hasn't changed, her comment is still putting ALL the blame on you and she knows you'll take that and feel guilty.

Don't let her take your peace you found.

No_Pace2396 · 2025-07-22T16:01:37+00:00

I expressed love in a way that she didn’t understand and same with her.

Putting aside anything that she might have done to move toward divorce, you didn’t give her what she needed and vice versa. I tried with my ex, to show her when I was expressing love when she maybe didn’t see it. She refused to participate.

I loved my last partner intensely but struggled knowing that for her to be happy she needed something I couldn’t give her. I wanted her to be the best version of herself and wasn’t sure she could with me, but I think she wanted me more than being her best self.

That’s the way it goes. Being mature is recognizing it. She had a chance to bring out what was always in you and she didn’t. Stubbornly or because she didn’t have it in her.

I read some drivel on Facebook about how your love should light the fire inside of you. Synergy, the parts together are greater than their sum. There’s also some interesting Buddhist writing about impermanence and falling in love with clouds. The point being we change. We change together or our current manifestations come together for a little while then go their separate ways to manifest in some other form. Er, using that language in a way that may be relevant, I can swim in the river and love the water, but that water becomes a cloud that I can also love but don’t get to swim in anymore.

Anyway, protect yourself. She’s looking at you happier and things maybe not working out how she expected. She may be thinking something is better than nothing (and she made it thru leaving once so it won’t be so hard next time when she sees the chance to level up). Or she might just need a little boost knowing she’s still got her claws in your heart. Instead, you are the improved you. Take the win. Carry on.

Funny_Object_5538 · 2025-07-22T15:52:56+00:00

I haven’t gotten these sentiments from my soon to be ex yet. BUT, my older daughters have said as much. Now that they see me healing and improving and making this a way of life, they are frustrated. “Why couldn’t you have just fixed this earlier?” And that makes me feel incredibly sad. Because they want both parents together, and they deserved that.

ThrowForChristSakes · 2025-07-22T15:46:22+00:00

Don’t look at parts of the picture that was your marriage and think she is right. Step back take it all in, and you’ll remember the full picture.

There’s two people in every relationship, and despite what one of them thinks/says, there is usually plenty of blame to go around.

Tasty_Dinner6530 · 2025-07-22T15:39:29+00:00

Guilt can creep up and I think it’s good you identified it. It’s very normal you feel this way but it takes two to tango.

Now I don’t know how much you and your ex wife made efforts to improve the relationship but let me tell you this - you cannot improve things alone. If you are a better person now - you are because of the effort you are making and the new environment you have (the new gf). Environment helps in determining how you respond and learn and adapt.

Bro - I know you feel concerned about your ex wife but as my therapist told me - people have to accept the consequences of their choices. She gave upon you too early my man! And going back won’t help.

jabbo142 · 2025-07-22T15:34:54+00:00

Our situations are close. Well, minus the guilt. The ex has said a few things, but it fell on deaf ears. I have absolutely zero guilt. When married, she was sharp and mostly angry. The reason I was the way I was is from continuously being belittled and beat down by her. All of the work I put has been successful because she wasn't there to actively destroy it. Enjoy your new life guiltfree, my man. You deserve it!

Title	Post Divorce Guilt
Author	AdmirableAir9871
Upvotes	71
Comments	50
Date	July 22, 2025 3:25 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1m6h2o9/post_divorce_guilt/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/post-divorce-guilt.1557799 https://theredarchive.com/post/1557799

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