Divorcing after 23 yrs of marriage and I'm heartbroken

db1342 · 2025-08-18T23:26:04+00:00

The few months after a really long marriage collapses can be very dangerous for men.

* Don't die of despair

* Don't get addicted to anything

* Don't get angry and lose control

* Don't lose your job

"I'd never do any of those things"... old you wouldn't. You don't know this new guy yet. Be careful while you figure him out.

marriagerestoration · 2025-08-17T03:48:59+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's very hard when one person has checked out.

Sometimes I have a spouse use either of these "scripts" to help bring up the idea of going to a last ditch marriage intensive. Intensives are often more impactful in these types of situations where you don't have time to wait though of course it's never a guarantee.

Script 1: “Honey, I realize that I haven’t been the greatest spouse to you—I know I’m not the best x, y, z (listener, reliable, etc.). I know I’m difficult to live with. I’d like to be a better spouse and I need your help so I can meet your needs better. I found a program that I think could be helpful so that I can learn the skills I need to understand you better, work on my reactivity, and help meet your needs. Would you be open to hearing more about it?”

Script 2: "I understand that you’re not interested in getting help on our relationship, or you’re just done (tailor this to your particular situation). I still feel it would be helpful for us to get clarity moving forward so that we can make a conscious choice instead of just leaving because it’s too hurtful.

It doesn’t mean we have to stay together-we can walk away without bitterness or anger, and with clarity about what went wrong and the role we both played, so we don’t repeat it in the future.

(If you have children) Even if we end our marriage, we will always be in relationship because of the kids, and for their sake, it’s important that we learn to work together without resentment.

I think this program will teach us skills to get beyond some of our differences and work better together, as well as learn to communicate without hurting each other.”

Substantial-Run3367 · 2025-08-14T21:56:03+00:00

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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

MonarchistExtreme · 2025-08-14T18:29:15+00:00

Bro, it's over. If you want her back, which you really shouldn't, STOP TRYING!!! Be short, don't engage, live your best life. It's a crappy game to have to play but one that women sometimes respond to. However, if it works for you, you will know that you will have to play games to keep her.

Also, I won't sugarcoat it...being divorced at these ages ain't as simple as being divorced in your 30s. I've been alone for over 5 years now but...but....you will learn to value you peace more than the trouble women bring in time.

ng_rddt · 2025-08-14T14:09:50+00:00

You should stop blaming yourself. What you did was acceptable for 23 years. Now that she is in menopause and her estrogen has dropped, she has lost empathy and patience and is no longer the same person. Now what was annoying but okay in the past is suddenly unacceptable. That’s on her, not you. She had a responsibility to bring up her concerns and work with you to resolve them, but she didn’t because it wasn’t a big enough issue—like I said, she tolerated it for 23 yrs. Menopause has changed her.

Ok-Guidance6491 · 2025-08-14T05:09:38+00:00

25-27 years is a VERY common story. Same for me. It helped me to read up on perimenopause and midlife crisis. Beware of all the feminists out there that will tell you how it is all your fault (sometimes very subtly). The truth is more that she heard bad advice and had emotional turmoil due to hormonal changes. Don’t blame yourself. I’m sure you weren’t perfect but you sound like most guys who believed sacrificing yourself for your family was the noble thing to do. It’s how we were all raised but society is going haywire with all of the changes in economy and culture. A lot of it is the rise of women in society. Not a bad thing but our biology hasn’t caught up with our culture. Best advice is to detach and try to rebuild yourself. Spend time with men. You’re not crazy. And you’re not alone. If it is MLC, don’t expect to see the girl you used to know for about 3-7 years. In the meantime, get yourself back. Takes about 1-2 years to feel normal again.

6StringFiend · 2025-08-13T20:52:36+00:00

Same after 25 years. Ive tried therapy and she didn’t want to go. She said she wanted to remain friends but that had changed once I found she was doing some shady things. She’s done and she’s moved on. It’s only been 4 months now. It’s been tough. I just try to get through day by day and it’s sucks. Haven’t done a lot and hope to get out and go camping this weekend. First time without her.

Necessary_Health_326 · 2025-08-13T20:03:56+00:00

Any advice on how to beg and plead to get her to stick around? Nah dude, this sub isnt for that. If she wants to divorce, oblige her. Shes bored and/or has somebody else lined up. Trust us on that one.

23 year marriage...best case scenario shes know for 4 or so years she was going to divorce you. Worst case... a lot longer than that. Women play the long game, and they play it well. Youll realize this pretty shortly once money is on the table in the divorce proceedings.

boon0053 · 2025-08-13T17:46:00+00:00

Fuck putting other stuff infront. I put my ex in front of kids and work, same shit. You first, the rest follows. 5 years after, I’m better then ever, sober even

Impossible_Tour411 · 2025-08-13T16:34:45+00:00

Same here, wife walked after 27 years. Best thing to do, as hard as it sounds, is to let her walk. Don’t beg, chase, or plead. All it will do is push her away more and cause you to lose your dignity. Let her walk and get ready for the divorce. That means you need to protect yourself and your kids. Get a lawyer and get ready for the worst. These things can turn nasty very quickly. I would go grey rock with her and only discuss business type things with her. You may even consider recording all conversations. This will be hard and difficult, but you are in a war now. You can grieve and feel the pain, just don’t do it in front of her or the kids.

davidsdilema · 2025-08-13T15:19:12+00:00

Same thing happened to me. 23 years too. When my son turned 18 she fell in love with her high school crush through facebook. She forgot to send me the memo regarding her feelings prior to the affair. In 8 weeks her affair ended and so did our marriage. Something happens to women late in marriage. You can try to find answers but it could drive you mad. My best advice is to find happiness by being by yourself and working on yourself. Once you do that, good things will come your way. I wish you the best. Divorce sucks but you will get through this I promise.

Magma86 · 2025-08-13T13:03:29+00:00

Google “Walk away wife”. There’s some excellent material out there.

Any-Dare-7261 · 2025-08-13T09:24:27+00:00

Im convinced that women are self preservational timid scared little reptiles. They slither off instead of run with a pack. Loyalty is relative, empathy is a switch in a panel, and accountability/honesty is based on feelings not reality. Its just who they are. I cant get mad at it, its primal. Dogs bark, and piss on things and shit in the woods and we dont get mad at them. Its heart breaking but I think marriage is a broken institution in general. Just date for a few years, then when it wears out get another one. I hate it for you, I believed in “love” a long time ago too. It hurts but if she doesnt want to work on it or stick it out shes done, and I mean done. Get a PI and see if shes in love with someone else so you dont have to pay alimony.

euphramjsimpson · 2025-08-13T04:24:26+00:00

My ex and I decided that I’d go back to school and into a time-intensive professional job. I did that and it was very hard and while I was doing that she went on a fitness journey with a mean, loser stay-at-home dad up the street and they both decided their marriages were shams and they broke up two families.

She never told me she was unhappy or that she needed something she wasn’t getting. My marriage was over before I knew it was in trouble. It was the most important thing in my life.

That is different but it boils down to the same.

There are faithless and amoral people who don’t give a damn about anything but themselves. They can convince themselves that undermining their own children’s emotional and psychological well-being is in the interest of those children.

It’s sick and wrong and they are not good people and not good parents. They should be shamed but they somehow get lauded.

I was raised in a way that I didn’t know those kind of people existed. I was so naive. My most fervent hope is that my sons will be able to see beyond the shiny ruse and into what people really are. It’s the only thing I have left.

Connect_Potential_58 · 2025-08-13T03:54:31+00:00

My ex-wife and I tried couple’s counseling prior to divorce, and it didn’t do anything to save our marriage. She’d already divorced me in her mind. I was sitting in my car in 100°+ weather and soaked in sweat over my lunch break while she was at home and comfortable, and rather than treat counseling like an opportunity to save the marriage, she turned it into ultimatums about anything she didn’t like about me. It was all about control and getting me to change anything she didn’t like while saying that I should address any dealbreakers too, but the reality was that I’d have never done that because I didn’t believe in dealbreakers if marriage is for life. If your wife believes in marriage as “‘til death do us part,” you stand a shred of a chance. If she doesn’t, counseling is worth trying in order to have closure that you tried to avoid divorce, but it will ultimately be a waste because the other half of the equation doesn’t appreciate that you’ve done everything you possibly can to provide for her and your kids. If she was down-to-earth, she’d be grateful for all you’ve done for your kids. If she’s really that resentful that you prioritized food on the table and kids above her, without knowing more, I’m struggling to see how much can change for the better here.

If divorce does happen, I’m sorry. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, and it took me a long time to feel better, but I genuinely believe it’s sometimes the best outcome, even if it doesn’t seem like it in the moment. Chin-up and hug your kids extra-tight. The days ahead will be rough, but you’ll be happier on the other side once you’re free of someone (again, if divorce is nonnegotiable) who’d have never shown you love or appreciation again.

Then-Stage · 2025-08-13T03:22:35+00:00

This is a divorced men forum so it's self selecting for those who couldn't save the marriage.

We attended couples therapy & repaired our marriage decades ago. The key is for both people to be willing to improve & change for the good of the relationship. Good luck.

ch_lingo · 2025-08-13T02:15:51+00:00

I’ve been told women make the decision to end the relationship long before they actually end it. I only suggest you going to therapy alone. She doesn’t feel like she needs it. You can show her you’re trying…and hope.

BananaHandle · 2025-08-13T01:19:38+00:00

It takes two people to save a marriage, and they both have to be completely invested in it.

Also, if a woman asked for a divorce, generally, she’s thought about it for a while and has made up her mind. Not saying it’s not possible to save, but both people have to be fully committed to couples counseling, and only one of them tries, it simply won’t work.

Heavy-Interaction-47 · 2025-08-13T00:52:15+00:00

All these years she didn’t say a thing? Who’s to blame? If it’s love then why won’t she be glad you do love her etc? Ya, she got another man. It’s the same as man having another woman.

SteveSan82 · 2025-08-13T00:04:26+00:00

That's not why. She found someone else. Women rarely breakup or ask for a divorce unless she found another guy first or was hooking up with enough men that her ego got high enough that she thinks she can do better.

OogyBoogy_I_am · 2025-08-12T23:49:27+00:00

So, as a SAHM how does she think she is going to fund this new life of hers? My guess is that she is just thinking that "oh, OP will just keep funding everything from the magic bucket of money and he owes me anyway!"

It may be in your best interests to take the offence on this and give her a taste of what the reality of her life will be once a divorce happens.

So if you want to start the process of changing her mind, start adding a huge dose of reality to her decision and begin talking about finances moving forward.

Nothing sets the cat amongst the pigeons like saying "ok, you want a divorce so how are we going to fund this? Well we'll have to sell the house as neither one can buy the other out. I'll need to move into a smaller place so won't be able to have the kids that often as I won't be able to afford the space. You'll have to go back to work yourself as whatever I pay you for support will not be enough for you to live on and I won't be able to help as I have to live and eat as well. So let's talk finances..."

What this is introducing to her mindset is the financial reality of her decision. At the moment she is just working on her feelings and has made this decision purely based on that. It's the old "I'm not happy, and to be happy I need this." without actually thinking through the ramifications of what "this" is.

Far to often we see people - especially women - think that just getting rid of the thing that they think is causing them to be unhappy, in this case - You - just magically makes everything all right in their world and that things just roll on as normal. The reality though is far from that but they are largely unaware, or often have been shielded, from the harsh reality of what Divorce actually means.

For many SAH parents, it quite literally means financial purgatory for both themselves and their ex. No one will be happy, everyone will be broke and the world keeps rolling along.

Time for you to introduce some reality to her dream OP.

Suspicious_Ad_6271 · 2025-08-12T22:39:36+00:00

I hate to say it but once it’s this far gone, there’s very little chance of clawing anything back. What I CAN say is that it gets better. I absolutely promise. About 18 months ago I was in a very similar situation. We were married for 20-years and had five kids. Something flipped in her and she wanted a divorce. I’d break down at work, I couldn’t eat, I was just a wreck. It’s so hard at first. But follow the advice that you’re getting here. It works. Don’t dismiss the negatives out of hand either. My ex was a SAHM and I thought she would NEVER cheat but…that just wasn’t the case and I found proof everywhere. Protect yourself, protect your relationship with your kids, and work on getting past this. We are all rooting for you.

Enigma_Colchonero · 2025-08-12T22:39:13+00:00

She's leaving you because there's another man in the mix.

She may have already cheated.

Upstairs-Pizza-1843 · 2025-08-12T22:21:18+00:00

Amazing how a woman can psychologically terrorize her husband into believing the divorce is all his fault because he didn't perform the circus tricks on demand whenever she wanted. Even worse is when the man believes her. Yes, she was the perfect wife, and the husband is all to blame. Just stop with that crap. It isn't true.

Brother, it takes TWO for a marriage to work. It sounds like you sacrificed your happiness by working yourself to the bone in order to support your wife and three children. Why isn't that honored? Why haven't you got a single "attaboy" for your efforts that resulted in the comfy lifestyle your family enjoyed?

Meanwhile, your wife is about to sacrifice her family for her "happiness," which is a rather frequent thing women do, especially when they've got a man on the side. When a woman asks for a divorce, she's thought about it for a while, sometimes years. They are very methodical in planning the destruction of the family, whereas when you first hear about a divorce it shocks you. She is way ahead in the game, and already grieved the loss of the marriage.

You can't control her, and attempting to do so will make her angry and the divorce miserable. She wants out? Bye! Focus on yourself and your kids. Do NOT beg her to stay! That always backfires and gives her more power. Do not do it. She will use your vulnerable state against you.

Go talk to a lawyer asap. Get your finances in order. Listen to John Griffin Life 2.0 on youtube. Read "The Manipulated Man."

Life is so much more enjoyable without the emotional instability of a selfish wife.

Vahlir · 2025-08-12T21:41:43+00:00

47 here (46 STBXW) married 10 years, been together for 26, have 3 kids

blindsided me last month with "I'm no longer in love with you"

Mine's been having an emotional affair for months, maybe the last year and finally acted on it physically.

To ease her guilt she told me she no longer loved me and gave me a list of "logical" reasons we shouldn't be together.

She wants to chase a new life, going out and doing what she wants with her "freedom"

She has mentally re-written our history ot make it nothing but negative. "doomed from the start" - "we were never compatible" - "you deserve someone who fits you better" - "we have nothing in common" - the usual things you'll see repeated

yeah lots of claims that I didn't show her I loved her in there too.

nothing mattered that I offered. Before she had told me she had spent months building up a case(or any evidence she needed to support why we shouldn't be married) and then just threw it all at me

Never told me once what she was bothered by or anything. Kept it all hidden and saved it up for when she had enough.

Again, refused therapy or any idea of working on it or fixing things. because in her mind there was no point.

She just wanted out.

I don't know your story but it's something I've read a hundred times since it happened to me a month ago.

I can only say that you're not alone at all in this and suggest you seek therapy and create an A-team of friends or family and let them know what's going on and ask them to be available if you need them.

You can't control her thoughts, her decisions or talk her out of this IMO.

The only thing you can focus on is you.

And yeah I got the "if you really wanted to change you would have done it years ago" line as well. It's very popular with women doing this.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I suggest looking up Rachel Sloan on Youtube she has some great vidoes about what we're going through (and you don't need to use her website)

and Goodguys to great men on youtube is pretty good as well.

Good luck brother, reach out to people, work on yourself. You deserve better and it's out there as much as that might seem impossible to hear (i'm constantly trying to talk myself into recognizing)

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2025-08-12T21:24:02+00:00

If she's never brought up divorce or marriage counseling, there's another man in the picture. Whether it's a co-worker or someone close to her. Trust your gut.

Boglehead101 · 2025-08-12T21:19:29+00:00

I’m in a similar boat, and I’ll be straight with you, if she’s already decided it’s over and is refusing therapy, that’s usually a sign her mind is firmly made up. Don’t lose your dignity begging for a reconciliation.

Are you really guilty of not showing love and affection, I wasn’t. My wife was a cold fish, struggled with intimacy. I told her daily she was beautiful, I told her weekly I loved her, to her I devalued her.

In my case, I offered counselling multiple times, even after 20+ years together and three kids, but my wife refused outright. What I’ve learned is that therapy only works if both people want to save the marriage. If one person is already mentally “out,” it becomes an exercise in appearances rather than repair.

Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do, for yourself and the kids, is to focus on your own healing, be the best father you can, and keep your dignity through the process. It’s brutal, but you’ll survive it.

Accomplished-Bet-883 · 2025-08-12T21:13:45+00:00

You don't know what you got 'till it's gone.

Tell her you realize the stakes and now that you're consciously aware, that behavior cannot repeat.

AcademicAd8812 · 2025-08-12T21:10:42+00:00

Keep persevering and communicate how much you want her back. Don’t give up and I believe her heart could soften over time. She could be speaking out of deep hurt and resentment but there is a lot of history and if you keep at it she could start melting. She’s worth the fight.

Commercial_Music_931 · 2025-08-12T21:09:37+00:00

Probably sleeping with another man and has prepared for this for a hot minute now dude.

Don't let her put all the blame of this marriage failing squarely on your shoulders. It isnt just your fault and maybe not even mostly your fault. Theyre real good at manipulating the situation and making even you believe that they are the victim.

Dont hang on. Understand that she isnt your ally anymore and will stab you in the back with a smile on her face and laugh with her friends about how you kept trying to fix things after she filed.

Im sorry for you man. Cant imagine 23yrs with someone suddenly coming to an abrupt brutal end. Please stay sober and find something to keep your mind busy.

Technical-Mammoth592 · 2025-08-12T21:01:46+00:00

I think you lost your love for her years ago. Now it's comfort, a roommate, a best friend. It's hard to walk away from that even though the intimacy is gone. I've been there, recently. I have a new woman in my life and for the first time in 25 years I can actually be myself with her and the feelings I have for her are unlike anything I had for my Ex. I loved my ex, but I married the wrong woman then just got comfortable being there, being with the kids, living day by day. Now my whole world has changed and it's awesome!! so much better! so trust me, you would have tried years ago if it mattered, so move on, find a person in your life you are willing to do anything for. You'll be so much happier I promise you.

ColdEstablishment172 · 2025-08-12T20:59:18+00:00

She might be having an affair. I'm not in favor of snooping but her response is all too common and typical of a woman who has checked out and is getting her attention somewhere else.

Heavy-Interaction-47 · 2025-08-12T20:58:04+00:00

She’s already decided mate. Best course of action, even if you want her to change her mind, is to file for divorce and remove the emotional exchanges with her. Work on yourself, And building the new you. Work out, find a new hobby, go live life again. No begging, no conversations, no anything with her. Move on with all your might.

Not only is that the way to become whole again if she leaves you permanently, but it’s also the best bet to get her to change course

God bless, man

Heavy-Interaction-47 · 2025-08-12T20:55:43+00:00

Do you feel like you didn’t show her enough love or is that something she said? I find so many of these posts, and my own experience, eerily similar. As men we are forced to choose, which ball do we let drop the career and bringing in money? Time with the kids? Date nights with the wife? We are always to blame when we can’t give all of them 100%

Title	Divorcing after 23 yrs of marriage and I'm heartbroken
Author	Heavy-Interaction-47
Upvotes	43
Comments	119
Date	August 12, 2025 8:50 PM UTC (11 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1moklmo/divorcing_after_23_yrs_of_marriage_and_im/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/divorcing-after-23-yrs-of-marriage-and-im.1559425 https://theredarchive.com/post/1559425

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