CMV: Men aren’t “afraid of commitment” anymore, we’re just more selective than previous generations

Feeling_Ad_1034 · 2026-04-22T03:22:34+00:00

When you have more options and more awareness of potential downsides, you’re naturally going to be more selective about who you commit to.

This is only true for a small percentage of men, and these men aren't "afraid" of commitment, it's just no longer necessary for them to get what they want, so they don't have to commit.

The majority of men aren't afraid of commitment at all, and even if they are, they'd gladly commit to a woman they deemed suitable.

BobtheArcher2018 · 2026-04-22T03:11:38+00:00

I don't discount these as factors. But I look at the bigger picture as well. For all of human history, despite there being more obvious need to pair and have a family, and despite a lack of birth control, all societies worked very hard to enforce widespread monogamous pairings and having children within such pairings. Society also worked hard to keep the pairings together.

Why would they have done all this work if this all just came naturally to humans? And thus, all online dating and technology factors aside, what should we expect to happen when societies stop pressuring individuals the way they did?

intothewild72 · 2026-04-22T06:14:34+00:00

You forget about societal and family pressure. I think people my age are giving current youth much more lenience with relationships. I'm over 50 and when I was young there was relentless pressure to settle down and have family and kids. Especially because I had very good job since young age, but it was same for everyone in my age group. This pressure was created mostly by women, constant gas-lighting and lies how it would improve my life.

I have 3 kids and I refuse to put them through this pressure. I always instead tell them to choose well and think it through.

TermAggravating8043 · 2026-04-22T03:50:54+00:00

The only time I hear about commit issues, is for already established long term couples that have kids, a mortgage and a dog together, but the ring is apparently too far for some guys

blebbyroo · 2026-04-22T03:13:34+00:00

This is true for both men and women and it’s not a bad thing.

ladybird_00 · 2026-04-22T03:50:05+00:00

Highly selective doesn’t equate to elimination of fear. If anyone bases their own choices based on other people’s horror stories, there’s an element of fear involved in your selectively.

gtbreddit1 · 2026-04-22T03:17:41+00:00

Accusing men of being "afraid of commitment" is just a lie women tell themselves so they don't have to acknowledge the fact that they're not good enough for the guy they want commitment from.

A more accurate statement would be "men are afraid of committing to the wrong woman", but women conveniently leave the latter part out of the narrative they tell themselves.

razloz166 · 2026-04-22T03:25:11+00:00

This is true for both men and women and while I would say it isnt a bad thing, most men arent not commiting by choice. They couldnt get a relationship to commit to if they tried.

So yeah it is a bad thing, for them.

"When you combine the two, you get a subset of men with abundant options and a much higher awareness of the risks of poor decision-making."

Maybe if these men lie to themselves hard enough, yeah maybe one day those imaginary abundant options will seem true.

Fragrant-Half-7854 · 2026-04-22T04:07:38+00:00

The points you make are valid to an extent. But I don’t think the way the generations after GenX have been raised can be excluded as a part of the equation. Fear, anxiety, depression, extended dependency on parental support, less experience making decisions and dealing with the consequences, increasing numbers of kids from divorced homes, younger/much more exposure to the internet and social media. All of this affects who they are and how they interact in dating situations.

It also depends on the type of man you’re after. Personally, I like a man who knows what he wants for his future, is goal oriented and decisive, trusts his gut and isn’t afraid to make it happen. Definitely not a man who lets social media dictate his choices or even spends much time on it to begin with.

_MarianaTrench · 2026-04-22T04:26:36+00:00

i think that’s true for both genders nowadays

procrast1natrix · 2026-04-22T03:54:06+00:00

I'm not seriously interested in changing your view. So for the debate of the thread I think I'm kind of in agreement, except that I'm not certain your in as much good faith as I am.

I am the mother of a young man and a young women. Since I'm a ridiculously earnest person, I'm taking your comment in very good faith, and I would want every young man to adapt to the modern situation by being more selective, as you state on face. Young people now have a wider geographic selection, and most people are selecting people who are also expected to work, so it's very different than the time of my parents and my grandparents.

My grands did ok, but were clearly making the best of "we have no economic opportunity and no access to contraception and we aren't socially allowed to have sex unless we are married". And they were good, they weren't drunk or very abusive as much as many in that time, but it was still clearly finding silver lining and I found more for myself and want more for my son and my daughter.

Modern guys: wanting what you want isn't awful. All young people, men and women, are waiting. The average age of sexual onset is older for both men and women, the average age of marriage is older. This is all fine and good. It sounds as though more people are taking time to fall in love with themselves first, establish themselves before latching on.

My only quibble with OP is that he thinks this is a guy thing. It's not. Yes, guys are choosing to delay sexual onset and having less sex than ever before, but it's fairly equal to gals. And gals who choose to be single in the very long run tend to report stronger social connection and feeling happier than any other demographic ....

ReasonConfident4541 · 2026-04-22T03:32:05+00:00

Men are afraid of commitment to the wrong women imo.

If a man isn't committing to a women it means he I'd afraid because something she is doing isn't aligning to his long term values

The reason why this is more common these days is many women have traits that don't make then good-long term partners I.e high body count, social media attention etc

Asleep_Cheesecake_72 · 2026-04-22T04:18:04+00:00

I think of the dating meta like this

Noob level - guy just blindly trusting that he can love and treat a woman well, and be loved and treated well in return. Ie, little to no selectivity. This is a pre-RP guy who is in for a very rough time unless he gets super lucky in dating.

Veteran level - guy understands that bad women exist in depressing numbers. He will almost never want to commit, relationship/commitment selectivity is high (but he will still take sex if it's on the table). The redpill archetype. Can veer into blackpill if he thinks even sex isn't worth the tradeoff of dealing with women.

Pro level - guy understands that a truly good relationship with a woman is worth some degree of risk, and emphasizing judgment/vetting rather than adopting a one-size-fits-all strategy. I think people with really good parents/self-esteem quickly end up here because they don't get overly bitter after a few relationship failures.

To relate it to poker - naive people want to play every single hand, people who have played a lot of poker only want to play really good hands, but the best players focus on reading other people and playing risky/aggressive when they think they have a good read

Outside_Memory5703 · 2026-04-22T04:01:06+00:00

It’s not fear. You just don’t wanna, since you can have not-commitment

I’m gonna bet that baby trapping by women used to be a lot more common

fiftypoundpuppy · 2026-04-22T03:14:34+00:00

Yes, as this sub shows, it's definitely only the "top guys with options" who make post after post talking about how useless women are and how men shouldn't take women seriously, a lá "the juice isn't worth the squeeze"

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Lift_and_Lurk · 2026-04-22T13:40:34+00:00

Bruh, they have been making “good guy but afraid of commitment” romcoms since forever

Sabrina (1954) Features a playboy (William Holden) who loves the thrill of the chase but avoids serious emotional attachment, while his serious brother (Humphrey Bogart) is emotionally closed off.

Acting like this shit is new when it’s been around since forever.

Throw_r_a_2021 · 2026-04-22T14:52:24+00:00

Men are more selective about committing to women today because commitment in the 21st century doesn’t provide remotely the same benefits and upsides to men as it has historically, but still carries many of the historic risks and drawbacks. Committing to a woman in the 21st century as a man requires him to sacrifice his power and autonomy in a way that was never required before and in my mind is one reason why proportionally fewer men are getting married than at basically any other time before.

matthedev · 2026-04-22T15:51:40+00:00

This is highly dependent on where you live. I currently live in a mid-sized Midwestern city, and people tend to rapidly pair off between 25 and 30, so the 30+ dating pool is more picked over.

Women approach me offline, but I hardly ever get matches through the apps, so I surmise women who would approach me offline are filtering me out based on age, and again, the 30+ dating pool around here is limited. Again, this is the U.S. Midwest; it's more family oriented; so even offline, there just isn't that critical mass of singles to meet on a day-to-day or week-to-week basis here.

So on your first point—a wealth of options—I disagree, or at least it's location dependent. I do agree that a picked-over local dating pool doesn't mean someone should get into a relationship with whoever just happens to be around, regardless of compatibility and attraction; people should still have standards; sometimes that means the solution is looking elsewhere rather than trying to find a needle in a haystack.

Tylikcat · 2026-04-23T01:40:28+00:00

I think many of you might overestimate how eager men in the past were to commit - especially in times that didn't allow divorce.

Sefalitis · 2026-04-23T02:49:28+00:00

A lot of women aren't worth committing to nowadays anyway, but don't you dare tell them that!

New-Western-4819 · 2026-04-23T17:16:32+00:00

i don't really have this problem because i date people in the real world and not in online dating, and most of the guys i've gone on dates with also don't really use the apps that much.

Axis_Control · 2026-04-22T06:51:27+00:00

Sorry but men that are wanting loads of hookups are not more "selective" 😂🤦‍♀️

Altruistic_Love_5525 · 2026-04-22T09:49:25+00:00

You mentioned having more options, but each of those "options" is a woman who first had to allow you into her orbit. Even a high-value man is essentially a "premium applicant." You might have a more impressive resume, but you are still submitting it to the HR Department (women) for review.

Altruistic_Love_5525 · 2026-04-22T11:37:57+00:00

I find power in the fact that women are the ultimate choosers. We are the gatekeepers of access, and it’s vital for every woman to own that influence and feel truly empowered by it.

Miss_Worldly · 2026-04-23T11:10:08+00:00

It must be so nice that men's worst fear is financial ruin.

Title	CMV: Men aren’t “afraid of commitment” anymore, we’re just more selective than previous generations
Author	Iron-Wild-41
Upvotes	58
Comments	226
Date	April 22, 2026 3:06 AM UTC (3 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1ss9ej4/cmv_men_arent_afraid_of_commitment_anymore_were/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/cmv-men-arent-afraid-of-commitment-anymore-were.1578559 https://theredarchive.com/post/1578559

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