Q4women: What is some common dating advice for women that’s actually bad?

flamingoinghome · 2020-02-05T17:31:20+00:00

Honestly, the advice for how to get a guy to buy you a drink/ask you on a date/ whatever is generally pretty solid. But when you're trying to get/keep an actual relationship, the trouble is so much of it treats men as fungible. You see it everywhere: men are "simple creatures." Simple, my ass.

When I think of what's made something "stick" for me, it's never been a question of "Do more X' or "Wear Y", it's been....personal. There's an element of physical attraction, but, like, a lot of it's been shared interests and similar senses of humor and compatible outlooks on life and the like.

The sex market may be a market, but the relationship market is closer to a very complicated matching problem. Treating it as a match game, not as fishing, changes your outlook radically.

YveisGrey · 2020-02-05T19:50:15+00:00

One advice is that weight and looks don't really matter. Women are especially touchy about weight but it makes a significant difference in dating.

Another one is that you shouldn't say what you want. Trying to trick men into a serious relationship by pretending to be super casual in the beginning is a terrible idea. But so common. Women are afraid of "scaring" men off by telling the truth but honesty is the best policy and is more likely to help you find someone you are actually compatible with.

_nephila · 2020-02-05T15:40:01+00:00

I hate the "make him pay for you" mindset, especially in the early days of dating when you're still feeling each other out. Dutch is preferable until both parties have a clear idea of where you'd like the relationship to go... whether it actually gets there is another issue of course, but in my opinion the intent counts. Being paid for always made me feel like I owed them something as well, and I prefer not being cornered like that. Edit grammar.

Orange_Paisley · 2020-02-05T15:21:42+00:00

Men here would insist that waiting a few dates to have sex is bad and if you don’t have sex on the first date you just aren’t attracted to the guy. This is bullshit and you can be completely attracted to someone and not want to jump into bed with them 5 minutes after meeting them. Letting the sexual tension build up over a few dates is hawt and makes the payoff that much better. Besides if you fuck them on the first date, you’re asking for a pump and dump experience. That said, FDS’s 3 month recommendation is not tenable either. Maybe 3-5 dates, tops.

rus9384 · 2020-02-05T16:10:18+00:00

[deleted]

87AudreyHorne · 2020-02-05T16:08:54+00:00

Anything about feeding a guys ego and diminishing yourself so he doesnt feel threatened. Fuck that. You want to be convenient or you want to be adored?

Reisiluu · 2020-02-05T16:19:02+00:00

Most of the advice given by men who have never married anyone or are against marriage, and just want to have sex with multiple women and maybe make one of them a forever girlfriend. What woman wants to end up like that?

cateml · 2020-02-05T19:09:08+00:00

Anything to do with the idea of "Mr Right" really, though that could be 'Mrs Right" in a gender flipped version, so it's not just about women.

I absolutely don't mean 'put up with someone you don't really love just because they're there' or 'settle'.

I mean the problem with Mr Right is that women (and men) will then date with a version of who that person is in their head, looking for that person. Like "They've got to be into x" "They've got to say y to me" "They've got to look like z". Then they find that person doesn't exist, or is very far away/taken, or if they do they don't like you back. Or even they find them and actually you're not that into it.

Sometimes the people/person you meet who you can actually make a good and happy go of it with isn't someone you'd have expected - and that isn't settling. It's not about entitlement or 'under/overestimating your value', it's about the fact that people are complex, and life is complex.
While it's OK to have some really important 'deal breakers' to do with values and red flags, it's silly to have more shallow (I don't means looks necessarily, I mean in terms of real impact as a person) less important ones that sabotage what could have been a really beautiful thing. And I don't mean "Keep on with people you're not attracted to", I mean "Don't ignore gut feelings of someone you could be attracted to because they're not what you expect".

Like, maybe you had in your head a sort of sarcastic nerdy artistic indie type. And you chase guys you meet based on how closely they fit the model. But then you meet a guy who doesn't seem on the face of it like that at all, but you love how passionate he is even if its about something you'd never dreamed 'your guy' would be passionate about, and maybe he wears 'jock' stuff instead of 'cool nerd shit', and is more positive than sarcastic. Or you imagined very specific kinds of gestures/phrases to show love, but this guy communicates differently. If you just immediately nope him out (even subconsciously) because he doesn't fit the bill, ignoring that gut feeling of 'being around this guy makes me happy', you're sabotaging your happiness based on someone who you made up - or even worse sticking with someone who makes you unhappy because they fit a picture. And thats silly.

Basically any kind of dating that is based around removed 'weighing up' people, or winning the game, looking for imagined third party validation - rather than authentic human interaction/exploring new kinds of attraction through a lens of self respect, and having fun. You might get hurt sometimes when you're vulnerable like that, but it's the kind of hurt that won't regret on your death bed.
It's partly why I dislike the red pill so much. I'm old and experienced enough to have seen people of all genders and sexualities destroy their own chances at happiness with that kind of rigid 'external' thinking, and its frustratingly pointless.

Edit: Can I just add - Tinder really doesn't help with this shit. I'm so glad sometimes I met my husband like... basically a week before Tinder became the expected dating method for all single people. You can absolutely still use dating apps and not develop that mentality, but it definitely makes it easier to slip into it.

MakeMoneyNotWar · 2020-02-05T17:04:21+00:00

"men don't care about your career"

absolute bullshit.

SlashCo80 · 2020-02-05T16:42:32+00:00

"You better hurry up and get married, the clock is ticking"

No I do not have to hurry up and I don't care about any clock. Marriage to a bad match would be miserable and no one would win. Having kids because you feel pressured is a lousy idea and no one wins.

tiposk · 2020-02-05T16:51:49+00:00

"Make him wait for sex". As counterintuitive as it might sound, this is the kind of advice that promotes sexual double standards and discourages women from respecting themselves.

The idea of "making him wait" implies that sex is a one way street for which I have the sole responsibility. When a woman sees sex in this light she might be less likely to get pumped and dumped as a ONS, but more likely to waste time with men who don't commit or who cheat at some point in the relationship. This is because she holds herself to standards that she doesn't expect from men, so instead of seeing his sexual advances early on in the relationship as a red flag, she sees it as normal male behavior that she's responsible for stoping.

This kind of relationship dynamic is a great deal for men who embrace the madonna/whore complex. These men know that the woman who makes them wait for sex accepts their sexuality in a way that they wouldn't accept hers. If the woman made sexual advances she would be automatically put in the whore box whereas the man would be simply asked to wait with the promise of getting his madonna at the end.

Cultures where this dynamic is common also have high rates of male cheating because men don't feel like sex is their responsibility. They also know that no matter how badly they behave, they will still get their madonnas, unlike women who will be punished for the same behavior.

That said, I'm not against women (or men) waiting for other reasons. "Making him wait" only becomes problematic when you're doing so with the intention to protect your image while not expecting him to do the same for you.

the-red_woman · 2020-02-05T15:31:15+00:00

Women want to believe we can trust men. Nope, not one bit.

The only men I trust, are my own blood.

Any man that is romantically and/or sexually interested in me, I trust about as far as I can throw him, which means not at all.

AutoModerator · 2020-02-05T15:06:25+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

luacheia89 · 2020-02-10T18:06:03+00:00

This is more along the lines of great advice that’s NOT given to women. It’s old-fashioned and stereotypical but men like to DO things for women. And I think a lot of women are so hesitant to accept that because they don’t want to seem like gold diggers. Or maybe it’s because they want to show off how independent they are thinking men are attracted to that. Men aren’t. They will like that you can support yourself insofar as they know you won’t leech off them. But beyond that, if men get any whiff of “I don’t need a man” it is unattractive. And why wouldn’t it be?

I think women need to re learn to graciously accept and even encourage men to do things they want to do for them.

For example, my boyfriend is servicing my car for me at the moment. I’d have no issue paying for this to get done. It’s what I was planning. When I told him what was wrong with it he said “oh, I think I can do that for you, can you give me a day?”. I accepted this and have been cooking a roast for him this afternoon so he’ll have something nice to eat when he finishes. I know SO MANY women that would prefer to pay for their own repairs to preserve their independence. This is damaging to a bond men and women make when they provide “masculine” and “feminine” things to one a other.

gimpgirl555 · 2020-02-05T15:33:42+00:00

What are some examples of common dating advice for women that’s actually unhelpful, bad, incorrect etc...?

- Don't settle.

- Hold out for a rich guy.

- Don't sleep with him.

- Expect him to pay for the dates.

- Impress him with your smartz, your degree, your career, etc.

- Look for a guy online.

- Dress conservatively.

- Be a bitch.

slavicgypsygirl · 2020-02-06T18:00:21+00:00

I date a lot but think all dating advice is bad

When you are crazy about someone, no one, including myself, ever takes it

SqueaksScreech · 2020-02-06T04:09:52+00:00

The whole "he asled me out he has to pay" and my favourite "if He's too broke take me on a date then he should have told me. I don't split yhe bill"

Bitch if you broke ad you don't go on a date. He ain't gonna pay for your broke ass.

Title	Q4women: What is some common dating advice for women that’s actually bad?
Author	Mr_Smoogs
Upvotes	23
Comments	261
Date	February 5, 2020 3:06 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/ezauwc/q4women_what_is_some_common_dating_advice_for/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4women-what-is-some-common-dating-advice-for.330386 https://theredarchive.com/post/330386

Comments