So many men say they want a smart woman...

Sage_Planter · 2020-07-14T03:49:22+00:00

You're right: NVM and LVM want "smart" women who parrot whatever opinion they have.

Most men like the idea of a smart woman or an independent woman, but when they actually date a woman who is one, the other, or both, they quickly change their tune.

seraphinelysion · 2020-07-14T04:05:09+00:00

Smart is relative.

I Want A “Smart” Woman Translation:

Smart enough to not drown in the tub while bathing.

Knows how to use a knife safely. (Or at least is able to miss major arteries if they cut themselves).

Able to dress themselves.

Able to follow simple directions- doesn’t ask too many questions.

When men desire “smart” the sweet spot is something better than their dog and waaaaay less than their 12 year old sister.

Basically, talks in complete sentences, doesn’t shit themselves and at the same time it’s obvious who the real “smart” one is.

Relevant-Giraffe7200 · 2020-07-14T03:56:43+00:00

My ex was a really "smart" guy with offers from companies like Goldman, Amazon etc before leaving Uni. Off the charts smart kinda guy. And he gets angry each time I tell him not to ride bikes with eyes closed relying on his "superior" Spidey auditory senses. FML. Some men are just dumb and they dont want to listen to reason.

ironymaiden87 · 2020-07-14T04:22:56+00:00

This is so true. My ex was so insecure about his lack of education compared to me (even though he earned $20k more than me but that's the fucking tech industry for you) that he'd constantly insult my intelligence and undermine me in public. It happened so much that I started to believe I was a total moron and I stopped speaking up when we were out with friends, especially his friends.

Once he was out of my life and I was able to spend time with friends who actually respect me I woke up and realised it was yet another way he was manipulating and gaslighting me. When I was with him I believed I was an unattractive idiot who couldn't do any better than him and I think that's the endgame for most LVMs. You build them up while they tear you down. It's so fucked. I don't know what I ever saw in that guy. He was absolute negative-value trash.

passionatevirtuoso · 2020-07-14T04:05:03+00:00

Yep.

The guys who started off saying they liked me because (their words) am "smart" eventually either 1) became insecure ("I'm not smart enough for you") or 2) got instantly enraged over small disagreements that a simple Google search corrected.

I don't think you need to be smart to know the approximate population of first-world powers, for instance, you just kind of have to read the news, right? Like if you're telling me NZ has 12 million people, which is way off, and it's a main and very relevant point of what you're saying, I'm going to say, 'Wait, I think it's quite a good deal smaller than that.'

Or if I mention something I learned in high school or first-year college classes, they are impressed.

But apparently this is the epitome of intellect?

PS. These guys all grew up in supposed 'first world' countries.

Lesson: I need to aim higher. :(

FewButterscotch6 · 2020-07-14T05:06:09+00:00

I have literally only known/quasi-dated ONE man in my life who genuinely liked me for my intelligence and enjoyed debating me even when he lost. Unfortunately, his career choice was a deal-breaker and no amount of debate could convince him that being a drug dealer, even a successful and "too smart to get caught" drug dealer was unacceptable. LOL

smolcontrolledbursts · 2020-07-14T06:34:41+00:00

They want you smart enough to independently perform bangmaid services and bring in income, but dumb enough to have to look up to them and stroke their ego.

Rebirthed_Queen · 2020-07-14T04:06:26+00:00

You're absolutely correct, and LVM with deep insecurity are more likely to make this false claim. In my personal experience with a NVM "friend", because of my prowess and recognition in certain academic topics, he would become depressed and self-hating whenever I would respectfully argue and disprove an argument of his. If I didn't then soothe his wounded ego, he would give me the silent treatment for days until he would vent about my and the world's "judging him" too harshly. It was so insidious that I didn't realize for months that this behavior was inappropriate and that I didn't have to stand for such immature dramatics.

Pasdepromesses · 2020-07-14T06:19:20+00:00

This is 100% true for N/LVM.

They really hate it when you’re smarter or verbally stronger than they are.

I do know HVM who appreciate a really smart woman though. And are open to different opinions or even changing their own opinion if the ‘other party’ makes sense. This is characteristic for people who are really open to growth and learning new things.

My (one and only) HVM ex even married his former boss with double the (academic) titles he has. They don’t always see eye to eye, but that keeps it interesting. As long as they agree on the core values in their relationship, they’ll be fine.

Maisiebr · 2020-07-14T07:41:58+00:00

My ex supposedly really loved my intellect. I never tried to appear more than I am, I never purposefully made him feel less (he was a smart guy too), I never acted like a "smartass". But when there were disagreements in certain discussions, I would calmly state my facts and I encouraged him to settle it by looking up the necessary information, instead of arguing back and forth. I would have taken it well if I was disproved (though I kinda knew I wouldn't be because I was well versed in the topic or read about it recently). He felt very emasculated about these disagreements. Like, I know when to let a topic go, but I won't let anyone desperately try to prove me wrong while saying things that aren't true. This seems to be the case with a lot of men. They are aggressive about certain topics and when they are confronted with the fact they are wrong, they blame you. Sorry boy, you emasculated yourself. If you didn't push it on me, you wouldn't be so embarrassed now, stop blaming me for not backing down when you say outrageous things.

msromperstomper · 2020-07-14T13:16:01+00:00

Academic here. What I’ve realized about my male colleagues is that almost all of them have a bit of a Pygmalion complex where they really get off on molding and shaping young minds, particularly young women’s minds, and take credit for it when these young women succeed. They have absolutely no idea what to do with a true intellectual equal, which is why they’re always pursuing the department secretaries and library assistants 10 or more years their junior.

gummyshea · 2020-07-14T08:05:32+00:00

LVM will love your intelligence as long as it doesn't challenge them.

RadarFemef · 2020-07-14T05:40:28+00:00

They just want women to agree with them and to not rely on them for help with anything

ChocoBananza · 2020-07-14T07:47:18+00:00

They really want a smart woman, but not smarter then them.

loudest_gusset · 2020-07-14T12:47:25+00:00

Men always say they are attracted to smart women. Yet, as soon as they start talking to me, they're already trying to prove that I am not as smart as they are. It's just so hard for them to accept that I am smarter! Usually they just quiz me to prove I don't know everything and it usually includes long winded r/iamversysmart -type of questions about my job, and here's a shocker: I don't want to talk about work outside of work! Sometimes instead of questions, they just start "teasing" like, if I'm so smart, I must not have many friends, or I don't know how to socialize, or I must be fat/ugly using filters on my profile pics. They want a "smart" woman, just not smarter than them. Quite frankly, it's the stupid guys that are more insecure about this. Actual smart people love meeting smarter people and expanding their knowledge and worldview.

Smart isn't about knowing more math or books or whatever, it's about engaging with ideas you're unfamiliar with and using your judgement, experience, and knowledge on related topics to expand on the aforementioned idea.

My current SO is the smartest man I have ever dated. He is completely inept in my field of knowledge, but he knows more than I do on other topics. He's clever, quick on his feet, and can keep up with me. Occasionally, I end up giving him a lesson on something I know more than him about, and he asks questions, engages, and learns something new. He does the same for me. Sometimes we debate and discuss things we both aren't experts on, and we use it as an opportunity to learn more about a topic and grow together. That's what a smart man looks like.

Hot tip: actual smart people don't say that they're looking to meet smart people. Intelligence just naturally gravitates towards intelligence.

asmkl8 · 2020-07-14T07:55:05+00:00

I’ve always advocated on behalf of black lives matter, ever since I was a young child (always a social justice advocate even as a kid). My LVM ex and I went on a hike a couple of years ago, and I was talking about this article I read about how mortgages, especially unregulated mortgage practices, such as variable interest rates were more highly practiced in communities in the south, and more frequently were predatory towards African-Americans. His fragile ego couldn’t handle that systematic racism is a thing, and affects us all. He literally was so mad, that he started to hike quickly away from me, walking ahead of me in BEAR country by at least a mile ahead of me and made me feel guilty and ashamed for saying truth. Never again. Should’ve left him then.

greenishpixie · 2020-07-14T05:56:58+00:00

Haha I love that little moment. If you wait a bit, they will always show themselves! Lol. Ladies look out for early signs of this nonsense so you can move on to better things immediately.

spiceandwine · 2020-07-14T11:35:24+00:00

[deleted]

minty-coral · 2020-07-14T14:47:41+00:00

Very true in my experience. I've come to believe they want someone who "reflects" their own so called "intelligence". That is, you should be smart, but come to the same conclusions as them. Which exposes how they really see you: as an extension of themselves.

These men are so common. I've hurt way too many egos in my life just by pointing things out neutrally. They take it as an attack and get really weird, or just downright aggressive. It's extremely off-putting how much of their identity is based on being 'right', and more specifically, being right over a woman, being better than her.

Tells you a lot, doesn't it?

Capable_Okra · 2020-07-14T11:20:15+00:00

Yep. My ex "loved" how smart I was and yet threw a hissy fit every time we disagreed on something because he thought I was acting like I was smarter than him. Well.. Yeah, I am when I had a much better education than him...

-badmadAM · 2020-07-14T13:04:29+00:00

Such men like to see themselves as very intelligent, they overestimate their own smartness and want a "smart" woman who thinks exactly like them (because he is always right) but still can't keep up with him or looks up to him, so he can remain superior. They can't handle anyone challenging their believes, least those that they have about themselves.

Unfortunately too many women are willing to idealize the intelligence of their men, gushing over them while putting themselves down.

TheFeministFox · 2020-07-14T13:19:02+00:00

I've noticed this as well.

LVM/NVMs definition of "smart" isn't a woman who is able to think critically, has her own opinion and the ability to provide valuable input to a conversation.

They are so self-absorbed and borderline narcissistic that they automatically assume that their own, personal point of view is the only one a "smart" person would ever hold. Because in their own heads, THEY are unquestionably right - they think of themselves as highly intelligent, and therefore see any deviation from a position they themselves hold as another person being less intelligent.

seraphinelysion · 2020-07-14T13:22:06+00:00

LVM want the appearance of a woman who is smart, so that they can look good to other men with her company. They don't actually want to put up with or deal with actual smart women. The minute you open your mouth to give your opinion, they really don't care what you have to say. It matters very little to them.

jjlew922 · 2020-07-14T15:17:19+00:00

Gosh these comments are good! It’s totally a LVM/NVM vs HVM thing. My current guy (HVM) and last guy (LVM), both genius level IQ & self-proclaimed sapiophiles, have a totally different approach. The last guy would talk in circles or stonewall by trying to move to another subject - it was clear he was uncomfortable, anxious, surprised and needed to take control of the convo to feel secure and showcase his “superiority”. Little by little he worked to tear me down and not build me up. This was #1 and what I addressed with him when I dumped his ass. My current guy when I bring an idea to the table or even correct or expand his thinking on something, he looks at me and says “have I told you I love you” and kisses me. There is a level of respect and free flow of ideas because we’re both mature and secure people.

chateauduchat · 2020-07-14T13:02:50+00:00

LVM and NVM want an intelligent HVW cheerleader to serve as a tool for their own grandiosity, not someone who challenges them in their ways of thinking.

ShadowoftheGrimoire · 2020-07-14T11:55:18+00:00

My ex NVM “friend” once told me that he was glad I was an independent type who didn’t constantly unload my problems onto him until he realized that I was too busy living my own life to constantly obsess about him. All of a sudden I was “selfish” and “didn’t care enough about him” because I didn’t want to go hang out with him and his mother after working two 14 hour shifts in a row or because I wasn’t on the phone with him every spare second I had.

When I moved overseas to pursue my third degree I was “stupid” because in his mind “I wouldn’t be able to achieve anything” by doing that despite the fact that I had been wanting to live in that country for nearly 10 years. (I think he was just pissed that I was giving up my high paying job to do that, and he somehow though he was losing out on his cash cow because I was no longer bringing in the salary of two people on my own.)

I always felt pressured and harassed to squeeze him into my schedule and that was part of why I started putting distance between me and him. In the end the one time I decided to confide in him about a difficult issue I was experiencing, all I got from him was “why should I care about your problems”.

Yeah I’m glad to be rid of him.

2020-07-14T13:40:52+00:00

My friend P and I both completed PhDs in our early 40s. It is interesting to note that each of our boyfriends cheated on us within around three months of us finishing.

Salt_Satisfaction · 2020-07-14T15:09:27+00:00

They want someone intelligent enough that they don't get bored but lord forgive that she's smarter than him.

They will find a way to insult her intelligence, say that her achievements don't mean anything or aren't that important (especially compared to his) then joke about how they're critical of their own intelligence and achievements so it doesn't look like the attack it is.

Pudding5050 · 2020-07-14T16:12:47+00:00

They say they want a smart woman but as soon as it turns out you're smarter than them they feel emasculated. You're allowed to be good at things but don't be better than them, it makes their pp shrink. They assume women are worse than them at everything.

GlitteringContact8 · 2020-07-14T16:40:21+00:00

Dumb, easy to manipulate, or naive with a little bit of unpredictability to spice it up is preferred by most. Brains are only good as long as they are entertaining, can be used to bolster status, and don't make difficult comments. Bonus points if he can demonstrate to his friends you are smart and then you agree with everything he says in front of them, if they let you speak.

TokiMarvel · 2020-07-14T17:20:23+00:00

When I told one guy that I built a cell phone as a hobby, he got quiet and standoffish. I guess he realized his “wisened older man” schtick wasn’t gonna cut it anymore. He really thought a handful of years made him smarter than me. At the end of our dealings, he sent me an email using above formal language, far from his actual personality.

eng2fly · 2020-07-14T14:36:01+00:00

A NVM/LVM will have issues with an intelligent woman but a HVM won’t.

I’ve seen it repeated on here that all men have issues with an intelligent woman but my boyfriend is extremely proud of how smart I am and brags on me abundantly when appropriate.

Not all men are intimidated by intelligent women or just want you to parrot their beliefs. A HVM will respect you for what you are. Boyfriend will change his opinion if I give a good counter and say something along the lines of “thank you, I’ve never thought of it from XYZ angle.”

Title	So many men say they want a smart woman...
Author	spiceandwine
Upvotes	364
Comments	72
Date	July 14, 2020 2:49 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hqtgcw/so_many_men_say_they_want_a_smart_woman/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/so-many-men-say-they-want-a-smart-woman.712380 https://theredarchive.com/post/712380

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