Counseling ?

IfYouCough-FuckOff · 2026-08-17T00:06:55+00:00

Potential to work if she applied herself. Clearly, it was a check box for her.

zxsxz · 2026-08-16T22:06:00+00:00

We tried the Gottman method. Luckily we had a really good counselor who would give my wife a pass. Really made me realize how often I and my feelings were ignored in a conversation. Highly recommend everyone learn this approach for anyone relationship in your life.

Hobdar · 2026-08-16T19:41:51+00:00

i offered she said she did not think at my age and with my mother (i dont know) it would make any difference.

I saw no hope and left her to what ever it was she wanted.

UrAristotle · 2026-08-16T18:25:48+00:00

In most cases by the time you’ve gotten to counseling, the STBX has already decided they’re done and is looking for a way to make it okay.

Mainfrym · 2026-08-16T18:11:36+00:00

They just tell you how everything is your fault, and if they don't your wife will change therapists to one that does; went through it myself.

eastlibertypj · 2026-08-16T17:57:31+00:00

Are you willing to self-reflect? Is your partner?

Do the two of you earnestly apologize to each other when you screw up? (not one of you, both of you)

If there is self reflection on both sides and accountability, I believe counseling can help.

Cross_22 · 2026-08-16T17:56:37+00:00

We tried a few counselors for IC and couples counseling: they are useless at best, dangerous at worst.

The one thing that was beneficial for me was to vent to an IC where I didn't feel like I had to walk on eggshells like at home. However, it's probably just as effective and cheaper to buy a random bloke a beer at a bar and talk about your issues there.

Feisty_Elderberry_96 · 2026-08-16T17:14:57+00:00

If the counselor is good/strong. If you STBX wants to stay married, maybe its a good idea.

Usually "we" find out too late.The ex already made up their mind, has their support group in place, vetted lawyers, etx.And just goes to counseling to appease us.

Further, my ex and I went. She already filed for divorce (I just wasn't served, so I had no idea). Every time the counselor had strong words for her - or indicated she (my ex) may be in the wrong. She would start to cry (to control or stop any discussion that indicate she was wrong or to work things).

My take - counseling to save a marriage is worthless.

Counseling to improve a marriage is worthwhile.

Counseling to learn how to coparent (or have an intermediary)between you to discuss issues with kids (to coparent) is worthwhile

exhausted_husband25 · 2026-08-16T17:11:05+00:00

Couples counseling only works if: - you are willing to change and make an effort - your spouse is willing to change and make an effort - you have a good counselor

If ANY of those aren't true, it's worthless.

That said, I don't think couples counseling does much beyond teaching you basics of communication and conflict resolution. As such it's less and less helpful the more sessions you go to.

Former_Tap_5471 · 2026-08-16T17:05:02+00:00

It didn't work for us. The counselor was too nice. He never pressed any issues, hardly asked any questions. It was like having coffee with a nice acquaintance every second Saturday. Thankfully our benefits covered this all. We both knew it wasn't doing much. We both agreed on what we needed to do ourselves. I kept up my end but she did not. We could have and should have said something to the counselor during the time. The fact that we didn't said enough about where we were headed.

Tvelt17 · 2026-08-16T16:55:21+00:00

It works if you do the work and have a good counselor.

If you're just showing up and complaining and not doing any of the out of counseling steps, its not going to help.

My counselor was fantastic. I could journal throughout the week and then we could talk through it. He could recommend books and exercises. We could discuss events that happened and how to handle them in the future.

As far as couple's counseling, its the same. You both need to do the work for it to work. If she's already checked out and not doing the work, its not going to fix anything.

shell_shocked_today · 2026-08-16T16:53:49+00:00

We tried - the counselor 'fired' us since my wife was clearly not willing to make an effort. I ended up seeing her alone for a few sessions to help deal with things, and she was great.

crzysnk18 · 2026-08-16T16:47:45+00:00

The counselor I had was fantastic. She helped me break free from my “white knight” complex and was very blunt when it came to my short comings and very positive when it came to my triumphs. It all depends on the counselor.

carnivalbilly · 2026-08-16T16:39:25+00:00

Yeah. Both me and my exwife went to counseling. I insisted we do that because I found out my health plan actually covered it completely and it was free. She wouldn’t do couples counseling because she didn’t like any of the counselors or specialists I picked and did not want to pick one herself.

I had multiple counselors and I believe the best were a retired preacher/dhr employee, and a lady who worked for my job’s wellness program who was previously an army counselor specializing in soldiers with ptsd. …And it helped me quite a bit but not really in the sense of “fixing” a “broken” marriage but in a learning your issues that contribute to those sort of problems in the first place and learning skills to better identify potential problems before they get out of hand... and in my case especially learning to enforce boundaries. They ended up helping me take about 6 months off work for the issue and my lost time insurance covered most of what I would have made. Over all I consider it a decent investment for it costing nothing.

As far as my ex wife’s brief stint with counseling, I think she went 3 times to some holistic counselor and they had her talk to an actual psychiatrist(which is just weird…they don’t usually do that) who placed her on a healthy regimen of meds for bipolar disorder, however she assured me heavily they never said she had bipolar disorder.

Curious_Will222 · 2026-08-16T16:18:55+00:00

Hot Take:

Couples and individual counseling have opposing goals.

Individual counseling with a good therapist will help you heal and grow in ways that may change your life dramatically, but you may end up single (if the person you’re with doesn’t want to heal & grow as well).

Couple’s counseling is for the goal in keeping the relationship in tact, which may not in fact be a healthy thing or serving either of you, because it only addresses the relationship and not the root issues in each individual.

My ex chose a therapist to help up work on communication & we were living together and co-parenting while “separated”….the more session23 did, the more truth came out, the more she wasn’t happy…about 8 sessions in she said she wanted a divorce.

I filed 2 weeks later

troglodyteoflove · 2026-08-16T15:53:42+00:00

I found most counseling techniques geared towards how women think and talk. They want you to talk and think like women in sessions, like, “I feel…”. Feeling over facts.

Sir_Teach_Alot · 2026-08-16T15:33:58+00:00

Couples counseling was a waste in my case.

But…. Individual therapy has helped me immensely. I’m able to talk about shit I’ve never said to anyone, and have come to realizations that I probably wouldn’t have in my own.

IMO- do couples therapy if she wants to- with low expectations. But get your own therapist asap!

Car_fixing_guy · 2026-08-16T15:24:52+00:00

Are you talking about couples or individual?

ProofConnect6521 · 2026-08-16T15:14:28+00:00

Try everything twice if children are involved

SomeVeryTiredGuy · 2026-08-16T15:13:14+00:00

I have a therapist for myself post divorce. It took me 3 tries for me to find one that fit. He helped me get through some rough times. A good side effect is that if you mention your therapist to a potential date, it's often a point in your favor.

th3b0x3s · 2026-08-16T15:01:50+00:00

Has your wife ever taken accountability? If not, sigh.

Legitimate-Corgi · 2026-08-16T14:56:28+00:00

If you’re both still at the point you want to work on it it can be beneficial but if one or both are already checked out it’s very unlikely to turn things around

Scared_Quantity_8187 · 2026-08-16T14:39:35+00:00

I did counseling in the early 2000’s and it had a positive impact.
When I was banned from the house in 2009 and told to come back from another state in 2012 or else….
I returned and said we need intensive counseling.
She declined saying her focus was our teen son.

Ultimately I went alone, she moved to another city, and I took advantage to raise my daughter through high school, and divorce.

It was hard but as I say, I contributed to the divorce in some way. It takes 2 to be married and at one point I was no longer going to be the partner.

funnyman6979 · 2026-08-16T14:19:45+00:00

Whe I floated this the response was, “is this counseling last resort or counseling staying together”, there was my answer.

Moving to second marriage, yes it “helps” but I found over the years tough to find a good therapist. It sucks to rewind and play, as someone suggested individual therapy for both then bring it together helps with the same therapist. No therapist is going to work towards blowing apart a family.

I found myself covering for my spouse in therapy like a conditioned response to my reality at the time. We even found a Christ centered situation but again, two willing people, working on each step.

In a second marriage it’s easy to go well I’m out of here when there’s some similar triggers.

First marriage, simple she couldn’t sleep with her husband but everyone else. Therapy wasn’t going to fix this.

Admire you throwing this out into the group I’m sure more will respond, good luck.

duuuuudesweeeeet · 2026-08-16T14:19:23+00:00

Total waste of time. One of the counselors (60+) didn’t even have kids.

nicarras · 2026-08-16T14:18:59+00:00

Couples and personal counseling yes. We are both in individual counseling, we did couples for awhile, paused that for a few months so we could both focus on solo counseling. While sounding strange, things are better than they have been in months.

McNastyNizzle · 2026-08-16T14:08:14+00:00

You should try personal counseling first, it’ll help you going into marriage counseling.

No_Chemistry8953 · 2026-08-16T14:06:24+00:00

My ex just weaponized therapy against me by using my vulnerable shares to manipulate me more. She often tried to recruit the therapist to her side instead of actually taking any accountability or working towards change. The amount of times I would be absolutely ambushed by my ex even though right before therapy she shared with me that everything was going good was also exhausting.

Lucky-Pomegranate-96 · 2026-08-16T14:04:55+00:00

My thought? If you’re at the point where you’re in heavy duty heavy couples counseling it’s probably way too late.

One person probably wants out already, and the other person is halfway there, even if they don’t admit it .

You will know this if it sounds like it’s constantly dragging the other person to counseling or reminding them. Oh hey, we have counseling coming up. And she will be like : “again?”

Individual counseling I found has been helpful. Not a miracle cure but slow and steadily does help.

vwaldoguy · 2026-08-16T13:52:00+00:00

I've been divorced for 8 years, but before that, we tried counseling with 2 different therapists for a few months. She wanted the counseling, and I immediately booked an appointment with a therapist, which I think shocked her. I guess she thought I wouldn't do it. But it was clear after several joint sessions that she didn't want to do the things necessary to save the marriage. So we divorced.

Ok-Anything-3605 · 2026-08-16T13:51:52+00:00

Was a waste for me. She dumped the 1st one bc she was ‘too hard’ on her. She bailed on the 2nd one because I was open and vulnerable and when it was her time to reciprocate and admit faults and shortcomings, it was easier to quit therapy and the marriage all together. A 6 month committed therapy program cut short after 2, so I never even got closure or enough time to get to what I needed to. Therapy is a 50/50 shot at best

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2026-08-16T13:44:16+00:00

I highly recommend.

TimeCycle3000 · 2026-08-16T13:43:46+00:00

My wife wants to try but the thing is it’s too late. I’ve lost all love, and there’s too much pain for too many years.

Perhaps if she were willing to go to counseling years ago like I asked before it got this bad, then it could have worked

MorningStar360 · 2026-08-16T13:43:17+00:00

Yep, was in it for close to three years and it was a complete waste. Got in front of a handful of different “therapists.” Basically just an hour every week to review all the things I did wrong. Absolutely no accountability and the two counselors we saw that made attempts to show anything that resembled a critical review of her own actions, she’d say “I think we need to see somebody else.”

I won’t say it’s completely useless, I’ve met a few other couples who said it was useful. But for my particular situation I believe my ex was dealing with some severe personality disorders, and from what I’ve researched variables such as that make it extremely difficult. I’d like to think it was obvious, but the state of therapy today is in such a weird space that if I went into an office and told my therapist I believe I am a cat they are probably trained to allow me to keep those beliefs. So I don’t see how helpful it can be if its modern model is to just allow people to hold onto beliefs that are categorically false.

For what it’s worth, out of the handful of counselors we saw I think the ones who had the ability to help were the oldest ones, so consider seeking out a mature and older counselor with a considerable amount of experience and years of practice and avoid the younger ones.

Title	Counseling ?
Author	Maleficent_Grab3354
Upvotes	5
Comments	49
Date	August 16, 2026 1:28 PM UTC (1 day ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1vpx2qp/counseling/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/counseling.1633181 https://theredarchive.com/post/1633181

Comments