Does anyone else feel ashamed?

bkdad75 · 2024-08-04T13:40:01+00:00

I'm 8 months into a separation which will certainly lead to a divorce. How justified she was in ending our marriage, and how much shame I should feel, are things that preoccupy me too.

Some people would say that in my circumstances guilt is inappropriate. There was no abuse, I supported her handsomely, I worked hard at work and at home, and I loved her. She was unhappy. She found a man she liked better and left me suddenly for him. When you loved someone, and she says you caused her anguish, you're going to feel guilt. I set myself the task of making her happy, and I failed at that task. The question is, could I ever have succeeded? Would the price I would have had to pay been one that could have left me happy too, or was what she asked simply too much?

That's an alternate past. You'll never know whether it was possible. The question is unanswerable, and there will never be resolution that way. All we can do is forgive ourselves, and remember that the guilt, even if it is unnecessary, comes from a place of generosity. It shows that even if we didn't love them the way they wanted us to, that love was real.

Remarkable_Egg492 · 2024-08-03T21:01:53+00:00

I have my moments. I then remember why I filed in the first place. I remember the conversations we had about getting married for the wrong reasons, wanting to find true love, being happy finally, her crazy and infidelity and how she ran away so quickly for some quick pleasure.

I often wonder if she feels ashamed. She's expressed it at times and wanted to reconcile at one point but I turned her down immediately.

I now realize that I would be much more ashamed if I lived a life full of misery and lies.

Weigh your options and look at your future. Guilt is a powerful emotion. Emotions aren't for the weak, but they can make you weak.

For me there's no turning back no matter what, even if I have to coparent for another decade or more.

One thing I've realized that the more emotional of a man you are, the more likely you are taken advantage of. This is now a business transaction, and you need to look out for your best interests. So shut that shit off and move on with your life.

Edit: I reread your post and have a couple additional thoughts.

Apparently divorce is only easier to go through than losing a child.
If you had all the money back that she's taking from you in child support, would you be happier?
You're doing good by setting goals. Keep your eye on the prize.

Icerunner45 · 2024-08-02T23:17:13+00:00

I’m just starting the process and I feel humiliated, ashamed, guilty, etc. You’re not alone.

Ok_Thing7777 · 2024-08-02T18:37:19+00:00

You have nothing to be ashamed of. I understand, I feel sad sometimes, too. especially how proud I was all the time talking about my family. It will get better. You worry about you and get your life together for your children. That's who you live for. A lot of us are in the same boat. I never expected my wife to leave with my 4 kids. Take this time to be the best version of you. Lead in example your children can live up to. But again, you have nothing to be ashamed about. You're not the one that left you're not the one that ended the marriage you said for better or worse, and you stood by your word. She should be the one ashamed.

shell_shocked_today · 2024-08-02T15:11:45+00:00

I hear ya.

I'm only about 6 months into the separation, but its getting better for me (slowly). My kids (15, 18) have love-bombed me constantly, assuring me i'm a good dad. And, I've come to the conclusion that I don't care what people think about it. The people I care about know what happened and why. She can spread her rumours and gossip around. I'm not going to.

Finances are tough. I picked up a side gig which helps a lot. Dating - only just starting to think about it.

I hope things get better for you!

Lazy_Honey5203 · 2024-08-02T11:38:22+00:00

Right there with you, brother.

albertofranfruple · 2024-08-02T11:32:13+00:00

I believed my exes gas lighting and thought that I was an absolute piece of shit. That whatever I did must have been so heinous and horrible to lose my family over it. I became suicidal depressed and a few months later realised what was happening. Check out silver bullet divorce and parental alienation strategies. It starts to make sense the more you see through it.

No-Marsupial1823 · 2024-08-02T11:30:41+00:00

I hear you and deeply sympathize with you. I’m hurting and struggling as well. Sometime I feel I’ll never get over this. I just try to go to work everyday and take care of my finances. I’m hoping within the next couple of months I’ll be able to be in a better situation financially atleast. Dating does suck and what’s worse is I moved to a new state for a good job and I have no family or friends to support me. It’s really hard. I feel like I’m trying to survive. And yes I feel ashamed, hurt, angry, lost, outcasted, lonely and devastated. I’m just trying to hold hoping and thinking that this won’t last forever. Just got to keep pushing forward. Everyone gives advice for exercise and self care which I don’t have it in me to complete. I feel like I’m just wandering. I really hope things get better for you and me as well. All I can say is try to keep fighting although everything seems to be against you.

Boomhower113 · 2024-08-02T03:55:44+00:00

Dude, divorced people are all over the place. Even good people have breakups.

Don’t assume everyone thinks you’re some kind of freak. If anything, you’re in the majority.

Keep being a good person. That’s what they’ll see.

rpm04004 · 2024-08-02T02:59:22+00:00

Mostly the same. I feel ya big time. I dont think so, but just sometimes wonder the same— is something wrong with me? But overall I think its no. Its a brutal brutal circumstance. The best case for us is we shut up, man up, quietly move on. For them its this exciting freedom YOLO go live it up while we have the kids. I dont know why its so hard to get over, but im sure it will happen eventually if we stay the course. Maybe its because our little kids will pop up and say the most heartbreaking thing at 3 years old— something we dont have the answer for and are too sad that this is their reality. “How come she has a mom and a dad?” “Why dont you live at the red house anymore”. Maybe its because we have reason and logic and cant believe this happened. We remember what it was, what it couldve been, and cant figure out why everything has to be harder for you and your kids forever. Why couldnt it have gone differently? Wracking your brain to figure out how all the decisions in life led to this and it just cant make sense. Idk… i am learning it really does no good to dwell on. Its does nothing to wallow or break. It doesnt help to feel like we have been wronged, but also that we did wrong and caused this because of some flaw. We just didnt understand things as they are. Its ok. Its going to be ok. Keep going with your small goals. Keep going with whatever you can to improve yourself. Its devastatingly sad, yes. Maybe were lucky that nothing else has been comparably bad in life, so this hurt is new and raw. No ones going to save us but ourselves. Good luck man- find some joy tomorrow

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2024-08-02T01:41:29+00:00

So true, with some women they treat the marriage relationship like it was a job. After so many years they feel that they are entitled to some sort of a raise or promotion. When there is nothing else to give they look for another “job”.

grimxluna4ever · 2024-08-02T00:09:40+00:00

Yes. I feel it. It's terrible. And I feel the same like people look at me as it must have been me. It wasn't. She was brutal. Still is. We married the wrong person. At least I did. I wish I had known the red flags but I didn't. She's out partying and I'm working and taking my kid to the gym. Eat. Bed. That's my day. I'll take it. I'm one of the lucky unlucky ones.

Theedon · 2024-08-01T23:53:28+00:00

You are going through the motions of the divorce. I bet most of us have felt this way. The loss of purpose affected my big time.

You will recover, and with some work, you may find someone to start a new relationship with. Hopefully, the process doesn't repeat.

Own-Customer5373 · 2024-08-01T23:00:46+00:00

Men are wired to feel this way. Your trophy got taken in front of the world. Reinvent yourself.

TreyGarcia · 2024-08-01T22:35:00+00:00

OP, please read up on walkaway wife syndrome. Most guys on this sub should read it too. It gave me a huge window into what happened with my marriage. Nowadays, 70% of separations/divorces are initiated by the woman, there are reasons. When you’re too close to it, you can’t see it.

disgustinbrother · 2024-08-01T22:24:36+00:00

I'm just starting the process, servered her the other day. I feel like a failure at times. My parents got divorced when I was in jr high. I always said I won't be like them split after 21yrs. I made it to 23

techrmd3 · 2024-08-01T21:09:09+00:00

A guy I follow has an explanation I like -

When you marry a spouse sometimes it's like -

ok let's date, they say good now what?
ok, I guess we could get engaged, they say great now what?
ok, let's have a wedding, they say wow great now what?
ok, let's get a house, they say wow great now what?
ok, let's have kids, they say great now what?
ok... (you are at a loss for what to give them next), they say now what?
they say now what? (you are stumped)
they say now what? now what? now what?
they say now what? a little more plaintive,
then one day they say Oh I know what I want I want a divorce.

In many ways if there is no violence, no addiction, no marital strife and one spouse leaves - well it may be because you didn't have anything else to give to someone who is used to getting things.

What I'm getting at is your divorce may have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

Is it tragically painful, yes. Is it unfair, yes. It is what it is.

I began feeling ashamed that I had not been able to stay married. But at the end of the day, a marriage is made with two people who WANT to be married. If one no longer wants to stay married in a free society they can exit.

after hearing like 50+ divorced men's stories that were strangely similar to my own. It occurred to me that divorce is the new normal. Despite what we think about love conquers all and vows are never broken we DO NOT LIVE IN THAT WORLD NOW. Just have to live the real world.

ReallyRealOrNot · 2024-08-01T20:27:55+00:00

I feel this

ooomn57 · 2024-08-01T20:10:37+00:00

I acknowledge that there is this weird unnecessary feeling of being ashamed when someone discovers you are divorced.

It's a universal feeling.

But, she as a woman is experiencing this feeling of being embarrassed and ashamed 10 times more than you as a man, and this is also a universal truth, divorce is much more of a calamity for women than it is for men, even if she is the one who initiated it and said she really wanted it.

It's not a financial calamity for her of course, but it's very much an emotional one.

So, you aren't alone in this, almost all divorced men feel the same, and guess what? Divorced women feel it even harder.

I acknowledged the feeling itself, it just is, but it is a dumbass irrational feeling, so you should not entertain these silly thoughts, push against them mentally and don't give a flying shit about what people say.

People are stupid most of the time, my friend.

l3landgaunt · 2024-08-01T19:46:26+00:00

I felt ashamed at the very beginning, but family and friends made it clear from the beginning that she changed and I did nothing wrong except not setting good boundaries with her from the beginning

Feisty_Elderberry_96 · 2024-08-01T19:27:49+00:00

I did. My ex is a great person (besides the crap she pulled during the divorce) and is a good mother. I was ashamed and embarrassed of being divorced initially. I always thought people would think - What did HE do wrong?

Then I woke up and said fuck it. I'm going to be a proud divorced father. I'm going to remain silent on the BS my ex pulled and proudly say I'm a single dad 35-40% of the time (my custodial time).

Remember this: Your divorce doesn't define you. And anyone who looks differently at you because of it should not be part of your life.

Top-Pop-2624 · 2024-08-01T19:26:11+00:00

Good advice there. 👍

Illustrious-Tear-749 · 2024-08-01T19:18:59+00:00

I think that is a natural response. You can only look at yourself in the mirror. It eases with time. You accept that it didn’t work. Hang in there. The roller coaster doesn’t last forever.

fixingmedaybyday · 2024-08-01T19:15:38+00:00

I'll recommend therapy too. It helps you to explain this feeling and to understand it. It'll help you see what was really happening and to see history in a different light. I went through the shame spirals too. I started going when I would wake up, start crying almost immediately until I could eventually pull myself back together around noon.

I still go through the shame spirals too. Just started to see my therapist again recently because of it. It's helped immensely to get unstuck with some of the issues that caused me to marry my ex in the first place, as well as why I'm getting unstuck from the spiral again.

As for your questions, no it wasn't worth destroying the family. But she chose to do it. That's on her - not you. Until you're sure someone's a truly trust-worthy and healthy person for you to talk to, all you have to say to them is "apparently it stopped working out". They weren't there, they weren't an audience to your reality TV show, don't give them ammo to create their own narrative.

This shit is hard. You're not alone and it's not all your fault and you're not a bad person. You can't control other people, so you have no choice but to live with her decision. Working on thinking towards your future instead of the past helps a lot to make the pain fade away too.

DudeforRighteousness · 2024-08-01T18:36:53+00:00

You were gaslit for so long you still don’t realize that everything was not your fault. Narcissist women have a way of putting all responsibility on you, including their own feelings. She doesn’t deserve you, she never did. Cut her loose.

investthrowaway000 · 2024-08-01T18:08:54+00:00

The shame spiral is a bitch. It's easy to fall into. I used to think I deserved to feel the pain because I wasn't able to do what I needed to do to change.

I promise you this is not the way.

Seek therapy, this changed my life. It's been 2.5 years and I go every 2-3 weeks. Even if you think everything is fine, just keep talking.

I know the pain your are feeling and I know it's not fun. It's easy to say, but find things that bring you joy and chase after them. Read, journal, work out, do the work and become the absolute best version of yourself that you and I know you can be.

Be the best you for your kids, your friends, and your future relationships and whoever gets you next is going to be a lucky one.

Dating is horrific. Don't chase. Become the ultimate version of you and you will attract.

Stay strong brother. You got this!

BanjoKfan64 · 2024-08-01T18:01:13+00:00

Don't blame yourself, first of all, everyone makes mistakes, so whatever ones you did make as long as they weren't awful like abuse or cheating can always be forgiven and can happen to anyone and to the best of us, you sound like a good person who cares, some people have shit wrong with them and don't get help for it or just aren't willing to commit.

Def I would do therapy, I am now and it is helping me through my Divorce big time, it's helping me realize that I am on the path of growth for my errors and that I let things slide that I should not have with my Spouse. You're going to drive yourself crazy trying to overthink the what ifs, you don't deserve that. There is nothing wrong with you.

Just keep focusing on your kids and keep working on yourself. Short term pain but Long term relief I guarantee.

Flashy-Excitement247 · 2024-08-01T17:54:14+00:00

I would recommend therapy to deal with these internal voices. it's a defense mechanism. I've seen a few posts by others who flip the script on divorce, they proudly annouce it, and turn it into a light hearted joke as a means to take ownership of their situation and avoid the pity party inflicted upon you. that might be something to explore in therpy.

Bermnerfs · 2024-08-01T17:53:14+00:00

It's really hard to process, especially for people who have never been through this. They just slowly start slipping away without saying a word, then one day they're a completely different person. You try everything you can to understand how they could just flip a switch and turn so callous. You wonder how they got to this point without once speaking up, having an adult conversation. Then you're expected to keep it together and act rational as you're about to lose everything that matters in life.

I don't feel ashamed, I just feel angry, confused, and sad. I have accepted that she isn't going to change her mind, so now I am focusing on the kids and myself.

I haven't gone all the way through it yet though, so maybe I will feel the same way you do once it actually finalizes.

Weary_Landscape_7098 · 2024-08-01T17:52:49+00:00

Very similar story here. I was also ashamed at first. Eventually that feeling went away, and now I'm in a "new normal" situation. My life is totally different than what I envisioned when I got married, and that's ok.

A LOT of other people get divorced, so you getting divorced is nothing new. I know it might feel like everyone's eyes are on you right now, but they're not.

Go out and live your life and enjoy your newfound freedom! Recovery will be slow, but I'm sure you're strong enough to get through this.

Title	Does anyone else feel ashamed?
Author	LuvDonkeeButts
Upvotes	57
Comments	55
Date	August 1, 2024 5:33 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ehmm1z/does_anyone_else_feel_ashamed/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/does-anyone-else-feel-ashamed.1526024 https://theredarchive.com/post/1526024

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