Grief

Everyone_Is_Sad · 2024-05-11T16:02:15+00:00

I just die a thousand little deaths every day.

Pierre509 · 2024-05-11T00:49:44+00:00

Watch a lot of stoic videos on YouTube and watch YouTube videos on divorce men . Watch “listen my son”

ceegster · 2024-05-10T19:09:13+00:00

Everyone has different ways of dealing, it was hard for me for the first few months. I basically had to rediscover myself and find new hobbies, pick up on old hobbies. I worked a lot to keep my mind off things, eventually the thoughts of depression, grief and anger slowly dissipated. But find you, I read earlier, find someone to play with your penis, just don’t pay for it, it’s illegal in most areas, find a hobby to help occupy your mind. At the end of the day, your world may stop spinning, but the real word doesn’t. Someone somewhere loves you/needs you.

caseyjshu · 2024-05-10T03:53:43+00:00

Meds.

Ok_Kaleidoscope_9301 · 2024-05-10T02:12:41+00:00

I’ve been through this lost 3 houses have a broken relationship with children I was a total mess Start traveling get out and about it’s a big world with different experiences to find Be selfish put yourself first !

captainchippsixx · 2024-05-09T20:47:35+00:00

Get mad. Load the house up with coffee or whatever caffeine you do . Write a to do list on protecting your assets and finances. Then execute. Change passwords. Put alerts on accounts.

Heed the warning. Even though she is in the wrong, she will try to fuck you over more. I would still absolutely fucking consult an attorney! Even if you pay $500 and get a great checklist for you to follow based on your state.

Also, tell her family now what she did. Then tell yours. If you don’t…… she will say you were abusive and she was only looking for a friend…. Blah blah blah.

Ecstatic-Shopping313 · 2024-05-09T20:21:41+00:00

Don't be afraid of antidepressants. I would not be here today if I hadn't started on them. There is zero shame, and it can work wonders.

the_fired_up_sra · 2024-05-09T20:08:21+00:00

I spent $3000 on a bicycle and rode it til my ass turned purple.

NewDay0110 · 2024-05-09T19:41:09+00:00

This week I've noticed a higher number of posts from men who are grieving the loss of their relationship. I understand because the day after I learned of my wife's affair I couldn't stop randomly crying. But nothing prepared me for what I went through in court. To have the government examine every detail of your life under a microscope to try to paint you as an unfit parent and take your assets that you spent your life working to build as the primary income for the family. Court was mentally and financially devastating. After going through that hell I wish I never have to ever see my ex again. I just don't care about that person anymore.

WittyBeautiful7654 · 2024-05-09T19:10:19+00:00

It's been said a million times. But it does get a lot better. Stay busy the next couple months. Heal your wounds, grieving is a process. Do what ya need to.id suggest staying off the booze. Let it hurt it'll be better not soon but it will. Sorry you're going through it.

DivorceCharacter512 · 2024-05-09T15:41:12+00:00

You're a little early in the process - but to quote a good friend of mine: you'll feel a lot better once you find a pretty lady to play with your penis.

NoLawfulness8554 · 2024-05-09T14:01:55+00:00

Therapy. Saying the serenity prayer, and praying for guidance. And hiring an attorney.

i80west · 2024-05-09T13:13:45+00:00

Talking about it helps if you have a therapist or someone close who can listen. I found writing about it helped me. I don't have a therapist and I didn’t want to ask my friends and relatives to sit through the repeated venting I needed. Writing also helped me clarify my plans. I walk an hour a day and could say out loud all the things I'd want to say to her. That also helped. Mainly, keep busy, keep focused on your planning, and give it time. Acknowledge your feelings. You can survive them.

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2024-05-09T12:50:37+00:00

This was me last February. I leaned on family & friends for support plus hit the gym hard. Honestly nothing is going to make it go away right now but you have to stay out and active or you can spiral quickly. I was basically paralyzed by disbelief and sadness for about 6 weeks.

The good news is I am amazed how far I’ve come since those dark times. Stick with it, totally normal to feel a pit in your stomach for a while. With effort you will overcome these feelings as well just give it time and don’t quit on yourself.

fffrdcrrf · 2024-05-09T12:37:37+00:00

I had to leave my empty apartment and go for a drive or walk. I also had to go spend weekends with my parents. I do great at work, it’s when I’m alone that the thoughts creep up. That’s what helps me get out and about don’t stay home

dukeofthefoothills1 · 2024-05-09T12:27:16+00:00

I actively started going to support groups. One good one is https://www.divorcecare.org and usually meets at churches.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-05-09T09:36:35+00:00

get a journal or open a notes page in your phone - write down what you want to text her or say to her, your circular thoughts and whatever else
Go for a drive alone and scream out the most vitriolic hate filled shit you want to say to her at the top of your lungs

RedFridged · 2024-05-09T08:07:25+00:00

You’re going to make it friend. Remember…someone before you made it through this…it just takes time. It’s not your fault.

It’s not your fault.

DarkEnergy67 · 2024-05-09T07:46:45+00:00

All the usual stuff, go to gym etc. however, for me it was always a mental and perception thing, and I found reading philosophy was a game changer for me. My thing was stoicism, but maybe you might find another philosophy to help if that doesn’t suit you.

howlscastle2457 · 2024-05-09T06:56:01+00:00

Moving on startını with small steps Will definetily help you. Do what you wished to do but couldnt do because of your marriage, like playing an instrument, walking hiking, gym, sport, meeting with old friends etc. There is a life you have neglected

jkw118 · 2024-05-09T03:19:57+00:00

As others have said finish the divorce ASAP.. my ex did similar stuff and a lot of stuff that really fd me and the kids up.

For me to an extent my kids gave me a reason to avoid the "bad thoughts" I may of had them with her, but they were with me. And I knew not matter what happened I needed to be there for them..

If you don't take care of yourself, you can't be there for the kids.

My ex drank alot, to deal with her daemons, anxiety etc.. then mixed in drugs. It's best to just divorce. And who knows if she'll become a descent non-drunk mom or if she's going to drink herself to sleep everynight.

But if the kids have to deal with a drunk it won't be good. So you do what you can, document get 50/50 or primary custody (as I doubt the courts will give you 100%) I have 70/30 with my ex. but still I'm always expecting to get a call when she has the kids .. And I make sure the kids have cell phones and a way to contact me.

NotUsedUsernameYet · 2024-05-09T02:15:31+00:00

You have very little time window to settle divorce on a good terms while she is in the affair fog. Do not waste this chance. Keep yourself busy with research and ensure you set rest of your life for the maximum possible success given the circumstances.

You are up for a battle of your lifetime. While your adversary is in affair you act.

Its_Only_My_Opinion1 · 2024-05-09T01:58:58+00:00

Mediation?

You really wanna “work it out” knowing another man had her attention? If it was physical, another man was inside your wife and you wanna come to an understanding?

Bro, have some self respect and leave her. You can’t trust her. She’s for the streets. Kick her to the curb and file for divorce. Fuck mediation. What’s that gonna do? Show her you don’t value yourself.

The quicker you get rid of her is the quicker you can start healing.

sak144 · 2024-05-09T01:40:41+00:00

I went and got an amazing therapist who basically convinced me that it was time for me to be very selfish in making sure I was happy and that my needs were fulfilled going forward. No more worrying about being super husband, super dad, super worker, none of that. Just focus on myself because my kids and my future partner (if I ever find one) need me to be happy and healthy. And unless I grow and become happy with myself, then all of this is just useless effort.

Thank god I chose to listen to him. You get to reinvent your life now however you want. Remember that Kevin Spacey line in American Beauty? "You never get to tell me what to do ever again". Repeat to yourself over and over and over.

Now go and dream big about what you want in the second half of your life.

Lumptbuttcat · 2024-05-09T01:30:24+00:00

First, never stray from a simple fact. She chose to cheat. It’s not about you, alcohol, or any other narrative she chooses to tell herself to make her feel justified in destroying her family. Just block it all out. You cannot figure this out. Again, bottom line is she chose to value a fling over her husband and family. That’s the reality. She’s disgusting.

Second, you need to move on today. Everyday. Small steps.

tragicaddiction · 2024-05-09T00:56:45+00:00

one of the things that helped me is have a list of things to be grateful for and add one thing everyday

doesn't have to be big, can be a small thing.. and if you don't think you can have anything to be grateful for you arn't thinking hard enough

like even something as simple as do you have all your limbs? can you see a beautiful sunset? do you have a job? do you have a roof over your head right now and food in your stomach?

when you start to focus on only the bad things its easy to spiral.

roshi-roshi · 2024-05-09T00:56:30+00:00

This sounds like a plan. I’ve got to get my shit together and do this.

pikohina · 2024-05-09T00:55:44+00:00

I did a few things: found good books to read, listened to every divorce for men podcast while working out/cleaning, walked, cleaned closets and drawers, debrief marriage with counselor, work on my truck, workout and walk some more.

Read the divorce books rec’d in here, stop drinking, don’t express anger with her, in fact don’t talk to her, hire lawyer. Good luck. Things will slowly seem better, just got to get over the hump.

HereinPA1 · 2024-05-09T00:01:21+00:00

Let them wash over you and feel everything. I am just a year shy from my wife dropping the bomb and divorce was finalized last month.

I would read on here how time does wonders and I thought no fucking way, I’m never going to escape the despair and dread that had taken over my body and mind. But I promise you it does. There will be moments of clarity and you will fall down multiple times. I’ve done it over and over but you will get back up.

You will soon learn how non linear the grieving process is. You will feel sad, angry and good multiple times over and in many different combinations. It’s a terrible ride but you must go through it, step by step and day by day.

May 8, 2025 seems like a millennium right now, but you will make it.

Talk to as many trusted people you can and do not hold in your emotions. Let them out safely and do not be embarrassed for how you’re feeling.

You’ve got the gym already down. Find a therapist if you need to, it helps a lot.

Sorry you’re going through this and that your stbx betrayed you.

CulturedGentleman921 · 2024-05-08T23:59:45+00:00

I figured that if I have time to think about her, i have time to improve myself.

I hit the gym hard. I went on long vigorous walks because i didn't want to injure myself.

I volunteered with a pet shelter, habitat for humanity, and a soup kitchen. I met a lot of cool people.

I studied and got some certifications.

By the time my head hit the pillow, i would sleep like a toddler.

INERTIA IS YOUR ENEMY

Bernie51Williams · 2024-05-08T23:55:37+00:00

Be glad.

Better you find out who she is now than years later. I'm sorry man but look at it as a blessing. Own your part, she was likely bored and you didn't keep her entertained but that in no way justifies cheating. Remember if you take her back she will never stop once she knows she can get away with it.

Lift in the morning, cardio in the early evening, sleep by 9pm if you can. Exhaust yourself.

Title	Grief
Author	Ok-Satisfaction-4457
Upvotes	26
Comments	50
Date	May 8, 2024 11:46 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1cnj5jx/grief/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/grief.1517960 https://theredarchive.com/post/1517960

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