I gotta ask, does it ever get better? The hate for your ex wife?

patently_pleasant · 2022-06-04T17:48:08+00:00

Therapy got me through it. My ex wife started cheating on me at least emotionally, and probably physically too, only 3 months before the wedding and then left for the affair partner 3 months after the wedding. Together for 6 years. Once I figured it out I hated her for a long time. Almost 2 years now since the wedding and I’m at a point where I really don’t think about her much at all anymore. My life has changed so much since then and the people that were mostly her friends have all left.

As cliche as it sounds, time really does heal all wounds. If you talk to a therapist about your anger and resentment, it will put you in a mental state where you are capable of letting go and letting good things enter your life again. I highly suggest pushing yourself a little bit out of your comfort zone to bring something new and exciting into your life. Maybe a new hobby, new workout routine, new friends, new job, new wardrobe, etc. I’ve learned that nobody in your life is irreplaceable. We will all die some day and eventually nobody will remember us. Let’s do what we can in the meantime to find our little slices of heaven, even if it’s just for a few minutes at a time.

AirSailer · 2022-06-04T18:31:23+00:00

I find myself physically recoiling from my ex-wife any time I'm near her. It's been more than a year since our divorce was finalized and I still can't stand being around her. I definitely have PTSD from having to live with her during the divorce.

Jagged_Rhythm · 2022-06-04T19:08:57+00:00

Not for me. Been divorced over 4 years now and I feel physically ill when I think of times I was intimate with her, and that I tried to treat her as an adult. The level of foolishness I feel for making such an abhorrent choice for a partner rocks me to my core, and makes me question my own skills of judgement, to the point I'm terrified of dating. The worst is that I wasted 20 precious years with someone who never had goals greater than being a party-whore, stoner, and a drunk. I was repeatedly slapped, clawed, screamed at, and embarrassed in public. I feel like I ruined my life.

Jonger1150 · 2022-06-04T19:01:59+00:00

My ex-wife is co-parenting with me and one of our kids is a type 1 diabetic. Her poor care hurts my son, so the hatred is strong.

Let's not talk about her BDSM fetish lifestyle and the horrible men she previously threatened to bring around my kids.

It can be worse.

MartyMcFly7 · 2022-06-04T20:18:40+00:00

Honestly, there were days I wanted to slash my ex's tires, but never did. We had to share the same house for 2 years during our divorce and I'd flip her the bird every time I walked past her door (granted, it was always closed, but still...grrrrr).

But I'm a determinist, so I have to accept that if I were born with her brain and experienced her experiences, I would make the same decisions. So being mad at her would be like... being mad at gravity.

And by holding on to that anger, I was only punishing myself, and that's not what I want for myself, I want to enjoy life and be happy.

The best revenge isn't "living well," it's not caring about revenge at all; it's about wanting the best for her (and everyone), because if I were her (or them), I would want the best for myself. This is the mature way to look at things (and if people don't want the best for me, I assume they just haven't yet reached that level of maturity or understanding).

So I focused more on my health and happiness, found someone else who was happy and healthy, and things got even better. Hate begets hate, love begets love. You can't be an angry person and have a loving relationship. You have to get past that shit.

Even at the end of my divorce, after all the fighting, I sent a brief text to my ex and wished her all the best on her new journey. It was cathartic, brought about some peace and closure, and she was very appreciative.

Anyway, that's what worked for me. I hope you find your way through. :)

JonathanApple · 2022-06-04T18:20:34+00:00

Go for indifference although if she fell off a cliff I wouldn't complain.

awesomelybearded · 2022-06-05T02:42:04+00:00

A few months ago one of my ex-wives died, and it was very sad, because it was the wrong one.

akihonj · 2022-06-04T21:05:06+00:00

Does it get better, yes, no, yes but not in the way you're thinking.

It just sort of goes away, you get to a point where hating her is like walking in front of a bus and expecting others to die.

Eventually you just sort of give it up, you just sort of stop because it's pointless carrying on hating her. It seriously helps if you're getting on with your life. It seriously helps if you're making a good life for yourself, if you're busy and becoming happy, that really does help.

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-06-05T00:18:51+00:00

Holding on to hate is like drinking poison hoping the other person dies.

I'm four years past my divorce. I don't think about my ex aside from how much better my life is without her.

mercybull · 2022-06-04T19:21:43+00:00

Don't let the hate close you off from being happy. Once, I said fuck it and let it go, a new amazing woman showed up in my life. Just heard today from a mutual friend of me and my ex's that she is so unhappy about me being with this new woman. She's the one that filed. Not going to lie, it felt good so maybe all the hate isn't gone. Lol! It gets better bro.

NothingIsEverEnough · 2022-06-04T18:10:33+00:00

The hate is rooted in anger within you. While you can project it onto her, and do so for years, it’s not a healthy strategy. You’ll just grow old, cynical and bitter. Not a very attractive trait in a person.

Your first step is to recognize that the anger is yours. You own it, you’re in control of it and you’re responsible for it. It doesn’t have anything to do with her.

Getting help in therapy may work, IF you’re willing to accept the anger as your responsibility to change.

gardy777 · 2022-06-04T19:47:20+00:00

It’s ok to feel it. Just come tell us about it instead of acting on it. If you act on it, you will lose

LatePhoenix323 · 2022-06-05T00:21:49+00:00

I started thinking of the pain and grief I was feeling as being what it feels like when your infected unhealthy emotional scars heal. Like it was work I had to do, knowing that when I was done life would be good. That gave me a very zen like approach to the pain. I found it helpful to journal everyday. Little by little, day by day I felt less pain and grief. One day I would notice I had 5 minutes where I forgot about the pain. Then an hour, and so on until one day I didn't feel any. It's funny, one day I mentally actually tried to think about stuff to get me sad...poking the wound to see if it really is healed. I said to myself...outloud "I'll be damned, I don't give a fuck" and laughed harder than one should when one is alone.

Paulsbotique314 · 2022-06-05T02:29:37+00:00

It gets better.

Once you are able to learn that there is nothing you can do to change the other person.

Once you are able to forgive her and yourself for the mess your marriage ended up.

Once you are able to see yourself 10, 20, 30 years in the future on the shoulders of the life you chose, you get to choose it right now or anytime, and you rly earn to get there.

I love the touch of four letter words for your ex.

Mine is many and more of those; and I know in 10, 20, 30 years we are going to have so many important shared/forced moments to be at that.

And she can choke when I see her every time.

pegleg_legal · 2022-06-05T06:06:20+00:00

Every moment spent hating on her is a moment lost. Work through the source of your hate and then move the fuck on. I mean if it motivates you to do something good with your life, roll with it. But I doubt that’s the case.

Metallicatica · 2022-06-04T18:10:30+00:00

Occasionally I have a dream here or there or a feeling, but it's almost like the memory of someone else's life. Holding on to all that hate literally only hurts you, no one else. I'm two years out though. I second the therapy thing. And maybe a little look into the Stoic lifestyle might help control your anger and hatred.

saygrace2 · 2022-06-04T19:15:30+00:00

Man I’d sure like to know too. I’m very early in our divorce stage and I still live with her until July but I just can’t help but to despise her with such venom. Just shocking how selfish she is.

KEK0811 · 2022-06-05T01:00:07+00:00

For me, the best I can say is that my feelings for her evolved into basically indifference. Please try to understand that it takes so much energy to continue to hate anyone, it just consumes you and sucks the life out of you. Took me at least 6 months after our final court date for me to wake up to the fact that she was continuing to shit on my life, not because of what she was still doing, but because I was still raging about the past some days. Once I got better at letting it go, my life improved in every way.

upfnothing · 2022-06-05T02:32:33+00:00

No. You just forget they exist.

TZ879 · 2022-06-05T03:13:06+00:00

Yes. You will eventually stop feeling anything for your ex-wife. There will no longer be any anger, love, or hatred towards her. I eventually became what Pink Floyd referred to as, "Comfortably Numb".

xjeeperx · 2022-06-05T11:41:38+00:00

I could move past it, if she didn’t constantly do and say things to piss me off on purpose. She has an entire narrative that she’s fabricated, and likes to randomly bring up things that never happened, I suppose in an attempt to get me to admit to something. Which in and of itself doesn’t bother me, but the fact that she does it in front of my 1 year old is what pisses me off.

I’m sure there are some of her family that believe her, but idk where she even got some of the crazy stuff. And her own daughter (20) that I helped raise from 10 doesn’t believe her, and she told her that I alienated her against her is why she doesn’t believe her.

SkeptiCynical · 2022-06-05T16:14:21+00:00

It gets better when both of you want it to get better.

Rebuild your life and make yourself the focus. Gym, family, work, dating, new skills, hobbies.

Delete and block her from all social media if you haven't already.

My ex is a legitimate borderline sociopath. Our divorce required no less than 4 psychologists, 2 psychiatrists and a forensic psychologist. We're still deep in a custody battle because she's an off-the-wall nutcase.

Nothing takes your mind off the old SO like finding a new SO. I only got past the stress and torment of my ex because I met a much better woman who could take my mind off it all. I highly recommend finding a new woman who checks all the right boxes!

First-Ad-9485 · 2022-06-11T05:10:38+00:00

Going through divorce right now with three little kids and I gave her everything when we got legally separated a year ago to try and make the marriage work. Moved in for a year and she kicked me out for no reason a month ago after verbally agreeing I didn’t have to pay child support, then the day before I move into a new place asked when I was going to pay her. I told that stupid cunt tonight that I hate her and she can die for all I care my life would be better( made sure she wasn’t recording) The thing I’m struggling with right now is my 5 and 7 Yesr old saying I want to go to mommy’s whenever they don’t get there way. I sat down with my son and told him that hurt my feelings then my daughter pulled that shit tonight. Any guys been through a divorce go through this phase with small children. Hoping that one day this overwhelming hatred for her every time I think of her, see her or have to talk to her goes away when I’m finally divorced and have the kids 50-50 and am able to start fresh and afford a new place.

tyyyy110 · 2022-06-04T19:08:01+00:00

15 years later and I absolutely still hate the pos ex! I've moved on but her parenting style with my daughter sucks and has really hurt her imo and stunted her mental growth. At this point I ignore and don't engage her unless it's something of importance about my child.

senbonkagetora · 2022-06-04T19:39:35+00:00

For me yes and no. I dont think about her unless my son is involved or he talks about her. Usually it's about his treatment (or lack of) or some of the things she has said to him about me. In those scenarios my anger comes back in full force, however I keep it in check and try to diffuse/move on. The feeling is there, it is a part of me, and it will pass and I will go back to not thinking about her.

whatskeeping · 2022-06-04T21:49:36+00:00

In order to lose the anger you have to look at it from another perspective and find Forgiveness. Gotta find a way to see what happened and forgive her for her mistakes. She wont give you that but you can see it. Forgiveness is the key to letting go and moving on and being friends or at least friendly.

eyesayhello · 2022-06-04T23:09:03+00:00

I hate my ex with the same passion. And, if she slipped and was hanging from a cliff I wouldn't help her.

Objective-Apple-7830 · 2022-06-05T01:43:57+00:00

This is someone you loved dearly ❤️ with your life at some point. When such resentments come think of the good and wonderful times you shared, the amazing dates, love making etc. Fill the balance with positive energy.

david10277 · 2022-06-05T03:08:02+00:00

No ..fuck her !!! The hate just Plato's and we ride on cruise control

🤣 sorry had to speak for the other side

xadmin1 · 2022-06-05T06:36:24+00:00

Sheesh, hearing these stories make me not wanting to get married. Didn’t you guys see red flags before the marriage? Or did she changes after the marriage or kids?

RxRobb · 2022-06-05T07:06:15+00:00

You got lucky

Lizzydaicon · 2022-06-05T10:28:25+00:00

Dealing with an ex that caused you pain isn’t easy because someone you had deep connections with things went south & that caused a drastic downslide in the relationship

Unable-Protection156 · 2022-06-05T17:12:50+00:00

I think you gotta get to a point where you don’t wish to give any of your day to the ex. A point where “zero fucks” are given wastefully not that you don’t feel anything at the point of the wrong-doing. Like, a missed phone call, you can think that’s how fucked up her behavior is. Then move in with your day accepting the fuckage and refusing to give any extra pain and drama to the situation.

fesanjani703 · 2022-06-08T20:06:18+00:00

It’s more like I hate myself for marrying her.

Suspicious-Pool8082 · 2025-05-23T01:45:22+00:00

Feel this. Preparing for the divorce of my psychopathic multiple personality narcissist soon to be ex of 18 years.The single most resonant thought that keeps me sane is to lose someone like her is no loss at all. I only have to forgive myself for wasting so much of my life on her, but if I think of it as a lesson, like I went to a double doctorate school of how to understand these types of people. And am practically an amateur psychiatrist as a result, it doesn’t sting as bad.

Title	I gotta ask, does it ever get better? The hate for your ex wife?
Author	sublimeonskunk
Upvotes	26
Comments	78
Date	June 4, 2022 5:41 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/v4tvw6/i_gotta_ask_does_it_ever_get_better_the_hate_for/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-gotta-ask-does-it-ever-get-better-the-hate-for.1117246 https://theredarchive.com/post/1117246

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