losing friends ever since accepting FDS values

Keepers12345 · 2022-04-06T14:30:53+00:00

Just because she wanted space from you doesn't mean that you weren't a good friend .

Maybe your words hit her and she has to take them in. It may have felt like victim blaming (dunno).

But maybe what you did for her was the best thing that she needed.

One thing that may help, if you have had weaker boundaries in some way in the past, you could offer comfort and empathy.

Then, instead of saying that she needs to have better boundaries, maybe you can say, "I used to experience XYZ, but then I realized that doing that made me vulnerable to creepy guys (and there are so many creepy guys, so it's not you, but the fact that they choose the easiest prey and attractive prey that they can get). So, what I did was not let any guys buy me drinks. They're going to do that. You can always have a non-alcoholic drink. Also, when you're more drunk, you have no idea if he's going to slip a roofee at some point"

Also, it may help to tell her that she deserves better (you prob did) and these guys are not quality/healthy

Also, it helps to give examples of what a boundary is. I had someone tell me that I needed better boundaries. It's such a vague term.

It didn't feel helpful to say that I needed boundaries (but it did make me want to learn what that means), until someone gave me examples.

I have a right to say "No." Just "no"

I can decide to leave when I'm uncomfortable.

I don't owe anyone an explanation.

I don't have to tell someone where I live (why do so many guys ask? Well... we know. So creepy! I can literally not respond or flip the question back)

...

bananachka · 2022-04-06T13:30:42+00:00

I’ve also grown apart from my closest friend because of the things I’ve learned on FDS.

The most you can do is offer solicited advice and distance yourself from their relationship drama. You can’t force someone to help themselves. And if they don’t want help you shouldn’t push the issue, they’ll just get angry at you.

keep_my_stuff · 2022-04-06T13:53:49+00:00

Seems like she can set boundaries with you but not with men 🤔

Could it be gasp female socialization that presents male validation as the ultimate achievment in life? Could it be male depravity where men take advantage of women and only think about what they can get? Could it be both?

dogfart4 · 2022-04-06T13:59:02+00:00

I lost a friend over this too. Men were treating her like absolute shit. She was sad ALL THE TIME. I gave her similar advice. That she needs to set better boundaries and stop letting men take advantage of her. She got incredibly mean and personal and I ended up cutting her off because of it. All in all, it’s fine because it was a toxic friendship anyway.

LevellingUpTime · 2022-04-06T13:41:31+00:00

She needed to hear those words. She might not have liked it, which is why she asked for space (first boundary though? yay), but from here on she'll be thinking about it. Eventually I'm sure she'll realize you were right and reach out.

SayNad · 2022-04-06T14:00:30+00:00

As an aspiring HVW, what can I do to be a better friend? Should I have said nothing? Should I have defended her?

Think whether or not she is worth still being called a friend from now on. Part of the journey of levelling up is realizing perhaps the friendship you have built until now is filled with toxic people - and perhaps it is time to let go and find new friends.

You can lead the horse to the water, but you can't make it drink it. And ruthlessly enforcing boundaries and standards applies to friendship and social network apart from dating too.

To allow quality people into your life - you first have to declutter your life from the toxic people.

throwaway-fds · 2022-04-06T13:33:40+00:00

You didn't do anything wrong, this is going to happen when you adopt FDS values or any self help values really. Its like growing up in an abusive childhood, receiving therapy and beginning to heal, and realizing how many toxic people are truly around you that will drop like flies.

She asked you for advice, you told her the truth, it's on her to digest that and see what she wants. She can keep getting played if she doesn't like it. 🤷‍♀️

it has happened to all of us.

spinsterchachkies · 2022-04-06T14:32:21+00:00

She needed to hear it. No one has been telling her the truth. These things are so hard for them to hear so they take it out on you. I had a best friend that I was raised with since I was born, she stopped talking to me when I warned her about some dangerous men and their intentions in her social circle. Don’t take it personally. Pickmes always side with men. They will choose a man they met last night over a girl friend they had their whole life. They don’t understand loyalty. Just hope for her, pray she doesn’t get hurt, keep a safe distance, and keep it pushing.

m00n5t0n3 · 2022-04-06T13:43:50+00:00

Hopefully you made it clear that the men in these situations were ASSHOLES and that's WHY she needs more boundaries.

Goodluck<3 space doesn't mean the friendship is over.

electroloop · 2022-04-06T14:10:47+00:00

You are who you surround yourself with. Losing a friend like that is not a total loss since they clearly didn’t respect themselves.

Some women will always pick men over you. That’s just the way it is.

queenofswordsxxx · 2022-04-06T14:36:26+00:00

I lost a friend over a similar situation. The girl met some rando off Hinge and decided it was appropriate to move in with him after 3 months of knowing him.

I tried to warn her and pointed out a shit ton of red flags. Then she got all offended, pulled the ‘My mom has cancer and she likes my new bf’ card, and slow faded me out of her life.

Right now she’s his free chef, cleaner, pet sitter etc.. And on top of that, letting him live at her place FOR FREE.

Pathetic. I’m stepping out and she can learn the lesson herself when she wastes years being a forever girlfriend.

drowsypillowprincess · 2022-04-06T14:59:10+00:00

You cannot lead women to FDS. They have to find it themselves. And often they (we) find it at rock bottom.

The pervasiveness of misogyny is a bitter pill. It’s terrifying and sometimes hopeless. It’s easier to believe the lie that another swipe of mascara and a better push up bra is all we need to make men treat us better.

I’ve had to split my friends into two groups since joining FDS:

Toxic Pickme
Non-toxic Pickme

The first category includes women who’s behaviors and beliefs negatively affect me. Sometimes it’s because of their demand for unconditional emotional labor from me for dangerous and unhealthy behaviors they’re not ready to change (I’m not your Mom, sis). Sometimes it’s because our friendship was founded on the basis of sharing those dangerous and unhealthy behaviors, but post-FDS I can no longer partake (I refuse to go to dive bars, clubs, and shitty parties in garages with cheap beer in red solo cups). Whatever the case, the friendship has become unhealthy to me and cannot continue. It sucks to cut these friends off, but it’s an act of self-care.

The second category includes friends who might have troublesome ideas and unhealthy behavior, but it isn’t negatively affecting my life. They respect my boundaries. They don’t demand I participate. They don’t ask for excessive amounts of emotional labor.

With these friends, I don’t offer relationship “to-do” advice even when they ask. Instead, I focus on building them up. I center their feelings and health in any conversations I have. When you tell a friend her boyfriend is trash and is treating her like shit, she’s going to get defensive. It will not help. So instead I tell her, “I am so sorry you’re going through this. You don’t deserve to feel this way. Love shouldn’t hurt. You deserve a caring partner,” or some combination thereof. The point is to let her know I care about her, so if/when she’s ready to leave she knows I’ll be there without judgment.

So many women stay in shit relationships because they feel they won’t have anyone to turn to if they do leave. And often this is because their friends said, “Hey, your boyfriend is shit,” and they retaliated and defended him (often unkindly). It’s tough to eat crow, and it can feel hypocritical to reach out to those same friends you cut off to be like “Yeah, I was wrong: he was shit.” Pride is a powerful force. No one likes to apologize and admit they were wrong.

I want my non-FDS friends to realize their worth. So, I keep the door open while not sacrificing my boundaries. And I remind myself that—just like me—they must find FDS on their own, when they’re ready.

Best of luck navigating these friendships. It’s not easy.

MsWriteNow07 · 2022-04-06T14:00:06+00:00

Why is this my life? I’ve been experiencing so many issues with this lately, and I too felt like I should’ve just been quiet at first. But first of all, it’s not really fair to you. Even pre-FDS I knew the way my friends were living was insane and I would get drained listening to all of their drama. I mean it’s just rinse and repeat, every week the same thing. And it’s also very tiring because no matter how gently you give the advice, they tend to get offended at the truth and then they want to turn around and come to you for advice about something you already told them was a bad idea! Or the consequences of that bad idea! I made up my mind last week if they want to be offended, that’s their business. They’re not offended at these men who screw them and then don’t call them. They’re not offended by men who haven’t so much as bought them an ice cream cone but who ask for nudes. I’m sure you’re a good friend, and I know I’ve been a damn good friend. I have given generously of time, of energy, of effort, of support. But I refuse to be in a one-sided situation and I also refuse to be the trauma dumping ground for all the things these women aren’t bold enough to say to the guys they let inside their bodies. They are quiet as a mouse to the men, but then want to unleash all of this negative energy either about the guy or about my standards and I don’t have time for it.

CoffeeBeforeAdulty · 2022-04-06T14:01:29+00:00

I have grown out of several friendships over the past few years.

One friend had double standards and was fine making choices (with men) she might regret one day to help her grow? I guess. It seemed hard for her to not see our friendship as competitive. We had a poorly timed talk where she decided to go off on me and put words in my mouth. She never apologized. 🤷‍♀️ So, I stopped talking to her.

Another was always financially anxious in her marriage, she rarely ever told me when anything good happened, but definitely when bad stuff did, and I know she was desperate to have a girl with her husband for whatever reason. I'm sorry, but it was impossible for me to see her relationship and think "What a healthy marriage." Or anything. Idk why she stayed with him, but I couldn't stay in that friendship.

samedinuitmort · 2022-04-06T14:27:20+00:00

Although I pretty much agree to everyone else’s points, I’m wondering if you validated the rapey vibes of your friend’s experiences?

Because what you described her experiencing gave me rapey vibes, and the whole tone here came across a little victim-blaming. Not saying she was necessarily raped, but maybe she felt taken advantage of, and was trying to process that with you, to see whether you blame her (as we as women are socialized to always blame ourselves). She’s responsible for protecting herself, but there are other humans involved in what happened who also share in the responsibility of being decent.

Also, unless there are more details to this story, how is it her fault that she went out dancing and got aggressively flirted with?

We need to have boundaries, of course. And if she continues to engage in risky activities like getting drunk and going home with strange men, she continues putting herself at risk - of being straight up raped or of being taken advantage of in her drunkenness. No one deserves these things, and it’s not right or fair, and it is men’s fault when we get abused, and they are humans too and should be held accountable. It’s not like blaming the ocean for drowning - men CAN make choices too. But they’re, in majority, a menace to women, and so realistically we need to protect ourselves

In an ideal world, a gentleman would not have sex with a drunk woman. This is not an ideal world obviously.

My point is: when we want to help people change their behavior, it might be helpful to first empathize and validate their feelings. And also be accurate when assigning responsibility.

Why was she taken advantage of? Well, because the men felt entitled to it. That is their fault.

How is the question we answer with - because she made herself available and lacked boundaries.

Only you know how your dialogue went, of course, but if I were to give you a suggestion, I’d say to check if you validated her at all before telling her what to do.

Revy_Ur_Engines · 2022-04-06T17:54:45+00:00

Honestly, I would have dropped her a long time ago. I like to surround myself with people who have a similar mindset, common interests, goals etc. I find that women like this will ask for your advice, won't take it but will be back to complain about another guy. They want to hear stuff like it's not your fault and you don't have to change anything. More than anything, it's definitely attention seeking behavior. Obviously she can't control how other men treat her, but she has control over how she reacts. But she wants them to change without having to drop the self destructive habits. Men who are about some shit will avoid her, but shitty men will always seek to take advantage. Anyways you don't get paid to always catch her when she falls. There's no quick fix to her behavior. Change takes time and she has to be ready. If you value your friendship, you can keep your distance and be supportive from afar or you can drop her.

FUBARfromLSA · 2022-04-06T14:16:27+00:00

Sometimes a rejection is God’s protection.

aeorimithros · 2022-04-06T15:09:43+00:00

Someone who's entire self esteem is dependent on external validation (men's primarily, which explains her putting herself at risk like she does) does not take criticism well.

You've triggered her fight or flight and, as a trusted safe person, she's lashed out at you rather than introspect or face the validity of what you've said.

A good friend respects what's asked and gives space.

Now, she asked me for space.

I feel horrible. All I wanted was to help and protect her because I noticed this pattern in her life.

Chasing after her in this situation (especially if that's what she wants) is an emotional manipulation on her part.

maracat1989 · 2022-04-06T15:10:42+00:00

Ive also lost a friend due to this sort of thing. I met her new bf and he was on his phone the whole time and it was really rude. She apologized for him and said he has social anxiety. I asked her why she wanted to be with a guy who has mental problems. She goes “I have mental problems too.” That was enough for me.

4E4ME · 2022-04-06T16:34:00+00:00

"As an aspiring HVW..." You told her the truth. You were a good friend to her.

What she does with the truth is up to her. But you didn't gaslight her, you didn't manipulate her, you didn't dismiss her. You did the right thing.

I think that TV and social media have done us all a disservice, with messages like "we've been friends since 1st Grade and here we are, still hanging out together!!" but never talking about that part where you didn't talk to each other for seven years.

Sometimes people ebb and flow in and out of our lives. The best thing that we can do is carry ourselves with honor, with honesty, and with dignity, and let the chips fall where they may. Sometimes people remove themselves from our lives because they don't think they can live up to our standards. That doesn't mean that we lower our standards. We just keep leading by example. HV people will level up and come back around. If someone doesn't level up, we haven't left their life worse off, and we are not worse off for having known them.

I've been where you are now, and truthfully it did feel lonely for a little while. But then I got busy making new contacts. I still miss those people who backed away because they aren't inherently bad people, just a bit misguided. But my life is significantly calmer and more enjoyable, for not having their chaos in it.

godherselfhasenemies · 2022-04-06T18:24:08+00:00

Strong women with strong boundaries have never been welcome anywhere.

basuragoddess · 2022-04-06T16:52:33+00:00

I think the important part of sharing FDS ideology is acknowledging that men 100% are shitty most of the time, and that what they did in these specific instances were shitty. But, if your friend wants to mitigate the amount of shitty-ness she allows into her life, she has to understand that she DOES allow it and DOES have control over her boundaries and what situations she puts herself in. These situations and men don’t exist in a vacuum, there are very simple ways (per the handbook) to identify LVM before you get wrapped up in a situation with them. The sooner she learns how to identify them, the sooner she will have less negative dating experiences. Even if that means having none for the time being.

irrelevantbitchlol · 2022-04-06T16:51:07+00:00

I’m having problems keeping friends now that i value myself also. Like I’ll try to nicely tell my friends their settling for trash but it doesn’t come off well. The bfs end up taking over and not allowing contact. On the contrary I have talked several of my friends out the stupid loop of “casual sex “

cold_bananas_ · 2022-04-06T20:37:00+00:00

She asked for advice and you gave her your outside view of what’s going on and your opinion. If she’s mad about it let her be mad, but I doubt what you offered was “cruel,” she is probably just having a hard time swallowing what you said. If I ask a friend for advice I want to hear the truth, not sugar coated bs, because that’s not helpful or being a real friend IMO.

ultblue7 · 2022-04-06T16:00:27+00:00

You said that because you care. But also next time someone comes to you, ask if they want you to listen or give advice. Regardless, if what they’re saying weighs on you and disturbs you, I’d like to suggest that you can also tell them that. That you think you’d disagree and you don’t want either of you getting upset so you’d rather forego the topic. You can set your own boundaries for your own mental peace. I’m working on this with multiple relationships in my life right now.

Tharwaum · 2022-04-06T15:15:04+00:00

Not that i would necessarily done this differently but I guess one thing you could have done differently is make a specific suggestion about each situation and let her make the connection that it’s a boundary issue/ general issue about her behaviour/ personality. Most people don’t like general criticism/comments about themselves but can easily take a specific comment like for example a way to make ONE of their dishes better can be helpful while a statement about their cooking like « you cook too fast/salty/etc » is hard to accept depending on the persons character. On the other hand considering her risky choices your « general » criticism could wake her up and even save her life somehow so it’s in her best interest to hear it. The truth hurts.

t3ddi · 2022-04-11T01:10:17+00:00

Friends like you are hard to come by. This isn't your loss. Keep your head up❤️

lostmillenia · 2022-04-06T15:28:51+00:00

Also remember: we are out here! Likeminded women! We can be friends. Just gotta find the other FDS ladies

My bestie had begged me to not go back to my ex. She said she'd leave her husband if i didnt go back with him.

Well i believed he changed when he quit drinking and got back with him.

She didnt talk to me for years. Now she wishes me happy holidays. She's gunna have her baby soon.

I dont think we will be close ever again.

My sponsor would tell me "friends come and go" so i try to appreciate my friendships I do have and enjoy them while it works out.

GAaliyah12 · 2022-04-07T00:31:17+00:00

I had this happen to me. I gave her space then she texted me asking me if I was comfortable limiting our conversations to three times a week.

smoskowi · 2022-04-06T18:03:20+00:00

next time give her the handbook without commentary of what she should be doing

warinmymind94 · 2022-04-07T02:54:06+00:00

You were being a good friend and being honest with her by telling her that it's on her to have boundaries (and higher standards). Casual hookups mixed with being drunk are high risk for stds, unwanted pregnancies, violence, assault and rape. There's even a good chance she got attached to these men after sleeping with them, hence why she's upset and asking you for some advice.

I lost a lot of friendships with women like your friend when I started leveling up. It's been hard. But these women are low value and really can drag you down into their self inflicted emotional Rollercoasters and use you as a free therapist. My friend would so the same getting drunk and hooking up with strangers /OLD creeps at bars then always be crying and questioning why no one loves her, why no guys stick around, why all these others are getting married and why these clowns just use her.... and really it is because she was letting them use her. Nothing of good quality comes out of drunk one night stands. I got tired of her and all the effort I would spend trying to help her set boundaries.

It's a good idea to distance yourself from friends like her and if their pickme/ low value behavior continues you just have to slowly let them go.

Life-Agent-4461 · 2022-07-09T06:51:55+00:00

Wtf is wrong with yall?? Its not her fault its 100% OP he knew he had it and didnt say nothing?!?! Thats bad juju

No-your-mother · 2022-08-24T12:03:04+00:00

Could I speak to the man in charge?

IwantyoualltoBEDAVE · 2022-04-06T20:23:21+00:00

In a way she is exercising her boundaries by testing them on you. Encourage this behaviour

Comments