Never open up about your traumas until you know he's a HVM. Even then, be careful.

NotSoSmartChick · 2021-07-14T20:50:17+00:00

Ladies, I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. Save your trauma for your therapist and maybe your best girlfriend who knows how to keep a secret. As far as the men you date? Your past was sunshine and roses. I tell men my dad treated me like a princess, my late husband treated me like a queen. I set the standard early.

rediitbuju · 2021-07-14T11:53:21+00:00

I have just read a post on a relationship sub, a woman has discovered that her husband's kink was her r*pe. I also read on the same post, how this type of men, frequent trauma subs for their kicks.

I think your trauma need to be reserved for your therapist or other professionals. Let's all keep safe

Mcccy · 2021-07-14T11:12:12+00:00

Just the fact we have to go "She could be your sister/mother/aunt" proves a huge amount of them just don't give a f about women and their struggles tbh

Repulsive-Ad1092 · 2021-07-14T12:19:25+00:00

Ladies, this is also why we should stop sending men paragraphs explaining why they hurt us. They are taking notes on how to hurt other women 😟 fucking psychos

frostedgemstone · 2021-07-14T23:23:49+00:00

My mother taught me this from a very young age as well. Honestly she is the one that pre-set me to FDS ideas bc she taught me men should pay/court, don’t reveal trauma to men, all men are potential r*pists etc. I remember she had told me men weaponize pain against you and this is exactly what I’m coming to understand now. I didn’t get it when I was younger but still listened to her, I am so glad I did

MagnfiqueMaleficent · 2021-07-14T17:07:24+00:00

On a long road trip, I once confided in a new bf something my mother had done to me when I was little. I thought I was just making conversation. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway, at the end of the story, he was sad (or pretended to be, as it turns out) and he promised that he would never, ever, do that thing to me. I told him that I wasn’t telling him for that reason and he didn’t need to promise that and it was merely a memory that popped up that I thought I would share. It’s not like I was unburdening my soul to him.

He insisted that regardless of why I told him, it was a horrible thing to do to someone, he hated that it was done, he could not believe a mother would be so mean and he said “don’t worry. I will never ever do that to you.”

On the last day of our trip, guess what that motherfucker did?

It was no accident. It could not be explained by a misunderstanding. He knew what he was doing and had to plan it. When I pointed out that he swore not to do it, he had an evil smirk and used the same exact words to justify his shit behavior that I had told him my mother used to defend her same shitty behavior years before. Same. Exact. Words.

Confiding pain to a narcissistic male (and most males in the patriarchical US are narcissists. Fight me for saying so.) is merely giving them an instruction manual. Don’t do it.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-07-14T17:11:43+00:00

I find that when you get to a certain level of healing you stop talking about it. That's when you date again. Most men either want to rape you again when they hear you've been raped or they hate you for it or both. At best they have none of those feelings but they still can never ever ever begin to understand what it's like.

CrazyPaine · 2021-07-14T18:29:04+00:00

If they ain't masturbating to your tears, fears, your uncomfort, your anger, exhaustion... etc. I just... My ex was turned on that after we had w argument he would be turned on while I was turned off and looked at him with disgust and like he was fucking stupid after we had an argument. That shit hurts a lot.

pickmieshaexorcist · 2021-07-14T12:18:43+00:00

There’s still some things I won’t tell my husband either. It’s just none of his business and not pertinent to the relationship. There’s personal stuff I’m sure he’s kept to himself as well. He’s also not my therapist or father confessor so why are women compelled to spill every last one of their guts to men like they are purging their sins to make themselves “worthy”? It’s your life and your private business. Like Deb Cooper says, keep your mouth shut.

Muffcakelord · 2021-07-14T12:04:42+00:00

This should be remembered every time someone accuses you of misandry. When we can't get men to understand us, that inevitably means we have to push against men to liberate women. For example; when men can't fathom why women should have bodily autonomy, we have to demand it, meaning men will have to feel oppressed whenever a woman aborts an embryo with part of his DNA. When men can't fathom why women want economic independence, we have to demand it and let men feel oppressed when their free maid leaves them. Demanding equal rights will hurt men because of the imbalance and that's worth it.

Protoetype · 2021-07-14T22:28:34+00:00

All you can really do is demand exactly what you want and if he can't give it to you, there's another guy that will.

And do nothing that you'll regret. If you feel like something was taken from you in hopes that he'll "pay you back" with what you want from him then you're just fucking yourself, how does it feel?

MagnfiqueMaleficent · 2021-07-14T17:11:04+00:00

And if you’re new here and looking for a therapist, part of your vetting process should be to avoid male therapists. They have no idea what it means to be a woman and aren’t programmed to have empathy for us.

complex_answer_22 · 2021-07-14T20:32:54+00:00

They absolutely use our pain against us. The last guy I dated, I made the mistake of confiding in him about a story that really hurt me. We were getting to that point of sharing more intimate stories. I told him about being ghosted right before I had surgery. While it wasn't life threatening, I was still in agony, and really hurt my feelings. It was during Covid and we weren't allowed visitors, and I didn't even have a ride home. I could hear other people talking about how their partners were waiting in the parking lot for them, and it made me tear up that I had no one.

The same damn night, we're going to pick up dessert after dinner and I made a joke teasing him about something. He makes a "joke" back that I better be nice or he'll leave me at the hospital. I just said "that was really fucked up" and he said "yeah it was". No apology, no nothing. I dumped him the next day.

sunset_sunshine30 · 2021-07-14T15:13:53+00:00

So true. I was once dating a complete sociopath (didn't know it at the time). My dad had a health issue and I confided in said sociopath about it. He had a complete volte face and didn't support me or ask after my dad. It still bothers me that I confided so deeply painful and personal an issue to a complete toilet of a human. We broke up very quickly (I found out he had 3 children I had no clue about, as well as a rap sheet as long as football pitch).

But since then I have never confided anything to a man about my family or anything that concerns them. The majority of them are worthless and none of them deserve to know me on an deep level.

Palminator · 2021-07-15T03:38:18+00:00

I told my ex (of 3yrs) that I was experiencing anxiety and depression for the first time due to the Covid quarantine. His response, “Wow…you’re such a burden now. I don’t even want to talk to you anymore”.

My advice is to be vulnerable early to vet them.

I broke up with him immediately after that.

overthinker4444 · 2021-07-15T09:39:04+00:00

Act like the happiest woman till you know that you’re dealing with a HVM. LVM and NVM don’t like it when you act too happy or like yourself a lot in my experience

breadandbunny · 2021-07-14T19:00:18+00:00

Especially if you tell a dude exactly what another one said and did to you, then they sit there and STILL try to give the benefit of the doubt to a bad man. Tf.

Ironsculpture · 2021-07-15T20:36:46+00:00

There's no need for any kind of mutual understanding between women and men. The only allies women need are other women. Speaking with a man on such topics is time wasted that could have been spent talking with a woman.

Title	Never open up about your traumas until you know he's a HVM. Even then, be careful.
Author	Any_Indication_2754
Upvotes	2641
Comments	101
Date	July 14, 2021 11:01 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ok1zwp/never_open_up_about_your_traumas_until_you_know/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/never-open-up-about-your-traumas-until-you-know.791412 https://theredarchive.com/post/791412

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