What've you rediscovered about yourself since being single?

whiskey_and_oreos · 2022-01-21T01:50:15+00:00

It's less a rediscovery than returning home to myself, but younger parts of me reemerged once I felt safe after my divorce and now I sing, dance around my apartment, and have coloring books and kinetic sand and fidget toys around.

I finally have space to question my initial reactions to things and deprogram a lot of traits and reactions I was told I had but don't. I can have Zoom calls with my therapist on the couch rather than hiding in my office with headphones on. My CPTSD is still there but it's never activated at home anymore. Several medical issues cleared up. I can make the same thing for dinner two nights in a row if I'm tweaking a recipe and no one is around to complain. I can listen to the FDS podcast while I'm cleaning. It's strange allowing podcasts or music I'm listening to to fill the room and it makes me feel like I have a right to fill the room rather than make myself small and inconsequential.

It's only been a year since I left but I can't wait to meet the next versions of me.

MadamePotpourri · 2022-01-21T02:17:51+00:00

Since being single I rediscovered the simple fact that I can do whatever the fuck I want to do and anyone who has a problem with that can keep moving.

frogchickenhorse · 2022-01-21T05:22:19+00:00

I’m safer single, I prefer to be single. I can have a shower at 2am without bothering anyone, I can be 3/4 naked and not have anyone saying it’s sexy time. I can go anywhere at any time and spend my money without being questioned. I don’t have to deal with moody selfish men. I can cook what I like. Starfish on bed. No second guessing what anyone is thinking. Read and watch tv without a snarky comment.

jjlew922 · 2022-01-21T01:24:17+00:00

Aweee I love this! I rediscovered I’m a highly sensitive empathic person who deserves the compassion I give to others. I recognized I really do love my time by myself to write, read, contribute to people and spaces that lift me up. I’m better able to spot manipulation and walk away and set really good boundaries and while scary to do it at times I feel really good about it keep at it cause I’m taking care of me! I realized being alone is not lonely at all. That self care is my commitment in life above all else and to no longer say yes when I really feel no. I learned to express my feelings fully, to embrace the trauma of my past, to recognize how my narcissistic parents (both diagnosed by the courts) shaped who I became but not who I am anymore. Life is a journey and it’s fun living it virtually with you ladies 💞

jugularlemonade · 2022-01-21T03:30:22+00:00

I’m not actually mean

vivid_spite · 2022-01-21T02:17:41+00:00

That I'm actually very introverted and conflict avoidant. I thought I was a tiger because they were so passive and would physically run away at a hint of conflict. They'd always gaslight me and tell me I'm crazy or am bullying them (when I continued to talk and push them for an answer before I realized they were giving me the silent treatment). Whenever I did personality tests, I'd get super domineering extroverted types— putting some distance between that made me realize that's not my genuine self. I'm really quiet, shy, and not loud at all in the workplace or with my friends. If you've heard of the "crazy" woman trope, it's usually because there's a narcissistic, cold, and passive guy who's not meeting her needs. You tell any regular person to try to have a conversation with someone actively giving the silent treatment, and they will look overbearing and pushy

Fetia_ · 2022-01-21T01:44:53+00:00

Gosh so much 1) my SA PTSD was not as crippling as I thought, I dated a man that (now looking back) would say things to send me into horrible flash backs than walk me through it so I thought at the time he was helping 2) never went out/Did much that was fun Bc he never wanted to and going without him was a guilt trip 3) CONFIDENCE I was dressing in heavy baggy clothes Bc he was insecure, I love my style, I get stopped all the time to get told I look great/ my outfits are nice I get to enjoy getting ready 4) I proudly say I enjoy my family and the support they give me, he thought it was odd I had a healthy relationship with my dad and my dad pays my CC, he wanted to “support” me instead thank god I had grad no on that one

lvrcalii · 2022-01-21T01:50:52+00:00

I am highly intelligent, kind, successful and smoking hot. I can do anything I want. I feel so free and open to experience life. I vow to never allow anyone to make me forget these things ever again.

galian84 · 2022-01-21T04:46:10+00:00

I love reading all these stories! Warms my cold heart :)

I spent 20 years of my life in one relationship after another, never knowing who I was without a male partner. I was codependent, anxious, always second-guessing myself, always wondering if I was the crazy one.

I left my last (abusive) ex 9 months ago. Since then, I've discovered:

-I actually do enjoy other women's company - well, HVW at least. They're not all crazy, catty or evil witches like some of my exes claimed.

-I rediscovered my love for writing. I didn't have much room for creativity because my mind was always occupied on my exes' wants and what they thought of me. I started writing a new book for the first time in 10 years.

-I also rediscovered my love for reading! I go through 25+ books in a year, whereas with my exes, I was lucky if I could finish 3-4/year.

-That I love learning self-defense. I picked up BJJ a month ago and even though I get my ass whooped on the reg, I enjoy every moment and it's making my confidence skyrocket.

-I am confident and I really do love myself. I love traveling, eating whatever I want, and being on my own schedule. Most of all, I learned that I really am a good, kindhearted person who cares a lot about other people. I no longer have a LVM/NVM sucking away all my precious emotional energy. I'm not needy, clingy, insecure, jealous, a cheater, or any of those horrible things my exes said to me.

Solid-Liquid · 2022-01-21T01:43:44+00:00

That, even thought I’m a homebody, I do like to go out. My ex used to come up with excuses as to why he had to cancel after asking me to go out with him. Now that I reconnected with friends (life just got in the way) we literally hang out every weekend and I don’t feel drained and anxious (maybe cuz my friends ain’t trying to coerce me into sex).

mandoa_sky · 2022-01-21T06:20:17+00:00

starfish sleeping in the middle of summer with the entire mattress to myself is one of the best feelings ever.

Keepers12345 · 2022-01-21T02:33:29+00:00

I have way more time to enjoy life!

creamtart_ · 2022-01-21T08:16:45+00:00

This entire thread is absolutely beautiful. I love that you’ve encouraged a post that focuses on our growth journeys.

I personally have seen so many changes in myself, but the most important one to me is that I will never EVER doubt my gut feeling again. I rediscovered the importance of listening to my body’s internal alarm system.

Geocities_SEO_Expert · 2022-01-21T08:31:17+00:00

I don't have to feel lonely when I'm alone. I don't have to act or dress like a dumb bimbo ever. My mind is clear when I don't fixate on a boyfriend, I have access to a whole deeper pool of creative influence and energy when a boyfriend isn't eating up my mind.

aoi4eg · 2022-01-21T13:10:41+00:00

My general anxiety went from 100 daily to 1-2 on the worst day. I didn't even know before what it's like to not be worried all the time about every little thing.
If I want to go somewhere and it requires booking tickets, I just buy them, no need to make sure there's no schedule conflict or check if he's "in the mood" to even go there.
The only person who asks "Are you really gonna eat this?!" is my inner voice. And yes, I am gonna eat this.
I don't care about my "social media presence".
Don't have to waste my time on twitch streams (can't be bothered to play videogame myself, let alone watch someone play it).
If I feel sad, I can just feel it and don't answer 1000 and 1 questions about "what happened?" and being accused of lying because genuinely nothing happened and I'm not obligated to smile 24/7.
I know my government is shit, but I see no logical reason to "discuss" it every day.

Antique_Fortune6974 · 2022-01-21T06:13:50+00:00

Life is getting better and better as I get older.

missgelassenheit · 2022-01-21T09:34:10+00:00

I finally learned to listen to my instincts and value them. It’s crazy how much we are taught to silence ourselves. Also without a NVMs judgement I can feel free to try new things without criticism. The last guy I was involved with was a photographer and he was mean to me when I decided to buy a camera ahead of a big trip and now I discovered a new hobby that I just love. Another ex of mine controlled how I dressed so I have really enjoyed learning about makeup and fashion since being single as well and I have been able to focus more of my energy on my goals.

avokatze · 2022-01-21T10:05:56+00:00

Like you I used to cry 2-3 times a week because of my ex and thought I was oh so emotional and a crybaby. In over a year since I broke up with him, I cried once (when watching Coco) because there are no scrotes in my life anymore.

surfgreenbabe · 2022-01-21T10:09:28+00:00

I'm so comfortable being single. I can do what I want whenever I want. I can sleep late and wake up late. I can keep my house minimalistic and clean. I don't have to fuss over the hundreds of rituals and festivals. I don't have to talk to or entertain his enabling relatives. I am happy to be here and now.

seadragon6 · 2022-01-21T13:40:28+00:00

I'm not that talkative and can be very private about my inner thoughts. I always felt my partners trying to conquer me or "know me fully," so I would fill silences. When I was younger, I thought it would be lonely to have private thoughts and feelings you don't tell anyone about, but now these parts of myself are my greatest treasure. No more codependency, no more empty words. Just happy silences filled with gratitude for my solitary life.

Elena1684 · 2022-01-21T02:55:23+00:00

Single (3 years now) after a 28 year marriage.

I’m not BPD, bipolar, depressed, anxiety ridden, or an angry crazy woman. I’m calm, witty and I think everything is funny. I get into these laughing fits often and I rarely get angry.

It turns out I’m not helpless (shocking) and can do a lot of things he said I couldn’t. He thought I couldn’t be alone and now I LOVE being single.

My home is messy, loud, no more trying to be a perfect submissive wife. I am free.

ironglaciers · 2022-01-21T11:15:11+00:00

I am more assertive than I thought I was!

candyfox84 · 2022-01-21T16:08:18+00:00

"I'm a super calm and stable person." THIS!! Every bad boyfriend has tried to convince me I was the opposite.

modernmedusaa · 2022-01-21T20:02:54+00:00

The endless benefits which the presence of an average male tends to destroy

Waking up child free and unstressed, after an adequate sleep in my fresh bed…thinking about what breakfast recipe I’m choosing

Not listening to a man snore or being kept up at night due to anxiety over his bs

Knowing all my money goes to me & I can book a random flight at my convenience with no one to answer to , therefore not losing the excitement of life

Knowing I don’t have to nag a male to do the bare minimum with my non existent children

Therefore men cannot use children as an emotional stick to beat me with- neither can they abuse me through the court system or with their new girlfriend

Once they’re gone, well shut of them and they lose all power

Knowing I can do whatever tf I want and talk to whoever I want- which means I do more networking & an more sociable

Bc most men try to aggressively isolate me from having a social life at all & want me stuck with them

Knowing I can enjoy my hobbies without criticism

Not having to get into pointless debates with an insecure narc male

Focusing on home decor that’s to MY taste not having to consider the bland input of a male who thinks his cheap tacky clutter looks cool

Not being expected to pick up the constant shit a man makes whilst smirking in my face, therefore I can tidy at my schedule to my liking - more organised

Not having anxiety whilst cooking bc a male is looking over my shoulder criticising the way I cut a potato & trying to harass me for sex or belittle me

Not having a man constantly trying to make me insecure or pit me against random women - a tedious exercise that never works

Not having to shave or worry about someone judging my leg hair or the most minor flaw

Not having someone constantly zoom in on every feature of mine & comparing it to others when the dude was lucky he got a chance at all

Not being nagged for boring routine sex with a guy who may or may not be cheating & exposing me to STIs

Not having to worry about how a man is humiliating me in private

Not having to wonder whether that glance at the waitress was accidental or was deliberate negging and the start of sociopathic abuse / cheating

(It’s always the second)

Not having to suit the bland repetitive interests of the average male- where they mold me to their liking & try shoe horn me into their boring lifestyles

Not having to constantly look over my shoulder to check he’s not cheating or question why he’s late from work

Or argue with a gaslighting stubborn manchild who is mentally exhausting

Funnily enough I had none of these problems whilst single & felt much more myself

Almost like …most men are a burden.

Even the best men can get clingy, attention seeking and all consuming

So I have an absence of those problems & a clearer head which makes me more productive & feel more healthy

What are the benefits of the average male

He can open a can? Got a can opener

He can do DIY? Most furniture has simple instructions and requires a few tools - can also hire someone

(Also doing simple DIY doesn’t mean you’re valuable, interesting or faithful )

He can give me a child?

So can an adoption centre or laboratory with high quality sperm

Or practically any male who wants sex, which is all of them including very attractive men with good genes

Also I don’t particularly want kids in this economy / pornsick pedo climate

He can ‘protect me’ - what from other men?

To be honest I have more balls than men these days so even that’s void- most are lying cowards

Most men are a higher risk to my health rather than protective

He can give me sex? Got a vibrator that gets me off quicker with no risk of STIs and no emotional abuse

Also dick is abundant and low value - there is always a well endowed athletic skilled male ready to have sex with me, no amount of negging me will change that fact

He gives me compliments? Worthless, most men would compliment a fish if they thought it would put out faster, often still cheating behind your back, causing headaches.

He sometimes pretends to care about my problems so he can get sex? so can a therapist- without rolling their eyes, being abusive or exploiting my vulnerability.

He spends small amounts sometimes? Or sometimes buys me a thoughtful gift? Or sometimes cleans? Yeah anyone can do that to be quite honest & most don’t keep that bare minimum effort up - not worth the bullshit longterm.

Some men don’t want to pay for a first date now and expect a housewife out of it - laughable.

idiosyncraticg1 · 2022-01-21T03:50:44+00:00

How much money I save being single! Lol!

But seriously, I noticed how much other things are going on in my city. Instead of lounging around in bed with a guy for the entire weekend, I can visit my friends in the suburbs, go out for dinner/drinks in the city, go to the club, go shopping, go for a winery, work out, catch up on some work, gift shop for my friends birthday, and visit my parents. I’m more efficient with my time and I get so much done.

DarbyGirl · 2022-01-21T16:28:52+00:00

I sing whatever I want and dance around my house - my pets think I'm crazy but they somehow manage to put up with me :)
I'm not sad all the time. I felt very depressed and lonely in my relationship and that is now lifting
My confidence is coming back. I find myself looking in the mirror more, and putting effort into playing with my hair.
I'm enjoying being able to play video games again. I was given a switch as a gift and I've been having fun playing Lego harry potter and breath of the wild.
I am discovering I am happy being a homebody. Before I was always going somewhere or doing something and almost felt a need to not be home to the point that I ate out a lot and in my car.
I don't feel anxious all the time. I'm not on high alert when someone pulls into the driveway.
I am keeping my house way cleaner than when I lived with my ex. Part of that was severe depression and part of it was "well what's the point, I can't do anything right anyway so I may as well not do anything at all".

ennu_i_sao · 2022-01-21T20:47:39+00:00

One of the main things I noticed is that I cry way less now and I am much less miserable and on-edge. Sure, the pandemic has taken it’s toll and I’m struggling with imposter syndrome and issues in my family, but I don’t cry every night like I used to. I also realized that I deserve to stand up for myself when I’m being put down for no reason. It’s also really freeing to realize I don’t have to plan my whole life around a man and making sure that he advances and has the easiest life possible. I don’t have to let a man exploit me as his personal therapist or nest egg.

IwantyoualltoBEDAVE · 2022-01-22T03:25:14+00:00

I realised I kept dating musicians because I wanted to be a musician. So now I am one

Organic-Cow-8889 · 2022-01-21T02:33:19+00:00

Honestly the mistakes I made with men and with money.

seattle-sushi- · 2022-01-21T02:46:41+00:00

I realized that I have a really good life. I’m successful and I’m happy. I’m surrounded by loving friends and family (though I wish I had more single friends sometimes). I have interests and hobbies that really do fulfill my soul.

Most people don’t add to my life. They take away from it. I’d only get into a relationship again if the person somehow enhanced my life (and I enhanced theirs). I’m so sick of vampires.

mel0kalani89 · 2022-01-21T03:32:32+00:00

I knew my clinical depression wouldn't be solved by sexual and romantic validation. It never seemed to stop me from completely emotionally investing in "completing" my partners in my early 20s. Was always waiting for someone to love me and provide for me the way I would for them. Communicating my emotion needs has been challenging, but I made a concerted effort to get to know and love myself on my own terms. Took myself out on dates and acted the part of the main character, but people almost never approach me. I discovered that I actually like myself and the imaginary worlds I make up, it's not maladaptive daydreaming if your able to get health insurance, advocate for meds and therapy, get a job, hold down the hours. I was really ready to get put and meet people on the world when covid hit. I'm still self sustaining but it is amazing how few people are willing to self reflect to live an honest life in a broken system.

lemonasia · 2022-01-21T04:08:08+00:00

I’ve realized that I very much enjoy being alone and I always want more alone time. I think I’m addicted to solitude. I am always studying and learning about new things and am a very calm, logical and emotionally stable.

I am also passionate, about a lot of things. I’ve thrown myself into feminism, learning Spanish and becoming a better financial modeler (I work in energy finance).

My ex was really emotionally abusive and kept me in a constant state of fear/instability. I didn’t realize until I got away from him that it was actually him causing it and not me. I was trying to help him/fix him and he convinced me that there was something wrong with me.

My relationship with my friends and siblings have improved so much. I also have time to network with people from work, which has been really fulfilling.

RBGs-ghost · 2022-01-21T02:17:12+00:00

My anxiety isn't as much of an issue as I thought it was. Turns out being stuck with LVM/NVM can send your mental health in a death spiral. Now that I'm alone? I feel at peace. I used to always have projects to do as a cope. The anxiety tearing at me could only be forgotten when I had a project. I can be bored now. I can do a project because I want to. I'm more patient with my child. I started to wonder if I was a bad mother because I was snapping more frequently. No. It was just the company I was keeping.

Br0ther-Finger · 2022-01-22T04:10:28+00:00

Even though I’ve been supporting myself and my daughter on my own since I left my ex (don’t worry - I’m keeping receipts) I’ve been able to save money. It was impossible in my marriage because he would run up big bills to keep me tied to him.

Also, my life is so peaceful and I feel so safe. Even when someone comes at me sideways, it doesn’t faze me. It just shows me how extra antagonizing he was to get me so upset.

sikulet · 2022-01-22T14:48:41+00:00

1 thought I had no hobbies.
It’s just that I had wasted so much time in these consuming relationships that there’s no other available time left for me after work. When I decided to be single, I got into a masters program, had a great bump in position at work and I’ve finished a lot of books / movies / music and activities that actually interests me, not being forced to go to all the starwars things that he enjoyed or listening to some obscure artist that no one really cared about outside their niche bordering noise.

Same on the emotional angle. After I got single despite whatever was thrown at me at work I was able to pull through and triumph, nary a tear. But with my ex, it’s monthly like clockwork. Such an emotional drain.
God the angst. I didn’t have to tip toe around feelings anymore. This guy seems to love misery so much that he has calendared even deaths in the extended family and sulks for days leading up to it. So imagine there’s always at least one for every month.

4 no more getting my hopes up and being very heartbroken on trips and plans that he will cancel last minute literally on the day itself. Imagine I didn’t even tolerate people / friends like that but he did it on bdays, anniversaries and Christmas.

5 and effort is only reciprocated when I do but not initiated on his part. No thanks.

Really good riddance.

Throwawaylikehay · 2022-01-22T20:38:20+00:00

I like to talk back when threatened.

I don’t bow down when provoked.

I enjoy my freedom and autonomy.

I am self-made, even though the road to get there was hell.

I been through hell, AND I SURVIVED!

I AM STRONG.

IndividualRoutine661 · 2022-01-23T09:19:36+00:00

Me alone… the ship is stable, I’m not constantly in crisis management mode.

Haven’t cried in months (and even then it was a sad dog story), haven’t had to ask anyone for advice on managing a situation or shitty behaviour of a scrote.

More energy for family and friends *(not managing jealous behaviour and tantrums)

Just a nice calm, fulfilling life.

Bot9813 · 2022-01-21T03:52:45+00:00

Woah almost same situation here!

Def same with the emotional stability. Turns out I don't just cry every day lol. I'm now able to fully grow to my heart's content. I started grad school in water resources engineering. While doing more research, I've decided to stop eating red meat, nuts, dairy, and palm oil (which is also in most cleaning supplies, hygienic care, and makeup so it is not easy). While with my ex I just wasn't eating beef and he gave me so much shit about it, I never would have been able to sustain my current lifestyle. I love female rappers - specifically when they sing about being too good for men. I have more time to read and no one is around to make fun of my book choices. Lastly, I learned that I really, really appreciate my time to myself.

Throwawaylikehay · 2022-01-22T04:08:31+00:00

Wow. What exactly did your ex do to warrant tears and anger? What an asshole.

xfelugirlx · 2022-01-23T01:22:49+00:00

I’m extroverted and i used to carry all the conversations in that relationship. I’m pretty happy most days, i was feeling more anxious and sad because i was with him making me feel bad and not giving me what i needed.

I made new female friends, workout well, est healthy like i always used to. Life is way better

Title	What've you rediscovered about yourself since being single?
Author	divination__
Upvotes	493
Comments	54
Date	January 21, 2022 1:10 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/s8y34s/whatve_you_rediscovered_about_yourself_since/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/whatve-you-rediscovered-about-yourself-since-being.1098477 https://theredarchive.com/post/1098477

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