Do most people settle or just have lowly standards?

wtknight · 2023-12-17T03:55:31+00:00

I don't think that it's settling as much as people "try people out" to see if they will be compatible long-term. Often they are not, but a person sees potential so they figure why not, since the alternative is being alone and without romance or sex.

YouHateTheMost · 2023-12-17T06:07:05+00:00

Even if you’re really outgoing and going out a lot the chances that you’ll meet someone with strong mutual sexual attraction, emotional and moral compatibility and who’s life journey dovetails with yours (who is single and looking to mingle) still seems very slim.

There's your answer. You can settle with somebody who meets all of your dealbreakers and enough of your preferences to make you a happy husband/wife, or you can waste the rest of your life searching for the perfect partner. Many people choose the former; not because they accept the loserdom, but because they find themselves perfectly happy with the partner they got - and isn't that what we all want in life, not having to delay happiness?

Ok_Grapefruit_631 · 2023-12-17T05:12:15+00:00

I think this is a pessimistic view, attraction plays a role for a lot of people or they end up falling for the person not just their looks. Plenty of people have different tastes too. Also there’s people who aren’t shallow and realise people age etc

Cethlinnstooth · 2023-12-17T05:19:10+00:00

Most people get over the unwarranted self importance of adolescence.

boredom4321 · 2023-12-17T06:48:31+00:00

Most sane people have preferences, not requirements when it comes to dating. The reality is if you aren't a raging nutjob who thinks the world revolves around them you care more about how you vibe with a person over whatever fairy tale "ideal" you've imagined in a partner. Everyone has an ideal but you never know who you're going to run into that just so happens to make you crazy. Maybe it works out maybe it doesn't but people who turn down potential partners they seem to actually like over asinine things like "too short" or whatever deserve to be miserable.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-12-17T05:41:25+00:00

The chances of meeting people who you'll like are pretty decent, especially if you're an outgoing person. Finding someone you find attractive, like hanging out with, who has the same values, and who has a lifestyle that will work well with each other is difficult. I'd say most people, especially young people, are happy to try dating someone who they might not know all that much about if they find that person attractive and fun. It can be compromise, sure, but it can also be people not having particularly high standards to begin with. Who I would date at 19 is very different from who I would date at 32, and I've learned a lot of what I like and don't like through dating different people.

CauliflowerElegant76 · 2023-12-17T05:18:27+00:00

Most people who are in relationships don’t settle but they choose someone who’s realistically their equal. Many of the people who are single are trying to date up or have inflated egos, so their expectations are unrealistic. You can’t be a 6 expecting to date a 10.

shestammie · 2023-12-17T04:53:43+00:00

It leads me to conclude that most people either compromise massively most likely from fear of being alone, or don’t ask for much in a partner.

People do genuinely love imperfect people. I’m obsessed with my partner. He’s not a mansion-owning neurosurgeon that looks like Henry Cavill but I don’t believe I’ve settled at all.

And this is normal. So many high dating standards are completely derailed by the fact that you can’t help who you actually like. Which is the same reason so many shit people have relationships. Although society is getting better at cautioning people against wearing rose tinted glasses.

Suzcval · 2023-12-17T06:14:53+00:00

Attraction is important but it's also subjective. You can see 2 average or even below-average looking people and think they're settling, but they normally don't see it that way themselves. Relationships are predicated on how the other person makes us feel, not the way they look.

ItWasBrokenAlready · 2023-12-17T08:57:52+00:00

I think people meeting 300 strangers via OLD and not clicking with anyone is the abberation, not the norm.

Most of people are heterosexual. You put 30 of those in a group setting where they meet often enough and soon you will have some of them pair off, feel lovesick for one another, all that jazz. Cynical people will say 'oh, what were the chances that your perfect soul mate just happened to attend the same highschool'? But from the inside of the hormonal brain it feels just like that.

ArtifactFan65 · 2023-12-17T06:12:12+00:00

I think there are a lot of people who lower their standards because they are desperate for acceptance, money, or children. Also, most people can't think rationally and just fall in love with the first person who gives them any attention. They idealize their partner and ignore all the flaws while the honeymoon period lasts. Many people have low self-esteem and think they don't deserve anyone better, or maybe they are just inexperienced and don't know what they want in a partner yet.

Lift_and_Lurk · 2023-12-17T04:07:43+00:00

What happens is people start to understand what’s really important to them. Is it being happy, or is it bei with someone that impresses others? Is it being with someone you like to be with, or making people you don’t like jealous? Is it about how she treats you or is it about how others think of you when they see your romantic partner. Is it about friendship and fun and values, or is it about winning and mogging and being alpha among men? Is it about how pretty YOU think she is or is of about how petty OTHER people say she is?

Most people come to decide what’s important to them and find someone that makes them happy. Because ultimately YOU are responsible for your own happiness. So when you find that happiness- what other people thinks doesn’t really matter that much anymore

AidsVictim · 2023-12-17T04:22:14+00:00

Most people settle and compromise and that's a not a bad thing. In fact it's necessary to be happy with a partner for the large majority of people. Of course most people don't really think about their partners like that.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-12-17T10:42:05+00:00

Why do you think the chances are slim? There are probably a lot of people who each of us would be compatible with.

Independent-Mail-227 · 2023-12-17T12:13:50+00:00

Women settle, men have lower standards.

SmallSituation6432 · 2023-12-17T08:43:06+00:00

If you can only frame this as "lowering standards" then you failed the test before it even began.

My point being you are thinking of it the wrong way from the beginning. Also, just as a bit of advice, it is never going to go well if you imply you or someone else 'settled' for a 'lower standard' in your/their relationship.

Also, relationships don't end because someone in that relationship, or both people, failed at something. I read through your comments and that's another one you seem to be looking at from completely the wrong angle.

externalsnoo · 2023-12-17T08:59:59+00:00

Most people are desperate for love and attention, so they date the first person that shows them attention. So many of my friends are dating people way below their standards and I don’t understand why they are okay with it. Knowing what you want in a partner and keeping your standards steady requires confidence.

For example, so many people stay in abusive relationships because they think that they can’t find someone better. I have friends who continued dating guys that constantly cheated on them. If you can’t leave a toxic relationship it means that you have zero self respect. Simple as that.

Capital-Literature-9 · 2023-12-17T10:18:23+00:00

I think people today start out with such unrealistic expectations and have a slightly higher opinion of themselves than they really ought to when it comes to finding a partner.

Whether you're a man or woman, I think between the ages of 16 - 25 for a lot of people, they're far too fixated on shallow priorities that they think their partner HAS to have in order for it to work. They're also much more likely to leave and move onto the next the minute a minor issue comes up.

The way I view it is, while yes people are technically "lowering" their standards as they get older or more experienced in dating, their standards were likely set too high to begin with or were conditional on superficial ideas that aren't realistic.

They're now setting their standards at a much more reasonable level.

Planthoe30 · 2023-12-17T13:39:15+00:00

I do think people in general place more value on social connections rather than the quality of those relationships. My friend married a man who had different morals than what she had her entire life. It’s not even that he is a bad person I just wonder if she sees how she compromised her values for their relationship. I do think they had a genuine friendship though but I am worried about her long term happiness as it does seem she rushed to settle down and have kids.

FebruaryEightyNine · 2023-12-17T21:33:37+00:00

Tbh I actually think people are becoming more objective. I think we are all becoming more adept to what makes an adequate partner and what doesn't. It's similar with jobs. Yeah it sucks for juniors, but for more senior professionals, it's becoming easier to determine which workplaces are tolerable and which are toxic shitholes. In one of my roles I've had big time arguments with the manager so much so that it got my contract cut...lo and behold on the company's Glassdoor there are multiple complaints about bullying.

TidyMess123 · 2023-12-17T08:07:30+00:00

No, it’s more that priorities in a partner change, not “settling.” When you’re young, and not fully sure where you will be eventually setting down roots, you’re getting into relationships you know will likely end if y’all move in different directions. Sometimes, you just want company. Some of these relationships end up working out as the life courses of both partners end up matching up and it’s going well. But yeah, at this stage of dating, looks okay more of a role.

However, looks take a back seat to other traits once somebody is certain of where they want to set down roots, their main priorities are seeking the types of personality dynamics they want in a life partner ahead of everything else.

gopher_glitz · 2023-12-17T13:31:46+00:00

This woman had rejected so many guys she liked because she was so preoccupied with height. After turning 30 something she married a guy shorter than her. Of course now she's older and has tons more dating/relationship baggage and his height represents her personal 'failure' to 'win' a guy she always held out for.

Turbulent-Tonight975 · 2023-12-17T13:17:36+00:00

'compromise' usually means meeting the equilibrium. People want what they want but will struggle in dating if they want someome better than themselves because those more desirable people will have more desirable options than the person reaching. This usually sorts itself out by people who are fairly equal in terms of dating value getting together for relationships where looks are similar and barring a situation where one of the people has something to augment their desirability like very high charisma or wealth, it usually comes together as so.

People who use the term 'settling' are usually entitled people who either greatly overesitmate their desirability or just feel that he/she is special and someone is way more desirable than all their metrics and dating history would indicate.

The term 'settling' is usually used by women who have unrealistic expectations of finding someone really good that is not on par with what she herself brings. Most people who think they settled actually got what the dating market values you as. Saying you 'settled' is a way for people to try and maintain their self-esteem and keep the concept of themselves being special and somehow better than the dating market indicated. Its also called having an ego and being too arrogant to accept the truth.

BlackestOfHammers · 2023-12-17T11:31:56+00:00

People with really high standards often fall far below them when looking to date. I think k it’s a mix of fear, used to being spoiled and straight up arrogance to think you can just wait and find the person to your exact specifications. Some of the best parts about interacting with real life, irl people is that most people have vast differences and you get exposed to new shit usually via something you weren’t fully in control of. Many people allow their inner control freak to set up their dating parameters and it’s crazy cuz like why can’t you be that anal about keeping yourself healthy or spending time with your kids? Sorry but this post was kind of dumb and seems like a really young person or a child is OP.

OutdatedBoy104 · 2023-12-17T13:29:07+00:00

Most men end up brainwashed by society's promotion of cuckoldry and settle for sluts.

SecondEldenLord · 2023-12-17T10:53:20+00:00

Men have low standards, women don't, which is why some many of them are single despite having a huge amount of options.

Mentathiel · 2023-12-17T14:32:51+00:00

I think most people don't ask for much (in the way you seem to see it).

I have various standards, and each is like a spectrum.

For example, when it comes to physical attraction. I don't do the number scale, but for the sake of explanation, 10 is clearly better than a 6, but 6 is still hot. I wouldn't feel like I'm settling unless I'm not attracted to someone. Settling would be going for someone I feel completely neutral towards sexually or someone I'm repulsed by. Finding someone I'm attracted to but it's not the 100% perfect dream body doesn't feel like settling at all.

It's similar for moral values. On some things we have to agree completely. I plan to parent without violence and I am not the least bit interested in anyone who is not completely on board with that. But for example, I believe that it's your duty to vote and that you should prioritize doing it, but I don't care that much whether my partner does or doesn't. I am also pro-life, but as a woman I have the luxury of dating pro-choice men because the decision isn't with them anyway.

So like there's a pretty wide range of acceptable options for me which can be better or worse but are all acceptable, some things that are like grey areas if you fall into enough grey areas on multiple fronts I'll be like eeeeh maybe not, and things that are complete deal breakers. I don't think anyone settles for deal breakers. I think people who settle for a lot of grey area stuff are probably a bit desperate. I don't think anyone whose partner falls is into acceptable range on everything settles.

Also, there's one more factor. If you have a lot of beliefs that are not mainstream and there is no subculture or social strata where they're prominent that you can hang out in, you're going to have more trouble than others. If you're a bit of an outlier like that, maybe you're not aware how much the rest of the people have in common almost by default. This will probably apply to any dimension you're an outlier in that we assortatively mate by. EDIT: And multiplicatively shrink your acceptable dating pool as you add those dimensions, unless they're clusters of traits/beliefs often found together.

MidoriEgg · 2023-12-17T15:05:50+00:00

I think some people are just more widely compatible than others.

I find this study on loneliness super interesting; Basically, they showed a group of people different emotional videos. Those who’s brain patterns indicated a different reaction from the rest where more likely to report feeling lonely, regardless of how much social interaction and how many friends they actually had; https://www.news-medical.net/news/20230628/Lonely-people-process-the-world-differently-study-finds.aspx

It resonated with me a lot. I think some people just have a harder time connecting than others.

EmbarrassedClient283 · 2023-12-17T18:03:44+00:00

I believe most women who get married compromise, men to a lesser extent

CryptoThroway8205 · 2023-12-17T19:37:51+00:00

Yes. Fat people find other fat people. I recall they don't find other fat people more attractive they're just usually aware of their own attractiveness.

Neptune-Jnr · 2023-12-17T22:48:04+00:00

I think a better answer is Average people are better than this sub give them credit for.

MasterTeacher123 · 2023-12-18T02:50:57+00:00

Most people end up with the best person they can get. Same thing with employment

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AI_CODE_MONKEY · 2023-12-17T11:51:38+00:00

Gauging by how easily the average ~~person~~ woman seems to find a partner

FTFY

Demasii · 2023-12-17T14:00:47+00:00

What if they had no defined standards to begin with?

I would never been able to write down a list of attributes of what I wanted in a man (other than not a murder). I just wanted someone who I was attracted to. My past relationships and crushes were all of the place in regards to looks and personalities. It's was a holistic process for me.

It's odd that someone would only find another person attractive within a very narrow set of traits. Nothing wrong with it but definitely put a limit on how satisfied they can be.

AnonymousAgapeLove · 2023-12-17T18:44:52+00:00

I got my priorities checked, so I look forward stuff that matters. So now I have higher standards for character, and lower standards for things that don't seem to matter as much.

Something-bothersome · 2023-12-18T00:59:01+00:00

“Even if you are really outgoing and going out a lot the chances that you’ll meet someone with a strong mutual sexual attraction, emotional and moral compatibility and whose life journey dovetails with your (who is single and ready to mingle) seems really slim”.

Seems a big deal when you put it like that, but perhaps consider it a different way.

As a society we have a lot of common social norms and values, we also have a lot of common beliefs and behaviours amongst socioeconomic groups, then a lot of commonalities amongst specific social groups. You may have just stumbled upon why most people seem to partner up with people who largely are around their age, within their socioeconomic group, similar education level, religious background blah blah blah…

So, if you are social and mix readily with people who feel familiar to you, your task is therefore more simple, find someone you like (strong sexual attraction, emotional connection, life journey goals and stuff).

RorschachRosettes · 2023-12-21T01:13:51+00:00

No, the thing that people in these subs fail to realize is that the average person is healthy enough to know the difference between reality and fantasy and in the case of dating/relationships, having ideals vs knowing what's actually attainable.

An example of an ideal, a fantasy: Henry Cavill.

An example of what is actually attainable: My fantastic SO who has me absolutely smitten.

Whenever people like you suggest that the majority of people "settle", what you are actually telling us is that you do not have the ability to differentiate between fantasy and real life, a problem that's likely rooted in piss poor socialization.

Title	Do most people settle or just have lowly standards?
Author	StaticNocturne
Upvotes	21
Comments	95
Date	December 17, 2023 3:52 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/18k8ibb/do_most_people_settle_or_just_have_lowly_standards/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/do-most-people-settle-or-just-have-lowly-standards.1240967 https://theredarchive.com/post/1240967

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