Does the past ever matter?

RadicalAzrael · 2023-04-06T16:31:47+00:00

Long story short knowing my “body count” is 0. I initially figured most women would have more experience than me. But with who mattered more to me than the amount honestly.

If she’s the type that targeted athletes and entertainers such as rappers for example. There was no chance in hell I was going to continue. Even worse if there’s a history of dating felons and drug dealers etc.

I’ve worked too hard to risk it over some broken situationship.

AstronautLoveShack · 2023-04-06T16:43:04+00:00

It depends. Some people make mistakes and learn from them. Other people develop patterns of bad behavior. You need to know which person you are, and also which person you are dealing with. Am I going to fault someone who maybe cheated on their high school girlfriend or boyfriend but has been faithful with subsequent partners and is now in their 30s? Nope. Am I going to fault someone who has cheated on every girlfriend or boyfriend they ever had? Definitely.

Andre27 · 2023-04-06T18:21:04+00:00

The past always matters. All of it. Whether parts of someones past are a dealbreaker/red flag to you or just a neutral fragment of the past is another matter.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-04-06T16:13:17+00:00

Context matters and it also matters if that person has changed their behavior. Say you meet someone who was a giant pot head in their 20s but now they don't smoke or consume weed in any form and haven't done so for years. That person has done something that is a dealbreaker for you but they haven't done it in a while and don't have any intention to doing it at all. To me, that's different from someone who was a giant pot head in their 20s and never stopped.

For me, what determines whether past behavior is a red flag or not is if this person has stopped doing this thing and how they talk about it. If their view of it has changed and they no longer do it, I wouldn't automatically discount that person. And I still have some dealbreakers that are just absolute dealbreakers - abuse of animals, assault, rape, that's an automatic ''no''. The stakes are just too great to afford to be wrong on those kinds of things.

Safinated · 2023-04-06T16:26:55+00:00

Depends on if you personally believe that people can and will change, learn, and adapt

nastyfella · 2023-04-06T16:46:49+00:00

Cheating on a past partner is definitely a red flag

ZeeMark17 · 2023-04-06T16:09:25+00:00

The past always matters. Does that mean said person is exactly the same as their past self, not necessarily. However, you cannot just overlook that person's past entirely.

Most people who claim we should not judge people by their pasts are the people who have sketchy pasts and do not want to face consequences of such pasts.

Decent-Zombie-5513 · 2023-04-06T16:10:38+00:00

It always matters, we as a society hold people to account for their past behaviour all the time. The only people who believe it doesn't matter don't really believe that you will find they contradict themselves on lots of different scenarios for different areas. they just don't want it to matter for their choices.

gymbronyc718 · 2023-04-06T16:49:44+00:00

Of course it does. The question is what do you consider acceptable to you. You can be like every man out there and desperately look for the approval of your peers and only pursue the things that will get you approval OR be your own man and only do the things that make complete sense to you whether they are approved by society or not.

Opening_Pattern_301 · 2023-04-06T16:48:12+00:00

if it doesnt matters for you then more power to you, to me it does, i respect whoever doesnt cares freedom of choice, i expect the same when it comes to me exercising my freedom of choice, the only woman i have ever loved didnt have a past so.

Andre27 · 2023-04-06T18:30:15+00:00

For 4 there is no way to say. It all depends. If something is a dealbreaker for you though dont entertain a relationship just because the rest is perfect. If something isnt a dealbreaker but you dont like it then make a judgement if the good parts outweigh the bad.

And maybe take a look inward and consider how much that part of the past really matters to you. You might find that it really isnt as important to you as you thought. Or you might find that its an even bigger problem than you thought.

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-04-06T20:26:28+00:00

I mean sure, the past says something about every one of us. But have I ever learned something about someone’s past that drastically changed my opinion of them? Not really. Either it really wasn’t a surprise based on their behavior, or they had changed enough it was irrelevant. It’s never “come to bite me later.” Either there were other massive red flags or it didn’t matter.

Acaciduh · 2023-04-06T16:07:53+00:00

Yes and I’m a women saying this. I think there’s some nuance though. As evidenced by the million and one n-count discussions here by and large men care about past partners. I do think the constant catastrophizing they’re going to end up with a super slut with 100 bodies is ridiculous as those women are few and far between and usually are pretty easily known. All of our past shapes who we are, people can change of course but to suggest it doesn’t have some bearing on how we proceed in the future is ridiculous. Personally I think it’s more the behaviors and less the number - with the caveat after a certain number it’s just ick for both genders for a lot people.

None0fYour8usiness · 2023-04-06T16:39:29+00:00

"Once a cheater always a cheater" became a saying for a reason.

KayRay1994 · 2023-04-06T15:51:40+00:00

i think a lot of it is largely contextual and if the person’s concurrences have changed -

Ex. if they’re a chronic cheater then it would matter because it would happen again as the pattern suggests, if they cheated on 1-2 exes then that might be forgivable - or let’s say the person has some serious mental issues (ex. a personality disorder like bpd or npd), then i’d wonder if they did the work to recover or not - cause if they did, then their past actions don’t matter, but if they didn’t then their past actions do matter

LocalDegenerate123 · 2023-04-06T16:42:36+00:00

The "history repeat itself" doesn't only apply to history ya know

Katatonicsnake · 2023-04-06T17:40:38+00:00

Past matters. Not just one time period of that past, though (unless it’s something like murder). It’s insane to judge a whole person based on what they did in high school, if they have changed since then and live a different life. 1. Never. 2. Nothing. 3. How they dealt with it. Did they change? How did they change? How does it affect their daily life? 4. Everything is possible. People must use their own judgment on this. That’s the only way to a happy relationship. Be as fair as you can, have your own standards, let people go if you can’t be with them, but don’t hold it against them.

SecondEldenLord · 2023-04-06T23:02:04+00:00

The past does matter though, it's what defines the present you. And it can help you determine the future of someone you wanna be with for the rest of your life. If a woman wants to be with an ex-convict who was a violent gang member, chances are she will not have a great time with him and he might be violent with her. Doesn't matter how many times he says "I am a changed man", there is still a risk he will snap.

KommandaKoopa · 2023-04-07T00:14:17+00:00

I feel like this largely depends on what they did exactly. And if they have done anything after to rectify it.

jskejrjdhdjdhdj · 2023-04-07T02:22:22+00:00

I'm surprised by how many people acknowledge the problem yet continue the problem. For example stalking.....

ThisBoringLife · 2023-04-06T16:14:07+00:00

Past matters. Past actions can help determine a pattern, in which something can occur. We take those actions in consideration into what it can turn into.

Otherwise, especially taken to the extreme in the opposite way, saying your partner getting drunk and hitting you doesn't matter because that was done yesterday, and the past doesn't matter.

DogwhistleQc · 2023-04-06T18:04:51+00:00

Of course, no men wants to date a hoe

MortalWombat83 · 2023-04-06T18:17:46+00:00

My one and only SO was a cock happy drug addict who had just gone through a divorce..basivally a second hoe phase. many red flags. We lasted 6 years.. no cheating on either part. She was a 7 I was a 4/5. I'd go back in an instant if she would have me..she got clean. I couldn't..we parted ways

januaryphilosopher · 2023-04-06T17:15:27+00:00

Past can matter. It tells us who another person is, what made them that way and what they're likely to do next. However, it's not something that should matter in the sense of being jealous over the past or expecting someone to never change out of some idea that they only act fairly when they always act the same. There are good ways and bad ways to care about the past.

OmoshiroiKudamono · 2023-04-06T18:17:27+00:00

Past matters the MOST to a MAN.

Future matters the MOST to a WOMAN.

But, just because it matters the most to X does NOT mean it does NOT matter to Y. Its just a lesser degree.

A woman with a high BC runs the risk of being an "alpha widow." The man COMMITTING to a high BC runs the risk of being the settleDOWN(grade) man.

A man with a bad job, runs the risk of being a BUM. He won't be able to protect and provide. Sure, the (self proclaimed) career, big, bad, boss, babe, b1tch exists (the "career women" call themselves that, not me). But does the "career woman" REALLY want the "lesser" earning man. Would she TRULY be happy with him? Generally NO. Would she TRULY be happy with a weaker man? Generally NO.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2023-04-06T19:05:30+00:00

if the past predicted the future in the way you guys think, then it would mean no one ever grew and matured from teenager or childhood

DisasterPeace7 · 2023-04-06T17:58:09+00:00

I remember a girl I knew was kind of seriously involved with a guy, until some digging was done and it was found out that he had multiple domestic violence arrests and allegations in his past, seems like pretty crucial information.

But just to answer your questions in a hypothetical scenario I'll just use my own personal experience, so my wife was a virgin when we met so let's say hypothetically she lied about that and not only lied but had even had a promiscuous pass

1) When has not knowing someone's past ever come to bite you later?

That's an L for me, manipulated like a MF lol

2) What would you have done differently?

In this hypothetical I would not have waited for for as long as I did before we had sex, and her having different behaviors with those different experiences might have affected whether I married her or not

3) What determines if past actions are a red flag or not?

Experience, knowing what you're comfortable with and what you want to be around long term

4) Is it worse to possibly risk missing out on a good partner by judging them for their past, or to ignore the past and have something bad happen that could have been avoided?

Depends on what your mentality is, is it worth it to cut across the dark alley where you know people get mugged, robbed and killed on a regular basis but maybe you make it home 10 minutes early, and maybe that day was an exception to the rule to where you made it home safely. Or is it better to take the longer walk through the good neighborhood where bad things only happen a couple times a year and you make it home safely

despisedlove2 · 2023-04-06T18:25:19+00:00

There is never any reason to risk ignoring someone's past.

Helplessadvice · 2023-04-06T18:34:45+00:00

To me the past definitely matters. It’s your past decision and the past is a good indicator of future decisions. So I’m not really one to say “ the past doesn’t matter” it has bitten me in the ass a few times though.

BigVulvaEnergy · 2023-04-06T16:38:48+00:00

I don't think past dating history is an indicator of future romantic relationships.

I think the people most upset by it are young and have virtually no experience.

The data used to push their insecurities is outdated and has shitty research methodology.

DerekMorganBAUxxi · 2023-04-06T18:31:24+00:00

It matters. Depends on the person though. I’ve cheated in the past and most women I’ve dated asked and I said yea I did it I was 21 with options thrown at me. Most understand and don’t care tbh

TurtleDickSlap · 2023-04-06T17:06:23+00:00

Let's flip this, because the people who say that "the past shouldn't matter if you love them" and similar dross are usually women defending body count that resembles a credit score.

Would any woman here date a convicted child molester? If not, why? the past shouldn't matter, right?

nunchuckbitch27 · 2023-04-06T17:06:38+00:00

The past matters it always does it does shape the present. That being said the past matters less as you get older. When you are a teen you don’t have a past yet all you have is future. When you are in your 20s you might have a small past but you are in the present so people in their 20s are really starting to form their pasts. That is why dating at that age sucks because you don’t know if the person has outgrown their past yet or if they want to. Once you get into you 30s it’s easier because you can see at that point where the person is headed if they want to move on from bad decisions or if they are still making them or if they never made any.

So yes the past matters but you have to look at if they learned anything from it, I know plenty of people that had wild 20s but outgrew it and they are in happy marriages now, I also know people that never wanted to give it up and they are single now, I also now people that settled down young and are happily married as well.

I think the red flags to look for would be cheating. In my experience anyone that has a history of cheating they never really outgrow that. I do know people that did it once and really regretted it and never did it again but that is different then chronically cheating. Hookups are another red flag for sure and again if that’s most of your history then it’s a big red flag if it only happened a few times it’s not as bad.

As far as question 4 goes yes I do think there are times you can and should look passed someone’s past so you don’t miss out on a good partner. But it all depends on where they are at in life and how the past shaped them.

twistednormz · 2023-04-06T16:18:54+00:00

A lot of people like to say not to judge by past actions, but isn't the best predictor of future behavior past behavior?

You're talking about the whole "bodycount" thing right?

Look, nobody says not to take past actions into account. Many people would never date someone with a criminal past for example, or a history of cheating. Of course past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour in many cases. But, the problem with the bodycount thing is that redpill guys are taking something that is not bad in any way, not criminal in any way, not immoral in any way and are assigning it as something bad and wrong (only when women do it, but not for men) and claiming that it makes these women into bad partners or somehow causes bad behaviour, even though the woman in question may not have any history of bad behaviour. The idea that women having sex with a variety of different men is wrong comes from patriarchal beliefs which have no place in current society.

MistyMaisel · 2023-04-06T18:19:21+00:00

I think when people sling this quote around, they fail to realize it's a lot more neutral than they're thinking. The past does predict the future, but not in the sense of it being most likely for them to repeat past behaviour. Past behaviour can also predict a future of not doing that behaviour. Babies who touch stoves are the least likely to do it again, why? Cuz it hurt them and burnt them and now they know better.

What you have to look at is how people feel about their pasts. IF they think all their decisions were wildly awesome and they're totally head over heels in love with who they were and wouldn't change a thing, yeah, don't date um. They're probably going to do the thing again.

But that's not how it be for most people. Most of us learn from our mistakes to some degree or recognize a need for change, or while enjoying certain things realize the time for that kind of wild irresponsibility and chaos has passed.

Honestly, I can't think of a time really. I'm sure it happens in like Bluebeard he murdered his 7 wives cases, but, I can say for all the relationships I had that failed, knowing more about their past would not have been a predictive factor.
In my cases, I wouldn't have listened to the words they were saying or trusted them like I did. And I would have trusted who they were showing me they were. And, I guess maybe I would have tried not to have such exploitable daddy issues when I was younger.
Are you able to live with the fact you're with someone who did that stuff in the past. And how do they speak about it now. Do they show remorse or a change of heart or character.
I think it depends on how bad. That's ultimately the question, right? Like are you avoiding a cheater, murderer, rapist, someone who will abuse and mistreat you and your children in really awful ways? I don't think so in the cases of body count discussions. Again, I'm all for holding the above categories accountable and being less willing to trust them or relationship them. Of course. But body count isn't generally about any of that. It's just about men feeling insecure or grossed out (which is fine, that's enough reason not to date someone that you cannot live with the demons it brings out in yourself).

I think it's way more likely you're going to miss out on good adult relationships with people who have made mistakes, developed, matured, and changed than not in a lot of cases. And if you're cool with that, cool. But a lot of the guys here are tormented by not finding a partner or having a partner and also completely ignoring so many options because of this sort of thinking. If you discount people who made mistakes as teenagers and youths, you're going to end up throwing out most babies with the bath water. Because very few people were perfect in their late teens and twenties.

Wide-Illustrator2906 · 2023-04-07T00:50:39+00:00

I dated a girl who lied about her body count and had a guy I worked with brag about fukking her to me.
I wouldn't have been so naive to believe someone just because they say they are telling the truth

3.This depends on the individual person.

4.You are not missing out on anything because this person does not fit your standards.

Ok-Goose7939 · 2023-04-07T03:06:46+00:00

The past undoubtedly matters, because a person's personality was formed at that time. Knowing his past, we understand how he is now (essentially the same).

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ashleyrose56 · 2023-04-06T19:58:23+00:00

The past always matters, but how you handled difficulty and the willingness to change also plays a big role. But there are a few past no go zones like for example: he has been a cheater in most of his relationships, has had any addiction, has DV charges etc. I wouldn't date a man with a past like that no matter how much he claims to have changed.

pm_me_shittymemes · 2023-04-06T20:20:15+00:00

This is my take on the whole “past” thing as a guy with a n count of 1. I see sex and all that as a very intimate and bonding type of thing something real special, and it’s completely fine if other people don’t see it that way and are more free as to who they do that with. I never judge someone for their past, but if we don’t share that same value on sex to some degree then there would be a disconnect and things wouldn’t work out. And that’s totally fine!

If I meet someone with a larger “count” I am more looking at were they serious with that person or not. They can have 5 and me 1, but it’s the context of said past that means more to me.

Peoples red flags in the past are different. Some are ok with knowing their partner cheated before, some not. Someone are cool with ONS and some not. As long as no hypocrisy is going on then all is good.

Heartbreaker34 · 2023-04-06T21:22:02+00:00

Yes, but not always.

CosmicBioHazard · 2023-04-06T21:27:22+00:00

but isn't the best predictor of future behavior past behavior?

Well, I waited until marriage, remained fiercely loyal, and only divorced once she admitted to cheating. Good track record, right? I’m the perfect guy to look for commitment from?

Or… I care(d) so deeply about virginity that I see no difference between N 1 and N 100 so now in the absence of my purity I’m seeking a hoe phase that Im only not having because of social awkwardness and you’ll be fighting an uphill battle to turn me into the committed husband I once was.

I honestly don’t reject the former hoe on the assumption that she’s still a hoe and will cheat; I reject her on the basis that either she’s a single mom and I want my own kids not to raise someone else’s, or more simply that sex isn’t going to be fresh and new for her and if Im marrying her I can’t accept not being able to give her that experience.

‘But Cosmic, you’re not a virgin, isn’t that hypocritical?’

Easy answer is yeah, I’d much prefer to be one myself, but I’m stuck with me; a woman comes along who’s made some mistakes in her past, I’m not stuck with her, only she’s stuck with her.

VehementlyDrawn · 2023-04-06T23:10:00+00:00

When has not knowing someone's past ever come to bite you later?

It hasn't because I'm hyper aware of this stuff

What would you have done differently?

Obviously the high bodycount women, I wouldn't have even given a chance

What determines if past actions are a red flag or not?

Previous cheating, previous promiscuity, previous objectification of men, previous poor treatment of men are all red flags. If she has of these, I would not take a her seriously.

Is it worse to possibly risk missing out on a good partner by judging them for their past, or to ignore the past and have something bad happen that could have been avoided?

I'm sure there are good women with high bodycounts out there who won't cheat or mistreat their partner, I am just not willing to take that risk on my life.

Updawg145 · 2023-04-07T03:34:58+00:00

The past always matters. Human beings are intelligent creatures, and one oft underrated facet of our intelligence is our pattern recognition capabilities. We have an unmatched ability to detect patterns in behaviour, character, ideology, appearance, etc, link them to statistical consequences, and use this to inform future decisions, effectively "hedging our bets". This is why, for example, a human can learn that it's bad idea to cross the road during rush hour, but dogs will blunder into traffic and get killed. Humans realize there is a pattern associated with "large, moving object = danger", and use it to their advantage. Not all large moving objects are dangerous, but often they are, therefore it's intelligent to err on the side of caution and avoid large moving objects. A basic and kind of silly example, but one to illustrate the point nonetheless.

How does this apply to a potential partner's past? Because some behaviours are strongly correlated to other character traits or behaviours. When choosing a partner, someone with whom you may end up spending your entire life with, sharing resources with, and raising children with, you are absolutely going to want to "hedge your bets", to the absolute best of your ability.

If you filter out 9 would-have-been good candidates based on these "biases", that's okay, because chances are the 10th one, the one you end up with, will also be good. It's not perfect and there's still a chance your "angel" 10th candidate might be a dud despite having all the best "flags", but, it's still always better and more intelligent to err on the side of caution and choose a partner who is most statistically likely to be a good, loyal partner.

anon-sucks · 2023-04-07T08:47:13+00:00

If a man cheated in every past relationship, you don’t think that behavior is worth considering?

OptimistInHell · 2023-04-07T20:44:29+00:00

"It depends" as the answer always is. If they're acting sus and you really want to know if there's a reason for it, it could be a difference between staying and leaving.

But if someone is so paranoid about their partner's past or if you're so paranoid about your past insofar you'd ask of the past matters then that's indicative of you requiring therapy.

kochIndustriesRussia · 2023-04-08T15:49:32+00:00

1) everytime 2) run 3) red flags are red, whether they happened 15 years ago or not 4) better to use wisdom and avoid them

Title	Does the past ever matter?
Author	keenenandraz
Upvotes	25
Comments	124
Date	April 6, 2023 3:48 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/12docn9/does_the_past_ever_matter/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/does-the-past-ever-matter.1212909 https://theredarchive.com/post/1212909

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