Why can’t we be friends?

BigZaddyZ3 · 2022-10-28T18:55:51+00:00

Only if they both see each other as equally unattractive tbh. Friendship as a whole is really just a bond or appreciation between two or more people that lacks sexual attraction to each other.

Witchsorcery · 2022-10-28T18:32:25+00:00

Yes, it is possible. Im in a relationship and I have female friends and my gf has male friends, it surely is possible and I know a lot of people who have friends who are the opposite sex.

I know some people like Steve Harvey say that its not possible and that people are friends with the opposite sex only because they have hopes that in the future they might develop feelings and while that does happen, thats not the case for everyone.

whyamiherewhatawaste · 2022-10-29T01:20:37+00:00

No. First I don't believe in men and women friendships. Learned my lesson enough times after being one of the "not like the other girls" in my teens and 20s.

As for the app, this is just another avenue for men with no success in dating to make "friends" to find a girlfriend. See meetups. I went twice. It's all single unattractive men looking for a girlfriend.

IanHawkess · 2022-10-28T18:31:59+00:00

I’ve had LOADS of platonic female friends. I’m pretty emotionally intelligent, and appreciate friends who are as well. I don’t always get that from my male friends tbh.

I’ve no interest in sleeping with any of them. Maybe it’s because I’m a bit older. The world seems to be a strange place according to Reddit. I’m not sure I recognise a lot of the stuff that’s discussed here in the ‘real world’ tbh.

JadedButWicked · 2022-10-28T22:51:00+00:00

Women have lied to me and said they want to be just friends

saraimarsena · 2022-10-28T19:08:32+00:00

I know it’s very possible, but I also completely understand why people in relationships are wary of it. My partner currently started off as “just a friend”, the one I told my ex not to worry about. Subconsciously we developed feelings for each other and that was that.

At the same time though, I have had male friends who were just that, just friends. Not sure if they had hidden feelings for me though and it’s entirely possible that they did.

Also to address your previous point, I find women are much more open to opposite sex friendships than vice versa. I hear men often point out that they feel “there’s nothing in it for them” to be friends with a woman.

a_popful_mail · 2022-10-28T19:11:06+00:00

I think a big reason a lot of those apps don't tend to work is a lot of people don't actually use it for just friends. People will still try to be romantic, just more shady and on the sly with it. Kinda kills the faith you'd have in it.

As for friendship across genders. Why not? My oldest and best friends are all dudes for the most part. I'm still purely platonic best friends with the dude I grew up across the street from. I've got another I've known since middle school who I'm still super close to. He's got a partner, I've got a partner, we still hangout pretty often.

JALopo1 · 2022-10-28T21:00:42+00:00

One or both of the friends will want more
The partners of either friend will become jealous.

These 2 factors kill a lot of male female friendships

HazyMemory7 · 2022-10-28T20:43:55+00:00

I generally avoid close platonic friendships with girls because I don't think most have the maturity for it. In the sense that they will turn the friendship into a pseudo boyfriend sort of thing.

jayval90 · 2022-10-28T22:30:45+00:00

The fundamental problem with this proposition is that there is tremendous overlap (acknowledged or otherwise) between what makes people like each other as friends and what makes people like each other as romantic interests.

The only way that it can really work is if there are very powerful culturally enforced mutual boundaries. And even then, those boundaries will usually directly diminish how deep such a friendship can go.

marxistjokerthe2th · 2022-10-28T23:26:10+00:00

Just being an anecdote Andy it seems that women generally persue friendships with men if they already find the man attractive

Any-Bottle-4910 · 2022-10-28T23:38:53+00:00

I’ve had friends that were pretty hot. I ended up making out with a couple of them, but it didn’t feel right going any further. Just don’t be thirsty about it I guess?

hungrychick404 · 2022-10-28T19:17:02+00:00

I like my friends who are men! They’re great people who I trust and they respect my boundaries.

However, I do think that there are some men out there who would do better to spend time with positive male influences rather than spend time with a group they have some amount of bitterness towards. If you have some weird stereotypes about a group, it might make it difficult for that group to want to befriend you.

mrjolly123 · 2022-10-28T18:37:55+00:00

Of course, providing neither side wants more

januaryphilosopher · 2022-10-28T19:03:22+00:00

Yes, they can. Gender isn't a factor in whether your friendship could end due to jealousy of spending time with other people or time constraints. Attraction doesn't need to end a friendship, and it's not like anyone is able to be attracted to every member of the opposite sex. Most of my friends are male and have been since secondary school, including my best friend. It hasn't been weird as nobody made it weird.

SmarmyPapsmears · 2022-10-28T20:35:25+00:00

I'll be friends with you CrackedAnus

samjeethyde · 2022-10-28T22:34:34+00:00

only if there is no sexual attraction

StarWarsBoi51 · 2022-10-28T22:41:40+00:00

I definitely agree that men and women can be platonic friends so long as both parties find each other unattractive and/or have relationships, otherwise no.

They would be able to be friends but if the sexual desire is there, it stops being platonic

TheCounsellingGamer · 2022-10-29T00:21:22+00:00

My best friend of over 5 years is a man. I've also been in a relationship with my partner for 6 years. I'd walk through fire for both of these men, but the love I have for them is very different. The love for my friend is more along the lines of the love I have for my family. I cherish his presence in my life and I would be devastated should something happen to him, but there's none of that more passionate love that comes from a romantic relationship.

If my partner has a problem with our friendship then he has done a brilliant job of hiding it. Both of them are programmers so they'll have chats about programming languages and other things that make no sense to me. My partner isn't insecure or the jealous type, he also trusts me not to fuck around.

If my friend has feelings for me he's also done a brilliant job of hiding it from me. I'm pretty good at recognising when someone is holding something back (reading unspoken cues is a big part of my job) and he's never given any indication that he likes me in a romantic way. He has said he loves me, but again the love is more of a brother/sister kind of love. We're family and you don't fuck your family.

LotBuilder · 2022-10-29T04:19:56+00:00

It can only work if the man is getting laid elsewhere. If neither side is thirsty you can have a true friendship.

tired_hillbilly · 2022-10-29T06:12:39+00:00

I always catch feelings for female friends. If I find them remotely attractive, I can't really help it. Some of those friendships I blew up by making moves. Others I just let fade away, knowing she wasn't interested in more and being around her was pretty much just teasing me.

I have plenty of friends as it is, so why would I want friends who are just gonna make me feel bad?

_demidevil_ · 2022-10-29T09:54:50+00:00

I disagree with your hypothesis that’s men would love to hang out with women as friends but women don’t want that. We very much do. The issue is that the man usually has hopes that he will get sex.

I have one straight male friend. I don’t know if he hopes for sex. I know I desperately want to be sexually attracted to him but I’m just too gay. He’s missing all the sexy parts (breasts, pussy etc). He’s the only straight male friend I have. Others I had in the past tried to make moves on me.
I’m sure the issue with men and women being friends is rooted in man’s desire to fuck us.

hydrogen_sulfate · 2022-10-29T14:16:04+00:00

I have both male and female friends . I dont see the issue with female friends as long as you both are honest about what you want from the relationship and you seek other women as partners so you won’t develop feelings

gofigure62 · 2022-10-28T18:36:11+00:00

Most of my best friends are male. My closest best friend is male.

In my experience most men have no other interpersonal or intimate relationships at all in their lives. So when women offer genuine emotional/mental intimacy the automatically process that inherit affection as romantic/sexual love, since men are socialized to have zero emotional intelligence. Most men don't see women as "friends" they're incapable of processing the intimacy as anything other than romantic or sexual, then feel used and abused when sex or a relationship isn't awarded to them when they can't handle the platonic intimacy.

And of course there are women that behave this way towards their male friends as well. However, this is an issue that women complain about the most.

There has to be an inherent value of platonic friendship where both parties genuinely value the relationship WITHOUT sex or romance being involved. Most people, especially in western cultures value romantic relationships more than platonic friendships, especially as people have less time and income to spend leisurely.

DerekMorganBAUxx · 2022-10-28T20:52:32+00:00

They’ll use you as a boyfriend but without sex so no

CimZim · 2022-10-28T18:44:03+00:00

My hypothesis is that women would not want to meet with men to be friends.

Umm? Why not?

So what have your friendship experiences been with the opposite sex, and is it even possible for men and women to be “just friends” for any significant length of time?

Ever since 8th grade (I'm 37 now) 98% of my friends have been boys/men. It's kinda what happens when you're a tomboy lol. You just have a bunch more stereotypically masculine interests, and it's way easier to make friends with the opposite sex.

The9thElement · 2022-10-28T18:29:32+00:00

🎶Why can’t we be friends, why can’t we be friends

Apprehensive_Cut_146 · 2022-10-28T19:51:32+00:00

Platonic friendship? No.

DisasterPeace7 · 2022-10-28T18:47:26+00:00

Yes, men and women can be and Stage friends as long as there's absolutely positively no sexual or romantic attraction on either side, that way no feelings get built up, no resentment, whatever the case I always tell guys to not go the friend route with women that they're attracted to, it's not worth it

An exception may be if you've already slept together and that sexual tension is out of the way, that's the boat I'm in with the one woman that I do consider a friend, another exception may be if you're just talking about work friends, if she's putting money in your pocket that can override feelings of lust lol

That made me think of a dating service for people that just want to be friends. I know there are some services out there that have tried this unsuccessfully and I started to wonder why.

I would always laugh when one of my friends was on Tinder and one of the girls profiles would say "I'm not looking for hookups I'm just looking for friends" FOH 😂

dumbbitchcas · 2022-10-28T19:09:21+00:00

Nah we absolutely can. I have more straight male friends than female friends. Guys I’ve known a very long time, who actively date, and have no attraction to me. It’s rlly not that hard.

virtuousgo · 2022-10-28T21:26:07+00:00

There's no lonliness epidemic going on bruh.People like us are very rare.At least 90-95% of people don't struggle when it comes to friendships and relationships.Leave Reddit and go outside

MistyMaisel · 2022-10-28T19:01:28+00:00

My best friend of the last 8 years is a man. My other closest friends are largely men (although, I have two very close female friends that I adore and a handful of other women who I enjoy, but are much older so we aren't quite like friend friends.) Yes, women like being friends with men provided we know it will stay platonic.

bunnakay · 2022-10-28T19:59:22+00:00

I have tons of male friends I'm not attracted to. But I'd never meet a random through an app.

hiddeninthewillow · 2022-10-29T00:00:28+00:00

I feel like this is a really heteronormative issue — I’ve never had any issues being friends with people of any sex or gender identity even though I am attracted to nearly all categories of people (I’m bisexual and have little to no gender preference).

I can just have hot/adorable/engaging friends without wanting to bang them. I don’t have a need to hook up with / pursue everyone I find attractive, physically or emotionally.

This kind of links into the common concern I hear a lot (admittedly this one is less heteronormative, I see this all over the place with far less distinction) that people are uncomfortable with their partners still being friends with their exes. That never made sense to me; I’m 100% understanding that if a person is still VERY intimate/lovingly attached to their ex, that’s not cool if you’re working on a monogamous baseline, but if my ex is just someone I message memes to occasionally on discord or meet up with once every few months for board games/drinks with other friends, I don’t see the issue.

This just seems like an issue of lack of communication/proper boundaries/expectations. When you see the opposite sex purely as potential sexual partners, this becomes an issue. I just see people as people.

SteezMeOut · 2022-10-29T02:37:21+00:00

I'll use a recent friendship I just developed, this woman and I have been hanging out (movies, amusement parks, museums, traveling, and dining out) for about a year.

Our relationship started with us being old coworkers then becoming workout partners. We now hang out outside of the gym and working out. I think she's really attractive and I like her character but she doesn't possess the qualities I want in a partner. The fact that she doesn't tick boxes off my romantic checklist makes me more than ok with being friends and nothing else.

I was told by both her and her friend that she finds me attractive, likes my demeanor, and personality, the problem is I'm just too young for her liking.

She's currently single and dating, and I'm single not dating. We enjoy each other's company and companionship, nothing more nothing less.

cardartbycat · 2022-10-29T04:48:59+00:00

Man, are the straights okay? I'm friends with people of all genders. You talk to the person about it if feelings come up and you move on. I'll only end a friendship over feelings if they aren't respecting my boundaries. I'm part of the queer community, and this idea of "you can't be friends with someone you could possibly be attracted to" is basically nonexistent there. I'm bi/panromantic (mostly homosexual tho ngl) and that doesn't stop me from having friends.

One of my closest friends in the world is someone I hooked up with quite a bit when we first met, and we're still reliable supports for one another now, several years later. That person is a man, and we are perfectly capable of being friends whilst pursuing romantic interests in our lives (we're both in relationships).

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2022-10-29T04:50:33+00:00

Absolutely. I really value the male friendships I have. I think you just have to genuinely be interested in friendship.

KikiYuyu · 2022-10-29T06:53:22+00:00

I really don't see why this question has been asked for decades. Do we all want to bang everyone we meet? Do we hate everyone we meet? No, so obviously there's a whole lot of middle ground.

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wintergreen233 · 2022-10-28T19:41:01+00:00

I have many totally platonic straight male friends, who have all been friends for many years. No issues, no attraction, nobody catching feelings or wanting to date, no jealousy, no problems. A couple of those friends even started off as OLD dates and we mutually agreed ours was a definite friend vibe, so we kept it that way.

So yeah, I don’t know. True, long-lasting platonic relationships between the sexes aren’t rare in my social circles.

HTML_Novice · 2022-10-28T22:15:49+00:00

I have a couple female friends I’m strictly friends with. The caveat is that I’m not attracted. I’ve had hot girls offer to be my friend after rejecting my advances and I usually say “I can’t I find you too attractive we couldn’t be friends”

Carloverguy20 · 2022-10-28T22:51:17+00:00

It's possible to be friends with the opposite gender if you two are mature about it and don't feel the need to sexually or romantically act on your attraction to them.

It's easier to be friends if you two are part of a similar circle, whether it's school, work, clubs, organizations, online communities etc, and if you are in a relationship.

I've had friends that were women before for long periods of time, and they were good people.

I've had good female friends from online groups, school, university and grad courses that I was cool with and I still talk to them sometimes, but mostly I talk to my online female friends mostly now, and some grad school ones. Most of my friends have been of the opposite gender.

I've honestly gotten along better with women than men mostly tbh.

RealAmericanWeasel · 2022-10-29T01:51:45+00:00

I’d be happy to be friends with a female. It takes two to tango, so what I want doesn’t matter.

RocinanteCoffee · 2022-10-29T20:10:34+00:00

Absolutely we can. But, just as in any sort of relationship, compatibility is key.

I have a friend who is a man (well several but this one in particular). Even though I am his type physically and much of my personality is also his type, we remain only friends because politically he is further right than I am and he is only looking for marriage whereas I am looking for something casual. He is not attracted to me because our values would not align and because he knows I am not into relationships generally and primarily look for casual situations.

We still chat sometimes; grab coffee on occasion with our ex coworkers and he has a lot of great qualities. We respect each other as people and companions, we just don't have any romantic interest in one another.

I have a fairly gothy/alt aesthetic so this can be a dealbreaker for some guys who would otherwise want to date me, but we still remain friends; they know I'm the person to come to for music recommendations and concert information, I know that they will help me figure out which "normie" outfit to wear on a job interview.

FlyV89 · 2022-10-31T17:42:23+00:00

I'm a quite good looking, tall and jacked dude who have had quite a lot of relationships and hook ups, I think I qualify for "Chad" in the looks department, and I tell you I've had a lot of estrictly platonic girl friends during my entire life.

I love the intimacy I have with my female friends, the kind of physical conection, their warm personalities, even if it's not sexual, even if sex is off the table, their gentle touch, their soft hands touching my hand or caressing my shoulders and the back of my neck, their fingers going through my hair, their hugs, their kisses, their compliments, their smiles and their voices, and the smell of their skin and hair.

That conection is a hell of a drug, and it happens only with girls I'm friend with.

Why? Because you cannot have that kind of intimacy with any other individual but a female friend, at least if you're a man..

You can't have it with men because, well... I can't cuddle and watch a movie with my bros you know. Even if we were on board with it I mean, lets say my best pal Marky is on board with this shit some day and I'm like, ok whatever lets give it a try...

Imagine if brother walked in my house and I was cuddling in the living room with another dude he would be like "WTF man what's going on with you all".

You can't have that kind of relationships neither with your female relatives

Even if you love your sister and she's a girl right, you can give her a hug and it'll feel conforting, but what if you want more? It would feel akward as shit you know.

Then you have a girl friend, and you want to hug her, kiss her, touch her, cuddle with her or just go grab a beer or a bottle of whisky or wine, drive outside the city and lay in the backseat of your car talking all night about stars, work, relationships, beautiful landscapes and dogs and whatnot...

WHILE she hugs you and try to lock her fingers with yours.

And you realize this is the shit you've been missing with girls your entire life. Yeah, I know it sounds so fucking stupid but I swear this shit is on a whole other level. Like, she's your friend, but also something more, like a girl friend but not with the sex.

It's like a FWB to be precise. But with another benefit which is not sex.

And when you two start fucking, that chemistry goes away, and it doesn't come back anymore.

You can, and hear me well, you ABSOLUTELY can fuck up a friendship with the opposite sex by fucking each other. It happens all the fucking time.

And that's the problem.

Can I be friends with an absolute gorgeous gal I'm sexually attracted to? Yes, absolutely.

But I'm banging other women on the side. If she was my only source of intimacy AND on top of that I was sexually intrested in them, I would feel deeply hurt and frustrated.

Can these girls be friends with me on the other hand?

No. We can be friends, but they won't get to that level of intimacy without getting "other feelings" in between.

That's the hardest part for women I think, in my experience.

For men, it's not being able to fully express their sexuality with a woman they are already emotionally aviable.

For women, a man "sharing" his feelings with other women it's a huge problem, and lets face it, if you are not banging these girl friends of yours, your sex drive will... Drive your emotions to other women too. And my girl friends hate that. They feel "entitled" to all my free time, my intimacy and my secrets.

And they don't say anything if I just don't, but deep down... They get butthurt. And they resent the fact that I'm being sexual with other women, yet they don't want that part of me, so things get messy.

And mind you, we are talking here about grown ass women, not teenagers

So yeah, we can be "friends", absolutely.

But if you allow that friendship to grow in intimacy, emotional closeness, physical conection...

Things are going to get messy.

It's one of the most amazing things that can happen to you, I swear... But other stuff can get in the middle.

Title	Why can’t we be friends?
Author	CrackedAnus
Upvotes	15
Comments	150
Date	October 28, 2022 6:26 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/yfwq66/why_cant_we_be_friends/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-cant-we-be-friends.1137545 https://theredarchive.com/post/1137545

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