Q4W: Is marriage still the dream?

YaKnowEstacado · 2022-07-27T03:16:41+00:00

I've been married nearly 5 years. Marriage was always something I wanted and planned my life around. I didn't fantasize about some big princess wedding or anything (and indeed didn't have a wedding at all), but I never envisioned a life for myself that didn't involve marriage.

therealcosmicnebula · 2022-07-27T02:12:37+00:00

Marriage doesn't harm people.

Marriage is a concept. Intangible.

Choosing wrong. And getting into a relationship with a low integrity, toxic asshole is what harms people.

But it's easier to blame Marriage. Because then you don't have to take responsibility for the fact that you literally chose wrong.

I would like to get married one day. I just want it for legal reasons. So if something should happen to me, my partner has clear power of attorney etc.

However I don't get the fear of being screwed over.

That fear is rooted in lack of trust in yourself. You think you don't presses the skills to pick correctly. So you blame Marriage for being the problem. When the problem is you.

I have no interest in stealing a man's money. If I got divorced, I'd just take the divorce. I'm not a vengeful person. My revenge is removing my loyalty, love and presence from your life forever. Because I don't believe in forgiveness.

I've been screwed over in the past. I took no revenge on any of them. Just never spoke to them again. And I refined my parameters for the people I have in my life.

So whenever people get screwed over in Marriage, it's 100% because they chose some asshole with a shitty character.

Which is why I select for integrity above all else. Any blight to your integrity, and you can fuck off.

I don't care how rich, powerful, good-looking etc you are.

But people will prioritize looks, sex appeal, status, money etc over integrity when choosing a partner. And then wonder how they got screwed.

Because YOU picked them. That's how.

PuzzledSheister69 · 2022-07-27T05:19:15+00:00

Join the marriage sub and see how many women become unhappy for trivial reasons and suggest divorce for any little thing. I think for women a wedding might still be the dream. But an actual marriage with commitment and work, Na. They hate it

GooseneckRoad · 2022-07-27T06:06:21+00:00

A for sure. It's sad that in Western countries, arranged marriage is no longer a thing, because that arrangement is really my dream. It's probably just because I'm very insecure, but I love the idea of getting to know my husband after the commitment has already been made. Dating and advertising yourself are so draining and hollow these days, a relationship is built on more than just sexual attraction and chemistry- it's a decision to stick by someone no matter what.

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2022-07-27T08:16:05+00:00

I married very young, for all the wrong reasons had 2 children got a divorce

Swore I would never do it again, worked hard sorted myself out etc.

Then met a man who changed my life, we married, blended our family, had another child. Life is amazing

But no one man or woman should have children if they do not 100% want them it’s bloody hard work and they are people that you can fuck up if your not very careful

A1Dilettante · 2022-07-27T02:24:12+00:00

D. Marriage is a scam for both parties and it doesn't take a red pill to know that.

cruciod · 2022-07-27T02:32:00+00:00

Somewhere between A and B

I want a marriage and kids and that whole domestic shebang. I would consider my life unfulfilled if I didn't as being a parent is something I've always dreamed of. But I know the career stunt this causes so I don't want to do it until I'm financially stable and can hold my own well despite any time off work I might have to take. I want marriage because it's romantic but I care more for the stability of it in raising my future kids than the actual "being tied down" aspect in relation to the man.

I do think that for me marriage is more of a bucket list item, and if I've done it once and it doesn't work out I don't think I'd want to try it again if there's no kids I'm doing it for. I'd like any marriage I have in the future to work out but I think I could manage if it didn't. I have other things in life I find valuable and fulfilling.

januaryphilosopher · 2022-07-27T08:06:21+00:00

I'm a romantic. I want to get married. I've always dated with the intention of funding a spouse. I like the symbolic element of committing myself to someone for life and the practical element of the government treating my partner and me as a family unit. Marriage as it's traditionally understood for women would be a burden, but I don't have to understand it that way. I'm looking at proposing in a few months.

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GlowingAsItDazzles · 2022-07-27T03:21:16+00:00

I never cared about marriage in my life and ended up engaged once then later married to the love of my life

urbangoth · 2022-07-27T03:47:24+00:00

C.

I'm open to the idea of marriage with my current partner for the bureaucratic reasons. We are both already each other's life insurances beneficiaries. We want to make sure we can be there for each other and want to see if we make it to 5 years together before we start considering marriage as a tangible thing.

Neither of us want children and both sets of our parents are surprisingly supportive and thrilled about that. They seem to think making kids is not a smart move, especially pre 30-35. (I personally think men and women's prime fertility windows are more similar than people here admit. My mom had me at 35 and my sister at 40 and we're both perfectly healthy as is she; just because a man can make a baby at 55 or something doesn't mean his sperm isn't "mutated" from a lifetime lived and epigenetic changes. Everyone's kinda "mutated" and "old" by then.)

We really just wanna get nice paying jobs and go on fancy vacations and live well, unbothered and unburdened. No kids, dual income, travel and adventures together. No rings are even inherently needed for that, it's mostly just in case an accident or something bad happens to one of us and maybe for taxes/health insurance.

Wide_Result9679 · 2022-07-27T04:13:34+00:00

I've never really wanted to be married or have kids. That hasn't changed with age, though I adore my boyfriend.

Marriage just sounds like being tied to someone legally, and I can't leave easily if I want to. Like a trap. I've also heard too many stories of people who change once the knot is tied because now they "have" the other person, though I also know happily married couples.

Marriage was mainly an economic arrangement in the past. The idea of it being for fulfillment and love is a new phenomenon. If it's just for fulfillment and love, I don't need the binding of marriage to enjoy that. And I wouldn't want someone to stay with me simply because it's easier, which marriage seems to encourage. The way my relationship is now, either of us could leave if we were unhappy quite easily, which feels more real than a legal binding that makes leaving hard.

EulenWatcher · 2022-07-27T04:52:06+00:00

I've never seen marriage as a dream nor I dreamed about white dress, wedding cake etc. I was sure I wanted kids, but my initial plan as a teen was to make a good career, date around and have a kid on my own. I had too few examples of good family men growing up and I'm from a single mother household. Plus, my childhood was far happier and calmer than the one of my friends who did have full households, so it's no wonder I wasn't prioritizing marriage or had high hopes for men.

I met my husband early on though, we met when we both were 16. Neither had marriage in plans, we were both too young for that. But what was initially dating for fun and new experience pretty fast turned into "well, I want to spend my life with this person". After a year or so we started living together and after 5 years, when we both finished our education and were making some money, getting married was just the next step that made sense considering our circumstances and future plans. We didn't have the wedding though, because neither wanted it. We got married both due to legal and romantic reasons and instead of spending tremendous amount of money on wedding (and we'd have to due to our Asian background), we had honeymoon in Italy.

Tldr: I didn't view marriage as a priority nor plan to get married, but when I met the right person it made sense to become official.

kalashhhhhhhh · 2022-07-27T07:10:36+00:00

20 F here, yes, I definitely want to get married. It's one of the three main life goals for me personally, along with becoming an attorney and having children.

I want to have an egalitarian marriage, where both partners work and equally divide child-rearing and chores (except for cooking, I love to cook, I'll cook 5/7 days a week!)

Ok_Razzmatazz_1751 · 2022-07-27T07:47:44+00:00

E. Marriage for me is a beautiful thing. Now I'll admit my first marriage was rocky , should of had me running for the hills , but damn I love being the wife I am now with this husband.

The thing about Red pill is by its calculations of marrying young having kids, I should of had it made . Living the life . My experience was the opposite 😅. So Red pill is bologna to me lol

Dapper_Art_8269 · 2022-07-27T08:16:40+00:00

It's C for me.

I'm getting married soon. It happens organically, I never planned my life around marriage, I never focused on being a wife material, I'm not traditional at all except not sleeping around part. I treat marrigr as part of my life, not my goal.

I wouldn't be fulfilled as just a wife, without working on my goals and aspirations.

lalelu2727 · 2022-07-27T09:19:52+00:00

I don’t need a paper to prove my relationship to someone. A marriage does not give you more security, you can still be left and love can fade. I don’t believe that we only have one true love but a variety of possible partners in life and with some we simply share a longer time and with others a shorter.

coconut8265 · 2022-07-27T12:15:17+00:00

A but I am pill less....

QueenofSex1 · 2022-07-27T22:28:40+00:00

D Definitely D.

Marriage does not benefit women unless the man is significantly more wealthy than her. Modern men want women to pay 50% of the bills, rip themselves apart/get C sections birthing babies with little to no maternity leave to recuperate. Do all the emotional labor, child care, cooking and cleaning.

There is absolutely no benefit for a women to be married. Unmarried child free women live easier and happier lives.

Weak women get married because they are afraid to be alone and societal expectations. Marriage and children is just 50% of the bill paying and 100% of childcare/house cleaning drudgery for women.

Think about it if marriage truly benefited women OLD dating apps would be the opposite of what they are now. Men would be getting an avalanche of women pursuing them on dating apps.

Reverse men with women. Men pay 50% of the bills and do 100% of the childcare and housework. Women would be the aggressors and men would just pick the youngest and hottest ones out of 100s and 100s of eager women wanting to date them in hopes of marriage.

Wouldn’t just about anyone want someone to pay half their bills and a free live in domestic servant that does all the childcare and housework? Just come home from work and sit on your ass and be served. All you have to do is work and pay 50% of the bills and everything else is done for you. You don’t even have to bother to think about it… what a bargain!

dottywine · 2022-07-28T01:32:58+00:00

I am C. I have always been C. I never dreamed about my wedding day. And I imaged married life with kids but it wasn’t important to me. It was something I just thought would happen because it was expected. I was imagining it so I can avoid mistakes I have seen others make (ex: marrying bad person, abusing their kids, etc). What I did dream of, though, was finding my true love.

Glad-Discount-4761 · 2022-07-28T11:32:31+00:00

I always wanted marriage,I didn't dream kids with husband,I just dreamed of husband. As a girl,I sometimes used to wear my mom lingerie and thinking it will be great for my mam 😂 lol.

But now,my enthusiasm and hope are gone.I realised I was stupid to dream that.I no longer believes in marriage and prince charming. I remember one guy asked me what my future man will gain from this and I couldn't answer.Hearing man's perspective,my perspective changed Do I dream of it? In some part of my heart,Yes but I am aware they aren't real.

CruelAngelGradThesis · 2022-07-27T02:17:41+00:00

B. I see weddings and marriage as for the church/my family. The dream is building a life with my love.

LiftSushiDallas · 2022-07-27T03:29:03+00:00

E. I never dreamed about marriage and kids. I never wanted either. It was never a childhood fantasy of mine. I knew since I was 6 or so that I never wanted kids. To this day I not once have experienced the so-called "baby rabies" that is supposed to hit women.

I don't hate kids at all. I just don't ever think of them. They aren't interesting to me.

I don't necessarily see marriage and kids as a "burden you are trying to avoid" because I don't have to TRY to avoid these. It's very easy to not accidentally get married and have kids.

I have been in a Living Apart Together relationship for 3.5 years with no plans for cohabitation, marriage or kids. It's pretty easy for me to date and get relationships with my not wanting kids or marriage just being good-looking, fit and pleasant.

wintergreen233 · 2022-07-27T03:05:41+00:00

I never dreamed about marriage at all when I was young, as in my teens. It just wasn’t something I thought about, or that seemed important to me.

Without getting too much into details, for a brief period of time in my early 30s, I did find myself far more interested in the idea. But life changed and the desire eventually faded.

Now, after a few deaths in my family, I no longer care. I realized that a big part of what I had begun to like about the idea of marriage was having a reason to bring all my loved ones together, which almost never happened due to distance. Now that the ones I cared about most are gone, the idea is no longer meaningful in the abstract, and in a way it’s actually sort of painful to think about.

That said, if I did end up in a relationship with the right partner who was interested in marriage, I would and I’m sure it would be wonderful — I’m not against it. But it’s not a goal, or something I make part of my dating criteria, or even think about now.

sabiinvesting · 2022-07-27T04:20:31+00:00

A combination of B and C. It is an experience I might want but only with the right person.

My marriage will involve a prenup however. I'll be using a surrogate, due to how underweight I am being not so good for the baby. Not the best thing for my own body either. Wedding, a small one.

Novadina · 2022-07-27T04:37:03+00:00

Marriage, weddings, or kids have never been a dream of mine, ever. I certainly didn’t dream of it as a kid, I didn’t even get what the point of it was then. And I think I wanted kids but it was mainly like “when I’m a mom I’m not gonna do <fucked up shit my mom did>!”, as an adult the actual desire to have kids many people feel never came to me. The desire for men did though. So now I am married because I have my life commingled with someone and there are benefits we get by making it official. We didn’t have a wedding and we don’t plan on kids.

fellow-cat · 2022-07-27T08:18:49+00:00

I'm between B and C. Marriage is still popular in my country, though.

ProseccoIsLife · 2022-07-27T08:46:31+00:00

I would say I am a strong B - marriage with a proper partner would be of great value to me on an emotional level, I would love to be with this one person and build our future together. Still, it's not something I push for and in case a relationship fall through I will not try to replace it asap so that I can get a wedding, I would probably become a C then.

Financial_Leave4411 · 2022-07-27T09:08:32+00:00

I used to be B but now I’m leaning toward C.

To me it’s always been that a guy is either marriage material or in the friend zone there is no casual in between for romantic relationships. With that being said the more red pill knowledge I gain the less interested I am in romantic relationships with men in general. Red pill men especially seem like a bad bet for marriage as they are unlikely to commit to one women and are overly critical of women. I think no relationship is better than being in a bad relationship.

WillyDonDilly69 · 2022-07-27T09:37:34+00:00

You know that marriage doesn't bring stability but your partner does. Marriage is not some magic wand that makes you raise kids properly it is just a contract. Staying together in the same household raising kids has impact on children not the marriage itself. Like even statistics say that educated people that raise kids together but unmarried is the same as married ones of the same education.

MajorMeVibes · 2022-07-27T09:53:21+00:00

For me marriage is still the dream. I want to find that person that is that is kind of my 2nd half and if it doesn't happen then it doesn't happen so I guess my answer is between a and B. But either way married for me is still the dream to be with a person that I want to grow old with and see the world and do things with and for me I guess that's kind of what I consider marriage now financially in all the stuff being together does not for me consider marriage for me it's a spirit binding thing rather than a financial stability binding thing that most people believe marriage to be.

DXBrigade · 2022-07-27T10:34:03+00:00

C) I never cared about marriage. It has never been a dream of mine. I am not against it either, so if a boyfriend propose to me, I might say yes. That said, I am practical and I think weddings are too expensive (would rather save for a house instead) and I am also shy so saying my vows in public is difficult for me.

Stop_Maximum · 2022-07-27T11:13:02+00:00

I think when I was younger I’ve always wanted to be the rich aunty, the one that has life figured out and spoils her nephew/nieces. Never really dreamed about marriage per se, but definitely love the dressing up with the bride dress etc. To this day I think couples should be aware that spending too much money on the wedding won’t guarantee the marriage. It’s better to be actually ready and to have something meaningful, then maybe do something together or so.

I can’t lie, I am not worried if it didn’t happen, but if it then good. It would have to be worth it for me to really want it tho

coastFI_chaser · 2022-07-27T12:16:32+00:00

Retirement is the dream 100%. I can take or leave marriage tbh. So many perks and peace to being single.

goldhundreddollar · 2022-07-27T12:16:54+00:00

jojo-giraffe · 2022-07-27T13:15:50+00:00

A for me. I’m very traditional in a lot of regards and looking forward to marrying my partner and raising a family someday. In the meantime, we’re both working, going back to school, and I’m pursuing running my own small business, it’s definitely the dream, but I’m not in any particular hurry. Still young enough to enjoy life with just the two of us before settling down.

FineDevelopment00 · 2022-07-27T13:20:59+00:00

While I know about both the male and female versions of TRP I don't believe in them or any other pill ideology. But my answer to your question is definitely A (and after perusing the other comments I'm a little bit surprised to find myself in the vast minority here, lol.) I'm a romantic and as such marriage was always one of my life goals, but at the same time I wasn't about to settle just so I could say I got married and I wasn't otherwise in a utilitarian frame of mind about it (both of which would go entirely against my romantic inclination and values); I wanted to marry Mr. Right, for love. And I did!

Express-Fig-5168 · 2022-07-27T13:26:10+00:00

Between A and B. A because I definitely think about it a lot. B because I try not to put it as a priority. I know it is only a few of us here but I believe in fate, if my fate given to me by The Divine isn't to get married I will have to be okay with that and not force against that fate and end up with bad consequences. I have looked into all the pills for women and most for men. I think I lean a tad more red than blue mainly because it is only the blue pill that has no red components and I agree to varying extents with all of the pills.

gofigure62 · 2022-07-27T14:36:37+00:00

C

I never understood why women wanted to get married and/or have children. It always seemed like a trap to me. And I've rarely seen married women with children genuinely happy. That isn't to say that there aren't happy, healthy, and productive couples. The reality is that the burden always disproportionally impacts the woman in these dynamics, and it's always wildly unequal and the husband is usually just "there" and not an active participant in the household, with the children, or within the marriage itself.

So I never had an interest in marriage or being a mother. I don't want to get married at all, let alone cohabitate.

But if I magically met someone that was perfect for me specifically, I'd consider marrying them. However, I highly doubt that would happen in my lifetime.

Sophiatab · 2022-07-27T15:20:57+00:00

Absolutely, marriage is a blessing.

rurunoa · 2022-07-27T16:04:06+00:00

Im not grown up but i want marriage without kids and no big wedding. (waste of money)

spiritdancer_ · 2022-07-27T16:16:06+00:00

E. I never cared for marriage and I always thought it was an outdated institution. It never made sense to tie myself down to someone when the only thing constant about people is that they will invariably change, and there are some changes that cannot be worked around. Love is a choice and there are many situations where making that choice is not going to be the best decision for you or your partner.

It's funny because I would label myself a romantic, but I suppose I'm just not a hopeless or idealistic one. I think you can enjoy a LTR and still love the person your with, but also recognize when things need to end. I also think this point happens a lot earlier than people would like to admit, and that's why so many relationships end badly. But perhaps I just have a very different idea of love than most people. I'm not a believer in "true love," again because I believe love is something that needs to be built. Basing a LTR on "feeling like your in love" is room for disaster because feelings are always temporal.

Relationship stability exists outside of marriage. You do not need a piece of paper to make a lifelong commitment to someone, and I find the idea of saying so pretty ridiculous when modern times show marriage is anything but lifelong. LTRs can work and I do want one once I'm done with college and I feel like I'm in a better place mentally, but genuinely I think our society puts too much weight on romantic relationships, so much so that we've ignored fostering communal and platonic relationships when those generally last and benefit us for much, much longer. I think such a focus has also lead to many people feeling broken or like social rejects when they can't find a partner.

I think there are definitely social and financial benefits to marriage, which is why marrying someone because you love them is a rather recent societal convention. Even then I would just get the paper work and not go through with a wedding, maybe a small party.

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2022-07-27T16:44:39+00:00

D. I used to dream about my wedding when I was a little kid but realized as I got older I was only party planning. So many women get excited about an engagement and a wedding they forget about the marriage.

Then you see how the sausage is made when you're in wedding parties. The whole brutal affair. It's completely miserable and often a precursor to the marriage.

Being with my partner I am so happy. I don't want to have a wedding. I don't want to be a wife. I'm not religious. I don't want kids. I don't see the point. I wake up every morning and choose him. There is nothing binding us together but love. To me that's pretty fucking romantic.

IcarusKiki · 2022-07-27T17:30:47+00:00

If I find someone compatible sure. Granted I never dreamed of a big wedding because I hate being the center of attention

RealNiceLady · 2022-07-27T18:18:26+00:00

growandappear · 2022-07-27T19:00:14+00:00

A) I hate attention and worry about a wedding. But I think my parents would be sad if I didn't do even a teeny little one

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2022-07-27T20:45:24+00:00

E. The whole fairy tale wedding was never pushed on me. Marriage was never pushed on me. I did however like the idea of having one long term partner and a family, but I was extremely demoralized growing up watching my parent’s dys-fucking-functional marriage. They slept in separate bedrooms for as long as I could remember and would engage in a lot of passive aggression and even drag me into it (something I later learned is called emotional incest). To this day I would say they just tolerate each other. I definitely grew up with the impression that love was like a finite resource within a relationship and when its gone (and it will go) its gone. The end.

My husband on the other hand has parents who still very much love each other and do things together and show affection to one another (and probably still occasionally bone) well into their 50s. He’s the one who brought up marriage early and often to be met with strong reluctance on my part. Though clearly he ground me down. I figured if at least one of us had a healthy example then we maybe had a shot.

WaffleBurner96 · 2022-07-27T22:05:49+00:00

My husband and I lived like a married couple for around 5 years before actually getting married. I was actually 4 months months pregnant on our wedding day. The only reason we actually went through with the legal marriage part was so that he and my step kids could get on my military health insurance plan. Otherwise, we were content as we were.

artemis_witch · 2022-07-27T23:28:22+00:00

marriage was never the dream for me, I always knew it was a scam especially for us women that's why we're socialized since a young age to see it as the main goal of our lives. Luckily it seems things are changing though also cause older women are opening up and being honest about the reality of marriage for us with its dynamics

prettykit1 · 2022-07-27T23:49:42+00:00

D) A burden you are trying to avoid.

This used to be me, for a long time. During the supposed prime years, I totally avoided men. But my case is extreme because I saw so many women in abusive marriages... I mean some of them were literally beat all the way to the hospital. So, obviously, anyone who witnesses that as a kid/teen is not going to seek it out.

Once I realized I wanted partnership, I became in the B camp, then slowly more the A camp.

Now I'm somewhere in-between the first three. I do want to get married, but only to the right man. I'm definitely picky, because I've seen what choosing the wrong man does and also because I have met too many men of low character to even consider those guys. That said, I want the experience of sharing my life with someone and I do believe in being married to someone. It just requires a lot of communication, commitment, loyalty, honesty, kindness, etc. Not exactly easy to find with everyone but it's worth pursuing and that's why I haven't "given up" even though sometimes I feel like giving up.

Ur_man_is_mid_af · 2022-07-28T03:18:46+00:00

okay so...

A)

Absolutely. A happy marriage and eventually children is literally my only goal in life. If I can be a wonderful wife and wonderful mother, I think I will be satisfied.

ClaraBow01 · 2022-07-28T04:34:18+00:00

I fall somewhere between A and B. I am not rushing myself to marriage, but I do want to get married and have a nuclear family.

Title	Q4W: Is marriage still the dream?
Author	gobblegoobleoneofus
Upvotes	12
Comments	84
Date	July 27, 2022 2:06 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/w921qc/q4w_is_marriage_still_the_dream/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-is-marriage-still-the-dream.1125574 https://theredarchive.com/post/1125574

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