I was told by a female colleague that at first sight I’m totally unapproachable

riseaboveagain · 2022-03-06T18:07:41+00:00

My career improved greatly when I adopted a more ice-queen like personality. Quit smiling all the time, quit making chatty small talk, and started walking with my back straight and shoulders square. Started expecting more from others. All the sudden I got far more respect and far less BS.

OP, from my viewpoint, consider yourself lucky and on track for promotions and raises.

maracat1989 · 2022-03-06T18:29:39+00:00

RBF = a woman’s face at rest is offensive. Its offensive if her face isn’t performing femininity

blackmetalbetty · 2022-03-06T14:29:25+00:00

A lot of times, both men AND women who say the 'unapproachable' thing really mean unworkable. Users need to be able to identify who they can "work". They want to identify a person's utility and pliability from afar or upon first meeting. It sounds paranoid or far fetched or whatever, but that's all I interpret when I hear a person say 'she seems stuck up/unapproachable'. You don't want to be cute and amicable to alot of people because they wanna see what boundaries they can push while you determinedly try to stay in this image. Each passing day, I'm growing more into my curmudgeonry and realizing the rampant self servitude that runs through humanity..lol

lolmemberberries · 2022-03-06T13:21:41+00:00

I think it's a good thing if male colleagues are intimidated by you.

I've heard I come off as intimidating or unapproachable, but I've found it was usually by men I didn't want to feel comfortable approaching me. People I vibe with don't see it at all.

calicocoolness · 2022-03-06T13:48:02+00:00

That’s what I realized in college. I used to be a pick me and was butthurt when I never had stories to tell about guys hitting on me. My friends all told me how intimidated they were of me when we first met, and I realized that I unwittingly protected myself. I’m 4’9” so it has to be all in my face lol

makeawomancum · 2022-03-06T12:43:28+00:00

I once found this to be an insult, but now I take it as a compliment because most men who approach us when we try to be friendly or accommodating are not good men any way.

Commercial_Place9807 · 2022-03-06T16:06:43+00:00

In my first “real” job, my boss (who was a woman) would do smiling exercises with me prior to my shift starting everyday.

Now at work if someone says something about my RBF I immediately ask if they’d talk to a man about this issue as well, they always say they would, so then I follow up by saying that I don’t believe that and that I feel this is gendered work harassment, when I say that they lay off of me.

sewingmachinesavior · 2022-03-06T16:24:04+00:00

I don’t have RBF, but there is something about me that makes men afraid to approach me the vast majority of the time, it’s been that way every since I was a teen. By all counts I’m conventionally attractive. I see men look at me often, but approach me? Nah, they scared. 😂 And I don’t need a man who’s afraid. 😅

PenelopePitstop21 · 2022-03-06T15:07:51+00:00

This is me. I have spent my entire life intimidating people.

It was great! Right from childhood through youth (with a slight wobble in my teens/early 20s as I developed my self-identity) and on into a career in STEM. I got respect at college and work (heavily male environments), I was almost never approached by LVM in random situations, I had good friends and boyfriends, traveled the world with my job - often solo - and had so many fantastic experiences.

I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of bad experiences I had - the worst being having my bottom pinched in a city in South Asia. I made sure he regretted it.

And I met a lot of people who exhibited high value behavior, both men and women, because they are the sort of people who aren't easily intimidated. Some of these people are still friends (I am now middle aged).

I think I have been enormously privileged, and much of it stems from being sure of my worth and having an unapproachable demeanor. I wouldn't change it for anything.

Serious_Papaya8615 · 2022-03-06T13:34:07+00:00

This is so commonly said to women but nobody would ever say it to a man

chainsawbobcat · 2022-03-06T13:34:16+00:00

Who is this chick telling you that you suck the air out of the room??

While there may be some truth to that, mostly that kind of feedback is more indicative of insecurities that exist in the person saying it.

Let your character speak for itself. Learn about active listening or conversation skills if you think you should improve. People are self centered, they don't care about you nearly as much as our inner monologue likes to tell us they do. If this chick felt the need to say this, my guess is she is someone who worries a lot about what people think of her.

Sunshine_Daisies2525 · 2022-03-06T16:23:01+00:00

Context is important. Personally, I’ve practiced being more approachable in social settings, and flirting/ making eye contact with men so they get a green light. It’s a skill like any other. But at work this is not where I want to be like that so it doesn’t matter to me as much.

spicyspa · 2022-03-06T16:50:26+00:00

I've always been mostly unapproachable by people. When I was young and rarely had stories of guys hitting on me.

I don't have a resting bitch face but I can stare at a person a long time blankly without blinking. Apparently this is a sign of a psychopath. Lol. Well, if I'm a psychopath I'm a failed one. I just don't have the urge to read havoc on people. The ability to stare without blinking is probably a neurological birth defect of which I have several. Not blinking is bad for the eyes and I don't know I'm not doing it.

This has otherwise ultimately served me well in that it deters the most aggressive assholes. Because once 8 accept a man into my life, I have a hard time asserting boundaries. My therapist is working with me to lower my tolerance to shitty behavior and situations.

IAteTheDragon · 2022-03-06T13:35:30+00:00

I might be a little offended if a colleague told me this, but let's face it: In times like these, being super unapproachable might just save your life. In fact, you don't even know how many creeps you might have already driven away. You're not even rude, so if someone's problem is only your face expression, they were not your real friends anyway🤷🏼‍♀️

Besides, I know genuinely kind hearted ladies with a RBF, they're good trustworthy friends, but not to the entire populace and that's a good thing!

jijitsu-princess · 2022-03-06T19:29:07+00:00

I’ve often been told I was intimidating and needed to smile more. It makes me feel bad. And when I go to clubs with my friends I’m not approached nearly the amount of times they are and yet I’m my own version of beautiful. I smile and laugh with my friends but I also hang back, am quiet and enjoy listening to the conversations around me.

This post has enlightened me. I am not an intimidating person. I am HOWEVER unfuckwithable. And I have a far easier time in life.

dragon_wolf4 · 2022-03-06T14:37:09+00:00

but that first sight, just with my face, I suck the air out the room

that sounds like a mean bitchy thing to say to someone tbh.

She could've said you aren't very approachable at first sight or something more polite. Although, I wonder why she went around telling you her opinion about yourself unsolicited. Sounds like an insecure person.

Also, who wants to be some nice people-pleasing person at first sight anyways, you'll just end up attacting a bunch of creepy people who assume you'd put up with their crap.

BasilGreenEyes · 2022-03-06T12:58:19+00:00

Having a b*tch rest face it's marvelous if you are aware of it and you are a bit conscious of your body. If you are comfortable with the people around you or with any man your smiles would be extremely powerful and would change easily how people see you. That coupled with the resting face, can have everyone on their toes, trying to not displease you.

Embrace it and use it to your advantage.

throhawey123 · 2022-03-06T13:05:28+00:00

I was told this exact same thing by women and men before! But then again i was told by different women and men that they like how i warm up to people. In the end i think i just project that unapproachable energy to people i do not want to approach me, while people i click with don't get that feeling from me.

So for me i put this in the category of "don't accept criticism from people you don't respect enough to take advice from" :)

BxGyrl416 · 2022-03-06T20:04:35+00:00

I notice that being a “threat” or “unapproachable” is almost never even a thing when describing men.

I was very shy in high school and didn’t speak much unless it was to people I already knew or who were outsiders as well. One day a friend of mine mentioned that the girls didn’t really talk to me much because they were intimidated by me. Intimidated how? I never really spoke much, so how is that intimidating? Or maybe that’s the point?

Whenever a woman is in high position at work or in politics, or seems that there are endless critics of her and always some sort of effort to “humanize” or “soften” her so she’s relatable (whatever that means.) If you’re judging me before even having a conversation with me, that sounds like a you problem. I’m not going to be unrealistic and say it doesn’t matter, because women can never just be, but I would take this with a grain of salt.

Determinedblonde · 2022-03-06T12:39:34+00:00

She’s an unpleasant person. She has no right to say that to you.

Being approachable isn’t as good a quality as everyone makes it out to be - it means LVM feel comfortable to approach.

AdmiralRando · 2022-03-06T15:35:03+00:00

Women must always be approachable. What is wrong with you? You don’t want other people making demands of you? /s

edwardianemerald · 2022-03-06T13:58:26+00:00

RBF will save you in dangerous public situations --- evil men will not want to mess with you if you look like you're ready to call the cops at the drop of a hat. I think RBF is valuable to women.

Also don't forget, if you look friendly / approachable, LVM / NVM read that as "being easy". So this can be a no win scenario

jetcake · 2022-03-06T18:46:42+00:00

Whoa, first of all, I think your co-worker is out of line. Is she trying to tell you that you have a "Rest B**ch Face" without telling you that you have one?

Really, men - and some women like your co-worker - tend to stereotype women who are too peppy. You either had too much caffeine or are labeled as a ditz, thus incompetent. Maintaining a sense of seriousness demonstrates your capability as a worker.

Generally I am pleasant, although when I have work that needs my attention, I really don't have time to be this beaming ray of sunshine.

The best examples of when I have tackled this was when I had a customer tell me, "HEY! You're too pretty! Why aren't you SMILING?? SMILE!" Meanwhile, I'm on the phone listening to a customer ask me questions. I smiled, waved, then went back to my call. Another time I was disrupted in a similar manner, yet the phone call concluded quickly. The customer once again addressed me about my lack of emotion and I firmly responded, "This is my face when I am engrossed in my work" and looked back at my paperwork.

Fun_Sherbet · 2022-03-06T20:15:43+00:00

Same boat, and I'm in agreement with the other ladies here who give tend to give off an unfuckwithable energy - as jijitsu princess put it.

Have had a stoic demeanor since I was a little child. I'm also hilarious and great fun, but not everyone gets to know that side of me. It takes a long time for me to open up, and similarly I really cherish the type of person who is a little slower to warm up. It feels more stable and rewarding once they do.

I used to be very bothered that I didn't have as many stories of sexual harassment like my friends. I had a handful, but felt that it was because something was wrong with me that I didn't get approached as much by nasty men. I've gotten 'scary', 'intimidating', 'intense', etc. It used to feel like an insult but now I see it's one of my strongest qualities. Actually, there were a few instances in my younger years where I'd hear from a friend that (insert male here) asked for my number, was planning on asking me out, blah blah, and these men would never succeed. They chickened out and I don't blame them- I would have noped them and probably made a face.

It's telling that so many of us with who are supposedly unapproachable seem to have a form of protection. The creepiest moments with strangers have been when I was visibly upset in public and appearing vulnerable. This is why it's important to keep our walls up until people are approved to enter, ladies.

I can now say i love being a scary woman: discriminating, judgmental, and candid.

fab_pofu · 2022-03-06T23:09:49+00:00

I think you do subtly change your facial expression or project a different vibe depending on your internal thoughts. I used to be approachable and now I’m not. But in the past I used to think random fuckos hitting on me was a compliment, and now I take it as an insult that they have the audacity to interrupt my day and think I’m on their level. Somehow that energy projects outwards I guess?

DameSorciere · 2022-03-06T15:21:59+00:00

I have learned that if anybody has a whisper of misogyny in their heart, they will be intimidated by femininity. Decently styled hair and some makeup scare the SHIT out of people. It's amazing lol

revengeofgivingtree · 2022-03-06T21:00:41+00:00

That's good! Keep doing what you're doing

windowseat4life · 2022-03-07T06:39:14+00:00

Haha yeah I have this issue too. I've had a few close friends over the years tell me that when they first met me I looked like I was going to be a real bitch. I have a good resting bitch face I guess. I'm ok with it though ;)

myheartisfulloflove · 2022-03-07T04:28:15+00:00

Show me your ways. Even trying my absolute hardest to appear or seem unfriendly, I still seem to get scrotes getting friendly with me. I seem to be a huge hit with older married men and it really sucks, especially when I'm trying to work peacefully.

the-worst- · 2022-03-07T01:22:59+00:00

I’m the opposite. I’m so meek and unassuming (and fat) that in most situations I might as well be invisible.

thatshadywitch · 2022-03-07T12:05:08+00:00

I can relate to this! When I was younger I was told I had a "resting bitch face" lmao. Although that didn't save me from catcalling 🙄

daisy_0720 · 2022-03-07T18:59:03+00:00

Women tell me I'm really sweet and men tell me they're scared of me, so I must be doing something right, lol. I guess it has to show in my face whenever I smell LVM energy, because I weigh about 105 pounds soaking wet.

Title	I was told by a female colleague that at first sight I’m totally unapproachable
Author	Sisi21cent
Upvotes	530
Comments	45
Date	March 6, 2022 11:52 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/t7x85e/i_was_told_by_a_female_colleague_that_at_first/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-was-told-by-a-female-colleague-that-at-first.1105420 https://theredarchive.com/post/1105420

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