It's a tough time reading this board

chicken_po_boy · 2023-02-25T15:25:34+00:00

Positive divorce experience here. My ex and I were married for 16 years, 2 kids. We've been divorced for 3 years. EVERYTHING about my life is better now:

- No matter how much I gave in the marriage, it was never enough. I no longer need to try to live up to her impossible standards

- I enjoy coming home now. Home is MY space, it is relaxing, there is no tension. No more walking on eggshells

- I see my kids only 50% of the time, but time with them is more special. I look forward to my time with them. They see I am much happier now. I am a stable parent and I am involved in their lives

- I live in a nice apartment without mounds of clutter. It is decorated how I like things. You will not find any candles or LIVE LAUGH LOVE pillows in my apartment

- I have freedom to do what I want without being judged

- I actually have MORE money now because someone else isn't spending every dime. I am no longer tied to her bad financial decisions. I am debt-free and making steady progress on saving for a house again someday

- My social life has improved, on my 'off weeks' I have more time to hang with friends. I'm 52 but I have friends of all ages... from their 20's through their 60's

- I have time for exercise. I run, cycle, and hit the gym. My physical health has improved and I look better in the mirror.

- I can control what I eat now because I do the grocery shopping

- I have someone in my life who loves me and thinks I'm great

- My sex life has improved dramatically. I had no idea what I was missing all those years.

- Even my relationship with the ex is better. We still help each other out, stuff like dog-sitting, financial advice, etc. We communicate regularly about what's going on in our kids' lives. Our kids see that she and I are cooperative parents and this has made it much easier on them.

Looking back, I was so afraid to get divorced. I was afraid of being lonely and poor, and I was afraid of going through the divorce process. But knowing what I know now, I would have done it much sooner. Live is so much better now.

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2023-02-25T13:26:22+00:00

I think most of us are here because we feel we got screwed over in some fashion. If the divorce was amicable and truly desired by both sides we probably wouldn’t be on Reddit discussing our issues.

CrazySanta7 · 2023-02-25T14:26:19+00:00

What posts are you reading? Lots of 'success'' stories on here. The bad part is trying for equality during the divorce process, which is a bulk of the posts on this sub. Women are incentivized to divorce, even when there is adultry.

The other side is great. i will never get married again. I've learned a lot over the last few years about the female nature in relationships. I don't need the government involved in my relationships. I am not meant to be in a long-term relationship / marriage. Do I date, yes. It can be fun, but it's not my sole focus. I golfed all and went out with friends last weekend, and no one was bithcing about it when i got home. 🙃

CaliDude75 · 2023-02-25T14:11:37+00:00

Do you have kids? I think that’s the biggest difference in my case. No kids, I was the petitioner. My post-divorce life isn’t perfect, and I have times of loneliness, but there’s no turning back. I don’t regret my decision.

I don’t wish my ex ill, but I know I couldn’t continue to be with her. We just had vastly different expectations of what we wanted out of the relationship and our future together.

The last few years of our marriage, I literally dreamed about what it would be like to be living alone again.

47omek · 2023-02-25T14:34:03+00:00

You must be picking and choosing the posts you read looking for loneliness and despair. There's a whole bunch of us here who regularly respond that are perfectly content with their post-divorce lives and consider it a massive improvement from when we were married. Some have moved on to other women and others (smarter ones IMO) have decided that marriage to a modern American woman is fraught with peril and make ourselves and our children the centers of our lives and find great enjoyment from that. Just my $0.02...

Perplexed_pat · 2023-02-25T16:35:01+00:00

My life has improved dramatically. I travel, fully engage with my kids, my hobbies and my career. I earn double what I did at the time of my divorce(2018). I had 80% custody the first 3 years and now have 50/50. Once we get to know ourselves again we look forward to that week alone and then look forward to seeing the kids. It balances out well. I only lost her in the divorce, I kept the house and didn’t have to pay alimony.

I don’t know your back story. My ex wife has mental illness. Life with her was always hard, she is only down, or manic. When she’s manic she becomes a rotten cheating asshole(literally any guy who’ll give her attention), and when she’s down she’s suffocating.

I would not have lived a full life being her husband. So glad I divorced her.

** edit I should say that it took me some time to see things clearly. Initially I was devastated. Therapy helped me to see things clearly. Still going to therapy 5 years later actually

playerknowmore · 2023-02-25T18:44:00+00:00

I wonder if any men in this sub noticed that their wives married you, and are divorcing the man she molded you into? Men don't require happiness in marriage. We survive in contentment. Think of all the times you forfeit your happiness for hers. This path leads to this subreddit.

When you stopped standing up for yourself, she starts to lose respect for you. It took me reminding my wife that I loved her, but I didn't need her; to snap her out of the micro-aggressions and manipulation. I know this sounds selfish, but her thinking we are responsible for her happiness is selfish too.

BosPatriot71 · 2023-02-25T16:17:53+00:00

I filed. I’m the breadwinner. I’m going to be challenged financially.

But I’m so excited to start the next chapter of my life! I feel myself coming back to life after years of dormancy and numbness.

So it’s not all doom and gloom. I wish you well, internet stranger.

glassofwater05 · 2023-02-25T15:37:17+00:00

I don't want to get divorced but my wife does. She can list a ton of reasons why she wants to split, but I think it comes down to one thing: those reasons, and her internal thought process, combined with her inability to communicate her needs, has caused her to no longer want me anymore. There is nothing I can do about that. I think it comes down to something very simple. Aside from infidelity, abuse or substance issues, you should ask yourselves if you still desire each other. If the desire is still there on both sides, go for counseling. If the desire is not mutual, split. Without mutual desire, reconciliation be negotiated desire, and that won't work. The party that lacks desire will view maintaining the marriage as an obligation and may grow to resent the other.

ragingredditir · 2023-02-25T14:41:03+00:00

The divorce experience varies widely due to circumstances.

If you’re a high earner, married 10+ years, to a stay at home mom who is divorcing you because you betrayed her and she is out for vengeance… buckle up.

If you’re married to a woman who works, earns comparable pay, no kids, and you’re divorcing amicably because the marriage is something you both agree is no longer serving your best interests… then it is basically just a break up with court fees.

Most people here fall in category one because they have the most to lose and need the most advice.

Lenten_Sausage · 2023-02-25T18:16:04+00:00

Selection bias. Most people who feel the need to post are going through hell so mostly you see posts from people going through hell.

Zardozki · 2023-02-25T16:44:01+00:00

No idea of your circumstance, but if you’re a high earner, the longer you wait the more you lose. In hindsight, I should have bailed immediately when I realized my ex wasn’t fit to have mine or any kids (thankfully we didn’t have any). Could have saved myself a lot of heartbreak, money, and a few wrinkles.

Gattsama · 2023-02-26T10:41:24+00:00

Everyone has a different experience and life. For me post divorce I have NEVER been more peaceful and stress free. 48y, ex 44y, together 18 years, married 12 years, no kids. She was a stay at home wife, I worked (and a lot). Long story short, she was mentally and emotionally abusive, and I took it for years trying to make us work. I was also simping hard during most of the marriage.

I am 100% happier, safer, more mentally and emotionally balanced after the divorce. Really started with separation. DM me or can read my old posts for more info. But I am now only working to create a better life for myself. I started skiing again (15 year break), bought another motorcycle (17 year break), flying more (private pilot), more enjoyable trips (home, to see family and Asia x2), dating a new girl is that 100% no sane and no drama. More intimacy and genuine affection / desire.

I had to give up a ton of money. But I can always make more money, I can't create more time. And my health is so much better (full disclosure I do have some trouble staying asleep since I filed, slowly getting better).

As for the posts in this group... Look at this way, you control how happy you are in life. There are horror stories out there, but some of those guys are truly happy. And there are guys that she just left, and no major drama, but he's suicidal because that was his world.

For the record in my case, we had a $1.4M home in the Seattle area, I make about $450-500k/yr, we traveled the world, and have all the services. After the divorce I'm worth about $30k :) See didn't work, I did, so long story short she got 50% of everything + spousal support, I count the spousal support as a lum sum negative debt. I make great money and will earn it all back quickly, and because I don't have to support another human being and downsized my life; I can save more. I calculate not being married will save me ~$180k/yr (that's total package, not how much she spent; ie health care, smaller home, fewer pets, food, travel, etc).

No one can tell you what to do. But do not let someone else's life or story, be a reason for you not to live your own. No disrespect but that sounds like a justification and cowardice. You can't make moves or live life in fear. No promises about the future, you create your own life and happiness, whatever comes. OR, stick to the safety of what you know, no risks, and accept it.

The strong do what they most, and the weak learn to accept what they most...

LonelyNC123 · 2023-02-26T12:01:55+00:00

If you have children I think you need to try really hard to stay married - counseling, marriage workshops, etc. If no children and you are unhappy, leave.

Gravel-Road-99 · 2023-02-25T19:50:44+00:00

Remember that statistically, it’s mostly women that initiate divorce, meaning a lot of the guys here are caught off guard if they haven’t been paying attention to their spouse and actually listening to them. Plus men tend to get the short end of the stick financially thanks to outdated laws. That probably accounts for a lot of the bitterness here,so do keep the proper perspective.

Personally I’m only a couple months into the process, but I left due to abuse and neglect, and I’ve been happier and at peace more than I have in many years. Maybe I’ll feel differently in a few months or years, but probably not. Take that for what it’s worth.

Divorce isn’t the only option you have, but sometimes it’s one that makes sense and will ultimately work best. I’d been miserable for probably 6-7 years, tried everything to make it work, and reached a point where my options were “till death do us part” or divorce. So I chose the better option.

Different_Weekend817 · 2023-02-25T19:50:16+00:00

My wife and I are on the outs, and I don't know if we will survive as a couple

how long have you been thinking this won't survive and what have you done to preserve your marriage? i am not divorced but i used to advise clients on divorce proceedings and i know it can be an expensive choice in more than one way. if you think you've done everything to save your marriage then maybe consider a trial separation?

1Cobbler · 2023-02-25T20:06:05+00:00

https://youtu.be/otguwCKlGtI

Objective_Problem_90 · 2023-02-25T20:17:49+00:00

It really just depends as each situation is different. Some women still have some compassion for the guy and truly want the best for all parties. Other women are narcissistic and vindictive and do every trick in the book to make him miserable, even after the divorce. I hate seeing those stories of guys being put thru the ringer like that, because I know from experience.

PrettyCoolBear · 2023-02-25T20:42:01+00:00

When we first separated (at my request) and eventually divorced it was brutal both financially and emotionally. I was desperately lonely, cried whenever my kids had to go back to their mom's, etc. But i am financially better off now (wife is now limited to the spousal support payments and can't run up $3000 in extra monthly credit card payments anymore; i used to have to cash out stocks in order to pay the bills). And I recently met the best woman I have ever known. Plus my older son is with me full time now and i am closer to my daughter than i've ever been. If i had stayed in that marriage we all would have been miserable (except my ex who was living the high life at my expense).

fewdo · 2023-02-25T20:49:32+00:00

I'm 18 months out from the big day. Life is better than I imagined it could be. I don't post because I'm not looking for help.

The kids cry when the go back to mom's sometimes. I don't want them to suffer but I'm not going to lie, it does make me feel like I'm doing something right. That's so different than when their mom was around undercutting everything I ever said.

I'm less stressed and I'm a better parent now.

And my new partner :chef's kiss:

scivan · 2023-02-25T20:57:15+00:00

I have gotten to a solid place. I would have continued to work on things forever just by personality and my view on marriage but it ended up not being my choice. I was thoughtful about it and didn’t let my emotions ruin our relationship at the beginning. I’m 1.5 years out,50/50 with two girls, and enjoying my free time and personal growth. I am a significantly different person in ways I may not have realized had we never split. I have a girlfriend who is emotionally similar to me and we are on the same page about the kids. I get along well with my ex and coparenting well given everything. Who knows what the future will bring but I like myself more, am in a better career I never would have pursued otherwise, and feel like all of the positives lead me to be a better parent because I am a better human.

Wouldn’t have said it back then but I certainly can see a lot of positives in my life after doing the hard work to get myself together.

I don’t know any of your details so no recommendations on what’s best. But I’m in a good place given everything. Good luck to you.

Mindless-Self · 2023-02-25T22:54:39+00:00

One thing to keep in mind is that both Reddit and this sub aren’t representative of the whole population. People who are living the life are less likely to post here.

As someone who recently divorced, I can share that financially she got the raw deal. Had she listened to me and done mediation earnestly she’d have made a bunch more. I’m in a better financial spot today than ever.

Parentally, she also failed at every step. I got literally everything I asked for and more.

Emotionally, well - shit’s hard! I think what was toughest was to realize many people I thought were friends aren’t. And random people who I didn’t consider close stepped up. But I am doing the work to look ahead.

But overall, life is so so so much better already. I am healing and figuring it out, placing myself and my kids first.

So, yeah, change hurts but that’s why it makes us grow. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but if it needs to happen, then might as well embrace it and try to make the best of a challenging moment.

Brilliant-Delay1410 · 2023-02-26T03:25:31+00:00

I understand where you are coming from OP.

Lots of good advice on here! However, due to the number of guys who have had a very bad divorce, there is often a lot of negativity towards women in general. Which I also understand.

If been pretty lucky with the finance and kids aspects. But less so with the post split interactions with ex.

FineTransition96 · 2023-02-26T07:32:14+00:00

Yes, I am divorced and I love it. We have two kids (5 and 7) and were 13 years together, 10 years married. She decided to go "find herself" - really did a very unexpected 180 on so many things. We had a great life, great family, sex was also good. Of course there were compromises and times when we struggled but mostly petty things and stress that comes with small children.

I am of course financially strained but will survive. The freedom is undescribable for me. I used to wotk and build and provide but got very little in return except demands - we need vacation, we need to visit her sister, her mother, thus friend's birthday, that childrens party (where mothers chat and fathers stand around not knowing what to do with themselves). All that is behind me. No more demands, just peace and quiet. Living life as I want, doing things I want to do and don't feel obliged to do things I don't want to do.

Title	It's a tough time reading this board
Author	SeminoleTom
Upvotes	18
Comments	51
Date	February 25, 2023 1:16 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/11bks25/its_a_tough_time_reading_this_board/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/its-a-tough-time-reading-this-board.1153382 https://theredarchive.com/post/1153382

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