If you get an abundance of OLD matches but can never seem to find what you are looking for; what do you think the problem is?

xzpw · 2022-10-11T13:50:00+00:00

For a lot of the women I know (they get many matches) it goes like this: “I want someone I click with.” They go on a few dates and talk to people online. It never really clicks and they burn out well before having gone on something like 25 dates. They write off online dating for a while and say, “it’s just not full of what I want.”

I ask them how many men they meet in real life that they click with. I ask them “we were at this multi day event with 200 people. How many men did you click with there?” They respond, “hrmm… none. It is hard.”

Basically most women expect the dates to immediately click and for conversation to be effortless and fun and amazing from the get go with online dates. They don’t have this perception for stuff IRL as much because they don’t usually go on a date with someone they don’t know from real life. Very few women I know have ever been setup with someone and done a blind date like you would with online.

Thus - you get this issue where you think everyone sucks from online. But it’s just that you need way more exposure to people to get a decent connection. Very few women have the immediate and sustained attraction like men do and when they do - it’s for an exceptional few men. Most men will need to build the attraction and that takes much longer than an hour long coffee date, unfortunately. The expectations are much higher for these women because they’re giving you all their 1:1 time instead of it being at a party where they might be giving you all their time but there’s the illusion that they’re not.

So, yeah, they almost all give up online dating because they realize they can’t do it. Their sense of attraction is far more demi than men’s.

InfoVariety-8842 · 2022-10-11T14:49:52+00:00

M39 I get an okayish amount of matches and have to filter them. I would say what eliminates most:

some are physically unattractive
they seem too desperate for marriage/kids. I’d get married again but….chill before we even know each others last names
they look boring (boring prompts, bunch of photos with their kids). Even if she’s hot. You want someone who will “feel a spark” or else you’ll get dropped immediately in todays world, and it’s an uphill battle to have a good date with a passive, boring person.
too far away from me, or don’t have their location shown. People are busy enough as it is, without driving 45 mins for a date

PlatypusPolka · 2022-10-11T13:54:54+00:00

I didn’t do OLD for long but I wasn’t meeting “my type” and honestly, a photo and a few quippy lines doesn’t tell you enough about a person. I think I’m just old school and prefer to meet IRL.

warramite · 2022-10-11T16:26:50+00:00

Depends on your gender.. Women have plenty of options/likes but don't want to put any effort in the early relationship stages/initial messages/even swiping so they end up unsatisfied because only fuckboys are willing to pursue women who don't show reciprocation

Reason being fuckboys are looking for pussy not a real connection

With men because of lack of reciprocation and interest, you have to play numbers game and hope you hit a woman in the right time to go out with you or come over.. and that game can be years of constantly reaching out to random women due to low match rate

What makes the small minority of people you would consider dating via OLD stand out from the rest?

If she's a responsive texter and asks me to meet her one way or another, I'd be very interested cause I'd assume she's not looking for an ego boost but real connection

Women have lots of options but a high ego and therefore super high standards, so they'll just deleting the apps and coming back but rarely find anybody but fuckbois cause "Why would I message a man, especially a man like HIM? I'm not desperate, he should show me how valuable I know I am."

blmzd · 2022-10-11T16:48:17+00:00

I’m currently only on tinder and I pay to see who swiped on me. The number is currently around 10k. I have swiped right on less than 500 of those men and have been on dates with less than 20. I can’t say I’m looking specifically for a relationship (this is tinder after all), but I’m open to one with the right person.

Honestly, when you get a lot of matches/swipes, sometimes it’s just hard to keep up. Having to juggle multiple conversations and compare profiles to see who you’d rather chat with can be a lot. I don’t think it’s that most of these men aren’t “in my league” (though admittedly there are some extremely low effort/distasteful profiles out there that don’t show those men in a positive light) and I don’t think they’re all unattractive. If we’re talking just matches, I wouldn’t swipe right if I found them to be unattractive.

Having good photos (not just poorly lit selfies) and an actual bio (beyond height & IG) as well as of course me finding them attractive is what makes me swipe right. I choose to go on dates with some guys and not others based on our conversation. If we can hold each other’s attention throughout the madness/noise of OLD, I think that’s worth a date.

Personally, I think the reasons why I haven’t really found what I’m looking for have to do more with me than them. Sometimes I’m too picky, sometimes I’m impatient, and other times I’m just too busy. Someone else mentioned finding that initial “spark” with someone and I totally agree. If conversation isn’t flowing and I don’t feel the sparks flying then there won’t be a second date. I’ve learned the hard way I need to feel the “oomph”. There was someone who I went on a date with and didn’t feel it, but gave him a second chance at the urging of my friends, as they thought perhaps I was being impatient again. Still no spark. Midway through the third date I realized this would never change, so I ended the date early and got myself some ice cream. I was much more excited eating that ice cream than I was on any date with him.

ashpr0ulx · 2022-10-11T13:44:01+00:00

i think one of the main problems with online dating is that it puts people with entirely different lifestyles together. like people who would never cross paths or run in similar circles irl end up matching. it’s not always bad, but it sorta makes sense that OLD is rife with incompatibility

i’ve had two good relationships come from online dating and they were both with men who knew some of the same people as me and ran in similar crowds. there was a real life chance that i could have run into these men just going about my day

toasterchild · 2022-10-11T15:39:30+00:00

It wasn't about league, their job or income. It usually was something about their look that was interesting and set them apart from others. Something that made it look like they weren't afraid of being themselves. I rarely felt like I was "better" than men I was passing on (ones who take photos with their fancy cars are the exception) When I was online dating I had hundreds of matches and chatted with lots of men who would be considered higher value. I passed them all up for my broke ass man in a dead end job who enjoyed similar humor and was a lot of fun to spend time with.

Vegetable-Rub3418 · 2022-10-11T16:14:18+00:00

The majority of women are picky and they don't find most of their options attractive. So it stands the reason why most women don't like OLD.

inkiwitch · 2022-10-11T17:04:40+00:00

I moved to LA and thought that I would have a harder time getting matches out here but I’ve gotten thousands of likes and I match with 70-80% of the men I swipe right on. Similar percentage will usually ask for a second date as well.

I’ve gone on around 40 first dates in past year. Only 3 of them had that spark, that chemistry, that electric tingly vibe that you want on a first date.

One was an absolute catch, best profile I’ve ever seen to this day, my kinda cute, and so funny in a smart way. He very politely turned me down the day after in the most gentlemanly way.

The other two were fuckboys who knew the art of flirting and teasing just the right way. Both extremely adorable and both painfully aware of how good looking they were. Both cut things off in rude immature ways when they didn’t get sex.

Every other date has been just okay. Just fine. Sometimes will try to date someone who seems really sweet and has things in common but that always fizzles out by like the 8th date and then the guy just feels like his time was wasted.

So yeah, while I have tons of options, I’m gonna keep looking for a spark. I’ve seen that it exists so why settle for anything less?

NockerJoe · 2022-10-11T17:28:43+00:00

I find a lot of people who complain are self centered. Onviously if you aren't feeling it thats one thing but theres a decent amount of complaining about dudes who made them feel a certain type of way but then bounce after. But the thing is they rarely talk about how that other person felt and the only actions they describe are actions directed at them.

A lot of people never seem to realize that relationships are a two way street where you need to also be trying to engage with the other person and its not just about them trying to win you over. You can have 100 matches but if you take that as a signal that they need to step up non reciprocally to win your time odds are good none of them will work.

HazyMemory7 · 2022-10-11T18:59:40+00:00

A lot of people on OLD apps are either:

Looking for validation/attention
Emotionally unavailable
Want to sit there chatting for weeks without meeting

So it's not really a reflection of the person. It may take a long time to actually find something worthwhile on dating apps, if you're looking for a relationship. So it really depends on the time frame you're talking about.

I have seen some of the same women on apps for like 8-9 months that have something along the lines of "looking for something real" in their bio...odds are yeah, their standards are simply not in line with the man they can actually get commitment from.

platinirisms · 2022-10-11T14:06:07+00:00

Your standards are too high or you don’t have much interest in meeting/dating people from OLD.

It rarely gets more complicated than that.

Over_North8884 · 2022-10-11T15:44:07+00:00

Scammers and prostitutes.

throwawaylessons103 · 2022-10-11T16:02:57+00:00

27F, currently in a relationship but got tons of likes/matches via the apps:

My biggest hurdles:

I live in the Midwest, and a lot of people here are overweight. I workout and am fit, so I wasn't attracted to the majority of men/women (I'm bi) who liked me.
Men often don't take good photos, so it's hard to discern whether I'm unattracted or it's just a bad photo.
Women sometimes take too good of photos, and I'm not attracted to them IRL.
Many bi women, like 1/3rd at least, on the apps have a boyfriend and are just looking for a MFF threesome.
Even if you have tons of options, usually your options have options too. Even with tons of matches, most won't lead to dates, most dates won't lead to more dates, and most short-term relationships won't lead to long-term ones.

Motherofvampires · 2022-10-11T15:03:23+00:00

The vast majority of my matches are not interested in a relationship with me.

KayRay1994 · 2022-10-11T16:51:24+00:00

flat out, as a guy who gets 2-3 matches a day + around a few a week who i think i wanna actually talk to, i’m just flat out not cut out for the having conversations with strangers via text only to meet in person and see if your vibes match thing - i forget to reply to a message and that eventually turns into ghosting, though that’s only with OLD cause i have literally no personal links to these people - so that’s what it is for me, the whole format and the fact that if i wanna be invested in conversing with anyone, i need to feel their energy - can’t do that with OLD

hungrychick404 · 2022-10-11T18:03:59+00:00

I know some people who are looking for someone who might be the same religion as them, someone who makes the same dietary choices as them (vegans wanting a vegan or all meat diet person needs someone who also eats a lot of meat), or someone in the same ethnic group as them. All of these things limit the amount of people you can click with, as you want someone who shares similarities with you in an area where people with that similarity might be uncommon.

prizefighterstudent · 2022-10-11T18:41:45+00:00

Number of matches mean nothing to me personally -- if I'm choosing between 100 land whales and 5 solid cuties, I'll always take the latter.

The problem will always come down to your looks -- maybe your profile, depending on what app you're using and if it's really that abysmal. OLD is 95% about looks -- change your looks, change the game.

funlightmandarin · 2022-10-11T21:36:00+00:00

If you get an abundance of OLD matches

You're not supposed to have this, if

but can never seem to find what you are looking for

it's this they want. It would mean they're swiping wrong.

Abundance of OLD matches mean swipes primarily based on ego and chasing validation. If you want a good match, only swipe right on the people you think will be a good match for you and don't lie to yourself when judging what you think will be a good match for you.

And then don't bother with the rest. Sure, they're nice people that are swiped away, but they're ultimately a waste of time if you can already see they're not a good match.

If you're a homebody that likes knitting and playing board games on a Saturday evening with a nice glass of wine, why the hell would you swipe right on the party boy surfer frat bro that spends three months out of the year camping out his van chasing waves if you have no interest in that. Like why.

Get a couple of good matches and focus on them. The chemistry and flow of conversation will be way better if you actually like the same stuff. Sure, you're not forced to look for dudes that share all your hobbies, but be realistic if you're not interested in camping in the back of the van for 1/4 of the year.

If you're still not meeting guys you like, you're either looking for a niche or you're in a small-ass town.

tinasnow-poty · 2022-10-11T15:01:04+00:00

Sometimes I realised I wasn’t that attracted to him, maybe he said something that put me off (a lot of times they were too forward too soon), maybe the conversation just wasn’t interesting from either of our sides, maybe we realised we were incompatible somehow.

I was on tinder for like a year and went on like 10ish dates. 3 progressed onto 2nd, 3rd+ dates. All of them except 2 asked for a second date but I declined because I didn’t really feel like there was anything there, and I think they mostly asked because there may have been an opportunity for sex, not because they thought I was special or anything. I think this is what a lot of people are missing: the majority of matches and dates is a bunch of guys who you get along well enough with, who will sleep with you if you offer but they don’t necessarily really like you. So obviously they don’t make the cut for a relationship. Well at least that was my problem! And then there are guys who realise i’m not the right girl for them. It’s not just me doing the rejecting

2022-10-11T17:09:59+00:00

for me i decided being single was better than playing mommy to one of those men.

h1shman · 2022-10-11T14:59:45+00:00

Most of the women come across as promiscuous on their profiles. Duck lips, poses to show their ass and whatnot. This is fine for casual sex but not really what I was looking for in a woman for LTR.

The girl I’m with stood out because her bio didn’t have any red flags and she had a handful of wholesome photos.

It’s all about looks and not disqualifying yourself as a woman. Bars higher for a man IME

drew8311 · 2022-10-11T14:48:10+00:00

I assume this is a Q4W? Sure some guys can get lots of matches too but they are probably finding what they are looking for, sex.

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Oli_love90 · 2022-10-11T18:14:26+00:00

When it comes to swiping, I tend to disqualify based on: empty profiles, one liners/messages from uninterested guys, gross messages, guys only looking to hook up, professions(I.e I wouldn’t date police), age, poly guys and some photos are a turn off. That eliminates a majority of matches.

I also have my own issues, I hate texting and generally am really bad with “get to know you” convos so I’m sure some guys get bored/ think I’m not interested.

ItsJustThePits · 2022-10-11T18:58:46+00:00

Standards too high

Dolphin_Moon · 2022-10-11T20:20:11+00:00

I get so much attention on apps and get overwhelmed then delete them. I need to just play the field but I get so tired lol

That gonna change!

AloneOnTheStrange · 2022-10-12T02:07:44+00:00

Abundance does things to your perception of people. If you always have more matches, lots of chats open, more dates around the corner, it's easy not to care about any of those.

No spark? Took too long to schedule a second date? Not sure enough if they like you back? Who cares, there's another one to take their place. Nexting someone is easier than dealing with those pesky feelings of uncertainty.

I feel this as an average guy, I can't imagine how much worse it is for women who get thousands of likes, and chat queues of dozens.

As to how to deal with it; apply some god damn restraint. If you've got dates coming up, put your phone away and stop swiping. Talk to the people in your queue, before swiping on more. Learn to deal with adult feelings of uncertainty and awkwardness.

InfamousBake1859 · 2022-10-12T05:37:58+00:00

Imagine you as had to go through 200 job interviews and resumes per day. It’s tiring. Then half or more start telling and spamming at you for rejecting them

Title	If you get an abundance of OLD matches but can never seem to find what you are looking for; what do you think the problem is?
Author	Crafty_Letter_1719
Upvotes	19
Comments	63
Date	October 11, 2022 1:31 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/y19644/if_you_get_an_abundance_of_old_matches_but_can/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/if-you-get-an-abundance-of-old-matches-but-can.1208524 https://theredarchive.com/post/1208524

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