CMV : A lot of women on HERE seem to mistake comfort for attraction. Attraction is actually uncomfortable

LadyofTheGreyPath · 2023-06-22T18:50:44+00:00

You're making the error of mistaking comfort with boring in a general sense, similar to those who commonly mistake nice with being a doormat. They are not that same thing at all.

nevernotthesame · 2023-06-22T19:01:20+00:00

Attraction is meeting a guy and literally counting down the hours before you can go home and masturbate over him.

you mean lust...

Attraction is feeling nervous and excited and tripping over your words. its literally the tingles

you mean a childlike definition of attraction. something a child would have over their crush, almost an obsession/infatuation.

It’s purely biological and sexual.

this is again lust.

attraction is not purely biological and sexual. you can be attracted to someone's personality, their looks, etc. attraction can be a subtle, noticeable, warm feeling.

Justwannaread3 · 2023-06-22T18:20:41+00:00

I think you’re missing what women mean when we say “comfortable.”

In my view, we mean that it’s easier to develop attraction when a man isn’t a stranger and that we’ve developed a basic friendship or familiarity.

That we’ve assessed that they are the kind of person we might want to spend time with in any regard.

This is a completely different “comfortability” level than you get in a long term relationship, for example.

Attraction builds with time and as you get to know someone.

totallyworkinghere · 2023-06-22T18:59:07+00:00

I guarantee you I have felt genuinely excited over my "safe" husband.

If attraction to you is uncomfortable, that sounds like an unfortunate way to live. Have you tried seeking help?

AstronautLoveShack · 2023-06-22T19:13:48+00:00

No, attraction is not wanting to hurry home and masturbate to a random guy you happened to see that day. What the hell even is this? Is that something you actually do when you see cute girls on the street?

Attraction and comfort are not the same thing. Attraction is finding someone someone good looking, and perhaps interesting enough to get to know better. The comfort is what helps you let your guard down enough to actually have sex with someone. It doesn’t mean your romantic partner is an old couch. It means the attraction you feel for them, in tandem with the level of comfort you feel in their company, will entice you to want to date and/or have sex with that person.

Acaciduh · 2023-06-22T18:24:16+00:00

Comfortable doesn’t have to mean boring or unexciting. You can have tingles and that nervous feeling for a man that also makes you feel safe and comfortable I don’t know why you think they are mutually exclusive. Rollercoaster emotions will not lead to a long lasting relationship either. The people who are constantly chasing the feeling of NRE usually are toxic AF and end up cycling thru relationships. You can keep the spark alive while also having comfort and stability. It’s why a lot of women have better sex in a relationship, the feeling of being comfortable with your partner allows for more experimentation, etc. you’d never do with some ONS you have no clue even cares about you.

Unnecessary-Training · 2023-06-22T19:01:15+00:00

Comfortable≠boring

Beebum5 · 2023-06-22T18:19:28+00:00

Hahah what? You lost me at counting down the hours before going home masturbating to them.

dyngladfel · 2023-06-22T18:29:53+00:00

No, you've mistaken the early infatuation with attraction, and a deepening of an emotional bond with sexlessness. Whether or not a woman has a "low SMV" doesn't seem particularly relevant either.

wtknight · 2023-06-22T18:33:26+00:00

Attraction is feeling nervous and excited and tripping over your words - it’s literally the tingles. It’s purely biological and sexual. A lot of women simply mistake comfort for attraction, they are not the same.

I’m a guy and I’ve never felt this way about a woman. You can accuse me of being some low T guy, but then that just proves my point that your “attraction” is only some testosterone based reaction, which would explain why many of the women whom you are criticizing don’t feel the way that you think that attracted people should feel.

Ainsleygz · 2023-06-22T18:33:05+00:00

What about cumfort

januaryphilosopher · 2023-06-22T18:40:44+00:00

It could be easy to confuse attraction and discomfort, and indeed people can experience attraction that makes them feel uncomfortable but that doesn't tend to lead anywhere. However, attraction is perfectly compatible with comfort. It can be an intense, urgent, overwhelming feeling like one of fear, but unlike fear or discomfort, it draws you towards someone, not away. We generally become comfortable around those we find attractive more quickly as a result, as well as attraction being easier when we're comfortable with someone rather than just awkward strangers. Large levels of attraction are very comfortable - you're drawn back to someone again and again, a pattern that is safe and consistent but nonetheless can be exciting (depending on how exciting you are as people I suppose).

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-06-22T19:20:06+00:00

You’re mixing up a few different things. First of all, there are stages in relationships. At first it tends to be a rollercoaster, with the butterflies and excitement and nervousness of possibilities. Over time, it settles into something less exciting but more comfortable. This doesn’t translate to “boring” though, unless one or both are just boring people. If the love is real there will still be tingles, it’s just more of a “warm blanket” feeling than an uncomfortable nervousness of not knowing where you stand with a new person or a fickle lover. This is what women are saying they prefer.

Also, no, when most women meet a new guy they’re very attracted to they’re not waiting to go home and masturbate. You’re projecting male-typical sexuality onto women. They’re waiting to go home and jump on their phones to tell all their friends how it went. They’re excited for sex with him but they’re also unlikely to orgasm when it happens because they’re also nervous. They’re less likely to be super excited for sex after they’ve been with him a few years, but more likely to genuinely enjoy it. These may seem like inconsequential differences but are important for understanding how women’s sexuality works.

To put it simply, more often than not, the exciting guy and the comfortable guy are not so black and white and tend to be the same guy at different stages in a relationship.

Zestyclose_Truth9999 · 2023-06-22T19:11:15+00:00

Attraction is feeling nervous and excited and tripping over your words - its literally the tingles

No, that's a crush.

I don't feel "nervous" or trip over my words when I'm around my partner. I do, however, want to rip his pants off and do a whole bunch of X-rated things with him.

The reasons? 1) He's hot as hell. 2) Our relationship is in a stable and comfortable place, where we can be honest about our desires and kinks.

Attraction is meeting a guy and literally counting down the hours before you can go home and masturbate over him.

Again, that's a crush. In an actual relationship, you'd be fantasising about going home to ride your partner all night — and then actually doing it.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-06-22T19:40:00+00:00

I think you're confusing attraction for lust. You can be attracted to someone and not want to bang them every second of every day. I'm attracted to my husband, I enjoy watching him dress and undress, I like watching him lift heavy shit at the gym, that gets my motor going. I am also very comfortable with him and going back home to him does feel like going back home to a nice, cozy blanket. Wanting someone sexually and feeling safe and comfortable with them aren't mutually exclusive.

What you described sounds like how a teenager sees things. It's a pretty limited and childish view but they're teenagers, so it's expected.

zyex12 · 2023-06-22T20:47:00+00:00

I think your the one who’s missing the point man I mean I’m a dude and I don’t really like a girl until I get to know her and feel comfortable to open up to her yea I can like a girl purely cause I think she’s cute or hot but I don’t dare until I feel comfortable and that doesn’t mean I don’t find them attractive and I just like their personality it means u find someone who fits in to both categories for yourself you think they look good and you like their personality which makes them look even better to the person

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2023-06-22T19:13:49+00:00

I’m very comfortable with my husband but I still get butterflies and goosebumps from him.

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2023-06-22T20:37:04+00:00

I dunno when I felt comfortable with my partner I let him fuck me in the ass so like comfortable is required for asshole privileges. I found it very exciting and fun.

Who the fuck goes home and masturbates to strangers?

HazyMemory7 · 2023-06-22T22:01:33+00:00

For women, that emotional connection can lead to that visceral physical lust type of attraction.

The entire reason there are more men than women looking for casual sex is because of this. Women's physical attraction is affected more by emotional connection and familiarity; for a guy a hot girl with a fat ass is hot and it's that simple. Which isn't to say for women that they aren't attracted to height, muscle, masculine face ect... but a lot of women need to feel chemistry to feel really physically attracted to someone.

spezisadouche · 2023-06-22T19:05:27+00:00

This is quite possibly the dumbest fucking incel post I have ever read.

towerofcheeeeza · 2023-06-22T20:54:01+00:00

If you're tripping over your words after being with someone for several years that's pretty weird. Everyone gets excited or nervous early on in a relationship but just because you're not anxious around them anymore doesn't mean you're not attracted to them anymore.

I'm just as attracted if not more attracted to my partner than ever. I've never been more attracted to someone in my life. He was the only person I ever experienced a spark with. But we're also comfortable together. I love waking up next to him, I love sitting on the couch and playing games with him, I love cooking for him, and surprise surprise I LOVE having sex with him. We've been together for over 5 years and yeah I'm more comfortable with him than anyone else, but I do also still get very horny with and over him.

Also who tf is counting down the hours til they can go home and masturbate over someone? I don't even know men who do that.

modidlee · 2023-06-22T23:06:14+00:00

I think women want to feel that initial excitement when they first meet a guy. But what they really want is to eventually feel a sense of comfort with the guy that they feel that intense nervous attraction towards.

CatchPhraze · 2023-06-23T05:51:48+00:00

Comfortable is being sure I'm not about to end up in a soup. You are mistaking nervous and excited for uncomfortable. If I'm uncomfortable I'm probably on edge and not into it.

MistyMaisel · 2023-06-22T18:37:43+00:00

These two are not mutually exclusive and women are not confused.

The typical way women explore their sexuality and attraction is picking a man who is very strongly one way or the other. Thus your boring comfortable platonic emotional first boyfriend who is a safe way to explore intimate connection without so much danger in the sexual realm. Thus the bad boy who is a comfortable way to explore erotic connection and adventurous emotional connection without much danger in the relationship companionship vulnerability. Then they usually switch to the polar opposite when that first relationship falls apart.

The maturity process teaches us to seek a man who is both safe and companionable and excited and attracted. But yes, it's entirely possible to feel safe and comfortable while feeling attracted, erotic, and excited tingles. I do it all the time with my man.

420KUSHBUSH · 2023-06-22T22:58:59+00:00

You misattribute what is meant when the word "comfortable" is said

RocinanteCoffee · 2023-06-22T23:09:46+00:00

No the excitement I feel with someone I'm attracted to is entirely different than discomfort. The former is still a prodding, rockety ride, that stokes my already high libido and engages my mind and body. Sure it's an upheaval of sort but not an uncomfortable one.

The latter is not of interest to most people. Some people of course embrace the discomfort when there is no pleasure or satisfaction or fullfillment but those are fringe people usually with emotional problems or mental vulnerabilities (people who chase abusers even when their red flags are visible at the start, et cetera).

They have their low smv/dorky boyfriend who makes them feel safe and not repulsed, they’re friends with him because they’re into the same stuff and spend a lot of time together so are “emotionally” invested. They mistake this for attraction.

Attraction is meeting a guy and literally counting down the hours before you can go home and masturbate over him.

Why not both? Someone who is 'high value' to you (that phrase is so funny but let me use it to share your language for easy communication), and who makes you want to fantasize about all the things you'd do to each other and still that excitement is cupped by a feeling that they have a good nature or a demonstration that they are considerate, thoughtful, and compatible.

I can't speak for anyone else but quite a few people need both for a relationship to start.

Excitement is not fear. Being provoked, stoked, and your heart fluttering isn't the same as being disgusted, uninterested, and uncomfortable.

sublimemongrel · 2023-06-23T00:03:54+00:00

This type of excitement builds over time. When women say they are “comfortable” with men in this context I assume they mean they know him and trust him. Not that he’s akin to a comfy couch.

The guy you maybe have a spark with - the more time you spend developing that crush you will feel the same emotional rollercoaster, butterflies-in-stomach, thinking about him constantly. Like that shit builds the longer you’ve known each other and spent time together, INTENSELY. You are still “comfortable” with him in that you’re comfortable enough to be vulnerable around him, you are safe with him.

YveisGrey · 2023-06-23T01:13:18+00:00

Well I think that many women have to overcome fear before they can give into attraction which is why it can take time and familiarity for them to become attracted. If you are afraid of a strange man your mechanism for self preservation will override any potential attraction you could have towards him. Men have a hard time understanding this because they aren’t generally afraid of strange women. But women actually are often afraid of strange men especially when it comes to a sexual context. This is because men are our biggest “predators” if you will.

toasterchild · 2023-06-23T13:26:42+00:00

A lot of people mistake anxiety for attraction and that is how people end up in so many relationships with total assholes. If you think that you need to feel scared to be attracted you are likely to end up dating a lot of bad people for you... but it will probably be exciting and filled with lots of drama.

Orangematcha · 2023-06-22T18:47:09+00:00

lol. I’m sure people realize that. The inverse is true as well. I’m sure men love woman that post sexy pics online and would want to be with them but as soon as they get together ask to not be as promiscuous. Purposely change the attraction to comfort.

Most relationships are based off comfort and attraction as well. To think only attraction is important and can be maintained for the entirety of the relationship is hilariously wrong and an idealized dream of a relationship.

It feels like you just wrote this cause you wanted to type out your fantasy of what you want a woman to for you. You want them to count down the hours to go home and masturbate to you? Lmao.

Summeronmymountain · 2023-06-22T20:46:16+00:00

I guess I've never been attracted to anyone because I've never done that and I want to avoid people who make me nervous. You shouldn't be terrified of someone you have a crush on, that sounds like mental illness.

killjumpsteady · 2023-06-23T01:42:02+00:00

I think your referring to lust and not attraction

jcolls69 · 2023-06-23T01:07:37+00:00

If you genuinely think attraction means meeting someone and literally counting down the hours before you can go home and masturbate over them; then you are a pervert and you should seek therapy.

Oli_love90 · 2023-06-23T02:16:20+00:00

I have rarely met women who LUST after a guy, no matter how hot he is. So I kind of believe that we don’t see hot guys and want to fuck em or masterbate to their visage. That just seems really thirsty and weird to me. I think your definition of attraction is incredibly subjective.

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notviccyvictor · 2023-06-22T22:07:39+00:00

Uhhh… what

Bmiller1550 · 2023-06-22T22:21:44+00:00

Agree and disagree.

Yes, attraction is correlated with anxiety and uncertainty. But that can be built over time, which is why women explain that they have to get to know a guy first.

A girl can see a guy as a 6, but after spending time around him and seeing his confident behavior she can see him as a 9. Lots of male dating coaches preach how women are most attracted to men who's feelings are unclear. That alone can stoke anxiety.

Girls can go from somewhat interested to blowing up your phone over the course of a few weeks/months. That's what they mean by attraction building over time.

Practicing_Raccoon · 2023-06-22T22:39:19+00:00

Attraction like you described is hormone fueled infatuation and always fades when the hormones calm down. It's gonna be tough to wanna stay together if you're not friends or comfortable with each other once the honeymoon phase ends.

purpleunicorn888 · 2023-06-22T23:18:02+00:00

What's low smv?

DutifulRye696 · 2023-06-23T00:49:59+00:00

I think attraction is emotional as much as physical. I've met and spoken to plenty of attractive women in my life, as an adult only two have made me feel that and that was due to the building of a connection.

thetruthishere_ · 2023-06-23T02:02:59+00:00

Im not uncomfortable with it.

If I was that comfortable with him we would just have sex and I dont need to masturbate. LOL

People can feel nervous/excited and not be attracted.

I swear so many of you here live in this tiny tunnel and everything is black & white when its not.

I only dated one 'low value' guy in my 20's. I was 'young and dumb'.

notseizingtheday · 2023-06-23T13:31:38+00:00

Wow another mansplainer who is projecting their own experiences with attraction and lust onto women.

DangZagnutsSon · 2023-06-24T06:42:05+00:00

Honestly I see this. But the thing is the dorky awkward guys ARE exciting. Starting in middle school I'd feel sexual attraction to my male friends. And we were nerds. Real nerds. Anime, chess, magic the gathering, lord of the rings, startrek, fantasy & sci fi novels, you get the idea here. And it was directly because they were nerds, awkward, clumsy, nervous, spazzy. Specifically because they were those which made me feel powerful. I wasn't overlooking those qualities because they offered something else. It was directly and specifically those qualities. Obviously it didn't happen all the time. But sometimes one would blush, tremble, stutter, look away. That's when the tingles. And I really did count down the hours till I could get home and fap to them. I think the only thing stopping me from feeling that way about the girls was that they didn't get nervous the same way. We were almost all in band together too.

So the only problem here is you define the excitement females feel exclusively to them getting nervous like that over a guy. You don't consider the other side of the slash to use a bdsm term. Which is nonsensical because if that was true then how would a male define his excitement? Either you think them being nervous is actually exciting or you are just pretending to while secretly wishing someone would do that to you instead. So which is it?

Title	CMV : A lot of women on HERE seem to mistake comfort for attraction. Attraction is actually uncomfortable
Author	Cjaylyle
Upvotes	10
Comments	72
Date	June 22, 2023 6:15 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/14galv9/cmv_a_lot_of_women_on_here_seem_to_mistake/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/cmv-a-lot-of-women-on-here-seem-to-mistake-comfort.1223087 https://theredarchive.com/post/1223087

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