Dating is a nightmare

Recent_Ingenuity6941 · 2024-09-17T17:37:04+00:00

Dont worry about a partner or a relationship. Thats probably the biggest problem. You need to focus on yourself, get in shape, make money, and have fun with women. That's what they want anyway (to have fun). You will meet all kinds of people and when the right one comes along you will have your relationship, not before then.

Ask yourself this question, "Would you date you if you were a female"? With all her options out there what makes you stand out?

Due_Aardvark8330 · 2024-09-15T23:17:07+00:00

You sound desperate. The problem is you want a relationship, which gives off huge vibes that you arent capable of being on your own, which means you are someone that needs to be taken care of.

When you want a relationship, you blind yourself to who you are really dating. You look past the red flags and convince yourself that this person is the one. Once the new relationship lust wears off, you will have diminished interest in your partner.

You give off this vibe and the fact that youve already admitted that your standards are "WAY lower", is even more evident that you would not be able to maintain a relationship for the long run.

You dont know yourself and you are not comfortable being alone. You openly admit to dating women you used to not find attractive or below your standards. You are a walking red flag.

2024-09-15T08:05:51+00:00

Dating sucks in the west, women here dont actually need us due to higher pay and a better standard of living. This is why many here have been used as sperm donors and baby slaves. Ill be trying my luck overseas when I can afford it

JurassicParkRanger87 · 2024-09-15T06:00:40+00:00

Im just getting out of ny marriage (out 9 months) and just started seeing someone new (3 months) its good. I like it. But what ive heard from my girlfriends on the market is with it now being a hookup and ghosting culture sometimes men are promising more and not delivering. Idk for your situation but thats what i hear from the female side of things. Hope things improve and you find happiness.

Limerence1976 · 2024-09-14T20:25:39+00:00

Personally, yes. I was ready to fall head over heels for a wonderful man I dated post-divorce. He lied to me about a lot of stuff and after 3 years still didn’t really want to commit. I found out later he would deny our relationship to people while telling me he loved me and having me hangout with his family and calling me his girlfriend. Shattered me. I won’t be able to trust anyone for a long time but I know that and so I’m not dating. But I did go out in 1-3 dates with other guys before I figured out I really can’t date right now. Sucked all around. The desire is there but the trust isn’t. Working on it.

Classic_Dill · 2024-09-14T16:12:45+00:00

I discovered after getting divorced and dating could be tricky, so I came up with a TikTok channel that addressed dating after a divorce, if you have women ghosting you or telling you they want to take a break between date and date? Is there any possibility that maybe you’re over pursuing? One thing men do a lot, and it’s really incorrect, is that they over pursue a woman, which makes them feel like you want them more than they want you and that’s gonna turn them off. I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing, I’m just saying maybe? Never chase 100%, the female should at least chase 50% if not a little bit more. I have found that indifference is a powerful weapon, and it keeps women coming back, do you want to be with me? Fantastic! Do you wanna bail on me? Fantastic! I know it sounds like that doesn’t work, but trust me, women eat it up.

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2024-09-14T15:41:26+00:00

I think you have a few things going on that turn women off.

Firstly you say other than work and kids you have nothing going on in your life. Big big turn off for females. That means they are going to be the center of your world and you are going to be needy and clingy. In short they will become your mother.

Sounds like you have no relationship with yourself which is why you have no standards. Again huge turnoff for women. They can smell desperation a mile away.

My advice find something you are passionate about outside of work and kids and begin pursuing that. Think back to before you got married ...what did you enjoy doing that you stopped doing when you made your life all about your wife?

Date to have fun in the beginning, don't make it about finding a long term partner. That will happen on its own. Have fun with your date, get to know her, have sex, go on some fun trips, keep it casual until you both feel serious about each other.

If you have a good relationship with your self you won't get attached to the outcome of dating. You already have an awesome life, you have your purpose, you have your kids, you have set yourself up financially, all of that will still be there if the current woman you are seeing calls it quits or if you call it quits with her. In time the right woman will come along.

TheoryRemarkable66 · 2024-09-14T15:24:42+00:00

You should raise your standards and stay off dating apps

Go to the gym or playground with the kids and focus on yourself and them

You should in general be far, far less tolerant of female drama and bullshit. They are not worth the trouble they cause.

Outrageous-Quail5891 · 2024-09-14T13:51:41+00:00

At least you are getting dates. I barely get any matches and so far no dates at all. I usually get ghosted a couple of days into conversation and without any indication why. The longest I talked too was almost two weeks, things seemed decent and we had quite a few things in common. Then one evening, while talking she mentioned she is having a smoke. I casually say "leave the smoke and let's just talk. It's not good for you anyway". Next thing she god mad and said to end it there.

Yes, dating is hard after a certain age, especially for men. I feel like women are always chasing "the next best thing" without actually investing time to know the other person. Or maybe it is just my broken heart talking.

mr21vp · 2024-09-14T13:44:59+00:00

Women dry up when a guy is in desperation mode to be in a relationship. Act indifferent towards them and see the difference. I know it's counter intuitive but that's the way it works now with modern women.

berzerker5000 · 2024-09-14T13:44:24+00:00

Don’t lower your standards. If you are doing that, it’s a reflection of how you feel about yourself, that you feel you are not worthy of a dime. That is a big problem. Make sure you are leveling yourself up. Work on your seduction skills. I realized that my lack of seduction skills during marriage contributed to it ending. The skill to attract and retain a woman is a skill that must be learned—-ESPECIALLY for nice guys which is like 80% of us. You are probably wanting it too much and coming across as needy, not confident, not sustaining sexual chemistry, or whatever and thereby raising red flags. You probably think you can just be your old self cuz you are such a good guy and someone will like you for you. You can’t. Nice guy mindset. No. You have to become and be your new and improved self by assuming your true masculine frame. Improving your frame requires both learning seduction but also leveling yourself up across the board (physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, lifestyle, sex skills, etc). When you do that you become a chick magnet.

Dating women around my age that have kids has been terrible. It’s like I remind them of their exes and they are bitter, and they remind me of mine, so is like some trauma bond that gets old. I stopped doing that. I go for 10 years younger. They are much more fun, more optimistic about life, hotter, even if they are divorced with kids, and seem to value me more as an older man with what I can offer. I found I have better chemistry with younger and it seems more natural. My sexual market place value increases as I age and get better, unlike women, whose value goes down. So younger woman who have a higher value is a better natural Match vs getting another mid-40’s woman. The irony is these older women are even harder to deal with and think they are the bees knees cuz they completely delusional!

I recently broke up with a gf that was infatuated with me and wanted me to put a baby in her. I haven’t found Mrs. Right or nothing (been 15 months since seperation for me) but I’ve had a boatload of fun casual dating, hooking up, and now that is starting to get out of my system and I want some thing longer term now. It’s fun, cuz dating is on my terms. And I’ve spent hours on improving myself since divorce especially in regards to seduction skills. I put in the work and still do.

Met someone last week in fact that gives me the fuzzies like nobody has since my exw when we first met. Almost scary to me how much we vibe. Maybe that will be the one. But I am not attached to outcome either way, since leveling myself up has resulted in me not needing a woman to be my best self. They are the ones trying out, and I am highly selective with who I let in to my world. Those that make the cut are lucky girls.

HailkingCesar · 2024-09-14T12:34:42+00:00

Try long distance! I felt the same way after divorce , then I tried long distance and it’s working perfect

TechnicalAd5152 · 2024-09-14T12:23:22+00:00

Sounds like every women you meet wants something casual, that's PERFECT lol go have fun dude

jetson_1982 · 2024-09-14T12:00:51+00:00

[permanently deleted]

rb5775 · 2024-09-14T10:32:56+00:00

The most important rule in dating is "People want what they can't have". That doesn't mean play games. That means establish your life and activities before dating. Divorce usually mean you have to make new friends and be a part of new groups. Do this before dating.

HalfTheMan611 · 2024-09-14T10:27:30+00:00

I think this might be as much about the state of dating in this modern era as it is the baggage all around. I've been separated for over two years and divorced for a few months. I've been over my ex for a long while and decided to get back out there on the apps. I've been getting lots of interest, matches, etc, but most chats end up fizzling out and girls ghosting. Admittedly my issue has been landing dates as opposed to cultivating relationships, but with endless swiping and seemingly endless options, I think women these days are always thinking there must be something better out there. I consider myself good looking (always had v. hot women in my earlier days) make good money, have a really nice place, lots of interesting hobbies, but despite throwing the best game I can, it's been really tough out there.

NorthBoy_9012 · 2024-09-14T10:25:20+00:00

I live in the Upper Midwest, and there’s a bunch of really great women here - and almost all of them want to get married or have a commitment. I’m 54, and the “response pool” is ages 48-58 on Match, and yes a ton of ghosting, but I’ve had 6 solid dates in 6 weeks of effort - all of these ladies wanting something permanent, and I’m now keeping 2, to see which is the stronger horse. Look, I grew up in LA, but came to MN 29 yers ago, as I instinctively knew big cities usually have a “me me me” vibe. A bunch of day-traders, in my experience. Also, women in their 40’s 50’s don’t want to have their time wasted - and rightfully so. I have made my online profile 100% accurate, and 100% about what I want in my life, so I’m catching fish, off the bait I’m hooking. Good luck to you, and remember, you’re going to have to sift through a ton of manure, to get a diamond.

OwnerAndMaster · 2024-09-14T08:02:12+00:00

Dating?

Bro adults can just hit it & quit it

It's cheaper, faster & everyone is more satisfied

NEVER commit to a date, unless it's McDonalds or Starbucks

Cook at home or order in, pour some cold wine, puff some smoke, Netflix on & macaroni noises

randomthoughtsnyc · 2024-09-14T06:57:45+00:00

Read 3% man. That book helps

HawkThua01 · 2024-09-14T06:27:30+00:00

You guys actually getting dates?Don't know what I'm doing wrong but it's been 4 or 5 yrs since divorce and not even manage to get a date....I must be the problem but I can't figure it out on my own(or infact I did but there is nothing I can do about it and if mention it why I would be called loser or incel or fuck knows what they call nowdays man can't get a date or any sort of connection whit people.

koala_TM · 2024-09-14T06:21:33+00:00

Your standards today should be higher than they've ever been in your life, not lower.

Take everything you've learned over the years and benefit from it by being happy and content alone above all else.

Appropriate_Breath91 · 2024-09-14T05:32:32+00:00

I’m not gonna lie, brother, it’s been 15 months of separation for me and just when I thought I felt ready… I put myself out there.

I’m nowhere near ready. I was with my ex from the time I was 17 until I was 32. I’m 33 now; turning 34 in a few months.

First new girl I decided to start talking to; and my dumb ass starting falling inlove immediately EVEN THOUGH my pain has brought me MUCH more wisdom.

She had red flags freaking GALORE… and I ended up breaking my own heart (on a much lesser scale than my divorce, mind you) because I realized I was way too emotionally vulnerable still…

She was real pretty. She gave me some very much needed female validation. But she was not right for me at all; I bailed after 3 weeks.

The girls you’re getting ghosted by might be doing it the same I did. This stuff is just not the same after you’ve already been through it!

ColdEstablishment172 · 2024-09-14T05:13:59+00:00

I'm doing okay. I had two girls that I was rotating and dropped one today. This other one has my full attention for now but I'm trying to get a second one. I like my options open. I would have more than two but money is an issue. I have other things I would rather spend my money on. For example, I'm traveling a lot and have expensive hobbies. Girls are not a priority for me. I also don't go into these dates looking for a relationship. I'm looking to have fun and that's it. She wants to have fun with me? Let's do it. If not, okay see ya. I love my life more and more each day.

Still-Average9690 · 2024-09-14T04:04:49+00:00

Man, I'm dreading for the day I'm "ready" to get back out there. Very much still in love with my ex wife. She kicked my ass just a week ago. The day after my birthday. In front of our daughter. It was wild. She's been "talking" to other guys and lying NONSTOP behind my back while I've been trying to salvage whatever there is left, even if it's a friendship that just respects that at one point we each other's everything. Moving on is her priority and I've been super fucked up about it. My self esteem and confidence are absolutely non-existent, and I know I'm never going to trust anyone 100% again. Never did until a couple years ago. So it definitely feels like that stage of my life is over. Focus on making big bucks and giving the kids a good life. Glad I have 2 hands I can switch between.

probebeta · 2024-09-14T03:58:56+00:00

Have a couple comments and this is wisdom I've collected from others, a fraction of it from experience.

Standards being lower: how would you rate yourself where you are and what you think you could be? I think working on yourself a bit can help boost your confidence and your standards are slowly lifted. I lifted heavy stuff and got some muscle on my upper back and arms, trimmed the belly fat as well as I could, and all of the sudden standards went up. Hard to workout 3-4 times a week but you can do it! I will not lower my standards anymore, it's either up or nothing, for relationships anyway.

On counting on women for anything. Erase that from your belief system. You should not count on them for anything. They are welcome to join you if you let them come closer, but you can't count on them.

And lastly on wanting relationships. Women are creeped out by that. They need to be coming to you for relationship not the other way around. If you cling to them it sends a signal that you don't have that many options and that's not attractive. Just go out, date and have fun, that's it. You don't want a relationship this soon anyway.

aquatic-dreams · 2024-09-14T03:55:07+00:00

I'm not sure when we separated, roughly 20-22 months ago maybe. I'm ready to run around have fun and date. But I'm also no where near over the baggage of being with my ex for over 14 years. And I'm thinking you probably aren't either. I miss the fuck out of having that partnership. Being a part of a team, running to someone with good news and bad. Having them run to me for the same. I miss that close connection where you can be yourself and not feel judged. Where you can be an embarrassing jackass to tease your partner. Knowing you've got each other's backs. It's one of the best feelings in life.

But I feel like because I miss these things so strongly, that's how I know I'm not ready to have them with someone else. That I need to find a way to be my own best partner first. I think that is one of the reasons why I'm divorced. I loved being a team so much, that I no longer was the person she loved. I was a social guy who didn't give a shit. I led and did my own thing. As the years went on, I led less and less. I was too team focused and I think that came across as weak and codependent.

And if that's the case, if I was open about wanting that again so soon, I think it's a safe bet I would come across as someone who isn't over my divorce, codependent, and looking for someone to save them. I would come across as needy and nobody is attracted to someone who's needy. I don't think many people are going to want that. I think they would rather people like us forge our own lives, offer to share parts, and over time grow from there. And by over time, I mean a lot more than 15 dates.

I've noticed my standards have changed with age, I care less about looks and what their hobbies are, and care more about how they are as a person and what kind of relationships they have with other people and animals.

You've dated more than I have. But try focusing more on having fun with your dates. And focus more on being a better teamate to yourself the rest of the time. That's what I'm currently working on. You might want to give it a shot.

MrGr33n31 · 2024-09-14T03:50:35+00:00

OP, I don’t know how bad your divorce was, but the “traumatized” thing you mention is a real thing for many people. Myself included. I had an ex that probably had BPD and she’d wake me up in the middle of the night to argue when I had to work the next day. She lied and generally behaved like a toddler when she was upset. My work performance suffered because of all this nonsense.

I know I don’t believe in love the same way I used to believe and would much rather be alone than be with a bad woman, and that causes me to cut off potential girlfriends a lot quicker than I did in my 20s. I value my sanity too much to put myself through what I experienced before.

Now as bad as my attitude sounds, imagine if on top of all that I had been with a partner who made me fear for my personal safety.

Not to say that you’re giving off any of those sort of vibes. Just to say that people who have had to deal with BS are far less likely to give others a real chance. They don’t want to allow a partner to get hooks in them unless they feel really really confident that the relationship will add enough value to their life to be worth the risk of running into more bullshit.

Unfortunately, the way this sometimes manifests is when a woman wants to feel sparks early on or else they write you off.

alexmixer · 2024-09-14T03:35:31+00:00

You try hinge bro

SlowBreak8504 · 2024-09-14T03:33:42+00:00

I say stop looking for love. Start loving what you do and then love will find you. Forcing it will end in the same reality that got you here today. Life is short but long man. 18 months is a drop in the pan when you look back in your actions 10 years from now. Thats the only perspective that makes sense for me. Picture yourself in 10-15 yrs looking back on how you handled it.

Title	Dating is a nightmare
Author	LuvDonkeeButts
Upvotes	58
Comments	80
Date	September 14, 2024 3:17 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1fgcyr3/dating_is_a_nightmare/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/dating-is-a-nightmare.1530309 https://theredarchive.com/post/1530309

Comments