My son wants me to take care of my sick ex-wife

Najeeb-31 · 2024-10-25T05:51:31+00:00

How old is your son? How important is your ex to your son? I am almost in the same situation, my daughter, biological child of me and my ex, is 13 and very much dependent on her mom. I will not hesitate to help my ex to recover and maitson her health for the sake of my daughter. Cannot think of raising her without her mom. My emotion to ex is less than emotion I have to doors and windows of my home.

Life_Membership_4170 · 2024-10-25T03:52:53+00:00

Helping out in which ways? Monetary or being physically present or emotional support? You are not a bad person for not wanting to help out. I would think about how your relationship with your son be after this if his mother (assuming) dies out of lack of support which you purposefully held back.

Embarrassed-Safe-670 · 2024-10-24T21:25:16+00:00

Your responsibility for her ended when the papers were signed. Being a " good guy " does nothing but cost you money.

Ok_Calendar_6728 · 2024-10-24T16:42:34+00:00

To hell with them both. If he’s biologically related to her, he’s going to have some of the same negative traits. You have the pink slip on your life do whatever the hell you want.

Local_Initiative2024 · 2024-10-24T15:37:00+00:00

Is your ex-wife your son’s mother? Or a stepmother to him? As someone else already mentioned, helping out your son to give him more time to help out your ex-wife sounds reasonable. That way, you won’t have to deal with your ex-wife but you can make your son’s life easier.

NeverEndingConquest · 2024-10-24T14:28:38+00:00

Think about the future you. Looking back, how will you feel about this decision?

Another major consideration… do you have another woman in your life? How will this affect her and your relationship with her?

stent00 · 2024-10-24T14:07:22+00:00

Sometimes saying NO osnthe right thing ro do.

THX1138-22 · 2024-10-24T12:43:45+00:00

Maybe you can help the situation by helping your son, not your ex-wife, and this way your son can have more time to devote to his mother. Perhaps you could do groceries for your son, cook, meals for him, or do other chores. This way he has time freed up to help his mother, and you can show him how much you love him. Tell him that your mother likely does not want to see you, and it will make this difficult time even more difficult for her if you suddenly appeared, but by helping him, you can help her.

P36x9 · 2024-10-24T12:17:10+00:00

Ok let’s be a little bit human here. If your ex was a kind and good human being man. I would go beyond helping her. There are people from my past I would do that for and would care for them because they impacted my life so profoundly and never really hurt me.

Now if she is the kind who hired a lawyer and dragged your ass through the court making you look like a bad father and bad human being it’s different. I would say fuck her, let that bitch die.

FUMoney · 2024-10-24T11:40:02+00:00

I would refuse. This is not your son's call. You became separate independent adults upon divorce. Leave it there.

Sea_Emu_4259 · 2024-10-24T11:26:58+00:00

Depending on the price, if not helping her means cutting ties with your son, I would help her just enough to make him happy.
Can you elaborate on " he wants me to help out"? Stay there many hours per day? or just bring some meds once per week? There is helping & helping.

Another alternative is that you could reduce the workload of your son if he stays hours with her so he could stay more with her & you are helping him that way. So yo still help her indirectly but at least if the issue is just dont want to see her, that would cover this case.

GreenCod8806 · 2024-10-24T10:30:46+00:00

A sick wife sounds like a husband problem. And you my friend are no longer her husband. She doesn’t get the benefits of a partnership without being a true partner.

Your son might want you to help. You do not have to. It’s your relationship, you get to choose.

Help in other ways if you have ro but do not physically do it yourself. Hire help once a week/once a month not fucking every day. You were a part of her life but you’re not beholden to her for the rest of yours.

If the tables were turned ask yourself if she would—probably not.

I know. I been there, refused care at the lowest point without a second fucking thought.

Exactly65536 · 2024-10-24T10:16:16+00:00

Whether you have a moral obligation to help her depends on how you divorced. Did she betray you? Did she cheat? Did she leave because she can do better without you? Many scenarios would wipe out any moral debt you might have had. Some would not.

But it's not her requesting help, it's your son. You are considering helping him, not helping her.

ww3historian · 2024-10-24T07:33:14+00:00

Has she been with any guy since you divorced? If no, then you should help her. If yes, then she is for the streets

NotObamaAMA · 2024-10-24T06:59:15+00:00

You’re allowed to say no when people ask you for stuff. Doesn’t make you a bad person.

I think you should definitely have a discussion with your son about it though, why he thinks you should, why you think you shouldn’t. Nobody has to be right or wrong, but it might help both of you to hear the other’s point of view.

Best of luck.

Rollercoaster72 · 2024-10-24T06:18:56+00:00

That‘s a hard question. It depends. There is a slight chance that your relation with your son gets a bit better. There are no guarantees that this will happen. He’s your son, if your ex dies he only has you left…

I personally presumably wouldn’t do it.

HereinPA1 · 2024-10-24T05:07:12+00:00

I am going to assume she’s the one to initiate the divorce? If so, this is the life she chose and she chose not to have you in it. This is what divorce means, she is no longer your concern or responsibility.

You’re obviously a good person for even posting this and I appreciate where you’re coming from, but you being there as a support person is something you would have done as her husband, but you’re not anymore.

You are not a bad person.

stupididiot78 · 2024-10-24T05:01:54+00:00

When I was married, my ex got cancer right after she turned 30. I went to every single doctor appointment. She was in and out of the hospital for months, and there was a grand total of one night that I didn't spend up there with her. Even her friends that didn't like me talked about how lucky she was to have me taking care of her. The cancer was caused by some weird genetic thing that runs in her family. It causes cancers and all kinds of GI issues. Her doctor told her that she was going to have GI issues and cancers for the rest of her life. Even with all that I did, I still felt like I wanted to do even more to care for her, so (I'm not making this up) I walked away from a really good career as a network engineer (how many people are able to buy a pretty decent house in a pretty decent neighborhood on one income when they're in their late 20s?), went back to school, and became a nurse. That's the entire reason why I'm an RN now.

Then she cheated on me with a guy she worked with who would post on Facebook about how dinosaurs were on Noah's ark and we got divorced because that was what she wanted.

A year or so later, I heard that she was having problems again. She'd had at least one abdominal surgery, couldn't work, and was having a hard time with her health. My first instinct was to go running over there to take care of her.

I didn't. I didn't do a damn thing. She didn't want me around anymore. All I was doing was respecting her wishes. If she needs help, she can get her little boyfriend to do that shit. I'm out and I don't feel even the least bit guilty about it all.

stupididiot78 · 2024-10-24T04:49:56+00:00

When I was married, my ex got cancer right after she turned 30. I went to every single doctor appointment. She was in and out of the hospital for months, and there was a grand total of one night that I didn't spend up there with her. Even her friends that didn't like me talked about how lucky she was to have me taking care of her. The cancer was caused by some weird genetic thing that runs in her family. It causes cancers and all kinds of GI issues. Her doctor told her that she was going to have GI issues and cancers for the rest of her life. Even with all that I did, I still felt like I wanted to do even more to care for her, so (I'm not making this up) I walked away from a really good career as a network engineer (how many people are able to buy a pretty decent house in a pretty decent neighborhood on one income when they're in their late 20s?), went back to school, and became a nurse. That's the entire reason why I'm an RN now.

Then she cheated on me with a guy she worked with who would post on Facebook about how dinosaurs were on Noah's ark and we got divorced because that was what she wanted.

A year or so later, I heard that she was having problems again. She'd had at least one abdominal surgery, couldn't work, and was having a hard time with her health. My first instinct was to go running over there to take care of her.

I didn't. I didn't do a damn thing. She didn't want me around anymore. All I was doing was respecting her wishes. If she needs help, she can get her little boyfriend to do that shit. I'm out and I don't feel even the least bit guilty about it all.

techrmd3 · 2024-10-24T03:37:35+00:00

No you are not a bad person for realizing that the spouse that you had a pledge with ENDED that pledge and after becoming sicker and poorer now needs help. After ending the pledge of lifetime fealty of course.

The best way I have heard to navigate this is to help the son. (or children) and NOT directly help the exspouse. It is certain your son will NOT understand why you consider his mom a stranger to you now. If the roles were reversed and it was the dad that needed help I can tell you from personal observed experience, the mom ain't helping out.

I would sit your son down and say to him that you love and will support HIM as he is family still. But his mom went through a very painful divorce that ended her being family to you. So NO you will not help his mom directly. And ask for his understanding and hope that this will not hurt your father son relationship.

I ALSO would print out a set of marital vows and show them to your son the "for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part" lines might be highlighted. Explain to your son that X number of years ago on Date Y his mother made a pledge before people and religious authorities. State you feel she broke that pledge with divorce and now Dad does not have to honor the pledge of taking care of mom "in sickness" now. And that's just the way it is. Explain to him that people make pledges all the time and the value of a Man's word is precious. Ask him to contemplate on the karmic or religious implications of his mom's situation.

I think this will be a learning experience and a good establishment of your boundaries.

HistoricalRich280 · 2024-10-24T03:35:22+00:00

Would you like a closer relationship with your son? Perhaps look at this as an opportunity to support him rather than your ex. I would not directly take on the care giving of your ex. But if your son is assisting with her care, perhaps you could go with him for emotional support once or twice, take him for something to eat. Make sure that he is being taken care of. Be his shoulder to lean on.

For your ex, I would keep direct care to something you might do to assist a more distant friend or relative. Maybe a card or run a quick errand. Not weeks of direct care.

And frame it for your son as “I absolutely want to support YOU son, and of course I will always care for your mother. Because of our history, I can’t be available to be her direct caregiver, but I would be willing to ….(decide what you are willing to do if anything, even sending prepped meals to your son)

warwww · 2024-10-24T03:30:41+00:00

You can still care on a human level, also it doesn’t have to be to the extent that your son explicitly “requires”.

Although my ex tried to put me in jail on false accusations on a human level I wouldn’t refuse her the basic necessities etc and would help her to retain and keep basic human dignity. Beyond that there’s very little I can do.

Again, explain to your son that you’re sorry about the condition of his mom as it would teach him empathy and compassion but you cannot move near her as he wants. You can help maybe by being a strong rock for him to lean on.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-10-24T03:16:38+00:00

What are the expectations? I'd consider doing it for my son, provided there are clear boundaries. From his perspective, you will appear inhumane if you don't.

dnbndnb · 2024-10-24T03:14:29+00:00

I doubt my ex-wife would do a thing to help me based on her behavior during times I had health issues. So if she were having health issues now I wouldn’t lift a finger to help her.

If yours would help you, you might consider if for the sake of your son. However if she were destructive and insensitive I’d say pass.

BuddhistChrist · 2024-10-24T03:05:03+00:00

No. Not your monkey. Not your circus.

jog515 · 2024-10-24T02:48:20+00:00

You have to do what you think is good. Good is always a matter of perspective. You are #1.

modernmanagement · 2024-10-24T02:37:29+00:00

You're not a bad person, but you might feel the need to be a good role model to your son. I'd do anything for my kids. If they asked me to help them care for their mother, I probably would do what I reasonably could for their sake. I'd not want them to have to feel alone in that struggle. But that's me. Otherwise, you need to explain to your son the reasons why you can't so he can understand your boundaries.

981AG · 2024-10-24T02:05:39+00:00

You dont need to help your ex-wife in anyway whatsoever…….you may want to help your son with a wake up call of reality….fill in some of the details that he is un aware of and help him to see the gift of delegation of resources when dealing with health crisis. His alliance with you is a fringe benefit …..healthy care giving and boundaries are possible for his self interest

TheNattyJew · 2024-10-24T02:03:49+00:00

What exactly is your son asking you to do?

AirSailer · 2024-10-24T02:00:20+00:00

You're divorced, you're not responsible for her health beyond whatever is in the divorce agreement/order.

Once you start it will be very hard to stop and not become the bad guy. What exactly is your son expecting you to do for her?

TXJohn83 · 2024-10-24T01:39:33+00:00

You split for a reason... she needs to learn to plan for her own care at this point in her life.

Honestly you have no obligation to care for your ex, and it does not make you a bad person for not doing it.

willfortune7 · 2024-10-24T01:39:29+00:00

Hell nah. Do what u feel bro. I agree wit what people saying as far as it depends. But it’s on you. Your son’s gonna understand when he gets older and he’ll choose his own way.

fixingmedaybyday · 2024-10-24T01:21:54+00:00

I don’t think you’re a bad person. You have to guard yourself now from the hurt she caused you. If it were me, I’d be hesitant. I’d also be scared of seeing her ill and all the feelings that would bring back and scared of my heart softening for her. I’d have thoughts of possible reconciliation to the point that maybe she’ll actually maybe say “I’m sorry” and “thank you.” But other than that. I don’t know why I’d do it. I doubt she’d do it for me.

NotUsedUsernameYet · 2024-10-24T01:21:40+00:00

Depends on circumstances. My cheating ex-wife won’t get any help from me.

0neMinute · 2024-10-24T01:19:24+00:00

Depends, what was the reason for divorce and was she a terror on the way out? Ie affair partner etc

SnooDucks2052 · 2024-10-24T01:16:18+00:00

I wouldn’t say you a bad person but it’s a bit selfish.

Title	My son wants me to take care of my sick ex-wife
Author	Zealousideal-Let1344
Upvotes	40
Comments	57
Date	October 24, 2024 1:14 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1gaqs8a/my_son_wants_me_to_take_care_of_my_sick_exwife/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/my-son-wants-me-to-take-care-of-my-sick-ex-wife.1532723 https://theredarchive.com/post/1532723

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