Women who date men: What would hurt more—your male partner cheating with a woman or a man? And why?

S0yslut · 2025-02-09T22:20:36+00:00

I’ve been cheated on before, the gender would not have mattered. My pain stemmed from the realization that someone I cared deeply about had 0 regard for my emotional and physical well being. That fact revealed I had no idea who my best friend and lover was, and that was terrifying. So I don’t see how the gender would have made anything better or worse.

The gender would matter if I had interest in “fixing” or “maintaining” a relationship with a cheater. Which isn’t something I’m interested in.

MyLastBestChance · 2025-02-09T22:00:24+00:00

I’d be more hurt if it was a man because not only would he be betraying and destroying our relationship, it would also mean that he has been lying about and hiding a fundamental truth about himself (assuming that he had never disclosed that he was bisexual) and who he is from day one which means that the entire relationship was a lie from the beginning.

Either way, the relationship is over. No exceptions, no excuses.

A committed partner cheating doesn’t mean that you’re inadequate, it means that they are.

They are selfish and lack the courage and integrity to either maintain their word and fidelity or to end the relationship before indulging their desires.

Just because they don’t respect or love you, it doesn’t mean that you are unworthy of, or undeserving of, that respect and love.

Flightlessbirbz · 2025-02-09T22:38:20+00:00

My husband told me he was bi within our first month of dating, so it would make zero difference to me either way. Cheating is cheating and always a dealbreaker. But I feel like if a man claims to be straight then cheats with a man, that’s like a double betrayal, and therefore going to be more upsetting. She may wonder if he’s gay and she was just a beard the whole time.

Sillysheila · 2025-02-10T04:05:16+00:00

With a woman. I know I’m in the minority but here’s my reasoning:

Women require much more effort to get in bed than men and it’s much more likely that she has a romantic connection with him in my opinion.

Also she can get pregnant. Can’t get a man pregnant.

I would be upset regardless though

Training_Hold_1354 · 2025-02-09T22:49:31+00:00

I’d be more hurt if it was a woman.

kalashhhhhhhh · 2025-02-10T01:07:42+00:00

With a woman, no doubt. I'd doubt myself much more and I'd be eay more insecure. I'd compare myself to her to death.

I don't even see same sex kissing as cheating

toasterchild · 2025-02-09T21:53:44+00:00

It's very unlikely that one single person will satisfy your every sexual desire. If you can't deal with that then you shouldn't be in a committed relationship. Commitment doesn't mean the person you're with will meet your every desire, it means you choose being with them over exploring other options. It wouldn't make a difference to me either way but I'd he tried to justify it sayig a guy offered him something I couldn't Id actually be more upset because it's manipulative.

overandunderX · 2025-02-09T23:40:53+00:00

With a woman. We have the same equipment so cheating with a woman means that mine wasn’t good enough. But if it was with a man, I just didn’t have the equipment he wanted.

Barneysparky · 2025-02-09T22:04:43+00:00

Like a lot of men, I fetishize the opposite sex making out with each other.

I would have zero problem with my partner having a buddy that he has set with, as long as I was sometimes involved.

Cheating with a woman? I would be devastated.

leosandlattes · 2025-02-09T22:03:53+00:00

It’s worse if I get cheated on with a man. It makes me think I was just being used as a beard.

RecognitionSoft9973 · 2025-02-10T03:05:57+00:00

I’d rather have him cheat on me with a man. Honestly that reveal wouldn’t even make me mad; I’d be intrigued. And heartbroken… would definitely have me questioning my looks even more than I already do. But him cheating on me with a woman would probably mess me up more. I feel like it would be easier for me to handwave a same-sex affair. There are still so many closeted people in the world. Even if he was my ideal partner I’d want him to be happy… and out of the closet. If he has a history of this then I’d be heartbroken the same as if he’d cheated on me with a woman.

False-Purple3882 · 2025-02-10T00:17:54+00:00

I’d be more offended if they cheated with a man. But I’d feel more offended if a woman cheated on me with a man too.

If they cheat on me with another woman it means they just didn’t like me that much. If they cheat on me with a man it means entering into the relationship was self defeating to begin with because I would never be able to give them what they actually wanted.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2025-02-10T00:49:25+00:00

If the person claimed to be straight, I'd probably be more hurt if they cheated with a same-sex partner. It wouldn't just be the shitty feeling of being cheated on, it would be the added hurt of wondering whether that person lied to you about who they were, if they were even attracted to you in the first place, if they weren't just using you to present a certain image to the world. That's a lot of sucky thoughts and feelings to deal with at once.

If I knew the person was bi, I don't think it would matter if the person they cheated with was a guy or a girl. It would be awful and it would have its' own share of questions (wasn't I enough, why did he do that) but I'd say it would be slightly better than the other option.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2025-02-10T03:44:38+00:00

You don’t want me, I don’t care who it is you don’t want me for

Fab_Glam_Obsidiam · 2025-02-11T18:58:03+00:00

I'd be able to at least rationalize him cheating with a man as him getting something that I'm not able to provide. Him cheating on another woman would just be a rejection of me, so that would be worse.

ExcitementLow4699 · 2025-02-09T23:24:26+00:00

So, the rules are kind of different in my relationship. My husband has permission to sleep with other people as long as: - 1.) they are not crazy, - 2.) they are not an ex, - 3.) they have been verified as STD-free (as much as one reasonably can) - 4) Every reasonable effort to practice multiple methods of contraception are made. - 5.) If he starts feeling any sort of romantic bond for someone who is not mutually interested in both of us, I expect him to stop seeing that person immediately.

This goes for both men and women, and I feel equally neutral about extramarital partners within these bounds.

Outside of the bounds... There are some considerations. - 1.) I'm not sure who is more dangerous: crazy men, with their greater physical abilities, or crazy women, with their greater emotionality. (So lets call that a tie.) - 2.) My husband has never been with/dated other men, as far as I'm aware, but he does have children from a prior marriage. I would be significantly more devastated if he cheated with her than with a man with whom he had a secret history, because that seems like a greater betrayal and threat to our marriage. (One point for women, here.) - 3.) Transmission of STDs is statistically more common with heterosexual encounters because men are less likely to use barrier methods of contraception, and because anal sex tends to create microtears and direct bodily-fluid-to-bloodstream contact. So I'd be slightly more worried if he had unprotected sex with a man of unverified STD status. (One point for men.) - 4.) Obviously if he is having unprotected sex, there is a risk of pregnancy if if's with a woman rather than a man. (Another point for women.) - 5.) Honestly, I'd be much more worried about him bonding with a man, just thinking about how deep non-romantic bonds between men can be. It's just different, and that'd be something I probably couldn't give him. (Another point for men.)

That's three points each, for men and women. I know it's kind of a non-answer, but I think it's gonna have to be "it's equal but different" for me.

OrganicAd5450 · 2025-02-09T23:13:24+00:00

What no one is willing to say is that most people have a sense or revulsion for two men having sex that they don't have for women. The idea that your man was sucking another man's dick or being penetrated is more than I most women would be able to take, which is why you're getting the responses you have been getting from women. Him penetrating another man's ass is also awful but less revolting.

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IcyTrapezium · 2025-02-09T23:44:01+00:00

A woman. If it’s with a man I can’t compare myself to the man physically.

kayceeplusplus · 2025-02-10T03:44:42+00:00

I agree with your logic. Another woman would be worse.

Sadsad0088 · 2025-02-10T07:12:04+00:00

More hurt if he went with a woman because him going with a man would be a huge turn off, I wouldn’t have married him if I knew he was bisexual.

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2025-02-10T10:51:10+00:00

With a man he might be confussed, migt be homosexual/bisexual in denial. Might be confussed about his sexuality and have desire to try something else... It might not be evil from him, he can be genuinely confussed about his sexuality. But even if he is bi and monogamous he still is still locked with only one gender when he finds his forever person. But even so if he he bisexual in denial and never tried it it's still understandable that he is discovering his sexuality and couldn't ressit trying something that I just can't give him.

With a woman it's a personal evil doing against me.

With a woman it hurts more, there is absolutely no excuse, cheating is absolutely evil. But I can have understanding if he is homo/bisexual in denial discovering his homesexuality. It's not cheating for the sake of cheating, it's to resolve situation he is genuinelly confused about.

Both would hurt of course. But cheating for the sake of cheating with another woman is way worse than being confussed about his sexuality.

Disastrous-Chart-928 · 2025-02-10T10:52:00+00:00

If it was a woman I'd just self delete, if it was a man and I'd just be severely confused, like if he was the top I'd probably get over it with some work... maybe but if he was the bottom I'd never be able to look him at him again.

This is so funny to me idk why

attendquoi · 2025-02-10T13:28:22+00:00

It wouldn't make a difference for me. The issue is the lying.

Sophiatab · 2025-02-10T15:41:22+00:00

I know cheating with another women would cause infinitely more pain. If I caught him cheating with a man, I would think, okay he's gay or bisexual and this is just something I could never give him, and we could divorce rather easily. Probably even become casual friends afterwards. Cheating with another woman, that's rejecting me personally, not my anatomy, and my mission in life becomes to destroy his life.

Werevulvi · 2025-02-11T09:45:09+00:00

I've dated several bisexual men but never been cheated on (to my knowledge) so I can only answer in theory, but I think generally it wouldn't matter to me, but similarly to you in reverse I think I'd feel slightly worse if he cheated with another woman. Because I'm not male, I don't have a penis, so if that's what my partner was craving I can't be all that mad about it. But if it's another woman he wanted, then I'd have much more of a reason to feel like I must have failed in some way. At least if it was about sex. If it was about love/romance, ie he falls in love with another person, then I think either sex would hurt just as much.

RoseyButterflies · 2025-02-12T12:39:50+00:00

What hurts is being lied to and not told about it and the sneaking around.

I outright told my partner they can see others just be honest about it, no sneaking around.

throwawaylessons103 · 2025-02-09T23:52:21+00:00

Finding out about a man would hurt me more, because I’d be very fearful about STDs.

I understand you can still get STDs via heterosexual sex, but HIV is the one that scares me the most and gay/bi men who are promiscuous are far more likely to contract it.

NoDanaOnlyZuuI · 2025-02-09T22:54:45+00:00

Cheating is cheating. Cheating with a man is cheating and lying.

Title	Women who date men: What would hurt more—your male partner cheating with a woman or a man? And why?
Author	Grow_peace_in_Bedlam
Upvotes	23
Comments	154
Date	February 9, 2025 9:42 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1ilq1yq/women_who_date_men_what_would_hurt_moreyour_male/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/women-who-date-men-what-would-hurt-moreyour-male.1543409 https://theredarchive.com/post/1543409

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