“You cant love someone until you love yourself” is a lie.

platinirisms · 2025-02-20T13:49:53+00:00

I’ve always rejected this idea. But to add to this, I kinda also reject the “Love is not going to fix your issues” part too. As that’s heavily dependent on what issues that person has.

For me personally, getting into my first relationship at 26 years old basically cured my low self esteem issues. I don’t think most people realise just how lonely and even scary it is to go your entire life with constant rejection and live with the idea that nobody will ever love you (and thus thinking something must be wrong with you).

Getting into a relationship basically destroyed that issue entirely. Even today I’m single and I don’t really care, because I know that if I want to get into a relationship, I can. It’s happened before so it’ll happen again. That kind of confidence can be extremely healthy for someone who had low self esteem, and it’s not something a forever alone person can just magically obtain.

Imaginary_BeachTea · 2025-02-20T21:32:34+00:00

The majority of women in that group who had JUST got out the mental hospital were happily married

And the men in that group?

ACE_Overlord · 2025-02-20T07:24:50+00:00

"Love yourself like you like your BFF." -Some southern guru lady off Youtube.

I liked her advice and took it to heart. I love my BFF 2 death.

LaloTwinsDa2nd · 2025-02-20T13:57:33+00:00

You were in intensive therapy? Hmm 👀

Local-Willingness784 · 2025-02-20T16:30:04+00:00

The majority of women in that group who had JUST got out the mental hospital were happily married. Its just they have intense trauma from other things that triggered self loathing and suicidal tendencies.

i dont know if this shows how low the standard is for men or if it shows how easy this whole thing is for women, I guess both are the same thing, at the end of the day.

Cool_Ocelot6911 · 2025-02-20T07:49:39+00:00

all those criminals/abusers that are in relationships are in them because they love themselves!

if someone says "just bee yourself" or "you have to love yourself first" never go to them for advice again

Slow-Narwhal486 · 2025-02-20T08:10:27+00:00

I think self esteem is important to cultivate prior to dating. I’ve put up with some bullshit back in the day because I thought I couldn’t do any better. Perhaps it’s just a matter of how low

But you’re right, a relationship never fixes things like mental health issues. Honestly I was more depressed when I was in a relationship because I felt like I couldn’t be a good girlfriend on top of everything else. And I know I couldn’t have done certain things I had to do to heal if I was in a relationship. I wouldn’t say I’m 100% healed or even close to it, I don’t think that possible, but I’m healed enough to cope with many things that used to feel impossible.

I think there’s just a point where self esteem can be too low- and a relationship would likely be too damaging. Everyone is different though

Electric_Death_1349 · 2025-02-20T08:40:06+00:00

Correction - low self-esteem is not going to stop women from having a love life; as with all dating advice, women are exempt, because a woman can still be an obese schizophrenic with chronic debt and still find a partner.

If you’re a man, then low self esteem is going to cripple your dating prospects, because there are few things women loathe more than a man who is quite/shy/introverted. That’s not to say it’s an insurmountable barrier, but if you’re not a cocky, loud, arrogant douche bag who thinks he’s God’s gift to women, you are going to struggle.

Junior_Box_2800 · 2025-02-21T01:20:25+00:00

Funny how it was women in those hospitals who had happy relationships...god shit is so easy for y'all lmao

girlypop_xo · 2025-02-20T07:21:09+00:00

Yess! We're all imperfect and I dont know a lot of people who love themselves fully but it shouldn't stop them from dating. I see a lot of people postponing dating, waiting until they achieve something or feel ready but that day never really comes. Self improvement is a lifelong journey and we're never really 100% prepared for big life steps like starting relationships, marriages, kids, etc. I think there's something to be said about diving in with no fear that works well

Flightlessbirbz · 2025-02-20T21:21:33+00:00

The danger of dating when you don’t love yourself is that you might accept poor treatment because you think you deserved it.

However, I do agree that you can love someone else without loving yourself (or at least not always loving yourself). It’s generally accepted that you can still love your family while suffering from low self-esteem and mental health issues, so yes you can love a partner too.

Also agree that love won’t fix your issues. Having support can definitely help, whether that’s a supportive romantic partner or other supportive individuals. But it won’t fix you, and depending on how severe the issues are, can damage your relationship.

ixdtechs · 2025-02-20T22:16:29+00:00

Snoop dogg once rapped 🎵 “How can I, love somebody else, when I can’t, LOVE MYSELF TO KNOW….(what’s) bad for me”

musicissoulfood · 2025-02-20T15:44:47+00:00

I was once placed into intensive group therapy.

Doesn't surprise me one bit, you always seemed completely unhinged. Which raises the question: why did they let you go?

thedarkracer · 2025-02-20T10:31:51+00:00

Looks like you meet the words I heard from someone else.

They said people who don't love themselves have a lot of love to give. As they don't love themselves they aren't selfish at all and could not care about even hurting themselves if it means helping others so they love most truly and carelessly.

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BearSpray007 · 2025-02-20T11:14:26+00:00

2 things can be true at the same time. Yes finding a lover wont fix your issues. And Yes you DO have to be able to love yourself, before you can try and love someone else. And no loving yourself doesn’t mean you are perfect and problem free. But it does mean you are not toxically dependent on someone else to ride in and save you from yourself.

If you don’t know what loving yourself feels like you won’t know if the other person you’re trying to love is treating you well or you’re being abused, or if you’re even attracted to them for the right reason.

James_M_Croft · 2025-02-20T13:27:31+00:00

I am pretty sure the phrase is “You shouldn't love someone until you love yourself”.

Your whole post seem to be based on a misread advise.

ArtifactFan65 · 2025-02-20T14:33:05+00:00

If love can't fix your issues then neither will your "support system"

AssPlay69420 · 2025-02-20T16:01:15+00:00

It’s just another thing that makes you hate yourself more if you feel unlovable anyway.

There’s no reason to avoid mutually consensual relationships just because you don’t like yourself.

Plenty of people are fine with broken partners. It’s all just life.

lord-moo · 2025-02-20T16:13:06+00:00

do you need a snickers?

Tylikcat · 2025-02-20T17:22:05+00:00

Don't try to be perfect.

Do try to be better. And be aware of the way that you might be making your insecurities and low self esteem your partner's problem. If you're constantly worried that they're going to cheat and let them know that, look, that's just rude, not to mention it frequently shades over into abuse. Similarly, be aware how much reassurance you're asking for - some is fine. All the time is exhausting. (And also kind of self involved.)

(Look, I did a bit of this when I was seventeen. I mean, I was dating a twit who liked to tell me about how attractive he found other random women around us - though he fruck out when I joined him in admiring women and talked about which ones I found attractive. And it later turned out he lied about me behind my back. But it was also pretty useless - you can't plug holes in yourself with other people.* And asking for reassurance, and even getting it didn't make me feel better.

I got on with things, and focused on doing my own stuff and feeling good about that. And, of course, I developed a solid circle of female friends.

* Well, other than in the obvious way, ahem.)

cromulent_weasel · 2025-02-20T19:45:12+00:00

“You cant love someone until you love yourself” is a lie.

I don't know, I feel like if you don't love yourself you might not know what love is or have a very warped version of it in your head.

That aside, the SUBTEXT of that message is 'don't be a doormat and let yourself be abused while telling yourself it's because you love them'.

And 'don't let yourself be abused' is good advice.

Loving yourself SHOULD happen, but I think it just pushes people to think they have to be perfect and problem free to get a person.

Nah, love is imperfect and messy, and the older you get the more you realise that even while YOU have baggage you're carrying around, so does everyone else. Dating is about finding someone with matching (or complementary) baggage.

waffleznstuff30 · 2025-02-21T01:33:45+00:00

While I do agree that this is often a platitude said to single people. And it's said way too much because you do not know this person. And wanting a relationship isn't a self esteem issue. It's human nature. Needing a relationship to feel good about yourself is a self esteem issue.

I do think it is true, and it takes a lot of self awareness to get to that point. If you have a slew of agonizing talking stages, bad break ups, general bullshittery, and settling for less. YOU are likely the problem. It's not a hopeless romantic struggling to navigate the throes of modern dating, you struggle with self esteem issues. And continuously attract bad partners because you yourself will take what you can get. And until you fix that and recognize that pattern you are going to be plagued by dating issues and problematic relationships.

When you struggle with self esteem/self worth issues. Boundaries are non-existent. You lack them/and your partner can walk all over you. Or you become controlling, they have to do this they have to do that, if they don't do this. All governed by betrayal, rejection or abandonment. You over exert yourself to appease this person and in turn feel resentful when they don't have the same energy. You put way too much emphasis on a connection and become codependent and depend on your partner for emotional regulation. Instead of regulating yourself. You become insecure and fearful. And all of these do not work for healthy partnership. You can't articulate your needs or even begin to explore those because you are so enmeshed in what this other person thinks of you. And your sense of self and good enough is based upon this person's appraisal. And if it goes south it tanks you because YOU aren't good enough. And it's a vicious cycle. So working on building your self esteem and self worth is a good foundation for a healthy relationship.

DelDivision · 2025-02-21T16:55:01+00:00

This is very spot on and a sign that there's no real solution for someone whos unlucky in the dating depth. Hell as someone who frequented mental health forums growing up i saw the same pattern of anxious/agoraphobic/autisic women having partners while the men complained that no one wanted them.

This is why I push back on some of the "advice" given here. Cause it's either bootstraps talk that implies you got to be all together to have someone while I see others who struggle with way worse having partners. It's cruel and low key encourages self loathing by trying to put these men in a self improvement hamster wheel where they will never feel enough.

Adject_Ive · 2025-02-20T10:21:27+00:00

Rare lillth W

sevenrats · 2025-02-20T15:39:56+00:00

Rare Lilith W

Ok_Use7 · 2025-02-20T15:18:00+00:00

I disagree. Love from someone who doesn’t love themself doesn’t feel like actual love, it feels like a miserable chore.

I think it goes without saying that you don’t have to be problem free, literally no one is perfect.

However, I believe that not loving yourself in the sense that you have low self esteem places an insurmountable burden on the people that you date which eventually ruins relationships. This goes beyond trauma dumping or treating your lover as a therapist. In my experience, such low self esteem resulted in me being accused of cheating, not being able to be trusted, etc.

No sensible partner should have to deal with that.

Regardless, people can date however they want. Personally speaking, I would never date anyone that doesn’t love themself. I think doing so is stupid. From experience I’ve already been there and learned from those lessons. It’s miserable.

Don’t love yourself if you don’t want to but don’t expect people to date you and put up with the burdens that you impose.

iiiiiiiiiijjjjjj · 2025-02-20T09:45:43+00:00

Low self esteem is going to destroy whatever love life you have. Constantly putting yourself or accusing someone of cheating because you think they can do better gets very old very fast.

Title	“You cant love someone until you love yourself” is a lie.
Author	LillthOfBabylon
Upvotes	83
Comments	138
Date	February 20, 2025 7:06 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1itsn5r/you_cant_love_someone_until_you_love_yourself_is/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/you-cant-love-someone-until-you-love-yourself-is-a.1544398 https://theredarchive.com/post/1544398

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