Trying to pretend like you can vet someones character on a first date is very ignorant

Novadina · 2026-01-29T03:10:17+00:00

I found you can filter out a LOT of issues on date 1. For example, I have been on many dates where they were rude to the waitress, that is an immediate disqualifier for me. Other fun examples I have:

telling me they are married
asking if I would suck their dick under the table
talking about their “crazy ex” and mentioning she has a restraining order against him
trying to order dinner for me, especially fun as he wanted to order me meat and I’m a lifelong veg
having no interest in what I am saying, showing a disgust or bored face if I talk about my interests
blatantly staring at other women

If this is their best behavior I don’t want to see the rest!

Like 99% of men were filtered out on the first date. A few took until 3 dates, and all but 2 relationships took 6 months. 6 months is a good amount of vetting time, most people can’t keep up a mask that long and you start to come out of the honeymoon phase which helps to see things more clearly.

ladybird_00 · 2026-01-29T01:20:13+00:00

All the more reason not to have sex quickly

Zabadoodude · 2026-01-29T01:28:48+00:00

You absolutely can. You just can't be 100% accurate with it, that is true even after months of knowing them, though, of course, your assessment of them will become more accurate as you get to know them more.

Firstly "best behaviour" is relative. Different people value different things. They may present a side of them they see as neutral, or even good, but you might see as bad.

Most people are also pretty bad at lying or faking large parts of their personality. If you talk to a lot of people you will learn to pick up on these subtle signs.

Of course, some people just don't have the skills or experience to vet effectively. That doesn't make them bad people, but it doesn't mean everyone else is faking it.

Thinking back to my impression of my gf after our first date, and it was pretty accurate.

ta06012022 · 2026-01-29T01:40:33+00:00

trying to pretend like you can decide if someone is “kind, caring, attentive, humble, etc etc etc” is meaningless on a first date.

One date isn’t enough to determine that someone is all those things, but it can be enough to determine that a person isn’t those things. I’ve had some first dates where enough red flags were flying that there was no reason for a second date. Like okay she’s hot but has nothing else going for her.

So really to start vetting on the first date, then you vet more on the second date, and so on into a relationship.

mashedturnip · 2026-01-29T01:08:18+00:00

Blatantly awful, impatient, slovenly, uncaring, thirsty, anxious, boring, entitled, desperate, bigoted, strange, uninterested, etc, is quite a lot of people, did you know?

Lift_and_Lurk · 2026-01-29T02:09:28+00:00

The first date is to determine if there are red flags AND if there are green flags. And when people still aren’t sure but they saw a lot of green flags they do this insane thing called: a second date!!!

Sorryimjustsaying · 2026-01-29T01:44:55+00:00

That’s when you establish a baseline, very important for any kind of continuing evaluation.

First established data point means a threshold was passed. Next data point is good for comparison to the first.

dxfifa · 2026-01-29T02:49:55+00:00

People are stupid, the worst people are generally the best at masking, mirroring and imitating confidence, competence and charisma cues. As well as mixing in lying, white lies, exaggeration, minimisation and general machiavellian and superficial behaviour to guide people's perception. That's why normies who just get by on social skills naturally and never have to think deeply about it and really consider what is going on are absolutely terrible at recruitment, dating, are vulnerable to marketing and sales by people and constantly have very poor judgement in regards to coworkers, friends, family to go along with romantic partners and choosing people to do business with as mentioned before.

I get it wrong plenty, especially with my own lack of masking or inappropriate and norm pushing behaviour, however I am incredibly analytical and intuitive with people, but I don't stick to my intuition then forget all the times I was wrong, I keep gathering and refining. Still I get conned and make both short and long term misreads on people, but it is getting rarer and rarer. I can be both more accurate and more humble about my people reading than the thoughtless autopilot normies who continuously put antisocial people in trusted positions and reward those who are parasitic and destructive, and who it can be seen quickly if you push the right buttons (most of them). You just have to refuse to be predictable, set bait, listen well, keep assessing behaviour against itself and push against norms while being friendly and open. I'd say almost all antisocial people will give at least big red flags if not smoking guns within an hour if you do that

Jonesdm5 · 2026-01-29T06:05:47+00:00

First dates are for ruling OUT more than ruling in. Are they as attractive in person? Are they being rude to you or the staff? Are they only talking about themselves and not engaging with you at all? A first date can show you what you immediate red flags

Reganishererobake · 2026-01-29T01:22:05+00:00

You may not know entirely who or what someone is, but you do get an idea of someone’s character by the way they walk, sit, stand, the way they speak to you or waitstaff, the way they dress, do their makeup, fix their hair, types of jewelry, nail polish, nail length, the condition of their skin, condition of their teeth, the bag they carry, phone case, the jewelry they wear, visible tattoos etc. You learn an incredible amount of information about someone just by seeing them, and this information is more telling than the persona they’ve put on for you.

Sure there are things that you fake but they would be incapable of faking every single little detail.

Ok_Use7 · 2026-01-29T01:40:49+00:00

You literally can. I think observing what's in front of you is so easy that it doesn't even take psychoanalyzing,

Everyone is not on their best behavior on first dates. And even if so, reasonable people don't struggle to see through the facade.

TheHandymanCan- · 2026-01-29T07:12:26+00:00

If they’re an ass you can filter them out. If they seem like a good person, suspend judgment.

John_Oakman · 2026-01-29T02:34:16+00:00

In early 21st century dating scene, the first physical/RL date is supposed to be the cumulation point after significant time & effort have already been invested in online interaction (and not of the anonymous variety, but one in which [in theory] between real individuals presenting as themselves). Thus, it is not the first foray into the unknown, but the gathering of additional information to either reinforce (or discredit) previous gathered information.

Ronniebbb · 2026-01-29T04:55:30+00:00

Sometimes you can for like major red and green flags. But usually it takes a couple more dates.

However, sometimes you just know you don't vibe with someone on any leve

coochie4sale · 2026-01-29T06:59:56+00:00

I can’t say “oh this person will definitely be my partner” but I can tell if they won’t be my partner and honestly, that’s good enough.

A lot of first dates have taught me that the traits you identify and have an icky feeling about, show up in other dates and they don’t really go away. Obviously you won’t like some traits, but some are more consequential and damaging to a relationship than others.

That said, perhaps in contradiction of my own point lol, I was a nervous mess on the most recent first date I went on, I stammered on and on, and forgot questions because I am unfortunately really, really nervous around women I find highly attractive, and my date didn’t look like her pictures at all…she looked much much better. Somehow, she came away enjoying my presence and we’ve been texting ever since. I think it’s a good thing that she showed grace towards me imao.

wtknight · 2026-01-29T13:19:23+00:00

It’s easy to vet bad parts of someone’s personality that they are either so bad that they can’t disguise them, or that they are too lazy or unaware to disguise, though.

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Due_Appointment_1188 · 2026-01-29T07:31:18+00:00

I'm not vetting character date one, I'm looking to see if we're incompatible. As in I won't filter anyone in, but I can easily filter someone out.

People can fake any trait for a couple hours but they can't fake their baseline wiring.

Of course I won't be able to tell how kind she is, but I will be able to paint a pretty accurate picture of how her Saturday evenings look like.

anewleaf1234 · 2026-01-29T07:33:49+00:00

You get a snap shot and then that picture becomes clearer by the interaction.

Like all interactions.

But you can see red flags.

the_scar_when_you_go · 2026-01-29T14:20:39+00:00

Incomplete information is useful information. With the exception of arranged marriage, no one is getting a, "yes," after a first date. Just a, "no," or an, "I'd like to see more."

Debetrius180 · 2026-01-29T15:35:32+00:00

On the flip side tho, people are much more honest when they don’t have a stake, or at least feel like they do. I actually feel like you can get some great nuggets and insights on the person in those first couple of meetings.

matthedev · 2026-01-29T19:59:14+00:00

As a man, getting dates from the online dating apps doesn't happen as often as it does for women, and I like to move things in person quickly because I can't really get a good feel for attraction and compatibility from a few photos, a profile blurb, and a few text messages anyway, so I'd rather just have move to a date in person and gauge compatibility there (obviously there are some things in a profile that are an immediate left-swipe).

It's surprising how many people let major character flaws or other red flags rip on a first date, so yes, people could hide them, but in practice, plenty of people don't bother.

Disastrous_Agent9307 · 2026-01-29T21:32:39+00:00

I dunno, I've never had trouble being able to sort people by a first date. I've just had trouble sticking to the observations because I was lonely, bored, or curious. But I tend to be one of those that thinks it was all there like a thriller in the first chapter (or first date). Nothing was hidden, it just may not have been seen.

But the more observant you are, the more you can easily vet a person on a first date. People roleplay themselves consistently.

Barely-moral · 2026-01-29T01:17:57+00:00

Why are you vetting on the first date? Why aren't you vetting before?

Why would you ever go into a date without knowing enough about this person so you can skip the bullshit?

By the moment you are dating you are already at risk of developing feelings that cloud your judgement. That is why you should vet before dating.

Academic-Ball-9606 · 2026-01-29T04:13:36+00:00

Its simple: attractive: tingles

Not attractive: no spark

Reasonable_Mouse789 · 2026-01-29T01:57:00+00:00

Who cares? I’m pretty sure literally all women on Tinder at a college will sleep with the right guy on a first date. This is the most basic behavior that almost any person good looking enough can try to confirm.

Women don’t look like individuals to me. They look like a 3 hour timer that vaguely resembles one of my previous girlfriends and flirts with me. Psychopathic or autistic of me to say, sure, but it somewhat shows how I see getting sex from a random sober woman off Tinder. It’s also mostly the same thing with people in daily life, although they’d have to give me some IOI for me to consider trying it.

I’d have sex with most healthy women. A woman having sex with me is like getting a match on Tinder after mass swiping (although it’s probably much easier to get sex out of a match than it is to match with someone, in that you wouldn’t have to talk to more than a few people). I’ll just see which women sleep with me, and then vet them later.

Title	Trying to pretend like you can vet someones character on a first date is very ignorant
Author	Iron-Wild-41
Upvotes	54
Comments	80
Date	January 29, 2026 1:00 AM UTC (5 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1qpty2s/trying_to_pretend_like_you_can_vet_someones/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/trying-to-pretend-like-you-can-vet-someones.1572181 https://theredarchive.com/post/1572181

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