What do you define as cheating?

darla10 · 2018-08-23T14:11:51+00:00

If someone finds himself needing to HIDE interactions with other people (be they physical, emotional or digital) from their SO, they are cheating.

UsedAlgae · 2018-08-23T15:04:29+00:00

"Cheating" to me is either physical cheating, sexting, any directly sexual comments, or "emotional affairs". I don't really care if he meets someone he'll never see again and has a conversation where there's some chemistry going on, but without saying anything explicitly sexual. I also don't care if he develops a crush on someone on occasion, IMO that's kind of normal and I'm not the thought police, but I'd want him to realize it and make a point to minimize interaction with that person. I guess maintaining an online dating profile or intentionally sending out "I'm looking" signals in any way too - if you're lying about being single, pretending to be in an open relationship, or intentionally hiding interactions you've had with other girls, that is not OK.

Friends with exes, or close platonic relationships with other girls, I don't care about whatsoever.

321PK · 2018-08-23T13:23:40+00:00

Cheating= Anything that features a degree of intimacy that equals or exceeds the one we have. Period. He can like all the pics he wants, idc about that. Flirt a little? Idc about that either. Talk about crap I’m not interested in, idc about it, that’s ok too. Touching, sex of any kind, or discussion of private, intimate things about us and our relationship = THE END. Period.

littleeggwyf · 2018-08-23T13:29:52+00:00

Cheating

Forming a deep emotional bond with someone else

Sending naked pictures to someone other than me

Texting erotic messages to someone other than me

Maintaining an online dating profile

Not cheating but still bad

Spending time with their ex-partner

Casual flirting with someone other than me

Communicating with their ex

Not too bad

Thinking about someone other than me when having sex with me

Going out to dinner with someone who is the opposite sex

Fantasising about someone else

lefactorybebe · 2018-08-23T13:29:24+00:00

I'd say forming a deep emotional bond, naked pictures, texting erotic messages, and online dating.

I'd probably be uncomfortable with more than a neutral/aquantience like relationship with an ex. I'd be very uncomfortable if they were going to dinner with an ex, but wouldn't outright consider either of those cheating. It's somewhat dependent on the situation though, what happened with the ex. My boyfriend and I have hung out with an ex of his in the past (she's somewhat in our friend group) but they dated when he was a freshman in high school (he's 27 now) for a month and I think they kissed once, so not quite the same as a years long serious relationship lol.

And of course any physical contact beyond a hug I'd consider cheating.

Eartherry · 2018-08-23T16:07:11+00:00

Forming a deep emotional bond with someone else – 55%

Why is this considered cheating? Do best friends count? Are we actually expected to ditch the long-term relationships we already have? Even if they're just platonic? That's crap!

wekacuck · 2018-08-23T13:49:42+00:00

Don't give a the smallest shit about:

Fantasising about someone else

Thinking about someone other than me when having sex with me

Don't care unless she acts shady / starts being disrespectful toward me (Generally these are things that do bother me at some level but I have decided they should not bother me and it's my problem to hamster it):

Going out to dinner with someone who is the opposite sex

Casual flirting with someone other than me

Not OK without disclosure, permission and clear boundaries (i.e. it wouldn't be cheating):

Communicating with their ex

Maintaining an online dating profile

Spending time with their ex-partner

Texting erotic messages to someone other than me

Sending naked pictures to someone other than me

Forming a deep emotional bond with someone else

Texastentialism · 2018-08-23T13:59:59+00:00

To me cheating is physical infidelity. I don't really believe in "emotional cheating". That just means they haven't fucked yet.

I think there are plenty of things that are inappropriate for a married person to do that don't necessarily count as "cheating". Going out to dinner or spending other intimate time with a person of the opposite sex would fall into that category. Getting another girl's phone number (again, to me that just says he intends to fuck her but hasn't yet). An ongoing flirtatious relationship with a female friend or co-worker (I'm not really bothered by casual flirting with a girl in a bar or something). Sharing intimate details/issues about our marriage with an outsider. These are all things I'd be very unhappy to find my husband doing, but I don't consider them to cross the threshold into "cheating".

Setting up an OLD profile or sending nudes, to me, is "attempted cheating". I'd probably treat it the same as actual infidelity.

Fantasizing about other people is just something guys do, it's ridiculous to consider that cheating. As long as he doesn't tell me about it I don't care what thoughts he has in his brain.

321PK · 2018-08-23T13:27:39+00:00

Anything that breaches the agreed code of conduct within a relationship. One person's affair is another's consensual poly set up.

DemonConsulting · 2018-08-23T14:02:22+00:00

My personal opinion on this:

Forming a deep emotional bond with someone else

Cheating (unless that someone is family and it's platonic - like his siblings, an estranged parent, or his child)

Sending naked pictures to someone other than me – 46%

Cheating

Texting erotic messages to someone other than me – 44%

Cheating

Maintaining an online dating profile – 29%

Cheating/ there was no monogamous relationship in the first place. (Assuming this is an active profile of him for dating, not a fake for shits and giggles)

Spending time with their ex-partner – 29%

Probably cheating, I definitely wouldn't like it and would actively avoid doing it even in a professional setting.

Casual flirting with someone other than me – 18%

Not cheating but I'd get jealous if it was a good looking woman around my age. My husband and his buddies do the very homoerotic flirting with eachother all the time and I think it's funny. I personally would not consider it “ok“ for me to do with other men, but some people are naturally more social and “flirty“ with everyone (unlike me and my husband who are both antisocial)

Thinking about someone other than me when having sex with me – 18%

Nah, unless it's a long term serious, realistic crush on a real life person and he can't get in the mood without thinking of her/ someone other than me, meaning he isn't attracted to me. In general fantasies are a private thing, I don't even want to know if he has them/ what they are about.

Going out to dinner with someone who is the opposite sex – 18%

Yes unless it's required in a professional setting (like on a business trip), or with family. Though I would be more pissed about the fact that he is going out for food without me in general, regardless of his company lol. Personally I would try to avoid it outside of close family, even in a professional setting.

Communicating with their ex – 16%

Depends on the content and frequency of their communication I guess. I'd avoid it if possible.

Fantasising about someone else – 13%

Nope, same answer as the other fantasy question, though I would prefer the “someone else“ to be as unrealistic an option as possible. Like a fictional character, preferably 2D, some celebrity, or a porn actress. Not the neighbor's wife or the secretary.

PumpkinSub · 2018-08-23T15:00:19+00:00

I find cheating to be visiting strip clubs and sexting other people (strangers or not) so frankly anything beyond that wouldn't fly either. I'm probably more hardcore than others but I've been in poly relationships and they sucked the life out of me so I swung hard the other direction. I've landed in my comfort zone and I won't negotiate on it. I want my life to be building a solid foundation with someone and I won't spend my time trying to figure out where their bro's took them the night before or who is in their text messages. I'm too old for these games. I demand better from my life and my partner.

shoup88 · 2018-08-24T00:00:48+00:00

Out of the things listed, I would say sending nudes and sexting is cheating. Maintaining an online dating profile is not cheating unless they’re planning dates, but it’s still not cool with me.

Basically physical sexual contact starting with kissing is cheating. I wouldn’t break up with my partner over a drunk kiss providing our relationship was good and they were ashamed and apologetic though.

cxj · 2018-08-24T00:30:19+00:00

forming a deep emotional bond with someone else

Oh my god I cheated on my gf with u/hyperrreal 🐕 🐕

SkookumTree · 2018-08-24T01:35:55+00:00

Deep emotional bond: that is OK to borderline, depending on circumstances.

Naked pictures? Usually not OK, except in unusual circumstances - maybe between platonic friends as a joke?

Erotic messages: nope, no good. Same for online dating profile and spending more time than absolutely necessary with their ex. Barring unusual circumstances. Casual flirting: how much sexual innuendo?

Everything else is OK. Especially going to dinner with the opposite sex.

Young_Oryx · 2018-08-24T06:29:50+00:00

In my opinion, cheating means any sexual, physical contact with members of the appropriate sex. Kissing, groping, touching, oral, PIV... all cheating.

THAT SAID, there are a whole host of behaviors that are inappropriate without being "cheating." Just because something is not technically cheating, doesn't mean it's okay to do. I would classify most of the rest of the things on your list as inappropriate and not okay for someone to do while in a relationship (except for the "thought crime" type things. I have no interest in controlling a person's thoughts. I care about behavior).

I was raised pretty old school. I think it's inappropriate for married people to hang out alone with members of the opposite sex. Ditto phone calls or texting for reasons other than logistics.

LewisCross · 2018-08-23T13:26:21+00:00

All of the above except

"thinking about someone other than me when having sex with me"

"fantasizing about someone else"

Add to that

refusing sex to partner at reasonable times and intervals for reasons other than physical incapacitation

This last one is infidelity - it's unfaithfulness. It's a refusal to keep faith with one's marital obligations. Most to the point it's deprivation to the spouse of something that rightfully belongs to that spouse, and that something is sexual access.

AutoModerator · 2018-08-23T13:16:22+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

abaxeron · 2018-08-23T14:51:12+00:00

I draw the line at the risk of transmission of diseases or possibility of a bastard child. I.e., kissing counts as cheating; nudes and sexting are within the realm of acceptable. Online dating profile when you're in a relationship is just a dirty thing, akin to wandering in public spaces in dirty clothes.

wtknight · 2018-08-23T15:19:17+00:00

I only consider the top three cheating. 2 and 3 are worse cheating than 1, and I consider them the same as actual physical cheating with another person.

Willow-girl · 2018-08-23T15:34:19+00:00

Anything (short of bathroom functions, lol) that you wouldn't do openly in front of your spouse.

BishonenPrincess · 2018-08-23T15:45:37+00:00

Personally, when it comes to the topic of cheating, I don't think that there is a "one size fits all" standard. I think it's up to the individual couple to decide what they are or are not comfortable with in their partnership.
For example, I'm very open about my sexuality. For me, sex isn't a monogamous act. I have let my boyfriend know that he can have sex with anyone he wants, so long as he tells me about it so that I can have informed consent when I have sex with him. He has agreed and he too is okay with me having sex with whoever I want so long as I let him know about it as well.
Not only does this allow us to be free with our sexual life, it eliminates the "taboo" that is most alluring to those who want to go behind a partners back.
I did have an ex who cheated on me, because he didn't tell me when he had sex with other girls. I would ask him and he would deny it, even though he knew I was okay with it. It's like he got off on deceiving people. Kicked him to the curb.
That being said, when it comes to a deep emotional connection, I consider myself to be monogamous. I want to be the one he confides in, the one he takes out to dinner, the one he introduces to his mom, etc etc etc. The emotional aspects are what makes him my boyfriend, not the sex. Though we do have great sex haha.
Funny thing is, even though we've both had opportunity to sleep with others, we haven't. Which brings me back to the idea that it's the taboo that is most alluring as to why people cheat.
Anyway, I've rambled a bit, but yeah, at the end of the day I think it's down to the individual couple to determine what they are comfortable with and what they consider to be a betrayal.

yasee · 2018-08-23T16:10:35+00:00

Forming a deep emotional bond with someone else – 55%

Sending naked pictures to someone other than me – 46%

Texting erotic messages to someone other than me – 44%

I'd more or less consider these cheating I think (assuming the deep emotional bond is romantic rather than friendly), but probably less bad than actually going out and fucking someone else

Maintaining an online dating profile – 29%

This is bad obviously but wouldn't consider it cheating

Spending time with their ex-partner – 29%

Casual flirting with someone other than me – 18%

Thinking about someone other than me when having sex with me – 18%

Going out to dinner with someone who is the opposite sex – 18%

Communicating with their ex – 16%

Fantasising about someone else – 13%

not cheating. The thinking about someone else during sex would bug me a little though

[deleted] · 2018-08-23T16:20:31+00:00

All of the above.

Unless I was the guilty one, then no big deal.

ATastefulNude · 2018-08-23T16:29:40+00:00

If you're doing something or saying something out in the world that you wouldn't do or say in front of your partner, you're being shady. Barring the occasional venting to trusted friends or your therapist.

To me, cheating is intimacy. Going to a strip club or watching porn isn't cheating to me, but kissing, fucking, seeking a relationship or carrying on an emotional affair is, and that's a deal breaker.

I made one exception in my life when my then boyfriend got uncharacteristically drunk at a party and made out with some chick he didn't know. He confessed immediately even though I never would have found out, and he was very contrite. That was something I was willing to forgive and forget about with the understanding that nothing like that could happen again, and I actually left the interaction trusting him a bit more.

SerpentCypher · 2018-08-23T16:56:48+00:00

Anything you wouldn't do if your SO is there is where I draw the line.

themormonchurch · 2018-08-23T21:09:05+00:00

for men or for women?

PearsOfWrath · 2018-08-23T22:33:20+00:00

For me all but the last one is red flag behavior.

But none of them except the first 3 are cheating.

YaAmar · 2018-08-23T22:50:16+00:00

Talking to another guy that isn't her father/brother = cheating.

cxj · 2018-08-24T00:31:47+00:00

If dicks aren’t involved it’s not cheating lol

My gf would be pissed if girls were sending me n00dz but she wouldn’t consider it cheating , she might break up over it tho

Workaholico · 2018-08-24T01:14:29+00:00

All except the last 4

waxedmintfloss · 2018-08-25T16:23:20+00:00

Anything that is normally reserved for your partner and you wouldn’t do with platonic friends.

oftheinfinite · 2018-08-23T13:39:20+00:00

All people are cheaters because they all have thoughts about it. Since I can't know a given woman's thoughts, I can't catch her on it. I define cheating as the desire to have emotional, romantic, physical, and sexual contact and relations with another man or woman. This is when the cheating happens to me. Acting upon it is just secondary. Since there isn't a good way to know this, I just reject serious relationships/LTRs/marriage and stick to casual STRs, porn and stay single.

killallthenarcs · 2018-08-23T15:01:32+00:00

Deep emotional bond? Depends upon the nature of the bond. I mean obviously people still make friends, love their kids, etc. Not evry deep bond is romantic. For example I'f my partner was a soldier I'd expect him to form deep bonds with other soldiers.

Sending naked pictures is so dumb that I just can't imagine myself staying with someone who does it.

Texting erotic messages? Yeah, that's infidelity.

Maintaining a dating profile? Pretty much, unless the couple do so together as a couple looking for a third... or possibly if they share fake shits and giggles accounts that they access together for laugh. "hey isn't that boring Bob from accounting.... OMG he thinks he's a dom!"

Time with ex partner? Well yeah, friendly time I guess. You can meet to frostily organise return of items etc.

Casual flirting? Eh. I'm not going to dump anyone for a bit of G rated flirting with an old lady on the bus, you can tell her she's got the bluest eyes you're ever seen, it all depends what the sexy level vs amusement/kindness level is.

Thinking about someone else during sex? Depends what they are thinking. Sexually fantasizing is out, but if they are just distractedly wondering whether their boss will be angry about something that's not infidelity it is just a sign we're having an off day.

Going out to dinner? Not cheating if there's a good reason for it and it isn't hidden.

Communicating with ex? Depends if there's a good reason for it.

Fantasizing about someone else? I'm fine with fantasizing about fictional characters or about characters you've made up. Actual real people you see in real life definitely crosses the line.

Title	What do you define as cheating?
Author	Mr_Smoogs
Upvotes	5
Comments	127
Date	August 23, 2018 1:16 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/99nafk/what_do_you_define_as_cheating/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-do-you-define-as-cheating.261058 https://theredarchive.com/post/261058

Comments