Don’t change your last name for a man

Softrito · 2021-05-19T07:31:45+00:00

I hate this custom so much. Women are the ones who painstakingly manage children and yet their identity disappears in these family trees to fulfill the blackhole that men are. I said this before-- I don't think places with high femicide would have this problem if women kept their last names and passed them down through their daughters, but for men it is all about passing down their name and daughters become a vehicle for men to do so. Truly insidious evil hidden in plain sight.

fireforestfairy · 2021-05-19T09:25:00+00:00

I'm Chinese. Almost nobody here changes their last name for their husbands. Tbh I don't get why so many westeners do this when they get married. It just feels odd to us.

MajesticSkyPachyderm · 2021-05-19T08:02:40+00:00

And also, your identity suddenly changes. It's been my identity for 34 years, I'm not changing it. Everything I've achieved, I've done so with this name.

My ex had a huge problem with my decision, he was super annoyed that I wouldn't even consider hyphenating. Dude, my surname is already several syllables long, my parents went overboard with the middle names, I'm not adding another name to it! I already struggle filling forms, I don't need more. And his reasons for pressuring me... 🙄 "I'm the last one who can pass on my surname" (no, you have a brother and sister), "I want our family to have the same name" (well, you change yours then), "I'm the man" (are you though?)

My fiancé not only just shrugged but he even gave taking my name consideration. In the end, he decided against it but was worried I would be upset (I don't care). Our future children will either take my name or be hyphenated with my name first, and he gets to pick their first name but I can veto them.

Edit: accidentally posted too soon (clumsy fingers 🤦🏾‍♀️)

christmasforoutlaws · 2021-05-19T09:12:10+00:00

I didn't change my last name when I got married because it was too expensive. My ex-husband seethed about it throughout our marriage. He couldn't handle me having an identity outside of him. Just the fact it pissed him off so much confirmed it was the right decision.

TheDameWithoutASmile · 2021-05-19T12:14:28+00:00

It's also the name on my degrees, and the name I established my career under. It's my identity. Changing my last name feels too much like an attempr to erase my existence as a fully-formed person into "wife". No thank you.

If it bothers a guy, that's a good sign to me that he feels entitled to own me, even my name. Nope!

souredskittles · 2021-05-19T07:00:34+00:00

It’s funny you mentioned it because I’ve heard the exact same thing from my cousins. I always thought it was automatic 🤦‍♀️😂 like you just change your drivers and bata bing bata boom.

heleninthealps · 2021-05-19T08:19:27+00:00

I've seen it as this about my own last name:
Cons: Costly, a time-consuming hassle to remember to change it everywhere

Pros: I absolutely hate my last name right now because it comes from my moms third cheating LVM ex-husband.

Why I haven't changed it myself earlier? Read the con-list.

chunkycasper · 2021-05-19T08:00:53+00:00

I hate having my father's name, as he's a LVM who cheated on my mum, bullied her into accepting child support that totaled less than 5% of his annual income for two kids, and never helped me grow into the woman I am today.

I just don't know what I'd change my last name too. I'm too old to take my stepdads name, which is my mum's current surname. My mum's maiden name is kind of ridiculous. 🤷‍♀️

jkklfdasfhj · 2021-05-19T07:58:30+00:00

If it's so culturally important, it should be free and automatic. I have an amazing name and accomplishments to my amazing name, I'd never change it. It wouldn't add any benefit to my life. I don't need to travel to countries where "women can't travel alone" and everything I own is under my own name. Everyone likes my name and the only name change would be both parties hyphenating.

My only question is what about children? Different countries have different laws. I'd like to hear others thoughts on this.

AcademicMobile1 · 2021-05-19T12:32:56+00:00

I only changed mine when I got married as my original last name was waaaaaaaaay at the bottom of the alphabet and I have 2 graduations to sit through in my future. So jumping up to the middle of the alphabet was nice.

Besides, my father and his family are abusive, misogynistic trash, and I don't want any connection.

Now that I'm divorced, I'm changing my last name to my mother's maiden name, which it turns out I wanted all along as that's the side of my family that cares about me.

Lost_Kale90 · 2021-05-19T13:19:51+00:00

Yeah I really don't understand why women take the man's last name these days. Seems so archaic. If anything I can see creating a new last name for the new family.

Edit: Also my sister just got married and I was so happy that she is keeping her last name!! She's in her late 30's and has worked really hard to be independent. I have 5 friends from college getting married this year though and all of them are taking the man's last name :( they're all in their 20s.

watercrux19 · 2021-05-19T17:48:49+00:00

my only gripe with this is that my current last name is already my fathers last name, and i’ll certainly like any man i choose to marry more than my father. i’ve thought about changing my last name to my moms maiden name, but even that is just technically her dads last name. ugh patriarchy

throughalfanoir · 2021-05-19T19:30:12+00:00

When I went to get a new ID (old one expired), the clerk asked me: "reason of issuing a new ID? name change, got your doctorate title?" I laughed and asked if that's that common so that it's his first guess, he said no but I didn't seem like the type to change name for marriage

I swear that's one of the best compliments I ever received (and I kinda wanna do my phd just to have that as my only name change)

My mum didn't take.my dad's last name either even despite that it was considered pretty scandalous not to do so at the time (eastern europe, early 90's)

cliterally_speaking · 2021-05-19T21:50:09+00:00

I once knew a guy who was divorced and angry because his ex wife KEPT his last name. She felt it was too much work to change everything back to her maiden name (she had already established a career with it) and his argument was that he GAVE her his last name and since they’re divorced she no longer deserved it. He said things like it’s a “strong Italian name,” and that their son can keep it but that she is “manipulating and using him and his family lineage” by keeping it! 💀

Ladies, just keep your name! These men are mad if you don’t take it and then they’re mad if you leave them and don’t change it back 😂

Scrote Logic

karaokekiller · 2021-05-19T13:53:35+00:00

My youngest kids have my surname. It is lovely. People do then assume their father has the same name as, but that's not my problem.

LynneStone · 2021-05-19T06:11:00+00:00

Every time one of my friends changes their name, I can’t help but judge them and get mildly angry. Why.

WittyImprovement · 2021-05-19T13:46:56+00:00

I used to think I would most definitely change my last name if I got married because my last name is super long but I'm getting two degrees next year and I have worked (and am still working) really hard for those so I'm never changing my last name if I get married in the future. I want my hard work to always be reflected in those degrees with my name

YesNoMaybe87 · 2021-05-19T16:11:42+00:00

I never changed my name back after my divorce 8 years ago. It was such a pain the first time. And I worked in customer service at the time. A coworker who was also recently divorced spent the next six months on the phones “oh nooooo. I didn’t get married ... I got divorced.... oh thank you.... it’s okay...” I refused to participate

I never had a good relationship with my dad or his first family to desire changing it back. Now that I’m remarrying this year I can’t necessarily keep my first married name but I’m not looking forward to going through the process again

AllieBirdL · 2021-05-19T16:35:33+00:00

Yup, dealing with divorce and changing my name back right now. Don't do it, it's never worth it.

fiery_woman · 2021-05-19T13:59:47+00:00

Great call out. I’m planning on choosing my own last name when I divorce as I don’t love my maiden name. 💕

veruscka · 2021-05-19T17:22:25+00:00

I’ve always hated my last name so I’m kind of open to taking someone else’s if we were married and it would be an improvement. Maybe that’s vain? I don’t really care to keep my father’s last name as it reminds me of my close minded relatives. It’s also very German/abrasive sounding. I’ve thought about taking the maiden name of some of my older female relatives but... they just have their father’s last name too.

Idk. Maybe I should just change it to something completely new I chose for myself.

NottodayScrote · 2021-05-19T14:32:14+00:00

I've created a few names of my own and considered using those or taking the last name of a hv ancestor. Only reason I kept my exs name was for the kids and they're grown now.

lonesometroubador · 2021-05-19T12:25:55+00:00

My wife and I both changed our names, because I think there is value in having a family name that both parents and the children have. I also think taking the man's name is absurd, so we took each other's names. Now I just have to get used to the other side of the alphabet for my name.

pugaczalla · 2021-05-19T23:28:18+00:00

I want to add a different perspective on it. My father is a NVM and I dislike having his surname. It doesn’t feel like my surname. It feels tainted and I’m not proud to carry it. If I ever get married, I’ll definitely change my surname, especially if a husband and his family are HV people. I’d be proud to carry HV people’s surname. If I never get married though, I’ll change my surname at some point.

But if this wasn’t the case, I wouldn’t change my surname so I support the post overall.

supremelyparanoid · 2021-05-19T13:38:30+00:00

For me, I can’t wait to change my last name to get away from my current family name, and I generally just hate the sound / spelling of it. I really want to be apart of my husband’s life in that way when the time comes, and have a new family name that’s bonded with his. Even if it didn’t work out for whatever reason I’d still keep his last name.

Totally get your point too!

peasbwitu · 2021-05-19T16:49:31+00:00

I struggled with this but I don't like my dad and I love my husband so I decided I would rather have his name. Since it's a man's last name either way.

escapetodos · 2021-06-02T17:36:46+00:00

I took my estranged husband’s last name. And I’m keeping it!

Ollaredegang · 2021-05-19T11:30:31+00:00

I baffles me that this is still normal in the US. In Europe this "tradition" has been dead for.. I don't even know.. centuries? Not even our great grandmothers took they're husband's last name after marriage. It's something so outdated that I cannot believe it's still going on in the United States!!! How is this possible?

Japanese-Spaghetti · 2021-09-16T17:51:48+00:00

I disagree. It’s your choice, but should I be married one day, I definitely want to take the man’s last name. Two become one when you get married and that’s one thing I think every couple should share: the man’s last name. I don’t think it’s backwards or misogynistic, it’s just tradition and a symbol of the union you have created. To each their own

Title	Don’t change your last name for a man
Author	notyourmomsacct
Upvotes	462
Comments	67
Date	May 19, 2021 1:50 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/nfsoar/dont_change_your_last_name_for_a_man/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/dont-change-your-last-name-for-a-man.754418 https://theredarchive.com/post/754418

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