Dating a Divorced Man

Flapique · 2024-03-01T17:27:46+00:00

GTFO with this BS! Seriously!!

New-Amoeba9042 · 2024-03-01T12:49:43+00:00

I’ll say my wife literally said she left me because I ‘made my life all about her, and it made her feel pressured’ when I had only done things she wanted.

So, in a next relationship I would be very hesitant to give the treatment you want, because my experience shows that’s literally not what is really wanted, and will burn me again.

SyllabubSure5715 · 2024-03-01T12:20:40+00:00

I initiated a divorce and I plan on being less affectionate in my next relationship, if there ever is one, because the vulnerability blew up in my face, and it blew up in your date’s face. Divorce throws a man into an extreme existential and mental health crisis. You should take it as the utmost compliment. He learned puppy love and cute things don’t preserve a relationship. He probably doesn’t think he “gave his best.” He probably thinks he was a sap then and now he’s loving you correctly.

AirSailer · 2024-02-29T20:57:11+00:00

This is a sub for men to discuss men's issues relating to divorce. Please take this somewhere else.

team_starfox · 2024-02-29T20:28:46+00:00

I wouldn't say he gave his best, but he's guarded.

He initiated because he felt hurt enough to leave and he's nervous to open back up

Ok-Barracuda-8970 · 2024-02-29T20:24:24+00:00

I wouldn't say that he gave her his best but he probably just loved her more recklessly which is obviously not gonna be the case after going through this hell

Due-Ad4708 · 2024-02-29T10:28:35+00:00

We move carefully. We don't want to be hurt again. He will give you his best once he's sure that won't be hurt again. Talk to him.

Sacramentardo · 2024-02-29T06:53:24+00:00

The fact that your first impulse is to go ask a bunch of strange men their opinions instead of having a conversation with your partner does not bode well for the relationship. I wish you both the best.

Ok_Perception_1836 · 2024-02-29T03:06:50+00:00

I don't know how I'll act if I meet someone new. I know I'm more reserved now about opening up and letting people in. I hope that goes away for the right girl.

beezo123 · 2024-02-29T02:53:09+00:00

You never really know what someone's thinking. You assume it's the divorce that's causing him to act the way he does. That's not necessarily true or the only reason.

IllustriousCry672 · 2024-02-29T02:12:25+00:00

If you feel that way, end the relationship. Like you said, you aren't the one who hurt him, so you have no obligation to put up with it, so if it's not what you want from a relationship, don't be in it.

You're probably not wrong, he likely did the world for his ex, and was horribly burned for doing so. Likely a survival mechanism, as it can almost kill you, and he might not even think he could take it again.

Which is fine, for him. And fine for you not wanting to be the 'runner up' in his life. There's a reason you don't want to date people with baggage

Decon_SaintJohn · 2024-02-29T02:03:44+00:00

Think about what your relatuonship expectations are from a partner. If the person is not meeting them, then perhaps it is time to find someone else.

JanStrick · 2024-02-29T02:00:22+00:00

Read more of these posts. Pay attention to how these men view women and move accordingly

rhett342 · 2024-02-29T01:53:35+00:00

Talk to home about this, not us.

samk002001 · 2024-02-29T01:35:42+00:00

I’ll never give I what I given to my ex-wife, and that’s just reality! I gave her all and I got a divorce and lost half of my everything, so I’m just protecting myself

DocumentOwn690 · 2024-02-29T00:31:59+00:00

I’m recently separated. I feel like I’ve never been able to have an identity of my own, and part of that paradigm is thinking(and overthinking) about my actions in the past in the context of “which of these things that I did were things that I wanted to do, and which of these do I perceive as things that I was made/expected to do? Which of these things are actions or situations that I resent my ex for because I didn’t want to do or be in them?”

With that said, it’s possible he’s just in a funk or trying to figure out who he is, what he wants, and the kinds of things are the things that “someone like him” would do.

Divorce basically leaves both sides with a form of PTSD. Sometimes from the breaking of the relationship itself, sometimes for the days/months/years that led up to it.

krazykanuck · 2024-02-29T00:10:46+00:00

If it were me in your shoes, i wouldn’t compare my relationship to his past ones. instead, i would take it as it is, better or worse. If its not good enough, say something (without ANY comparison). The worst thing you can do is put yourself up against his ex. If you have needs that arent being met and are not happy with what is there, say it. If it doesnt get better, move on.

codbatter · 2024-02-28T23:11:59+00:00

he likely had a very rough divorce and past relationship with his ex wife. it could have given him trauma he is still finding trouble moving past. he may still feel like he is a failure of a man because of the fact that he is divorced.

he might be wondering why he deserves you, or why you are with him and what is it about him that you are attracted to. he might be nervous that you too one day will hurt him and he doesn't want to be hurt badly again so he is keeping himself held back.

if that's the case, or if that's what you think is some of the reasons... what i feel as a man, would make me open up more and let you in... is to be patient. be patient like a saint. prove to him over a long period of time, with compassion, passion, kindness, understanding, open communication, etc... that he can trust you.

if i ever found a lady in my life again that acted like all that, and did not do things i find ugly, such as going out with girlfriends to bars and clubs without me, excessive drinking and drunkeness either in public or at home, showing a lack of care or empathy for either me, my friends, her friends, my family, her family, she would be the one for me, and i would open up with more confidence and trust her.

so basically if you like or even love this guy, and you want to endure / go the distance, you're gonna have to be patient. if you're after a relationship that gives a honeymoon like feeling, well this is not the guy for that. he's been through that honeymoon phase before and built up all these emotions and ideologies of those past women, and they ended, and one of them divorced him. he's got experience and he knows these la la land phases do not last nor do they fall into reality with day to day life.

Yanks4lyf · 2024-02-28T22:57:29+00:00

I’m actually like this. You don’t want to get hurt again and the pain was so extensive. Why give her everything so she can rip me apart when she decides to leave when I can give her just enough so she can be satisfied. I don’t do any of the stuff i use to with my stxw (been going through divorce for 4years). Just don’t want to feel like that again.

lostpassword100000 · 2024-02-28T22:56:43+00:00

I just wanted sex post divorce. It wasn’t until I got that out of my system that I wanted to “date”.

organicwilly · 2024-02-28T22:30:18+00:00

How long ago was the divorce finalized? I'm in the throws of mine right now, but although the urge to date is there, I'm not sure I ever want to be in a relationship again. My stbxw wounded me to my very core and I'm not sure I want to open myself up to that again. He may be guarding himself but it's impossible to know without directly asking him.

justme4556 · 2024-02-28T22:15:32+00:00

There is a saying "You ever want to know how mean a person can get. Divorce them" Divorce is a brutal process that you truly learn how underhanded someone can get. For guys and girls this can leave scars. It doesn't make them damaged just changed. He most likely is taking his time. Hoping for the best but showing caution.

Throwawaysi1234 · 2024-02-28T22:02:03+00:00

Post divorce it's hard to allow yourself to be vulnerable when it comes to showing affection and talking about your divorce.

It's for several reasons:

if you talk about your divorce and it was too hard then you can be perceived as "damaged goods" which is almost what you're ready to label him as.
if you show too much enthusiasm for a new relationship, then it can come off as the man bring unable to stand up on his own and desperately trying to get into a dependent relationship again
it honestly just feels weird to try to be intimate with someone new sometimes. It might be because forming attachments is opening the door to getting hurt again
if you talk about your divorce, you really have to hit the sweet spot on accountability. A man who takes too little accountability for his divorce might appear as if he will continue his disfunction in his next relationship. A man who takes too much fault in his divorce will be seen as a liability because of his flaws.

That all being said, what you need to do is talk to him about it and make sure he understands that you're sympathetic to his problems before probing too deeply. "Would it be alright if you told me what you're comfortable with about your divorce. I know it must have been a big part of your life and I want you to know that it's ok to confide in me. I won't judge you for it."

That all being said, I could make a guess. 70% of divorces filed by women. 60% of divorces include infidelity as one of the reasons. Men see sexual infidelity as more hurtful than do women. I think that makes it more probably than not then when you find a man who filed divorce that his wife was cheating.

yknotalpha · 2024-02-28T21:46:53+00:00

sign a prenuptial with him ..That will give him peace of mind..on other side if you stay long and build trust he will open up if there's love which we all know don't exists

Efficient_Olive8251 · 2024-02-28T21:42:21+00:00

When people get hurt, whether physically or emotionally, they rarely jump straight back into the activity or situation head-first that hurt them. And when they finally do, it’s likely with caution.

WittyBeautiful7654 · 2024-02-28T21:38:42+00:00

That dudes feelings are guarded a s he's trying to keep himself together

shell_shocked_today · 2024-02-28T21:32:28+00:00

You could try reversing the roles -- come up with a pet name for him. Try doing something romantic for him. Treat him how you would like to be treated - and see if things start to change.

EngineeringNew703 · 2024-02-28T21:31:05+00:00

You are most likely being used as a rebound tbh. Additionally You might have a thing for emotionally unavailable men and you like the challenge. Expecting more than a “fun time” seems like a low iq play for a long term investment from a man who doesn’t prioritize you. It’s time to get practical.

Also this is men’s divorce forum not a dating forum.

FollowingDesigner275 · 2024-02-28T21:30:04+00:00

There’s a wall up now and you don’t know how thick it is. He might need time. Also talk to him let him know what you’re thinking. If you never say anything it things will continue like that.

Latitude66 · 2024-02-28T21:28:21+00:00

Because this shit hurts to our core, and being ultra protective of our little ones is the only thing we will focus on.

Be patient and kind, is the only advice I will give.

Title	Dating a Divorced Man
Author	Rare-Ad-3542
Upvotes	0
Comments	81
Date	February 28, 2024 9:11 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1b2hkkr/dating_a_divorced_man/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/dating-a-divorced-man.1246698 https://theredarchive.com/post/1246698

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