Lack of accountability

Trankvilo_1887 · 2026-03-03T21:17:25+00:00

My soon to be ex-wife has absolutely no self accountability and thinks everything wrong in the marriage was on me. Sounds like a pretty common story.

watermelonstrong · 2026-02-28T14:04:45+00:00

>I don’t want to turn this post into a woman bashing; I know given what this sub is it’s probably a short journey though

😂this is a divorced men sub. If you're seeing women bashing, I'd say thats more on you than a reflection of what is actually happening here. We all have a mother, some of us have sisters, and daughters. Is this really just reduced down to women bashing because we are divorced?

You're on your 2nd marriage and only now just realising perhaps natural roles and that women don't tend to take accountability.

You need to fundamentally understand women a lot more brother. This isn't women bashing, or you bashing. I think you're at the precipice here, keep going.

koolllG_uy1911 · 2026-02-26T21:39:57+00:00

You have to stop this before it gets worse for your daughter.. This ego comes from Fathers who don't hold their daughters accountable early on and just do what they say, because "she is my princess".

This needs to end!

smartalec-71 · 2026-02-26T05:26:54+00:00

Think about how they were treated as a kid-- I can do what I like, and if I say the right words and/or are cute/beautiful enough... I can get away with it, scott free. Even if I am caught... I can say the right words, and someone else will "take the hit."

They get good at saying the right words (to get away with it) and or the right words (so someone else gets the blame.)

And they have to get better at Plan B (someone else takes the blame) because over time their pasts will catch up with them and they won't be as cute/beautiful enough for strangers to take the fall for them.

If you have daughters (or nieces), you can see the behavior happening live. The dangerous part comes from them treating the laws of physics like the laws of man. You might be able to talk your way out of a speeding ticket (traffic laws), but nobody's talking their way of the law of gravity.

My ex was like this. If she was accused of something, she'd say she didn't remember doing it, or that's not what she did, or that's not what I meant to do... Her final defense was to say it wouldn't happen again / she'd improve... but to her it was just noises she had to make with her mouth to make the accuser go away. I'll make noises that people hear as promises... I'm not even going to remember I said those things, not to mention do what I said I did.

gobby94 · 2026-02-25T19:06:58+00:00

Yeah. When we split, I had asked if there was anything she felt she could have done to improve our relationship. She said no, that she had been the perfect partner anyone would dream of having. The irony, lol

Vegetable_Diet3408 · 2026-02-25T09:13:20+00:00

It's start to believe that it's programmed into them. My ex said some things that would break any man. When I addressed it, do you know what her response was? “Yeah, that wasn’t okay, but it’s because of you that I lose my cool and say those things.” So in the end, it’s my fault that she attacked and hurt me by saying things that strike at the core of being a husband and a father.

Virtual-Mixture8381 · 2026-02-25T02:36:52+00:00

Thats why women “stole their man” it can’t possibly be a fault with them.

funnyman6979 · 2026-02-25T01:20:30+00:00

You’re nailing the core problem in most cases I think I’m the only one to ever hold my ex wife accountable and man did I pay a steep price. But this didn’t define me and I stopped playing a long time ago. You can read how we want respect and they want love….but even supporting them and a degree and their job still, when do we matter ?

HistoricalRich280 · 2026-02-24T21:58:35+00:00

Beautiful women are a subcategory of women though. Like stop in your tracks kind of beauty. And Those women do have a whole different life and expectations than others. They often struggle a heck of a lot more with aging and would be more inclined to have midlife crises.

LashkarNaraanji123 · 2026-02-24T19:39:26+00:00

The answer is Kohlberg's stages. At about 16-21, men leave stage 3, which is "APPEAR (key word) as a good person. Recognize other's social cues" also known as the "Good Boy, Nice Girl" stage.

Kohlberg asked 1000s of people in scores of questions HOW they settle a moral/justice question at all stages of life, and this has been endlessly repeated around the world. He wasn't interested in what they decided, but HOW they came to what was moral and just, their reasoning. The results of his testing, and testing done repeatedly by others, and numerous failed desperate and aggressive attempts to smear and discard his findings, have been going on for over half a century. Kohlberg's stages is undefeated.

Notice I did not mention females leaving Stage 3.

Acceptable_Piano4809 · 2026-02-24T19:10:28+00:00

Just look at how different men v women are in our society.

Let’s take the average adult life that begins at 18 (for this argument):

A man has to develop a “life”, get a job, go to school, do something so they can “be” something.

A woman can do all that if she chooses, but there’s another option for her. She can choose to let her raw biology function and become a mother. She doesn’t have to learn or do anything other than become pregnant and let her body create the baby, and then after she has the child.

No one in society is ever going to call a mother a “loser”.’ A man is responsible for everything else in our society. As soon as a woman gets pregnant, (or even claim she’s trying) the man is responsible for making sure the woman has everything she needs (in our society).

We are so different it’s impossible abs improper to compare. But you will always have people who take advantage of the things they can take advantage of.

So who is a woman ever accountable to?

Ok-Cause1108 · 2026-02-24T18:16:10+00:00

You just need to understand that women are wired completely differently from men. They experience the world through emotions and feelings. We experience it through logic and reason. Two completely different experiences.

Your job is to lead them and to be a container for their chaos. Do that and they will be loyal and loving.

Descarted1 · 2026-02-24T17:48:58+00:00

There were moments when she appeared clear headed and genuinely reflective, particularly after I walked her through everything step by step in chronological order. When I explained why I responded the way I did based on her behavior toward others and the way she treated me and our child, it seemed to resonate. For a brief time, it felt like she truly understood.

Unfortunately, that clarity was short lived. The blame shifting and deflection quickly returned, which led me to conclude that the earlier apology wasn’t authentic. It was then I realized I was dealing with someone I could not rely on or be married to for that matter.

I'm not going to bash women cause I've met men like this as well. Its left me a very guarded person.

DadVader77 · 2026-02-24T16:06:35+00:00

Can’t say anything about your first marriage but social media has been conditioning people that way for the past decade

dukeofthefoothills1 · 2026-02-24T15:54:19+00:00

In many instances, they don’t even need to be above average for this to be the case. They know how “special” they are. They know what they “deserve”.

Not all women are capable of long term commitment and loyalty. They need the next shiny thing. Unfortunately, it’s too difficult to for men to discern for any particular woman. Choose wrong and it could cost you millions.

For this reason, I’m out.

dpatron · 2026-02-24T15:06:16+00:00

Women have beyond 0 lack of accountability because there are a million thirsty douchebag men waiting to suck their asses! Human nature. Trace it back to good ol Eve hanging out with snakes eating fruit instead of standing with her man. Id rather pay a hooker than get the life ripped out of me by some shallow materialistic narcissist!

leaving4me · 2026-02-24T15:00:49+00:00

No one, not even men like to admit when they are the problem.

JonahFeb · 2026-02-24T14:33:50+00:00

Yes, agree- the lack of accountability I've witnessed with my STBX especially over the last two years and since the beginning of the actual divorce proceedings has been staggering.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2026-02-24T14:33:39+00:00

DARVO

Deny, Attack, and Reverse the Victim and the Offender

True for men and women.

Legitimate-Error-633 · 2026-02-24T14:31:04+00:00

Yes. Down to the little things. My ex had a habit of putting empty food boxes and wrappers back in the pantry/fridge etc.

Whenever I called her out on it, she would get almost angry and blame me or the kids instead (the wrappers would be way up too high on the shelves for kids).

Of course when she ended up cheating it was another web of lies, she even blamed me for the fact she secretly invited the other guy into our house.

I occasionally visit her at her new home and I laugh now when I see her pantry full of empty boxes.

Of course this is just a single anecdote. At work it seems 50/50 between the sexes.

SeaweedWeird7705 · 2026-02-24T14:23:09+00:00

Both genders. My sister’s ex husband was like this too. Nothing was ever his fault. Even when he punched her.

No-Tomorrow8150 · 2026-02-24T14:17:06+00:00

Yes. Much more prevalent in society in general and younger generations.

fiddsy · 2026-02-24T14:14:21+00:00

Yes.

Schmetts · 2026-02-24T14:02:52+00:00

I don't know that this is a gendered thing, but it is definitely something that applies to my ex-wife, in matters well beyond marriage and going back way before the separation. I'm not sure she's ever taken true ownership of a mistake in her life.

Once she discovered the term "codependent" it was over. Suddenly I was responsible for things I didn't even know about, because her "codependency" was the reason she was doing it.

ApprehensiveSpare925 · 2026-02-24T13:56:38+00:00

My son, who’s 12, said to me recently that “mama always plays the victim.”

Glad he is learning this at such a young age.

beartrackrecords · 2026-02-24T13:42:40+00:00

This scene says it all.

https://youtu.be/c-ecbGNxEHM?si=tEVKgnhGlA2mowZl

rboller · 2026-02-24T13:28:38+00:00

It’s definitely hard to make a big generalization like that, but man I feel you from my situation and I had the same question because I read posts here first years and it seems to be the same story over and over…taking no responsibility/gaslighting/victim mentality/walk away wife. My divorce was finalized yesterday and I look back at how hard I worked on myself to save it while she constantly blamed me for everything wrong in the marriage.

TeddyPSmith · 2026-02-24T13:19:43+00:00

Gonna have to agree with you.

They are “the fairer sex” and physically weaker than men. Bc of that, they’ve adapted their defenses to hurt men in diabolically emotional ways. Part of that is claiming victim status in any situation and then having the ceremonial glow up to celebrate leaving the “abuser”.

In my case, years of withholding affection and sex from me, hiding her finances, and lying about critical red flags could’ve been considered abuse. But I yelled at her once after years of her talking down to me so I am the abuser.

Her life resume shows her level of accountability, though.

FirelineJake · 2026-02-24T13:13:06+00:00

Going through divorce myself, I learned that lack of accountability isn’t a gender trait so much as a defense mechanism under stress and the more useful question ended up being what patterns I was participating in, not just what the other person was doing.

Gattsama · 2026-02-24T12:26:42+00:00

Women have more trouble with accountability than men, but it manifests itself in different ways. Women are far more interested in group dynamics and group approval. That means it's very difficult for them to be the bad guy in their own story or the bad guy in the group. Therefore, they will do everything possible to try to paint a narrative of themselves as the victim and the other party as the aggressor or attacker.

This is why you hear strange things from both men and women who are abusive: you made me do this, I didn't want to do this, this is your fault, you drove me to do this, etc

This is also part of the general narrative of people that commit adultery. When a woman came. It's adultery the first isn't usually that she's a horrible person, it's "what did the man do that drove her to do that."

They're of course many men that have problems of accountability as well. But we operate in different cultures and subcultures. Remember in general men pursue women and women make themselves available. Part of that is women having plausible deniability, again so they can always make themselves the victim and the other person the attacker if needed .

This is why women will say things like would you like to come in for coffee or men will say things like would you like to come up to my apartment to look at my underwater Lego collection? It's just to give them plausible deniability if down the line things don't work out.

Instead of thinking of things as accountable or unaccountable however; I would recommend you think of them as different. Men and women are just functioning off very different software when it comes to these things.

eastlibertypj · 2026-02-24T12:05:26+00:00

No, there’s no generalization about men or women that’s going to help you here.

Go pick up the books Secure Love and the Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and see what you’re doing to attract only women who behave this way.

If you see it in your daughter that’s a reflection of the two primary models for womanhood you’ve brought into her llife. You being with them has taught her that staying in a relationship with an entitled and unaccountable person is acceptable, so she’s taking some of the immature privileges of your wives because it’s easier than developing integrity.

I apologize if I sound harsh. But I’ve put up with similar behavior from my wife for years and I’m soon starting the divorce process. I’ve been in therapy to figure out my piece, and at the end of the day I’ve been far too tolerant of bad behavior.

Go to therapy. Become the most accountable person you know how to be. Be the better example your daughter needs. Good luck.

psychcaptain · 2026-02-24T12:01:06+00:00

I don't know if it's women. It seems to be true in my case, but that is a very small sample and our pick sample is definitely not random.

I will say, I recently joined Instagram, and there are a lot of posts of women living there best lives after divorce. So, there is a lot of glamorizing of divorce.

Anyway, my understanding is that for some people, divorce is hard, but it can be made more acceptable to individual by rationalizing the divorce. This means focusing on everything wrong to justify their decision. And this could be a defense mechanism, because ending a marriage is a big, painful deal. People in the know seem to think that accountability, if it comes, shows up a few years later, after the divorce is finalized.

For me, accountability happened right away. I tried everything to save our marriage but she had one foot out the door and into the DMs of another man before she even asked for a separation.

Strange-Penalty82 · 2026-03-10T00:20:00+00:00

It’s a very common occurrence in women. Their friends don’t check them. Their families don’t check them and neither do a lot of their male partners. I started checking them (politely). I got blamed by my ex wife for “driving” her to cheat. I’ve now placed that behind me and don’t really care what women think anymore to be very honest. I have as much sex as I want as often as I want and never plan to marry again.

Title	Lack of accountability
Author	Will_McLean
Upvotes	52
Comments	71
Date	February 24, 2026 11:30 AM UTC (5 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1rddq9k/lack_of_accountability/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/lack-of-accountability.1574141 https://theredarchive.com/post/1574141

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