Sex while separated, do you consider it cheating?

Professional_Name359 · 2024-12-11T20:05:18+00:00

Let's get honest. No paperwork has been filed yet to confirm your divorce. Before marriage, you couldn't claim someone as your dependent or spouse until you had the proper documents. What makes this any different? Adultery doesn't become less of a sin or less of choice once you separate. Separation is a time for self reflection, it's a time to process and grieve.

Unfortunately, a lot of people choose to grieve next to another responsibility, i.e. your lover. The lover in turn is taking advantage of this time and you both, your lover and you, are protesting the relationship, protesting against your own marriage together amazes me. How easy it is to follow through on hurting your marriage and creating generational habits that could interfere with how you love your family.

It's also amazing how we treat family as optional to excuse our choice to step out vs. A relative we have love for no matter what. As if, we didn't make a covenant when we got married and the two became one. But for some that's a little deep.

Don't get me wrong, sex feels good, releases a lot of happy chemicals, can temporarily fix our true feelings, loneliness, sadness, anger, etc. But here is the thing when you become dependent on someone else to help you commit to your divorce instead of reconciling the relationship, you have to go back for more. It's like trying too get full on ice cream expecting it not to come with some consequences.

The top consequence is not being able to connect with yourself and grieving without supplements. No one knows how much we/they hate being alone until we are left alone. A separation is an agreed boundary to meet a deep need, space for healing. recovery, and processing. Sex is for reproduction, not for healing. You can't heal a wound with pleasure alone, wounds require nurturing, sounds like cheating may be a reflection of a deep wound like mommy issues. And the rebellion of authority, i.e. the spouse both man and woman, reflects the daddy issues.

Ol_Sailor · 2024-08-07T22:15:08+00:00

No ...Lived through this during a protracted divorce. Be advised, there is a double standard. Women who take to dating apps as separated are blood in the water to an endless supply of sharks looking for a fling. If you are a dude doing the same, you will be chastised by women and told you are a pig.

ThisReckless · 2024-05-20T15:10:37+00:00

Having sex with someone behind your spouses back, without them knowing, or without their consent. It doesn't matter if you are separated or not, it's called cheating. A form of deception.

Aggravating-Ad-5793 · 2023-11-09T23:59:00+00:00

Often the separation is just to cover up cheating.

I think if both parties agree that you can both see other people, then it's clearly not cheating. I also think if one party is obstructing. the divorce process so that it takes years, then all bets are off.

But it is also important to look at what state law says. In my state, for example, adultery is adultery. It does not matter if the parties are separated. In states that have fault grounds for divorce. This can cause problems.

2023-11-09T23:05:51+00:00

To me separation is like being on a break when you’re dating, it’s like a free pass to test the waters. So when they say I want to separate I look at it is the marriage I’d officially over. Sleep with whoever u want but u and I are done

MoxOmega · 2023-11-09T15:50:58+00:00

If your separated and divorce process has already begun, no it’s not cheating. But, some females will still consider it cheating and can use that against you if a hearing is needed in your case. But when they do it, it’s perfectly fine as they need to get on with their life, double standard.

DadVader77 · 2023-11-09T06:35:56+00:00

So even while the divorce is in process, I have to still consider her my spouse and pay for her insurance. I still have to pay for her phone on the “family plan”. I can’t take her off as beneficiary because we’re still married.

If you want the benefits and discounts that come as being a spouse/wife, then you get the consequences as well, which is that you’re cheating.

sbarrowski · 2023-11-09T04:10:27+00:00

It won’t make any difference in your property and assets settlement so it doesn’t matter, unless it bothers you for moral reasons.

DeadliftsDonuts · 2023-11-09T03:53:48+00:00

Feels like you should define the separation and discuss things like seeing other people ahead of time and if the agreement is broken, it is akin to cheating.

If someone has sex during the separation and there was no discussion, their partner has a right to their feelings in response to it, but expectations on the rules of the separation could be rightfully not aligned so it wouldn't be cheating.

cryptus-maximus · 2023-11-09T03:34:30+00:00

Is a divorce filed as well? If so, then absolutely not. Not even something I gave any thought to.

dadmacintosh · 2023-11-09T03:07:42+00:00

I bet she is getting dug out herself... so what is the fuss about? If it is over, it is over. I would caution you to keep things under wraps until after the divorce if final though

AStirlingMacDonald · 2023-11-08T22:03:03+00:00

My ex wife and I agreed we’d wait for new partners until the divorce was finalized. Three months later, she was pregnant. From a homeless dude. Who turned out to have a warrant out for violating his probation. Which he had after his sentence conviction, which was for being a pedo.

whiskey_piker · 2023-11-08T21:44:56+00:00

Well, what are your thoughts and feelings when you find out she’s had sex w/ 3 guys during separation?

ashintray · 2023-11-08T21:20:39+00:00

I have a friend who is catholic and who has pretty strong feelings about this. I guess it depends on you and your values. I have similar feelings.

Rustyrockets9 · 2023-11-08T21:16:01+00:00

Fantastic-Bonus4461 · 2023-11-08T20:41:19+00:00

Nope

funk205 · 2023-11-08T20:02:18+00:00

pk2at · 2023-11-08T19:32:20+00:00

The comments to this question are the exact reason no fault divorce is available in all 50 states.

probebeta · 2023-11-08T18:48:13+00:00

I'm reading the comments and I'm maybe missing something here. If you are separating it means both of you are giving the green light to do whatever you please, no? If she asked for separation and considers this cheating I find it pretty comical actually.

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2023-11-08T18:37:24+00:00

You need to stipulate, is the a defacto separation with no option to reconcile, a required 1 year legal separation with view to divorce, or one of those “temporary” separations to decide if you are going to stay married?

My answers: No, No, Yes

HorrorAd1946 · 2023-11-08T18:22:09+00:00

It comes down to the commitment and vows you made to another. I know many will say that once you are separated, you are no longer together. Separation never changes the vow you made, only the decree of divorcement you both are served by to court. Otherwise, when she went to her folks for some reason or any other separation, it would be justified. I also guess you also need to ask what values you have as a person.

2023-11-08T18:05:48+00:00

Something you both need to agree and discuss what your separation means and what you both want it to lead to.

KCWilli182 · 2023-11-08T16:46:52+00:00

dudefromyork · 2023-11-08T16:31:09+00:00

If you’re going through divorce, everything is decided and you’re already living apart I’d say go for it.

If you’re still in the “who gets what money and custody” stage I would suggest that you don’t do it. It’s not really about cheating per se, more about not making your ex go f*cking crazy and irrational in the divorce. Is it worth riling her up at a critical time just to get some?

Proceed with caution and keep it in your pocket and if you can’t keep it on the down low. On reflection this is probably why it feels like cheating….it’s not but you know it’s a bad idea! 😆

Isthisthereddits · 2023-11-08T16:26:52+00:00

In my situation my wife definitely did. She initiated a separation with a contingency to relook at our relationship in 3 months. She was trailing me on with that we very well might have gotten back together. Less than 3 weeks in while I'm working on a rebuild of myself for said relationship she sleeps with some random dude she just met. When I set boundaries to not sleep around while we work towards that 3 months she screamed at me and blamed me for her being broke, living in a college apartment, and having to have multiple jobs.

She left a home I paid for everything at. She didn't need even one job while working on her PhD. Not my fault she made bad life choices.

Impossible_Sport291 · 2023-11-08T16:15:10+00:00

If my wife can have sex with other men before we're separated, I can have sex with other women after she's gone.

Marriage is a holy union. The government can appropriate the name all they want, but that changes nothing. Violating your vows makes you divorced.

techrmd3 · 2023-11-08T15:54:33+00:00

It's a gray area AND one that has been litigated extensively in many states

So here's he deal. Your wife is STILL your wife until final decree.

In many states California being one I'm familiar with YOU the husband are considered the father of ANY child born during the marriage.

READ that again if you need to because this concept is VERY important.

If your wife is screwing around on you... you HAVE to end the marriage very very quick. Because there is a chance that YOU! yes you lucky estranged hubs you are going to get to be declared father of a bastard you didn't father.

So is it cheating not cheating is irrelevant. IT IS THE CONSEQUENCES of sex outside the marriage that should scare soon to be ex husbands the most.

In many states it DOES NOT MATTER if you have a DNA test. It DOES NOT MATTER what you or wifey says. The STATE/COURT only cares about children being supported... and guess what the Husband (who always makes the money) is IT for this particular round of Adultery TAG!

(*** yes yes I know you can litigate to have the father changed IF you know who it is. And can prove that the man is the father, and he (the real father) is ok with being on the birth certificate and getting hit for child support... good luck with that)

This is one of the things that grinds my gears in divorce proceedings. A woman who "files" on a hubs feels divorced so does things divorced women tend to do. Which is start entertaining new penises at the carnival tent like prisoner escaped from jail.

THEN oopsie! she gets preggers... she tells Romeo (if she knows) if she doesn't if Romeo sperm donor is NO HELP... it's amazing how "suddenly" she becomes "gee honey maybe we need to slow this divorce down"... sap of a hubby believes her sudden change of heart. Divorce proceedings slow... then about 3 months later when wifey begins to show. The Hubs FINALLY gets it that she's carrying a rando baby!

Hurry Hurry Divorce Divorce Divorce!... sorry so sad you lose the Divorce Quickly game! Try again next time!

The moral of the story is the little dears WILL act divorced during separation (count on it). They do have the potential of getting preggers with a kid that Sap of a separated husband WILL be financially obligated to support.

DON'T BE THAT GUY! Get divorce done as quickly as possible! agree to whatever you have to do to get the wifey (who thinks she can F--k anyone she pleases) OFF of your financial responsibility!

Chemical-War-5380 · 2023-11-08T15:53:47+00:00

If you're in GA... they do NOT acknowledge separation only divorce. If you have sex before divorce it is considered adultery.

enigmaroboto · 2023-11-08T14:57:51+00:00

Her: We need a break. I need space. So I can think about what I want.

I'm not interested in any other man if that's what you are thinking.

Me: 🙄

Next day-

Her friend calls me.

Friend: Hello, I don't want to get in-between you both, but bcxd# needs her space. Blah blah blah

Me: Thank you for your concern. Goodbye. click

Classic_Dill · 2023-11-08T14:47:09+00:00

I had to break it to my ex wife, that my decision to enter into a separation, was not to get space to possibly come back together. The separation was a soft take off to divorce, she looked dumbfounded until she was served papers by my lawyer. So, yes in that case? sex with others is just fine.

SelectionNo3078 · 2023-11-08T14:35:49+00:00

Separated since December 2021

Collaborative divorce in process

My attorney says I can’t seek companionship on apps or irl. It could cause an infidelity claim and hurt settlement

Legally-until the divorce is final you’re not supposed to

rhett342 · 2023-11-08T14:27:31+00:00

Still married, right? Then it's cheating. That being said, if ypu are definitely divorcing and not just taking a breather. Who cares?

jimsmythee · 2023-11-08T14:12:35+00:00

It's not cheating. You're not getting back together. The other partner knows this.

When my exwife and I were separated, but living in the same house due to financial problems, with me waiting until her DUI case gets resolved (she got convicted and did jail time).

I was making plans to have coffee with this woman I met at work. She got so mad, going through all of the motions about how wrong I was. Then I told her, "But aren't you doing the exact same thing? With Dave? You know, trying to meet up with him. So why are you complaining?"

Well, I wasn't supposed to know that.

Everyonelookatme1 · 2023-11-08T14:06:31+00:00

Once someone files who cares. If you are on “a break” lol good luck. The one who initiated the break is Likely to go bang.

l3tsR0LL · 2023-11-08T14:04:51+00:00

If it is a separation to cool off and work on the relationship, then yes.

If it is a separation while waiting for divorce, then no

woahbrad35 · 2023-11-08T13:31:19+00:00

This is why breaks are stupid. Just split up and be done. If I'm annoyed with someone enough to separate/ go on break and go sleep with other people, it's over. Say you get back together, that hookup could end up being years of jealousy or who knows what. No thanks.

2023-11-08T13:13:13+00:00

If you are just waiting for the divorce to be finalized, no I wouldn't call it cheating

sicrm · 2023-11-08T12:40:07+00:00

it’s not cheating. it should end chances of reconciliation though.

some people use separation to be single and see what’s out there. if they want to stay married after that, it’s because they didn’t get the person they had a blast with to seriously date them.

RNGJesusRoller · 2023-11-08T08:00:32+00:00

In the immortal words of Ross Geller “ we were on a break”

It is absolutely not cheating. Unless you were the one that wanted the break and then the other person went slept with somebody else. Then it feels like betrayal

MartyMcFly7 · 2023-11-08T06:43:35+00:00

If you've already 100% decided to divorce, I wouldn't consider it cheating. The government just takes awhile to update your relationship status.

If it's a trial separation or you may still get back together, then possibly.

Rustyrockets9 · 2023-11-08T05:38:25+00:00

Nope it’s not. But a lot of woman think that but I feel it’s one sided. Bet if they did it they’ll be like it’s not cheating but if you do it oh boy it’s the end of the world.

Secret-Pipe-8233 · 2023-11-08T05:37:45+00:00

Depends of the definition of separated? Living under the same roof but in different rooms is different to having told the kids and moved out.

Also depends where you are from. I am now legally separated, docs and lawyers all done & divorce means nothing (it’s a subsequent tick the box). In the US I think it’s different.

I’ve been having plenty of sex after 23 years of marriage but I definitely don’t consider it cheating. After all the pain & shit it’s rewarding, fun and part of a different phase of life.

arcasul · 2023-11-08T05:34:07+00:00

Absolutely not, personally.

Title	Sex while separated, do you consider it cheating?
Author	MidniteOG
Upvotes	13
Comments	86
Date	November 8, 2023 5:13 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/17qeiyz/sex_while_separated_do_you_consider_it_cheating/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/sex-while-separated-do-you-consider-it-cheating.1237710 https://theredarchive.com/post/1237710

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