She is apologizing for cheating and begging to withdraw from divorce.

2024-01-15T03:23:02+00:00

Don’t walk… run. Get away from her. I don’t normally advocate divorce, but for your own mental health and the health and welfare of your children, you need to get away from that. My mother has BPD, and I know what it is like to grow up in a house with someone like that. They are completely unstable, have a very loose relationship with reality, and unfortunately are VERY manipulative and convincing to people who are not around them regularly. They are dangerous people. It will be a battle, she is going to get crazy, she is going to act out in desperation, and she is going to make your immediate life hell. Try to get full custody if you can… You cannot trust her, and you cannot fix her… and you should not have to deal with her shit man. Get out…get your kids out, and remember that the begging and apologizing is just part of the cycle… the pendulum always swings back the other direction with BPD. I spent 37 years trying to fix my mother while she destroyed my life and the lives of two great men who thought they could save her and wouldn’t leave. Stay strong brother, and don’t fall into the trap of fighting and arguing with her. She may be begging and pleading right now, but the very second she realizes that you are serious, the mask will come off and she is going to do everything she can to hurt you. Be mentally prepared for it… but you are strong enough to push through it, and you will be a better man for it.

UseResponsible4368 · 2024-01-13T18:57:05+00:00

Before you meet her, spray very lightly some women's perfume on your shirt.

thenotknown2022 · 2024-01-12T14:10:37+00:00

get her really pissed off, going BPD psycho, push her buttons so she goes ape shit.

take a video of it.

then every time you think about not divorcing or getting back together watch the video.

Fairster_ · 2024-01-11T18:52:16+00:00

Think about what she said before she left. Make her eat that. Missing her buy a new car or outfit / with cologne!

xjeeperx · 2024-01-10T13:32:11+00:00

So she can do it again?

bk2747 · 2024-01-09T18:02:13+00:00

DONT DO IT! GET RID OF HER!

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2024-01-09T15:41:03+00:00

15 years as well, and two children. Bipolar1 + BPD here. Don’t flinch, you need to blitzkrieg the divorce, and don’t stall for a moment!

upvotersfortruth · 2024-01-09T05:21:35+00:00

"Talk to my lawyer."

i_am_buzz_lightyear · 2024-01-09T04:55:53+00:00

Don't believe it. Period.

Mine cheated. I stayed. Behavior didn't change, more lies. I wanted out. We worked through a fair split. She cried more, apologizing, but signed it. Went back on the agreement about three weeks later before we could present it to the court. Now I'm in a contested divorce. 10k later and she's trying to get my mental state evaluated by the court. Still trying to get 50/50.

Ecstatic-Shopping313 · 2024-01-08T17:01:21+00:00

Mine begged me to switch to mediation after the judge threw the book at her for cheating and demanding everything under the sun, including the typical false allegations. Judge saw right through them all. Of course she didn't appreciate that, so she begged me to consider switching to a new authority in the matter. Women are so transparent.

u6wckimi2tn_ta · 2024-01-09T03:37:25+00:00

How would you feel if your son or daughter were in your shoes? What would you tell them, if they came to you for advice?

Other thoughts:

reverse the gender roles and run the simulation again. If a woman with your experiences would have already left - why haven't you? If the answer is "masculine bullshit that says I need to be a provider", fucking stop. Men put up with more than they should.
don't bring up BPD during proceedings, unless you can get a qualified professional to sign off on and present a formal diagnosis to a court. And your armchair diagnosis will undermine your case, regardless of how true and accurate it is.
trauma bonding is a thing. Part of why being with someone with BPD is so rough is intermittent reinforcement. You become literally addicted to the good times (and they can be very, very good - otherwise you wouldn't be married with children.)
assume nothing will change or improve - in fact, assume it will get worse. Is this a person you're willing to be tied to, for the rest of your life?
Right now you are mourning a beautiful future that you imagined together. But now you've done this 15 years. Have those 15 years lived up to that future you imagined when you married? When you had your first child?

MrMelbourne · 2024-01-09T01:26:51+00:00

Get out while you still have your sanity.

Least_Winter9632 · 2024-01-09T01:24:12+00:00

So you’re willing to share your wife with other men? If the answer is no, you go.

jonnybgud64 · 2024-01-08T21:36:07+00:00

It’s called the lost cost fallacy. Look it up and it’ll help you to understand your reluctance to leave her.

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2024-01-08T21:24:36+00:00

She has you wrapped around her finger. She ll do whatever she wants with you

Long-Review-1861 · 2024-01-08T21:21:50+00:00

Bpd and cheating... name a better combo. I was with a borderline for almost 9 years. Nearly destroyed me, took me years to kind of feel normal again but left lots of mental scars. Run and don't look back

par4me20 · 2024-01-08T21:19:57+00:00

I’m in the same boat. After she finally realized i wasn’t changing my mind and both our young adult kids asked me to finally divorce her. Her back is against the wall. So now this covert narcissist that lies and manipulates is trying to fall on the sword and say give her a chance. Trust her!!!

If i stayed in my own head bad things happen. I reached out to my support and was quickly reminded of my WHY and why, we ain’t falling for the bullshit. Stay strong.

CrazySanta7 · 2024-01-08T21:16:57+00:00

Ironically, cheaters have zero respect for a man who takes them back. Stay strong.

furiousmustache · 2024-01-08T20:30:49+00:00

Since your STBXW has BPD, I highly recommend you read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" it really helped me.

To_Shrug · 2024-01-08T19:57:45+00:00

We have seen some gentlemen post about the equivalent of a post nuptial. That might be something to consider.

Perhaps you could say fine, you want to honestly work on our marriage - "take this agreement to your own lawyer and sign this postnup as it is written - with no changes".

You can layout some VERY favorable terms in there to encourage her to act appropriately. If she is earnest in her crying and begging, she will sign, even if her lawyer says this is unfair to her - if she doesn't sign, then you keep going with the process.

If the changes you desire don't become habit, you might be able to leave the marriage with the very favorable terms you specified in the agreement

I know nothing about this, but there are many other men who can offer advice on this topic.

No_Fee_161 · 2024-01-08T19:46:39+00:00

Grey rock method!

You need to stay strong for you and your kids. She's a danger to your mental health.

Life_Coach_Toledo · 2024-01-08T19:36:50+00:00

It's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed by your wife's apologies and pleas.

Some mental tactics to help you stay focused:

**Remember the reasons why you're divorcing.** Recall the pain, turmoil, and instability that her bipolar disorder and infidelity have caused you and your children. This will help you stay grounded when her apologies start to sway you.
**Set clear boundaries.** Let your wife know that you're not willing to engage in discussions about reconciliation. Inform her that your decision is final and that you need space.
**Focus on your own well-being.** Prioritize your own mental and emotional health. Remember that you deserve a stable and fulfilling life without the chaos and uncertainty that your wife's behavior brings.
**Seek support.** Surround yourself with friends, family, or a therapist who can provide you with objective perspectives and emotional support during this difficult time.
**Practice self-care.** Engage in activities that promote your physical and mental well-being, such as exercise, meditation, or spending time in nature.
**Visualize the future.** Imagine a life without the constant drama and instability. Focus on the peace and tranquility that you and your children will experience once the divorce is finalized.
**Remember that it's a process.** Divorce is not always easy, and there will be moments when you question your decision. But remind yourself that you're making this choice for the long-term well-being of yourself and your family.

It's important to note that you should not feel pressured or guilty about your decision. Your wife's mental health issues do not excuse her infidelity or the harm she has caused. You have the right to protect yourself and your children from further pain and instability.

pissed_off_elbonian · 2024-01-08T18:31:42+00:00

That divorce is a light at the end of a very dark tunnel. The closer you get there, the faster you get to the finish line, the more control you’ll have over your life. Keep thinking about that sweet sweet moment. If she starts talking to you, just remember the hell that she put you through and how divorce will ensure that you will never have to go through that ever again.

Speesh-Reads · 2024-01-08T17:55:42+00:00

I’d want to know, if she can be rational, what she’s apologising for. Usually, it’s they’re not sorry for doing it, they’re sorry for getting caught. If all she can come up with is I’ll never do it again, don’t believe her. Take your kids away from her, you owe it to them. Think of them. Stay strong. You have friends here.

vector5633 · 2024-01-08T17:51:45+00:00

Sorry for what you are going through. But continue moving forward with your divorce. Your sanity and well-being is more important than anything else.

Do what you need to do to leave this marriage with your kids. Once a cheater, always a cheater!

Life will get better!

rickyspanish12345 · 2024-01-08T17:46:56+00:00

Sorry you're in this mess. It'll get better.

Many here are advising therapy and a grey rock approach for your BDP wife. My wife is BDP and I did both.

First my therapist was extremely helpful. I called one morning after a nasty fight that my wife started while we were out for reasons I don't even remember. After three years of her shit and feeling trapped I called a therapist line that my work provided. I never in a million years thought I would need therapy. The guy was awesome and calling was one of the best moves I made in a long time. I see him every couple of weeks for about three months now.

When dealing with BDP it's different for everyone because it's a spectrum. Grey rocking my wife only enraged her more, made her feel unloved, and had her threatening to kill herself. My therapist told me to speak in "I feel" statements. So you'd say "I feel like you're not willing to listen to me and that hurts me" or "I feel like your jealousy is ruining our relationship".

That usually slowed my wife down when she was having one of her weekly meltdowns.

He also advised more or less to treat her like a child. Not in a condescending asshole way, but communicate clearly and firmly. "I will sit here and drink my beer and we will leave when I am ready. You do not dictate my movements".

Anyway, the point is get a therapist asap.

KenDM0 · 2024-01-08T17:44:18+00:00

Okay no full divorce. Do the divorce without alimony!

Winter_Cattle_2133 · 2024-01-08T21:20:39+00:00

Me Reading the headline well...the majority don't last but yes you can move past cheating.

Me opening the post and seeing 'she has bpd'

Yeah, that's a no for me dog.

Relative-Visit-1917 · 2024-01-08T17:35:12+00:00

I’m not going to cheer you on for divorce. The target isn’t divorce. The target is doing what’s best for your family.

If you haven’t, do marital discernment therapy. That’s where everything is out on the table. If she truly has a BPD diagnosis, there’s meds and therapy for that. Is she taking the drugs? Is she going to her therapy appointments?

jimsmythee · 2024-01-08T17:21:58+00:00

Keep steady! Get that divorce. The 2024 you has got to stick to it. She's not going to get any better. She's only going to get worse.

Why?

Look forward to the 2025 version of you.

Is that You-in-2025 going to say, "thank you 2024Me for divorcing her!" Or is the You-in-2025 going to say, "Awww crap. 2024me was such a f$*#*g dumb@ss! I'm still stuck dealing with this. She cheated again!"

WildernessHuntin · 2024-01-08T17:11:47+00:00

It’s difficult divorcing no matter the scenario. It sounds like you already know what has to be done.

Advice wise, maybe read “No More Mr. Nice Guy.”

As many have said “Gray Rock”

When you feel weak, Remind yourself that cheaters always cheat again, it’s a character flaw. Do you want to re-experience this time and time again.

Know that it gets easier once you don’t have to live with them, focus on getting to that point, stay the course.

Good luck.

Classic_Dill · 2024-01-08T17:02:31+00:00

She has a mental disorder, so sadly, she's not a trustworthy narrator, do this for your kids and for your mental and physical health, she needs help, a lot of it, but you dont need to be beat on either, she will cheat again and again, cheaters cheat. You'll be OK, but you owe her between noting and zero.

Good Luck, watch for her to get really scary as the divorce grows near and she knows you aren't coming back. She has a mental disorder, dont slam her to the kids ever, its a lose/lose always be the Man! in control, confident and both hands on the wheel, feel free to cry behind closed doors though.

Lack of boundaries will destroy you, you need to work on your self respect, because when you dont know your worth? you will always give yourself away at a deep discount.

Grey rock her, she will debate you on everything.

Diablo_Canyon2 · 2024-01-08T16:56:28+00:00

Stay the course.

Mavik52 · 2024-01-08T16:28:52+00:00

Continue on with the divorce as if your life depends on it, because it does. You stated clearly what your problem is. You have weak boundaries. Highly recommend you find a therapist and let them know you need immediate guidance on how to set and hold very firm boundaries.

In the meantime you grey rock. With BPD, if they are in a manic phase you stand no chance debating or discussing anything with them. Conflict actually energies them where it's a major energy drain for a mentally healthy person. You don't stand a chance so don't play the game. Grey Rock, STFU.

Visual-Effect-3340 · 2024-01-08T16:23:40+00:00

Grey rock bro. Try and ignore and cut her out of your day to day life as much as possible. Keep it to the kids stuff only

black65Cutlass · 2024-01-08T16:15:42+00:00

I would follow through with the divorce. My ex-wife was very likely undiagnosed BPD, very impulsive and near the end was serial cheating, meeting strangers for sex from the internet. If the marriage has gotten worse over 15 years it will likely not get better any time soon if she isn't working on herself. Even if she is, you won't likely see much improvement for a long time.

Don't engage in emotional discussions. Keep things matter of fact. Only respond with basic answers if you must engage, facts only. Do not give them any kind of emotional responses. I pretended to be nice to my ex-wife during the divorce process, helped her pack her stuff, helped her move her stuff. She thought we would be great friends after the divorce was final. I was only nice to her to get her out faster and without any meltdowns. Once the divorce was final and all necessary transactions were done, I went completely no contact. None. I changed my phone number, and ignored any attempts by her to contact me. My divorce was final almost 2 years ago and I have been no contact for 18 months.

Good luck to you, I know how difficult these relationships are. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

swrdfsh2 · 2024-01-08T15:45:27+00:00

There isn't enough information in your post to provider a proper perspective.

Ages? Kids? Own a home? Substantial assets? Length of marriage? State?

The advise you're likely to receive here is to continue down the divorce path, especially after infidelity.

Ruggiard · 2024-01-08T15:41:22+00:00

Very sorry to hear that. Her condition might explain the motivation of the act. The fact that it happened means that she also followed through on it and that she quite possibly will do so again. The salient point is that actions have consequences and cheating is a fundamental breach of trust and terminates the basis for a relationship according to the standards you set for yourself (as do most of us). Her feeling sorry makes it more pathetic and - frankly - dumber.

Take a time out (with a communication blockade). Write down what it is that happened, what the facts are and what your assumptions are. If you are happy with the facts and your assumptions. Draw your conclusion and set a target of what you want to achieve (divorce) and what you stand to gain from it once this target has been achieved (finding someone great, being happy alone, providing a stable environment for your kids).

Then make an action plan of what you need to do to get to the initial target. What are negotiables (maybe joint custody), what are no-gos (definitely no joint custody). Don't get bogged down in partial negotiations, lose sight of the goal or get softened up by the disfunctional patterns that had worked in the past.

I know this is a "tunnel view" approach, which is why I recommend working towards a positive goal for yourself and your children and always ask yourself if an interaction with your STBX will help achieve that ultimate objective or will diminish the prospects.

Good luck, man! Keep us posted

potatotornado44 · 2024-01-08T15:35:12+00:00

Nope. Don’t fall for the crocodile tears.

I doubt she was upset when the other guy had his D inside her.

Cheater’s don’t change. It WILL happen again.

goodolddaysare-today · 2024-01-08T15:33:17+00:00

BPD is the biggest red flag of all. Run for your life, record everything because she’ll probably hit herself to claim you did it, and seek therapy once you’re rid of her.

Folks with poorly managed BPD are a threat to society at large

cdjohnny · 2024-01-08T15:20:29+00:00

All I can say is my ex is BPD, cheated on me and the first day I moved out I felt like I had just been paroled. I've never looked back and my life has been drastically better. You might also think about how BPDs devalue people, i.e. YOU. Her motivation is focused on herself and her needs, not you. You are merely an object to get what she wants and most likely to maintain her own imagined self identity and perception of what others think about her.

Kwen_Oellogg · 2024-01-08T15:16:44+00:00

She's not sorry she cheated. She's sorry she's going to suffer the consequences.

She doesn't respect you brother. Stay strong and get the trash out of your life.

RichardCleveland · 2024-01-08T15:10:25+00:00

You 100% need a therapist to help you navigate through this. I got one 3 days after my wife demanded a divorce and she really helped me become a stronger man. I was able to avoid manipulation, and keep my emotions in check. She also constantly reminded me that my own mental health, and my kids came first!

jkw118 · 2024-01-08T15:10:00+00:00

So my ex did this crap and has BP2 (She'd known about it since college, had never told me. " I found out when she started taking meds that made her hallucinate, so that was fun" , constant back and forth etc.. Don't loose confidence.)

I had to greyrock. Essentially consider any kind of communication you get from her, as like talking to a teen kid. You get what they want, but it's really not the healthiest for you and the kids.

And keep thinking of it as, this is healthiest for yourself and for the kids. When you divorce you will find that it can be alot easier for counseling (which you and the kids need) and she may fight you on it. But think of it as a requirement. My ex did tons of things that have essentially given our kids PTSD.. And she had them so fearful to tell me.

Gemsix · 2024-01-08T15:03:34+00:00

You start by prioritizing your children’s mental health instead of your need to “fix” your wife due to insecurities within yourself.

Don’t damage your kids any further.

Just being real with you, DAD.

ballzdeepinbacon · 2024-01-08T14:44:32+00:00

Get a therapist for yourself. Write a list of all the negative impacts she’s had on you and your children’s lives. Then sit and think of putting them through a renewal of your relationship and a future breakup again. Cycles happen, this will likely happen again.

Title	She is apologizing for cheating and begging to withdraw from divorce.
Author	pre-chrono
Upvotes	54
Comments	60
Date	January 8, 2024 2:32 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/191mj8q/she_is_apologizing_for_cheating_and_begging_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/she-is-apologizing-for-cheating-and-begging-to.1242507 https://theredarchive.com/post/1242507

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