FDS when you're down on your looks

scorchedsouI · 2021-11-18T09:54:28+00:00

You should only date once you feel better about your physical appearance, but you should keep in mind that this is more so a change of mindset than a change of your physical appearance.

A beautiful woman can be just as insecure as a woman that isn't considered attractive, and she could also have body dysmorphia.

However that doesn't mean that by taking care of yourself and further developing your "beauty" skills you won't feel better about yourself.

Maintaining impeccable hygiene, including lots of fruits and vegetables in your diet and exercising regularly not only make you physically healthier and more attractive, but these things also improve your mental health. With improved mental health you can more accurately gauge how attractive you are, but also appreciate yourself as you are.

As for makeup and fashion, these things aren't inherent talents. You can look up videos on YouTube on how to learn to do these things better, figure out your kibbe type and put in some effort. In a month you'll have it all figured out.

MufflerFromDownUnder · 2021-11-18T07:41:05+00:00

If you haven’t given exercise a shot, do it because it is great for mental and physical health. You will feel better and look your best.

Level up in as many areas as you can because when you feel great, you will want great things in your life.

oceanbreeze88 · 2021-11-18T08:58:08+00:00

I would wait until you feel good physically, ONLY because it’s best you’re dating when you’re most confident. That’s me though. I’ve dated when I’ve been in a slump place and for me it didn’t turn out well, LVM experiences, I allowed a bit of my insecurity in that slump place to date down, allowed behavior to slide I normally wouldn’t.. so actually if you’re able to date from that queen space just as you would when you’re feeling your best, you can assure yourself youll hold your boundaries etc., go ahead

Platipus6 · 2021-11-18T07:09:01+00:00

if a short, obese dude who didn't shave and had facial problems

Do you think he was agonizing on the internet about being ready to date haha

You're fine.

whiskey_and_oreos · 2021-11-18T07:18:55+00:00

I have some thoughts.

Re: the ex scrote, that comment about your looks was projection and an attempt to devalue you so you'd stick around. Glad he's an ex.

Next, have you looked around? The average woman is gorgeous and the average man needs to step it up. And in this almost post-covid world, I've been seeing more women embracing the extra weight and "imperfections" than ever before.

Finally, the idea that someone will be healed and hit a goal weight and get that promotion and all the stars will align or whatever is all bs. We're all works in progress all of the time. That's just life. So dress up in something you feel good in and take some new photos and put yourself out there! And being realistic, it's mostly scrotes out here so it'll be a minute before you match with anyone and go on a date. (I've been on OLD for over a month and have had zero matches because I'm ruthlessly vetting and no one's been up to par 🤷🏻)

Aocwannabe · 2021-11-18T08:21:59+00:00

💡Being conventionally beautiful will attract more men that want to have sex with you NOT men who want to love you and be a good partner to you.💡

Yes, your looks matter. BUT this is easily worked on and you do NOT need to be perfect. Instead of focusing on losing weight, focus on impeccable grooming- if you always smell nice, always moisturize, get adequate beauty sleep, drink water and gently move your body both your mood and looks will be positively enhanced.

Also, physical movement like exercise, yoga and dance are great channels for your sexual energy and also keep you in good shape for when you meet a man deserving of being in your bed.

Do something you ENJOY. I ❤️ dancing because music and it’s a little bit social.

Follow FDS religiously and maybe try dating in a detached way so that you can hone your gut instinct.

It is straight men’s jobs to reinforce our self- esteem (we need to have healthy self- esteem intact to avoid 🤡🤡) and to make us feel beautiful and loved when we are in relationships with them. This whole “women are needy” and it isn’t your man’s job to make you feel secure is nonsense and every man I’ve been with in a serious relationship has adored telling me I’m beautiful 10 times a day. It’s way cheaper than conflict free diamonds.🤣

Suspicious_Bad_5178 · 2021-11-18T12:32:01+00:00

" I still feel like if a short, obese dude who didn't shave and had facial problems didn't want me, no HVM will."

I feel this and understand how it must have felt. But let's reframe it? He KNEW he was an obese dude who didn't shave and had facial problems. He wanted to knock your confidence down so you didn't acknowledge you were much better than him and deserved much better than him.

The only boyfriend who would call me fat was...... fat. And hairy. And short. So yeah, it affected me for a while but now I know he was trying to make me think staying with him was the only option.

bleda_princezna · 2021-11-18T07:11:49+00:00

I'm not going to give you advice in the confidence department, because I'm struggling with this one myself, but... I have to comment on your ex.

There have been some posts lately where someone took screenshots of comments on social media that were made toward stunningly looking women about how they have too much of this or too little of that. Followed by a screenshot of the dudes' pfp that made the comment.

Sis, that shit was hilarious! Scrotes that look homeless commenting on women who look like supermodels! I'm not sure what the titles were, but I highly recommend trying to find these if you haven't already seen them.

My point is, it's always the ugly scrotes who are going to shower you with criticism. Oftentimes talking shit about things that are perfectly normal. That's why you got insulted so many times by your troll looking ex, you weren't the problem. He probably salivates over anime girls, you know, realistic expectations and all.

Confident good looking men won't shit on you for looking a certain way. Yes, not every HVM will want you, but there are so many things at play, he might like you physically, but won't share the same values. Or he doesn't feel attracted to you, that's normal. You won't feel attracted to every HVM either. You also won't list all the things you don't like, talk shit to him for being a certain way. Who does that?

Don't be too hung up on what your ex told you. He's your ex for a reason. Sounds like a miserable time to be around him, no HV person behaves this way.

BooksandEarlGreyTea · 2021-11-18T10:41:13+00:00

Lots of ladies have given you great advice so I will just focus on the makeup part because I too don't know how to use makeup through my own choice (I prefer the extra sleep).

Most men can't tell when a women is wearing makeup unless it is heavily applied like you see in glam looks on Youtube videos. Seriously, if you stick on some lipstick they won't notice that is all the makeup you are wearing. You don't need to gain makeup artist levels of skill unless it is something you want for you.

Brows and lips are wear it is at in my opinion, a nice lipstick and a brow product to fill in your brows if you have gaps in you eyebrows (I naturally do). They frame your face well and I think elevate your look with minimal effort.

And yes, I skip foundation and concealer so I do still go out with my spots on display. It is hard when you are a perfectionist, I do feel sad sometimes I don't have perfect skin and still get spots around my period and I do still compare to photos of other ladies looking fabulous.

It helps to remember a lot of those photos are edited after the photo was taken, there is a good chance they themselves don't look as perfect as the image they are trying to portray (this might be easier for me because I saw the hours my mum spent editing all the photographs she had taken).

The_Cat_Empress · 2021-11-18T15:14:38+00:00

Lol first off, I’m average looking too and will NOT accept an obese dude. Obese men tend to let other things in their life slide around the board. Sometimes they are really nice but you have to draw a line. If you want to lose weight at all I say do it for the confidence boost. (I’m still working on this too) It’s a tough feeling and I’m really happy you posted this because I was feeling the same doubts myself.

IrenesQueendom · 2021-11-18T12:07:52+00:00

I'm waiting until I feel good about my physical appearance to date. I don't want to settle just because I think I deserve less because of my appearance. It's not just about the way I look - it's about what I do to look the way I want to look. These small actions and their results show that I have high standards for myself and care about myself.

Edit: Comments here are saying if short obese men have the audacity to date around, you should, too. But the difference between you and them is that these entitled scrotes are delusionally egotistical and have an overly inflated sense of self-worth. You need to build your self-esteem, and if putting more effort in your appearance will help you be more confident, do that first before you make your insecurities vulnerable to be taken advantage of.

revengeofgivingtree · 2021-11-18T16:35:06+00:00

Listen to the podcast episode with Dr. Gail Dines, she talks about makeup in a relevant way.

Don't start dating until your confidence is rock solid. LVM can smell any vulnerabilities you might have and will prey on you.

Taffeta_Dream · 2021-11-18T11:05:48+00:00

Oh hell no. Oh no. Do NOT think you have to fit some non existent man’s ‘ideal’ to date. Because fuck that - the ideal for women is impossible to meet. Do you work? Look after yourself? Good hygiene? Kind heart? Interests and hobbies that don’t revolve around porn? You are already so much better than most men. Do not get down on yourself for going though life’s physical changes. You’re more than that and you’re worth more than that. You’re okay. Don’t go to the gym before dating, but do get therapy to work on your self love and confidence. I promise you you’re beautiful

drowsypillowprincess · 2021-11-18T16:15:57+00:00

I’d personally wait to date until you feel better about you. You don’t need to feel 100% confident and happy with where you are physically, emotionally, and mentally, but can you get to 70%? 80%?

I only say this because it’s important we feel deserving of HV treatment or we risk settling for less than we deserve. Going into the dating pool with a “please love me; please validate” me mindset is dangerous because LVM can smell the low self-esteem and, like the predators they are, will sniff it out and love bomb, gaslight, beg, and manipulate you into an abusive relationship.

Ultimately, self-worth must come from within. So I echo everyone else here in focusing on leveling up right now until you feel better about yourself. Don’t chase perfection (I’m a type A person too) just focus on setting small, achievable goals around your wants and needs, not what you think a HVM would want.

For example, you specifically mention feeling self-conscious about extra weight, but I wouldn’t aim to lose weight to attract men. Instead, I’d aim to feel healthy and strong by incorporating an exercise routine that makes you feel good and changing your diet to help you feel healthier (whatever that means for your dietary needs).

I’d look at your career and ask yourself where you want to be in 5 years. Do you need to go back to school? Get further training? Propose new projects?

I’d look at your finances and set goals for savings, retirement, investments, etc.

I’d look at your social group and see if you want to be more adventurous in meeting new people, or perhaps more conservative and work on severing the relationships that no longer serve you.

I’d look at your living space and see what you need to curate and what you want to add to make the space feel more like you.

I’d look at your spirituality and see if you want to reconnect to a faith you’ve left behind, explore other spiritual avenues, or embrace personal growth away from organized religion.

And I’d do all this one tiny step at a time with the goal being feeling better about who you are, inside and out, NOT your potential attraction to a HVM.

I hope this helps. Best of luck. I am also experiencing this journey of leveling up one step, one day at a time. It’s not easy, but I remember to count every single win because I deserve to be proud of where I am and where I am going.

iggypiggyfiggy · 2021-11-18T16:42:56+00:00

Also, please consider that this ugly troll of a “man” you dated likely really did a number on your confidence. You might not be seeing yourself in the most favourable way. But your perception is likely skewed. I know that’s how I was/have been feeling after my break up. I know I’m a pretty girl but I just was not feeling like it at all.

Go to the gym, treat yourself to some new clothes, a fresh haircut and you’ll be golden. Just focus on your self-care. Little things like eyebrows and doing face masks helps too. Confidence is the most attractive thing about any person and once you start to build yourself up again, you’ll have no problem starting to date. I’d stay off dating apps and the like, however. Join a class where you can meet some new girlfriends and go from there! You got this 🤗

nothingt0say · 2021-11-18T10:31:39+00:00

I am waiting a full year after leaving my X. (Actually I say I am never dating again haha) But getting in better shape is HUGE for me I could never undress in front of someone unless I feel 100% confident.

I think you need to wait on dating because you have still internalized low self esteem from your scrote X!! You deserve to looks and feel your best and to be treated like a precious treasure. When you believe this 100% then you will be able to weed out scrotes no problem. I am worried that now, all one would have to do is pick up in your insecurities and he could manipulate you easily

TigreImpossibile · 2021-11-18T13:30:46+00:00

I think you've received some great advice, I would only suggest working on your personal beliefs about yourself and about dating and about life.

I would choose some meditations on YouTube that work on self-love and self-worth. You don't need to look a certain way to be worthy of love, you are perfect and worthy NOW. You just need to believe it 💜

Also, when out there dating, try to think of yourself and defend yourself the way you would a beloved daughter. Would you let this absolute dumb fuck speak to your cherished daughter the way he just spoke to you? Don't allow it for a second. Be ruthless and unapologetic. You deserve someone that treats you with love and respect, and you deserve to be cherished. The way you look doesn't matter.

As others have pointed out, being "hot" just attracts more scrotes that wanna use you to have sex with you. Quality over quantity any day.

I also recommend working out, not to "get hot", but because it's good for you mentally and physically. Good luck 🥰

ax1zula · 2021-11-18T09:12:22+00:00

The best advice I can give you is to develop a sense of worth that isn't dependent on the male gaze. Pick up a sport or other type of physical activity that connects you physically to your body. Try to find what makes you feel beautiful.

I rather not date when I have insecurities like this since you're more at risk for developing a dependency on male validation. Develop a strong sense of self-worth by yourself.

Ok-Yogurtcloset3467 · 2021-11-18T17:26:39+00:00

Id say you don't have to look better. Not at all. You should feel better though. Work on improving your self esteem before you enter the dating pool.

Only because its the only way you will not given and lower your standards. And scrotes will work hard to try and ruin your self esteem - it doesn't help if it's already low

AmethystAngel86 · 2021-11-18T07:10:43+00:00

I feel exactly the same way! I would also benefit from the responses to this post 🙂

peacockstrutt · 2021-11-18T11:55:55+00:00

I just think you need to work on your confidence and self-image first, not necessarily change your physical appearance. It's a battle zone out there on these dating apps, men will sniff out someone vulnerable and insecure like a moth to a flame. If you wait until you're in a better head place, you'll be better able to stand your guard against LVM & scrotes. Have you tried CBT affirmations or positive self-talk? That guy you dated probably just said those things to hurt you, he obviously thought you were attractive enough to date so don't let his insults get to you, sis!

sassyheather · 2021-11-18T14:19:03+00:00

I can give you an exercise related tip: look up Pamela Reif, she makes home workout plans that are different each week and with different difficulty levels. They are free and short - from 20 to 45 mins I think, you choose.

As for make-up, IF you are interested and want to learn, look up some blogs and YouTube vids on beginner techniques. But I have always found that the biggest thing to make my skin feel pretty wasn’t make up, but the skincare I put under it. Spoil yourself with some new face creams, serums, cleansers, etc. It’s such an interesting topic to educate yourself on and you learn a lot about your skin.

BedazzledSwashbuckle · 2021-11-18T15:44:32+00:00

I'd suggest making a fake profile - grab something off thispersondoesnotexist.com - and check out both other women's profiles on your app of choice, as well as the men (gay and straight).

I think seeing that there are other very real, completely imperfect, but still rather interesting humans out there giving life a shot will give you the courage to do the same. To be open, I did this when I was getting back into the dating pool years ago, and made a male profile (clearly fake, one photo that was horrible, zero prompts filled out - I'm not tryin' to catfish anyone) and checked out what other men and women were posting. Plenty of people are clearly imperfect, but still seemed like fun, interesting individuals that would be a blast to hang out with, and it gave me the courage to stick my neck out (and I did meet my now-husband through a friend of a guy who I did meet on OLD, so ... you never know). Reality is usually less scary than our anxious imaginations.

xfelugirlx · 2021-11-18T17:55:36+00:00

Don’t date if you have low self steem even when you think you have plenty of that you never have enough. Self love isnt about weight or fitting standars is about feeling good and respecting yourself. Don’t date if you can’t be nice to yourself. Start working out if that make you feel better and you can start watching makeup tutorials

pinkcorolla · 2021-11-18T23:16:18+00:00

You should wait until you feel better about yourself because, from my experience anyway, when I felt badly of myself I let so many red flags slide that I normally wouldn’t have. For example, a scrote I blocked everywhere changed his number and contacted me but because I was feeling down I entertained it for a couple of days before I blocked which I normally would do in the first instance.

womaninprogressfor7 · 2021-11-18T13:38:44+00:00

I would wait a little longer, maybe after the new year and after Valentine's day. Just so you can skip some of the games by lonely losers needing dates to parties...but really, I would say wait because I think we women tend to start in on these things before we are actually ready.

I agree with the commenter who said that you will have an easier time rejecting the unworthy if you are feeling more confident. Work on yourself a bit longer. Get in the right head space. Enjoy finding some things that make you happy.

Some other comments talked about their favorite forms of exercise: I'm obsessed with Barre Method. You can find lots of workouts on YouTube. It feels so good. Small, isolated, low impact movement for an intense workout. Good for apartment dwellers since you don't need a ton of space and you won't make a lot of noise. The movements are things you can do throughout the day. LoL I challenged myself to exercise instead of standing around with the microwave/coffee maker running.

IchBinPlatzEinsJa · 2021-11-18T13:42:55+00:00

First thing, you are your own worst critic. Also, men tend to rate themselves higher in attractiveness than they actually are and women tend to rate ourselves lower than we are.

Second, I back up the exercise suggestions because not only will it help you lose adipose weight and gain lean muscle, which in turn burns more calories, the chemicals released make you feel happier and it’s great stress release.

Definitely work on your mental and emotional readiness before dating.

Also, uglier men tend to be the most critical of women because they like to bring women down to boost themselves up. Don’t give those toads the satisfaction of your self doubt.

23eggz · 2021-11-18T15:57:34+00:00

I hope I explain this in a way that makes sense, but I think your confidence may improve if you feel a greater sense of control of your looks. Simply changing up your hairstyle can make you feel more refreshed in your look. Buying some quality everyday jewellery can make you feel more put together without trying much. Even just shifting your dressing style a little bit..

It might feel like these things don't make a difference but in my opinion, the way we present ourselves is so much more important to perceived beauty than our baseline features. For this reason, taking control of your presentation can really help boost your confidence.

driftinglochawe · 2021-11-18T17:32:21+00:00

I know this feeling very well and I wouldn't rush back into dating yet. From your post I feel you still need to like and love yourself more. There's been so much great advice on the comments already about looking after yourself physically so I'd like to add in looking after yourself mentally and emotionally.

This includes dating yourself - you don't have to wait around for someone else to see that new film or show with, go to the cinema or theatre by yourself. Enjoy a particular cuisine? Take yourself to that restaurant or café. Bring a book, watch some Netflix on your phone, or have a good people watching session. I love wandering round a museum or gallery for hours on a rainy afternoon by myself too.

You could also take up anew hobby either by yourself or look for classes in your area if you're looking to make new friends. Even fixing and doing things around your home via a YouTube tutorial will give you an immense sense of accomplishment. I also recently went through all my clothes and anything that was still in good condition but wasn't my style, I gave to charity. Now I have a bit more space and I did something good.

snowwhite224 · 2021-11-18T16:21:31+00:00

Absolutely wait until you feel confident! I used to be down on my looks too.

I decided to level up physically as well as emotionally. I got braces, I started watching YouTube videos about skincare and purchase safe products that have now completely gotten rid of my acne (Thanks, Dr. Dray! Seriously… look her up!) and now I’m in the process and leveling up my hair routine. Throwing our old products, cheap shampoos that dried out my hair. I went to Sephora recently and got some higher end products but you can still find nice items at the drug store as well.

Start small and work your way up!! Everyone is a work in progress :)

Noemie_Mathilde · 2021-11-19T00:37:05+00:00

The ugly troll of a man was just that. You're a Queen. Hold your head high.

I'm a "conventionally beautiful" woman and have also struggled with body image and liking my looks--the messages the world and media bombard women with are insidious. I even had ex-boyfriends neg me for being "too glamourous" and begged me to just wear jeans and t-shirts.

Working on self-love and self esteem is so important. Take the time to get into a better mindset. It takes time, but you will get there!

I recently learned a useful affirmation from FDS twitter:

"I'm so magnificent, majestic, magnetic, mesmerising, unforgettable and irresistable".

I think it has real power!

Noemie_Mathilde · 2021-11-19T00:40:48+00:00

Also this video explains some useful style tips for body-flattering fashion (can make you feel so much better than body-con styles) https://youtu.be/zybhYJ0vGCU

TikiTikiTata-chalala · 2021-11-19T19:07:39+00:00

So, since you aren't confident in yourself I'd say no to dating rn. Scrotes can smell it or something and you'll attract LVM right now -which will falsely make you believe that your ex was right.

Focus on leveling up, and meeting people outside the realm of dating. Join a gym with classes so you can make friends in the class and try a new hobby. Any professional exams or goals you want to achieve? Like a language class or something? That will put you in a room of like minded people.

Start playing with makeup!!! It's never too late to have fun with makeup. I only figured out a few weeks ago that I prefer using my fingers for eyeshadow over a brush, I feel like I blend it better and tbh I didn't know I could do makeup on my eyes like that. The only thing I'll say from my personal experience, is that if I've done my eyes I don't want to do my lips, and vice versa. I got into the makeup game late and so if I"m wearing lips and eyes I feel overdone and uncomfortable.

Also play around with your hair and wardrobe! There's a lot of exploring to do. I've found that I get the most LVM attention when I'm dressed down, but when I change my wardrobe so my casual clothes look chic and expensive and coordinated suddenly I get 0 unwanted LVM attention. And the same for my hair, when it was long I just kept it up bc I didn't know what to do with it, but when I chop it short I'm willing to play with it and try different styles. The more you put into your wardrobe and grooming, the more LVM will think you're too much work.

wavesandtea · 2021-11-19T22:02:59+00:00

Wow all the comments here are FIRE. Definitely saving this post, it’s such a gem.

KindredMaximus · 2021-11-20T01:06:33+00:00

This is such a good question. I often feel the same esp. after putting on weight. However, I've noticed over the years that people who aren't what I'd classify as ''good looking'' being thought to be so, because they dress well, have their hair done and have confidence. But objectively without all of that, they'd be quite plain.
For myself - I'm waiting until I've lost the weight because it affects my mindset too much but it really shouldn't be a problem because high value people don't view humans the way low value humans do. I would never think to judge someone this way - but I judge myself ALL THE TIME.
And lol - I'm right there with you that I might be 80 before I'm ready if I don't work on my mindset first. I just wanted to post to let you know - it's not a dumb question and your feelings are valid and you're not alone. And also - you are probably being way more critical of yourself than anyone else would ever be.
No matter what - you have value in this world and having extra kilos or not being a super model does not detract from your inherent value nor your right to be treated well in this world. You deserve to be treated the way you treat others - and you know you would never say the things you say about yourself to others.

pickadaisy · 2021-11-20T04:28:40+00:00

Girl, you don’t need to believe you deserve anything. Sure, I want you to grow in that regard, but it’s not a requirement. You just have to widen your eyes to the fact that men have the audacity to believe they are entitled to whatever they want. Queen, do you want it? Then find the inner male entitlement within and have the fucking audacity.

There are literally no consequences to believing you should get what you want even if you don’t deserve it.

Fun fact: men will apply to a job if they are 60% competent in their ability while women apply once they’ve reached 100%. We can stop trying to deserve and earn shit and just take it.

ifhewantedtohewould · 2021-11-18T07:58:45+00:00

r/femalelevelupstrategy would be more appropriate. Also, don’t date when you’re insecure, nothing good comes from it - LVM can sniff insecurity. Work on yourself first because all that matters is you.

SupremeDearLeader · 2021-11-18T15:23:02+00:00

LVM/ NVM can smell low self esteem from 10 miles away , it's an aphrodisiac to them. Want to have YOUR choice of better men? Exercise [ eat clean drink h20] get your body tight, get your face game tight, hair game and men will drool and you get to reject whomever doesn't meet YOUR criteria .

Title	FDS when you're down on your looks
Author	aurelia_86
Upvotes	343
Comments	82
Date	November 18, 2021 6:55 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qwk01f/fds_when_youre_down_on_your_looks/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/fds-when-youre-down-on-your-looks.1083508 https://theredarchive.com/post/1083508