Forever girlfriends turned wives

herbivorouscarnivore · 2022-02-25T01:30:40+00:00

The only friend I have who got engaged, then married, after 5+ years of dating met her now-husband during their freshman year of college. They were always a solid couple, but wanted to finish school and start careers. I think that’s what made them an exception: they had their forever plan and were literally just making sure they crossed off certain things first.

I have acquaintances who have yet to realize they’re wasting their time. 5+ years to get engaged and another 5+ years with no wedding plan? Sis…

souredskittles · 2022-02-25T01:46:03+00:00

Yes I’ve seen this. He always seems so unenthused with her and yet she’s so in love with him. She got the ring but is that the life anyone wants to live?

millions_ofpeachs4me · 2022-02-25T02:19:01+00:00

I know two couples. One got together as college freshmen. She definitely wanted to get married much sooner than they did, and they finally tied the knot after something like 12 or 13 years. Over drinks one night she revealed how she got him to propose. He always wanted to do anal, and she was against it unless he put a ring on it. Finally he did and now she’s stuck doing anal with him like once or twice a month, but, uhhhh… at least they both got their way?? 🤢😱🤡

Other couple is a lot older, like mid-40s, and dating for 8+ years. Same deal - she wanted to get married and he didn’t because he was (and still is) a late-40s Peter Pan. I think one day she drew a line in the sand and told him to propose by a certain date or she’s gone. He did it and she’s over the moon with wedding planning while he has nothing to do with it.

Why drag a damn ball and chain of a man through life?? Is fear of being single really that strong?

frostedgemstone · 2022-02-25T05:19:56+00:00

Men don’t need more than 2 years if they’re serious and happy with her. Personally I’ve never been proven wrong.

juicyjuicery · 2022-02-25T01:48:51+00:00

Somewhere between the ages of 35-45, men go from being bachelors/boyfriend to Peter Pan/weirdos if they don’t get married. Most of them only do it because of societal pressure

InspectorGadget07 · 2022-02-25T04:48:10+00:00

I see this with my former boss. I can’t tell you how the marriage goes because they’ve been dating 11-12+ years and still aren’t there yet.

Here’s what I did see: He had a hungry look on the job. You know when men are sizing women up to see if they can be with them? You all know the look 👀 men have or the way they look at attractive women when they’re actively hungry/ hunting/ interested. It’s the wild man look. Not the committed man look. He had it with me when we first met- going out of his way to get next to me on pretext especially on days I was looking particularly pretty. He quickly learned that wasn’t in the cards and that we didn’t mesh in that way anyway- so we developed more of a paternal mentor- mentee relationship. I for my part was shocked to find out he had someone he considered and called a wife because he was giving out clear hunting vibes. so the kind of dynamic this creates is a man who’s with you but still actively searching for better when your back is turned and it’s a humiliating thing because every other woman and man around can see the lack of commitment

He flirted very openly and brazenly with a colleague who worked with him to the point were people on the floor were talking about how uncomfortable it made them and if they fucked. It was done so openly it’s almost like he was getting off on being able to do that right in front of everyone and no one question him or stop him as a show of his power and importance there, KWIM. We all saw him do it several times a week and they would sometimes disappear together for all 50 minutes+ on long “walks”. One day I saw them heading out on one of these long walks coming down the office hall together there hands just half an inch from touching. It was the slow walk you do after a date when you’re just about to spontaneously hold hands or kiss. Same energy. He would often have her walk him out to say good bye before long trips and the two of them would disappear together like 1 hour. Of course, when his long time gf came into the office he’d make a huge show of “honoring” her as his wife who no one must disturb etc etc and making sure all the staff respected her/ treated her like a queen

As for his “wife”, I sensed signs of her insecurity in the relationship and lack of trust. I’m about 20 years younger than her and pretty and when he took me under his wing to mentor; develop professionally I think it created some anxiety in her though I never would’ve allowed it to go anywhere untowards. Before I even began working for him she immediately ran up to me on the street and chased me down a long city block to introduce herself as his “better half” (couldn’t use the term wife). I don’t know how she recognized me and ran down this street calling me by my name as we’d never ever met and i’d never seen her before in my life but I feel it was to befriend me and head off him taking a romantic interest in me. I get the impression he mayve used me and others to kind of triangulate her and signal to her he had options and she had competition- especially younger more attractive competition. Making me text him reminders daily at like 7 am when he was likely still in bed with her- so she can lay there insecure while he has his back turned and his phone going off with some younger pretty woman. Which he pretends to treat casually but isn’t coincidental at all- is totally designed for her discomfort and to create insecurity in her

I had access to his email for practical purposes and was authorized to look in there for things. One day I ran across an email exchange between him and the gf, he had while in another state on business. It was him saying: Just checking in. See I’m not cheating. Hahaha!

Long after I stopped working for him I mentioned it to a gf and we both agreed that’s not even something you joke about in a healthy relationship that isn’t struggling. Like why even bring that up, even as a joke if she hadn’t already expressed some insecurity or concern about it. I’ve no doubt it was a running theme in their relationship.

Lastly, I ran across an exchange one day with him talking to some old professional colleagues. He’d called his forever gfs kids his step kids so they replied: Omg. Did you two finally tie the knot. He replied back in a kind of locker room derisive way: You know I would never. Now you all know me better than that!!

It’s almost like he was stringing her along calling her wife and making a big show of giving her that position in front of her but then being made the butt of the joke among his boys- for even thinking he’d commit.

I was just thinking the other day- I’m sure she was constantly overperforming, putting up with all kinds of bs and just doing the absolute most in work- just to retain him

He’s not worth any of it

So they’re not married yet but you see the picture I paint. One of constant insecurity and chasing- trying to keep him in line, heading him off from cheating and getting with other women who seem better- on the women’s part (nothing more degrading and consistently corrosive to your self esteem) and one of thinking he’s the prize and outsmarting you and not going to be trapped or settle, while playing the fox and looking for better ass elsewhere behind your back-on his. Also probably openly embarrassing you and treating you with disrespect as well as acting like he’s doing you a favor just by being with you- because he thinks of being with you as settling/ not the best he could do and kind of resents you for “holding him down/ back”. Are you ready to see a man youve invested over a decade in get openly excited whenever he’s sees another younger woman or pretty woman or intelligent guy woman who stimulates him and who he thinks could be right for him- maybe even more right for him than you- after all your sacrifice?

For a lot of people who marry after 10+ years together I feel there are usually almost certainly fundamental flaws that caused it to take that long. Someone was dragging feet/ not fully committed from the start and someone else was over compensating or managing down expectations. An unhealthy dynamic. That flawed foundation is why they get married and 1-2 years in the whole thing cracks after all 10-12 year together. In almost all cases the guy never really wanted it and still fucking doesn’t

JulyParade · 2022-02-25T01:12:23+00:00

It's usually the man settling because his family is pushing for marriage. He's usually very non-committal about the whole thing. He's more excited about a bachelor party and tax break than he is about having a wife. Which is why it is so easy for these men to leave when they find something better or feel inconvenienced by marriage.

myheartisfulloflove · 2022-02-25T02:18:15+00:00

I was the forever GF. Dated for nearly 2 years, stayed engaged for 2 to nearly 3 years. We got married when he realized super quickly that he could not replace me. Back then that made me smug, but now I see that as pathetic and sad on both of our parts. We barely made it to our second wedding anniversary before the D word was uttered, and just like that, it was over.

Lots of people believe that one must date for anywhere between 3-5, to even 10 years, before putting a ring on it, but that just isn't true. There has been countless accounts of couples who got married before their first or second year of being together, and stayed together until their dying days. Men have told me in brutal honesty, "When we meet a woman, we know within a month or two if we want them as our girlfriends, and by the third month, we'll know that we want them to be our wives. Any longer than that, and he's just playing you."

mashibeans · 2022-02-25T01:00:26+00:00

100% the men are "settling," basically they get a mid-life crisis and figure they might as well just hang onto the one woman that chose to stick around. Hit life goal posts at the age we're "supposed" to: have their "LeGaCy" kids, marriage, have a mortgage, etc.

The thing is, if they "find" any woman later on, that they want to be with instead, they abso-fucking-lutely will drop their wives and kids like hot potatoes. Same with a woman contracting a harsh disease like cancer, most will choose to abandon her and get a new bangmaid that actually functions. (I feel gross just writing this)

Betty_Bottle · 2022-02-25T08:49:14+00:00

I know someone who has been with her boyfriend for 9 years. They finally got engaged in 2018 but still no signs of a wedding. I genuinely think he doesn't want to get married and I feel so bad for her when she talks of dresses and venues. If he wanted to propose he would have done it sooner, right? If he wanted to get married they'd be married or nearly married by now, right? But there's no telling her.

She then talks about my own boyfriend and how he's so in love with me he'll propose by Christmas this year. But I know full well that if he did she would HATE it and start spouting off to others about how it's "too soon" etc.

KetoKittenAround · 2022-02-25T08:54:14+00:00

It’s always so bitter when these women accept their crumb.

We are meant to cheer them and try to smooth over what we all know what happened. The most elaborate of Pre wedding crap is a symptom of it.

Because we all know the man finally “settled down” but we all know how much this beautiful woman gave up for her reluctant mate.

She could have found someone crazy about her. Now she has to ride this terrible ride that is more than likely going to end with her being saddled with this mama children and a new profile on a dating app.

Sad

Junior-Lion7893 · 2022-02-25T10:25:42+00:00

I have friends going to the same process. We’re all in our late 20’s to early 30’s.

Friend one: He proposed nearing ten years. She had to threaten him of leaving. I was MOH. In short, you could read all about it in one of the posts of FDS and how that’s going… In a nutshell, it’s bleak. There’s really no progress on the wedding because the brides doesn’t have her priorities in check. She sent him an email/clue to the wedding ring she wanted. He’s very lazy and expects her to do all the planning. Lots of people (including me) have pulled out of the wedding and are not attending due to her demands.

Friend2: Both got together in highschool and been together for over a decade. Just recently got engaged a few months ago. She wants kids by 30 and had a long conversation with him. Putting the wedding on hold due to Covid reasons. Moved back to live with her parents to save money. When asked about her wedding she gets frustrated. They both went to the store and got the ring together. At first, she didn’t believe in spending so much money money on the ring and settled. Now, she wants an expensive ring. Also, both families have never spoken or sat down for dinner during the time they were together and they live within walking distance.

Friend3: Dating a guy for five years with no sign of promise or marriage from him. There’s no commitment with him. She’s pretending like she doesn’t care, but she puts more into this relationship than he does.

Friend 4: he dated a girl for eight years and she dumped him over a small fight and he used that as a reason to leave her for good. Still not over her and constantly talks about her to his current gf. He lived in her (the ex’s) house, ate her food, and barely worked. She took care of him.

Co-worker: dated bf since middle school and they’re now thirty. He just proposed to her after she was seriously dropping hints. Her father bought her a house as a super early wedding gift to get the ball rolling. She’s from a prominent family. She was really worried wondered why he was taking too long. I actually knew the reason why, it was that he was trying to get the fathers blessing and could not have an actual conversation with her father since it was never a “good time”. He hadn’t bought a ring yet at the point, but the whole family didn’t care and they were quietly stewing and wondering when he was going to propose.

I’ll also tell you stories of friends that dated for less than 5 years

Friend6 : Studied in Europe and met the love of his life at school. Dated for two years and proposed to her a few months before he had to return and is in the process of getting her American citizenship. They’ve been together for two years.

Friend7 (more like mutual acquaintances): dated for about 3 years and he proposed. Both young working professionals making 60-80k annually currently living alone. He took her to his hometown and proposed. Simple as that.

Friend 8: Married his childhood friend from another country. Dated for a year and he liked her so he asked her father for his blessing to marry her. He flew over to propose to her with a giant ring, Engagement gifts, and an iPad so they can stay in touch with each other everyday. She came to the country a year later and a few weeks ago, she received her American citizenship, and welcomed their first child. They dated for one year and have been married for around 5-6 years.

Friend9: Dated 4 years in a long distance relationship. They met in a gaming space. There was lots of discussion as to which country they’d move to. His family is loaded and well off and she comes from a working class family. She was hesitant leaving her family. It was delayed for a year. Last summer was supposed to be their last summer together if this didn’t work out. So he went to visit her for a week and she flew to see him. He took her to a park that they frequently visited and proposed. I found out that he’s decided to live with her and that he is currently unemployed. She’s in the process of getting him citizenship. They’re expecting to get married this summer.

I’ve learnt with that with most men, is that when they like the woman, marriage is the simplest decision for them. There is no hesitancy or waiting things out. They don’t try to play games, or test if she’s wife material. If they like the girl, they’ll propose instantly. Why? Because they’re scared that someone might beat them to it!

Honestly, in some cases if he’s talking to you about marriage and starting a family with you prematurely he might be projecting, but if he spends 5-10+ years deciding, you’re just a placeholder until he finds someone else and all the time you’ve spent with him could have been doing other things.

sassyheather · 2022-02-25T10:30:56+00:00

I used to go to high school with girls who were like “I can’t wait to be married, I want to be a beautiful bride and stand by my favorite beloved man”, 7-10 years later not only are they not engaged but also completely forgot what they were saying and I need to listen to crap like “I never wanted to get married, I never said that, I don’t need a wedding what matters is we love each other” or pickme-humor (“marriage is when you legally agree to ruin his life and vise versa hAhAhAaH”)

candyfox84 · 2022-02-25T02:10:21+00:00

You couldn’t pay me. It’s not just about the ring, it’s everything else relative to him having such a passive attitude.

fireforestfairy · 2022-02-25T10:32:37+00:00

From what I've heard, men do this when they reach a certain age (usually aged 40-60) when realise they can't live a fuckboy lifestyle forever or are unlikely to find an SO they like more.

smittydoodle · 2022-02-25T02:46:53+00:00

My boyfriend proposed in January and I said we weren’t ready. I’m not interested in having a wedding. Maybe eloping. So for me, I’d rather just wait until the moment we’re ready to elope.

Maybe I’m nuts, but my parents have been fighting for 30 years and I want to make sure my boyfriend and I have solid communication skills before we make that commitment. I’m either afraid of divorce or afraid of becoming my parents, I guess.

tldrjane · 2022-02-25T13:21:31+00:00

Personally marriage was never a huge deal for me. Right around the time we were talking about it (5 years or so) we had some traumatic stuff happen with family (my brother had a stroke, my father died etc). It was put on the back burner while I grieved and dealt with that. We got engaged at 8.5 years and were married at 10 (because of me). I didn’t even want a wedding but his parents paid for most of it so I went with it. Now I’m pregnant with our first and probably only child (2 years after wedding almost).

For a lot of people in my age group (millennials) I feel like we are late bloomers. We saw a lot of the failures of our gen x and boomer parents/siblings and put a lot of that stuff off. At least that’s the way I look at putting off caring about marriage and starting a family. My parents should not have had me, they were mentally and financially unprepared for a third child. My older gen x brother had a baby at 18 and got married (and divorced) at 19.

So for me, I wanted to be financially stable and super ready. So many people just have kids and can’t take care of their needs in so many ways. Don’t want to put my child through that. I want it to have everything I didn’t .

Not sure if this helps any.

-25T · 2022-02-25T01:56:38+00:00

The only time I've seen them stay married is when they've been together for many years and their kids are several years old (youngest is 6+). In other words, they've been living as if married. Finally the tax credit, insurance, or etc. made it worthwhile.

I have only a couple examples without children, and the relationships ended before the ceremony.

And several examples with young children; the relationships did not last.

AnniaT · 2022-02-25T11:47:14+00:00

I've never been through it myself but I've observed others doing it and the relationships always seem so dull and boring and that the woman has to drag the man along for everything.

PasDeTout · 2022-02-25T13:48:24+00:00

My experience is that in these situations marriage is used basically to help a failing relationship and divorce comes not too long afterwards. For a celebrity example think of Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet. Living together for years, get married and a few years later are now divorcing.

Novemberinthechair · 2022-02-25T16:59:12+00:00

So, they didn't meet their "dream girl" so they're settling for their bangmaid. Of course, the very young shouldn't rush into anything. You're not the same person at 18 than you are at 25, 30 and so on.

august-27 · 2022-02-25T19:02:16+00:00

They reach age 28-32 and realize they've hit a fork in the road: they need to either get married, or split. The ones who do get married always seem to have something "missing". She generally loves him more than he loves her. There's no real passion or partnership. He prioritizes his buddies/career/hobbies/rest over everything else. It's depressing for sure, cause she genuinely thinks she can't do better and she's scared of being single :(

MixWide · 2022-02-25T03:28:50+00:00

I never was interested in marriage. Took my spouse over a decade to convince me to agree to it.

I realize I am not typical and most women desire to marry, so I do not suggest anybody uses me as a template (for anything, really, but especially not marriage).

NuttyBelgianBun · 2022-02-25T10:10:34+00:00

I love my forever boyfriend. I don’t intend on EVER getting married. We’ve been together for over 2 decades and I’m not the slightest bit interested in ‘having my day’ or paying for a wedding only for it to possibly turn to shit and then have to pay for a divorce. I’m very independent. Have an adult child I raised alone.

I watched my father walk out on his wife and 3 kids. Watched him walk right into the arms of another woman and seek fertility treatment so they could have more kids. We never saw him again (apart from around the town) then I get a Facebook message from a guy who looks like my older brother. Turns out he is my older brother. A brother from another woman that I didn’t know about. That’s 3 lots of families my father has had. My middle brother never had a relationship, ever. My elder brother left his wife and three kids in another country, history repeating itself. Can’t think where my scepticism of marriage came from. Anyway. I’m never getting married. I’m very happy as I am and can’t see the benefit of marriage. I can leave any time I like. No fuss. I stay because I want to, not because it could get messy and expensive.

I make absolutely no judgment on what other people want/need in their relationship.

DarbyGirl · 2022-02-25T19:30:00+00:00

Anyone I ever knew that was in a long relationship then engaged, or a long engagement eventually never went through with it.

I worked with one fellow who had a kid with his live-in girlfriend, I cant remember how long they were together before he finally popped the question (at least 6 year), but it was long enough that he got a lot of "it's about time!!" comments. I don't think the engagement lasted a year before they separated and he moved to a different province.

I worked with one girl who had a boyfriend and gotten pregnant and they ended up engaged for quite a long time. When asked when the wedding was (we worked in retail at the time so she got asked a lot) she'd respond with "oh, we have student loans and things we want to pay off first". They never married although they did buy a house together.

I also used to work with an older lady that had been with her boyfriend for over a decade. After her kids grew up and moved out they bought a house together and moved in (I think they lived next door to each other while she was raising her kids - her idea). It was a rough transition for the both of them and even though she had a ring all picked out and ready (this is the one if he ever comes in to ask!), he's never done it. She's a fantastic person and I don't know why she's settling for this.

_cnz_ · 2022-02-25T21:02:25+00:00

They were just there at the right time these men wanted marriage. It typically had absolutely nothing to do with these women’s perceived desirability

fogplum · 2022-02-25T22:08:52+00:00

I don't actually know anyone like this. I know couples that have been together since high school or college that wait until one or both of them are done with higher ed - I never got the sense that anyone was a reluctant husband.

lolmemberberries · 2022-02-26T00:25:45+00:00

I know at least a few people who fall into this category. I think whether it falls into the category of settling is based on the age the couple met and/or if there were specific milestones the couple was more focused on achieving (college, career) before marriage. Waiting five years because you're twenty and still finishing up college is very different than being thirty and marrying someone who you can barely tolerate because of the sunk cost fallacy.

Title	Forever girlfriends turned wives
Author	SureEmployment4
Upvotes	414
Comments	71
Date	February 25, 2022 12:45 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/t0q9vb/forever_girlfriends_turned_wives/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/forever-girlfriends-turned-wives.1103086 https://theredarchive.com/post/1103086

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