Having a baby via sperm donor

Ok-Appearance5982 · 2022-01-03T22:39:45+00:00

I’m glad that women have options to conceive. However, I have a concern about the quality of sperm and sperm donor. It reminds me of an episode on friends when Joey Tribbiani was a sperm donor. I can’t imagine having a mini Joey.

scooter_se · 2022-01-03T16:58:28+00:00

Just make sure you use a female fertility doctor. There are too many horror stories of male doctors switching out donor sperm with their own. Best to stick with someone who can’t harvest their own haploids with their hand

cutiebranch · 2022-01-03T19:29:27+00:00

I have a wonderful daughter this way, and am connected to other families that conceived with the same donor.

Depending on where you are located you can choose to do it at home (eliminating paying a clinic).

The first place I tried I didn’t really like. The second one was great - full genetic profile, childhood photos, etc, for no fee. They also do specials and have message boards.

It’s very tough at times (if you’ll need daycare try to get on a waiting list as soon as you’re pregnant) but when I was pregnant all the woes from married women about their partner made me glad I didn’t have the headache.

For every “he got me ice cream at midnight!” Post there were five “it hurts to have sex but he pressures me into it and I feel bad for him so even though I’m tired from working full time and doing all the housework we have sex three times a week and I bleed afterwards and he makes me feel bad for not looking like I’m enjoying it - how can I make him feel better?” Posts

And it’s just like

I can buy my own ice cream.

aeorimithros · 2022-01-03T16:17:11+00:00

Someone who lived in my building did this. She moved to be closer to family/it was a 1 bed flat.

She and her baby girl are blissfully happy and it's the best thing she ever did. Similar situation, always the dream and didn't want to wait on finding a man. I'd say go for it.

ButterfliesHurricane · 2022-01-03T19:20:40+00:00

I know someone who has done it. A family member moved in with her and they raised the child together.

I would recommend to check forums online to find women who have done it and share similar experiences because you will receive all sort of ‘advice’ from all sorts of sources which will not always be neutral / in your and your baby’s best interest. Maybe try counselling too (if you have doubts and feel you need an external judgement free ear to help you sort your thoughts on whether you are ready - I think it’s always good in any circumstances because having a baby is so life changing).

My personal take on it is having a baby is real hard work and nothing prepares you for it so you need as much support as possible. It therefore can help to have a supportive partner however we all know that men are not always supportive in those situations. If you have a good network of friends and family ready to support you and roll their sleeves to take on house chores, baby care duties there is no reason why you can’t do it. Is it best having an abusive partner who doesn’t pull their weight and affects you and baby’s mental health or a mom who will be there day or night to clean the house and cook so you can sleep, eat for an hour and wash your hair as you are exhausted from breastfeeding?

On the point of not knowing the donor, their medical history, how many other women their sperm has impregnated: is it really that different than having had sex with a guy to get pregnant?

Somebody mentioned being a child conceived by donor sperm and struggling not knowing where she comes from. If you have any valid argument to consider, I would say it’s that one… the child’s best interest. I personally think so many things can negatively impact children and parenting is a minefield of decisions, this will be your first decision as a parent. Do your best for the child’s best interest and with love, ignore people’s moral judgement and good luck. Hugs.

Sage_Planter · 2022-01-03T17:21:33+00:00

There's a small Single Mothers By Choice subreddit if you're looking for others in the same situation. (Not going to link it in case it's against this sub's rules, but if you Google it, it will come up as one of the first hits.)

rainbowhelix · 2022-01-03T16:20:53+00:00

I was donor-conceived. If you are going to go this route, then please think about it very carefully. Your child is always, always going to wonder about the donor, so DON'T choose one who's "anonymous". The sperm banks still sell donors on the idea that they can be anonymous even in 2022, just to get men to donate. Then they're in for a rude awakening when their kid figures out who they are because one of their siblings signed up for a DNA website. I've talked to so many people who have been rejected by their donors; it's a primal wound. Another thing to be aware of is that there really aren't limits on how many offspring a donor can have. Still. It's unregulated and like the Wild Wild West. If a donor hits his limit at one sperm bank, he can just go to another. I've talked to other donor offspring online who have 50, 100 half-siblings.

Lastly, please be aware that many sperm donors don't tell the whole story when it comes to their health. https://www.wsj.com/articles/a-grieving-family-wonders-what-if-they-had-known-the-medical-history-of-sperm-donor-1558-11641119405

As a donor-conceived person, I love my life, but my origins are still very weird to me. Of course, I completely understand why a woman would want to be a single mom by choice these days. But it's not as simple as the movies would have you believe.

iacint · 2022-01-03T16:54:57+00:00

I am watching a professor and politolog in russian and she tells for years about new trend that family will be more mother + children, cause dads are just support and an a headache. If a country wants to have a growing population it should invest in single mother support. She also said: you know when a woman became single mother? It’s then her mom can’t help her anymore. Men aren’t what involved in parenting unfortunately

randomgirl34861 · 2022-01-04T04:40:19+00:00

If you use a sperm donor, you’ll never have to worry about losing time with your child due to divorce and custody battles. That’s a huge pro, in my opinion.

Sewud · 2022-01-03T17:35:01+00:00

I've met mothers who had children with a man complain that it's hard and maybe they chose the wrong man, but all the sperm-donor moms I've met have peaceful and blissful existences saying it's the best decision ever. Taking care of children is fun, dealing with LVM is not.

hensbanex · 2022-01-03T15:24:14+00:00

I know someone who did this and she is very happy with her new daughter! it definitely is a growing trend. I’m cf myself but I’m sure there are communities out there for aspiring single mothers-by-choice. best of luck!

curlyhaiir · 2022-01-03T16:39:34+00:00

I also plan to do this when I am financial secure and can offer the child a good life. Being a mother is my biggest dream and I don’t want it to be dependent on whether I am married or not. I grew up with a great father and of course I would love to have my children have the same HV father I had but sometimes life doesn’t work that way.

RhiannonEmilia · 2022-01-03T20:16:16+00:00

I want to do this someday too- I don’t have that much advice as I’m not to that point quite yet but I totally support your choice! I think you’ll do wonderful as a mother and you’re very insightful knowing you don’t want any toxicity in your future child’s life.

AdmiralRando · 2022-01-03T22:07:20+00:00

Pregnancy is absolutely a unique experience that in my view is separate from loving and raising a child.

I have done it 3 times (twice “on purpose”). On balance, I would say that I hated being pregnant. Child birth is an event I looked forward to because pregnancy was so awful. That’s true even though I had no complications. However, in terms of life experience, it’s one-of-a-kind.

Have you ever had anyone kick you in the diaphragm from the inside? Ever had someone’s skull resting on your bladder for weeks at a time? Have you ever felt exhausted because someone else was using up all the nutrients you have just eaten? Have you ever spent an evening sitting and watching your abdomen squirm around?

There is certainly a lot of mythology around pregnancy that…well frankly is a lot of poetic, misogynistic garbage. I didn’t feel any real attachment to my kids until they were out. I had kids quite young, and I don’t feel that physical pregnancy made me bond more strongly with my children because, honestly, I just wanted them out.

But I do feel that it is an interesting life experience that has no equal.

If you are able to get pregnant, and you are certain that you want a child, and you have no medical issues that would make it more difficult than it needs to be, I say go for it. There’s no point it waiting for some dream-dad. He couldn’t have the experience of pregnancy anyway. That’s just for you.

chainsawbobcat · 2022-01-04T04:20:14+00:00

So I'm a single mother of 1, financially stable and very happily independent. I successfully Co parent with my daughter's father, she stays with him 2 consecutive days each week, she is 3 and I left him 1.5 years ago. I didn't set out to be a single parent, but she's lives with me the majority of the time and I am responsible for all her school, health care, developmental and extra curricular needs. I love being her mother and I'm grateful for the constant opportunities she gives me as a parent to grow out of my own restraints, AND it is extremely challenging being a single parent.

One of the ways it's challenging is that you are alone in making in the moment decisions for your kid and kids are weird and strange and scary. My first ER visit was alone, i surprised myself because it was so hard to even decide it was the right thing to do! You don't get to tap out when there is not another parent available - those 2 days my daughter is with her dad, I spend on the endless catch up of work (I'm a manager) and my home, and of course my own personal well being takes last place. This is raising a baby to toddler, it's all sacrificing yourself. But it's exponential if your partner is shite, or if you're on your own.

I know mothers where the father was never involved and a more recent friend who, pushing 40, did have her baby via donor. It honestly makes my exhaustion laughable . Ive learned having my own mother semi-nearby is a gift and privilege. I don't really ever have her babysit say night but when I've needed help to bring my car to the shop or something she's been a life saver. You will likely underestimate how much you will just want to hang out with other adults during these years but how actually unavailable that option is to you - and you can't expect your non breeding friends to adapt. You can expect to see them in 5 years, which is fine if they're good friends. My point is, when your sleepless and unshowered and on the brink of mental collapse from the 4 month sleep regression, you will at least need someone to complain to and it's not Brenda.

I'm a moderator at the single mothers sub Reddit and I cannot convey how unrealistic it is to raise a child completely in your own and retain your mental health - you need to have a really strong support network or you will be fucked. And I don't mean you won't survive, i mean you will need to sacrifice your entire self every day, day in day out, with no relief, sand be happy to do it for your kid. Yes even if you have a good job. Being a good parent honestly takes ever fiber of my being all the time and it's a never ending process of risk and error, even with the science laid out in front of you. It's fucking nuts! And listen, I love being a mom! My bookshelves are lined with well researched parenting guides on active listening, supportive emotional parenting, brain development ...I am constantly evolving.

On top of still processing shit I thought I took care of years ago. Make sure you have a great therapist, bc things will come up in parenting you had NO IDEA you felt that way or why you responded a certain way, but you know it runs deep.

I cannot stress again how much of a difference it makes having 2 days where my daughter is with her father to reset and repair. Because (at 3 y/I) when she's gone it's intense from wake up to wake up. I expect it will keep up like this another 2 years then start to even out. The first 3 years are bananas even with the most well behaved kid, bc they are kids! Growing learning and breaking every necklace you own with their unknown hulk strength as they go 🧡 from the mother's perspective, once you accept that it's high intensity at a constant rate, it does get easier. But you have to be willing to let go of a lot.

While my daughter is incredible and, frankly, is thriving, the final thing is like to add is that, despite all the ways I deal with it and work to compensate, there is a wound that was created when she lost her two parent household that I will never be able to repair. It is so powerful, this need to connect with our origin. She is well settled, has a great relationship with her dad, he and I are amicable and I address it with her all the time - but I can still see this open heartache that she's literally working through on her own in her tiny little 3 year old body. She's visceral about it, I always help her feel and with through it, well call her Dad as much as she needs to, but it still fucking sucks and won't ever get fixed. She wants her mom and dad together, simple. You won't even know how to deal when those little eyes look up at you and ask you, who is their dad? Because they will.

I just want to share this because having a kid is an incredibly emotionally raw experience from begging to end and all throughout. I understand the desire to have children and do so before it's "too late". I know what I've described isn't exactly like your situation, but these little babies... They grow up to be us. They grow up and search to find themselves and answer the missing link questions that haunted their dreams. And it's hard and confusing to not know anything about 50% of you - even if it was mom who broke her own back to do 100% of the raising.

In summary, my ex was a baby and that's why I left, but i don't regret for one second having a child with him. even though he couldn't be arsed to make the effort with our relationship, I still picked a kind interesting wholesome cultured man to be the father of my child with the right intentions. And even though it didn't work out, my daughter's got a dad who loves her and is dedicated to her, who has a big beautiful Dominican family that cooks and dances, and who ultimately has a positive impact on the person she will becomes. It's a curse to some but for me a blessing, it's a whole lot of pressure to be the only influence.

Whatever you do will be the right choice.

candyfox84 · 2022-01-03T16:05:37+00:00

I listened to the Curveball podcast on this recently, "Single Mothers by Choice." Might be worth a listen if you're considering this. Here is the link: https://www.curveballmedia.com.au/podcast

I'm sure it's really hard, and hopefully you'd have some form of support nearby, but by and large these women's experiences seem very positive.

scorchedsouI · 2022-01-03T15:15:48+00:00

I plan to do this. It's called being a single-mother-by-choice and it's becoming increasingly popular.

At the end of the day, all you need to have a child is a womb and money. Men's contribution was always just money, so why not cut the middleman out if you're financially secure?

Also, wanting to have a biological child by yourself is no more selfish than wanting to have a biological child with a man. Adoption is a great choice, but it's a natural female instinct to want to have your own baby. I don't trust anyone who resents women for this.

revengeofgivingtree · 2022-01-04T01:28:01+00:00

Consider fostering too! There are lots of kids out there already who need a Mom

lvrcalii · 2022-01-03T21:24:51+00:00

Cool question! As a medical professional, do your research. Very limited ability to get background on donors in some states is colliding with a population that needs alternative income. Google: Sperm Donor 1558. While you research, be aware that much of mental health has some genetic component that no environment can account for. Epigenetics account for some gene expression, but you also cannot overtly control life experiences or you create an anxious child with severe self-recrimination habits.

As a human, I suggest fostering or volunteering as a child advocate. I grew up in foster care and would have loved having someone like you on my team.

Good luck! ❤️

Keepers12345 · 2022-01-04T02:02:57+00:00

I don't know about all communities, but sometimes infertility groups are quite resourceful and supportive in general. You may even be able to get a lead on a local group by contacting an infertility support group leader. They often have community connections.

I do know someone personally that has had a child via a sperm donor.

A close relative of mine went the sperm donor route.

She's beyond happy and grateful that she didn't rely on finding a man.

She had always wanted children.

One of her friends had a child via a sperm donation a few years before she decided to do it herself. When my relative decided to go for it, she picked out the same sperm donor for her children (two total). Now, her children have a biological half sibling, and also an "auntie."

She waited until she was financially stable, with a stable home.

I see her every few years (we live far apart), and it's really a joy to see her with her happy family. They make it work.

KindredMaximus · 2022-01-05T03:28:00+00:00

I watched a doco on Tig Notaro yesterday and her quest to have children. Really, inspiring. I think someone who loves and wants kids so much can only be a force for good and she was prepared to do it, while single.
Being a single parent is easier than with a man, IME. As soon as he was out of the house, we could be ourselves and the house felt lighter, free-er(sp?), and funnier.
All statistics point to the lack of finances as being the major problem for single mother households and gives a distinct, barrier in place for children of single mothers. This was also true for my kids - although their father could have helped them - he is selfish. I think if you have a good support network and the finances then being a single parent can be a wonderful thing.

vforvendetta87 · 2022-01-03T19:41:25+00:00

Well, I conceived-naturally 9 years ago with a NVM and I’ve been raising her by myself since birth. It’s very hard but can be done and so worth it. ❤️

2022-01-03T18:50:08+00:00

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pacificat · 2022-01-09T00:07:32+00:00

I'm sorry I don't have any references for you, but I agree it can become the new normal. I'll bet you'll be a great mother! I would say sit down and reflect on the challenges that may arise so you have a plan. For example the child will ask about his/her father so you have to answer. Planning is everything and nothing

Title	Having a baby via sperm donor
Author	strangehoney
Upvotes	426
Comments	69
Date	January 3, 2022 2:59 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rv3juf/having_a_baby_via_sperm_donor/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/having-a-baby-via-sperm-donor.1094910 https://theredarchive.com/post/1094910

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