There’s a common refrain from men here that dating—or women in general—requires too much effort, especially since "Chad" supposedly doesn’t have to put in any. But in my experience, the men who are successful with women actually put in a lot of effort. For them, courting and meeting women was a major part of their social life when they were younger.

So the real question is: are men here actually putting in effort, or do they just think getting women should be easy?

I’m 34F, recently-ish married, living in the suburbs now, but I was single in NYC. All of my male friends and past partners had no trouble dating, sleeping with women, and eventually settling down in their 30s. But this wasn’t something that just happened for them—it required significant effort, time, and even money.

Here’s what they did that I don’t see a lot of men here willing to do:

1. They were consistently social.

Every single weekend—often multiple times a week—they went out. They actively cultivated a friend group and made sure to coordinate plans. They hosted pre-games, attended concerts, went to sporting events, and threw birthday parties. They put themselves in social situations regularly.

A lot of men here seem reluctant to go out unless the circumstances are perfect. They don’t like drinking, they don’t want to do activities they aren’t 100% interested in, or they think socializing should feel effortless. But the reality is, both men and women push themselves to go out even when they’re tired or not in the mood. Consistency is how you meet people.

2. They spent money on being social.

A lot of men here seem to resent the idea of spending money on dates or social activities in general. But the guys I knew who were successful with women understood that socializing costs money, and they embraced that lifestyle.

They weren’t afraid to buy rounds of drinks, split Ubers, host gatherings, or organize weekend trips. They planned group vacations (think Made in America, Coachella, etc.) and didn’t hesitate to cover part of a woman’s cost if needed. This doesn’t mean throwing money at women to “win” them, but rather investing in a lifestyle that makes meeting people more natural.

3. They had other goals besides getting women.

Yes, they were actively meeting women, but they weren’t just sitting around waiting for women to fall into their laps. Their weekdays were focused on excelling in their careers, and their weekends were about having fun and being social.

They enjoyed their single lives. They weren’t bitter if they didn’t meet someone on a night out because they actually liked going out. They built a lifestyle that was fun with or without immediate romantic success.

4. They got rejected—A LOT.

Even attractive, successful men got turned down constantly. They didn’t assume every woman would like them. They went through dry spells. Sometimes they went out for months without anything happening. But they kept trying.

The difference is, they saw rejection as part of the process—not as a reason to give up or complain about how "easy" other men supposedly have it.

So when I see men saying that dating takes "too much effort," I have to ask: What effort are you actually putting in? Because from what I’ve seen, men who succeed in dating don’t expect it to be easy. They actively build social lives, take initiative, and work on building lives that are fun and interesting to themselves and to women