Can vetting go wrong?

undersupervixen · 2021-12-06T20:52:33+00:00

Yeah, it can definitely go wrong. At the same time anyone surveying the wreckage will just say "welp that's what happens when you don't vet for [insert thing that wasn't vetted for in that instance]".

fakingandnotmakingit · 2021-12-06T21:22:51+00:00

Yes, but there's vetting for the wrong thing and there's vetting that fails because the other person changes and/or was a very good liar.

For example i know a couple where the man got some serious depression after about 3 years into the relationship. She managed to hang on for another year. But after a year of him earning no money AND doing no chores AND not leaving the house/seeing friends (making her the sole emotional support) she left. No amount of vetting could have predicted that. He used to have a stable income and contributed 50/50 to the household chores.

Once I knew a girl who was really nice and charismatic and honestly came off as a great person, only to be ridiculously high maintenance much much later. Tbh she had us all fooled until she showed her true colours. Then we encouraged him to ditch her and cut his losses.

Both of those are acceptable failures of vetting.

Then there's the people who everyobe sees as bad but their partners keep excusing it because they're "in love" or alternatively scared of the backlash. Like I knew a girl who was a massive push over and when her friends pressured her into giving another guy friends a chance because he was "soo nice" (he s, but he saw also needy. Like he was jealous of she close to hang out with her girls instead of him). She was young and stupid and didn't want to look shallow by dumping him. She was miserable until she had a massive blow up and up and left town.

Or for example a guy i knew vetted for "feminine". Girls which was fair. Unfortunately he forgot to very for "reasonable spending money and time on girly girl stuff". Yeah so make up, hair dressing, and clothing are all pretty expensive and time consuming. And since they aren't "career women" he ended up paying for her beauty up keep. He keeps going for the same type of girl as well. Like great you got your feminine, pretty girl who would be willing to be a housewife. But he also got their spending habits.

This is what we call a (not so acceptable) failure of vetting.

RoseCapone · 2021-12-06T21:35:58+00:00

Of course vetting can go wrong. I’ll give you a personal example.

About 3yrs ago, an old friend and me reconnected (we’ll call her K). When I first met K, she had a bf and we were all part of a friend group in college, so although she was attractive, I never made a move. Eventually we graduated and went out seperate ways. Flash forward to to 3yrs later and K had come back to town and being a decent person I offered to hang out with her. She tells me the story of how her and her bf broke up, her dad died and all kinds of stuff had happened. I felt for her and put together a night for us to hang out around town just to make her feel better. We did this a few times and she became flirty and eventually we both began to sleep together.

Being that we were already friends and had now had sex a few times, I began to develop feelings. I thought back to how she told me about everything that happened and realized that all of these things occurred within the past year or two. At this point I was concerned that she might’ve been using me to cope with her negative feelings and I didn’t want to really take the chance of getting hurt. Then, one day I looked over at her phone and saw that she was messaging another guy to hang out. I decided to back off and stop spending time with her to protect myself.

Flash forward to about a year later and a mutual friend tells me that K was upset that we stopped and that she really wanted to date me and see where it goes but assumed i just pumped and dumped her. Now she lives in Hawaii making like $100k a year with her new bf. Fair to say I vetted horribly. I psyched myself out a potentially great woman.

xQueen-Bx · 2021-12-06T22:42:40+00:00

vetting lasts til the end of young adulthood and barring any unforeseen tragedy. theres no way to vet for a million things that happen to a middle aged couple, like a mans fathers death, career loss, response to childbearing, response to miscarriages, response to menopause, loss of libido, affairs etc. you can try to vet for character but life knocks the most carefully selected couple for a loop

IcarusKiki · 2021-12-06T22:02:12+00:00

Yes bc red pill vetting tactics usually select for women without any sense of self or boundaries. Usually these girls are just BPDs in the lovebombing stage who end up becoming whoever they think the guy would like to reel him in only to lash out and go nuts at the first sign of abandonment.

Plus becoming preoccupied with vetting whether male or female just makes relationships cynical and inorganic. Like you see your potential partner as a checklist

KirthWGersen · 2021-12-06T21:38:58+00:00

Plenty of malicious people can keep the crazy/evil hidden for years until they have trapped their target.

Other great people change for the worse over time.

Vetting is never perfect. You always have to have sufficient detachment to leave when a person's behaviour makes it against your interests to stay with them.

Vetting makes you think you are in control. But you are only ever in control of your own actions.

Liberal_On_Guns · 2021-12-06T20:57:42+00:00

Yes, for the same reason saving 20% of your income and maxing out your 401k can go wrong.

TheBookOfSeil · 2021-12-06T22:21:06+00:00

It does go wrong more than people are aware of. People use stupid/lazy heuristics to vet and they immediately next people who, let's just say, "make a mistake."

A lot of people seem to forget that nobody is perfect and they shouldn't expect someone to be perfect on the first date or first couple of dates. Really getting to know someone should be the goal of vetting, but alas, people use it to save themselves time because they could be using that time to date someone better.

So yeah, vetting poorly could mistakenly next someone that a person might have been compatible with.

quiturbitchn · 2021-12-06T21:07:42+00:00

I had an experience go wrong. I was in a relationship where we were open and honest about sexual kinks and boundaries. 6 months in I was woken up by him raping me via an act that was a hard no. Prior to this there were no red flags and our relationship was progressing without hiccup

___thoughts___ · 2021-12-06T21:23:46+00:00

The act of vetting pushes the odds in your favor and reducing the probability you meet someone like the red piller who gave you this advice.

Rough_Collections · 2021-12-06T22:01:56+00:00

Yes vetting can go wrong in the same way that eating right and and exercise can technically go wrong in freak deep squat pass out event or a salad can give you food poisoning from improperly washed veggies.

There are no actual guarantees in life except death

Ppdebateismental · 2021-12-06T22:08:55+00:00

Of course it can. People change, situations change. Your OWN desires can change. Even if you sus every last thing out, the person perfect for you now may not be perfect next year, or after the kid comes….etc. etc.

PlayfulLawyer · 2021-12-06T21:44:03+00:00

There is no 100% guarantee, especially in relationships, somebody can have every green flag in the book and still either be hiding something or change on you, etc.,

figuringMylife · 2021-12-06T22:16:45+00:00

RP only cares about women’s looks, youth, and low n count. Soooo take that as you want for “what could go wrong”. Depends on what you want. The only problems I could see with pulling the ideal RP woman according to the sub is she will always depend on you, she may not appreciate/understand money or sacrifices/ may be very financially illiterate, not smart, and she may have mental health issues. I don’t think any of these things are inherently bad from my understanding. Just depends on what you want.

manfrom-nantucket · 2021-12-06T23:03:35+00:00

People change over time. The lady you marry today isn't going to be the one you wake up to 10 years from now. Sometimes the changes are good, more often they are bad.

Virtual-Jackfruit243 · 2021-12-07T00:58:18+00:00

Yes if you don't know how to do it. Some people think vetting is just asking about their past and that's it. Vetting, to me at least, is a months long process where you monitor the person's actions and words.

I saw something years ago about how relationships don't last after 3 months because people can only hide for so long.

ledatherockband · 2021-12-07T08:17:55+00:00

If you have bad judgement and bad criteria, yes. Lol

FabulousFuchsbau · 2021-12-06T21:00:21+00:00

[permanently deleted]

LowCreddit · 2021-12-06T21:08:06+00:00

Vetting can absolutely go wrong. I have seen it myself. It's also rare. It's like rape, incest, and medical needs abortions. They are maybe 1% of the total. If you marry the guy who cheated on all of his girlfriends. He's going to cheat on you. If you marry the guy who flings his televisions off the stand because the Patriots lost the Big Game, he's going to do it to you. We laugh at women because they vet for these men.

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LackOf_Empathy · 2021-12-06T20:55:59+00:00

Depends on your checklist and what you think to avoid.

purplish_possum · 2021-12-06T21:04:48+00:00

Of course, it can go wrong. Vetting just reduces the odds. Life's a gamble and you may lose.

stormcloakporn · 2021-12-06T21:09:02+00:00

Technically, can’t anything go “wrong”?

This is such a vague question. Vetting can go “wrong” in the sense that maybe the process of vetting wasn’t strict enough to rule out poor choice or maybe the vetting process was TOO strict and good choices ended up getting tossed out.

In general, the act of vetting is a great tool that should be used by everyone. It is more relevant to women since we do the choosing and less of the chasing. FDS preaches vetting to ensure you are spending time with someone worthwhile. There is nothing wrong with that imo.

ohheyhi99 · 2021-12-06T21:09:34+00:00

Wearing a seatbelt can also go wrong

xFallacyx69 · 2021-12-06T21:21:47+00:00

Of course, just like an airbag can fuck up your face and CPR can break your ribs… but you’re much better off with them.

ffandyy · 2021-12-06T23:18:58+00:00

Of course it can, when you are making judgements about people you barely know by behaviours that could have multiple causes or reasons there is always room for error.

NotTheBestMoment · 2021-12-06T23:19:29+00:00

What? Yes, you can be careful and still get caught by a good liar or someone who just changed for the worse. You really thought that wasn’t possible?

JameisBong · 2021-12-06T23:19:34+00:00

People change all the time, like that preachers wife who turned into a lonely fans whore.

Be ready to enforce your boundaries at all times. Boundaries work better than vetting, as soon as something you don't like happens just ghost that person.

Teflon08191 · 2021-12-06T23:21:37+00:00

If it couldn't go wrong then there wouldn't be so many women out there going on about how blindsided they were by the realization that the man they were with "wasn't who they thought he was" or what have you.

Orange_Paisley · 2021-12-06T23:29:22+00:00

Sure. Sometimes even if someone checks all your boxes, you don't check all of theirs or maybe you forgot to include a few boxes in your vetting. Or people have struggles you didn't anticipate. Or they lied. Or you did.

Zerofication · 2021-12-06T23:43:39+00:00

It depends on the criteria used to vet. By induction, it's more likely for a woman to use the wrong criteria than to use the right one when vetting a man if she only relies on her own opinion or the opinion of the collective of other women. For example, it's common for women to believe that any man that can make them feel a spark is automatically a good option, when statistically speaking, it's more likely he's not than he is. If the women however are given the criteria by men or some sort of religious guidance, this is when it becomes more likely for them to use the right criteria than to use the wrong one. I define "right" and "wrong" here as what increases or decreases the chances of a long-lasting happy marriage.

sex_is_dirty · 2021-12-07T00:25:56+00:00

I think you're referring to situations where the vetter has given the greenlight to someone who in the final analysis seems OK but turns out to be a bad choice.

One must consider the other side of the coin. An overly stringent vetting may filter out a catch. You could lose out this way too.

sarkington · 2021-12-07T01:31:19+00:00

Can anyone be wrong ever?

WheelIntelligent1354 · 2021-12-07T01:49:45+00:00

Vetting isn't always effective but I wear my seatbelt for a reason, to minimize damage as much as I can.

ruboyuri · 2021-12-07T02:57:01+00:00

Fellas, is vetting a guarantee?

SaBahRub · 2021-12-07T03:04:56+00:00

No, of course not; vetting is always successful.

Always. 100%. No exceptions. Like most of things in life, right? Isn’t that what people say, life is fair and things always are predictable and work out?

AbsolutelyNobody0 · 2021-12-07T05:47:21+00:00

"Can you improperly assess the character of another human?"

Yes. Obviously yes...

yo_dwayne · 2021-12-07T09:44:29+00:00

Vetting can definitely go wrong. It’s like practice makes perfect, except it doesn’t, PERFECT practice makes perfect!

creekcrystall · 2021-12-07T11:13:12+00:00

If you’re vetting on superficial reasons, yes

ChibsFilipTelfordd · 2021-12-07T12:12:10+00:00

Oh yes. I made a bad choice after vetting strongly last time. My mistake and stupidity but there were no red flags I could see.

Protomize · 2021-12-07T13:45:02+00:00

Yes it can go wrong and it’s why I’ll never get married again or have anymore children.

REEE_XD · 2021-12-07T19:58:42+00:00

Yes. But not in the way you think. Some people vet by testing people's reactions or purposely doing something distasteful to see how their man/woman reacts. This can fail in 2 ways, one of them is the person realizes what you're doing and they completely cut you off, the other one is they realize you're trying to manipulate them and they react extremely badly. Some of the stuff I see them saying on female dating strategy would have the guys I know, who date around, like "Why is she acting like this?" The first time and by the second time around they realize she has a problem. Sometimes women don't know how to give shit tests correctly.

I've legit ran into women who I was sure liked me and were attracted to me but became 100x worse behaviorally once it was established there was mutual attraction. I used to cook these women alive with any piece of information I gained about them, because there's 0 reason to act like that. A lot of these behaviors that are enacted during vetting would probably never come up during a normal relationship either, so you're just fucking stuff up for no reason.

upalse · 2021-12-08T00:59:25+00:00

The whole notion of red flags is silly. If you're seeing red flags, you're actually just settling down and looking for excuses to back out. Infatuation tones down our critical faculties for a good reason.

Glarkin42 · 2021-12-08T01:05:49+00:00

He doesn't read queer feminist literature? Must be a wife beater!

SonicBackScratcher · 2021-12-06T20:55:03+00:00

Of course vetting can go wrong, ask anyone who hires people for a business.

Life has risk and while you can try to mitigate that risk the more you try the less options you have and the more you might fail outright. Even if you find your unicorn people change.

I think there is a segment of women and men on this sub that just can't get past that risk part. Yes a guy might rape and murder you, yes a woman might trick you into getting her pregnant or divorce rape you, yes she might have BPD and is hiding it while dating, yes he might be a serial cheater, but sooner or later you need to take a risk.

Whisper · 2021-12-08T17:09:56+00:00

said that vetting can go wrong. I found this to be surprise

So... up until he told you that, you thought you were an infallible judge of character who could never be mistaken about anyone?

Title	Can vetting go wrong?
Author	FabulousFuchsbau
Upvotes	7
Comments	217
Date	December 6, 2021 8:45 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/rah8t6/can_vetting_go_wrong/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/can-vetting-go-wrong.1088283 https://theredarchive.com/post/1088283

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