50 first dates, they all say no "spark"

JackSquirts · 2025-06-26T14:34:06+00:00

You suck at flirting.

Conscious-Smell-8844 · 2025-06-26T14:26:11+00:00

Spark is how you make them feel. You don't remember things people say to you - it's how you make them feel. My guess is your dates are too formal/interview style

Thierr · 2025-06-26T14:35:25+00:00

Spark = make them feel thing instead of a rational conversation, coupled with sexual tension and physical escalation

liftingnstuff · 2025-06-26T14:34:01+00:00

You likely don't flirt/escalate on the date.

HistorianOk2573 · 2025-06-26T14:47:40+00:00

A spark, meaning they did not feel sexual tension. The way your interaction felt like was similar to how it would feel to talk with your sister or your mother or your male friend. Safe, polite, maybe even engaging, with laughs and all, but there was not that atmosphere of "i want to fuck u so hard right now", "i am so turned on by you", "i am blushing by the way you look at me with so much desire".

So it's likely that your conversations in those dates are too safe, too platonic, too logical, too formal, too polite, too respectful, too rational, too intellectual, too factual, emotionally bland and maybe even interview style as well.

You are not taking risks, you are not acting like a guy who wants to fuck, or like a guy who wants to provoke them, confuse them, tease them, and get under their skin,...

But like a guy who wants to show how much of a good, polite, formal person he is, a guy who wants to prove how serious he is about being in a relationship and being good enough for her. a guy who tries proving to her how much of a good boyfriend he would be to her if she gave him a chance. A guy who tries to convince her of his worth so that she makes the logical decision to see him again. And that's what makes them feel no spark.

You are not playing with these women you go on dates with, you are auditioning and that's why they feel no spark. Remember that ut's not your job to try to convince a woman that you are a guy with a lot to offer and who could potentially make her happy. U r not there to prove ur worth, or to impress her, or to give her reasons why she should choose u or to try to lock her down into a commitment.

U r there to make her feel intense emotions, to get under her skin, to provoke her, to mess with her, to poke fun at her, to make her feel desired, to make her feel uncertainty, to confuse her by being unpredictable, to make her feel the heat of your sexual insinuations, to make her haert poutn really hard, and stimulate her emotions.

Nice_Olive568 · 2025-06-26T15:11:24+00:00

Just don’t treat the date like an interview or worse.. a chance to only talk about yourself without asking any questions. Don’t be afraid of pauses in conversation while maintaining eye contact. Don’t be afraid of physical escalation on the first date with consent ofc (ex. holding her hand, hugging her by the waist.. all of which should ideally lead to a kiss). Equally, create a safe environment and try to build trust. From personal experience as a girl, my attraction grows tenfold when the guy I’m on a date with is respectful, gentle and isn’t in a rush to get into my pants. It’s almost counterintuitive but it works

slypool · 2025-06-26T15:23:41+00:00

It’s not a rom com, maybe you’re not that interesting. You went on 50 first dates, so you’re not bad looking, maybe you just have the pretty boy syndrome where they didn’t develop a personality. You gotta work on your social skills, just looks won’t take you far with most women if it’s for more than a hookup

The spark is just gonna change person to person because it is about clicking with them. I can have spark with friends, those friends that become your best friends almost automatically because of how much in sync you are

NamNguyennn · 2025-06-26T15:35:43+00:00

if you date 100 women in town and none of them likes you then you’re the problem . Truth hurts

BravoPUA · 2025-06-26T14:35:40+00:00

Triangular Theory of Love

Passion Intimacy Commitment

What did you do to build passion or intimacy?

personal_cheezits · 2025-06-26T15:53:59+00:00

You know that feeling when you meet someone for the first time and you just vibe and wouldn’t mind seeing them again in the future whether it be romantically or platonically?

You don’t have that. You aren’t giving them the desire to see you again in the future.

Maybe it’s your demeanor. You’re too cocky, too cold, too formal.

Maybe it’s your behavior. You chew with your mouth open or get too loud when you drink.

You won’t know unless you ask. Follow up and ask them why they were turned off.

PM_me_ur_digressions · 2025-06-26T15:40:29+00:00

The entire point of a first date is to get the second date. So no interview questions, no checklist, none of that - your sole goal for the date should be "how do I make her feel like she's having fun?"

Dates that are "activities" are easy to create that.

Don't talk about yourself too much, keep the conversation light and moving, be funny. Establish light physical contact.

eablokker · 2025-06-26T17:23:32+00:00

A spark is when you induce an emotional state, either in yourself, or her, or both, that naturally causes pro-dating behavior.

Women are usually emotionally reactive, they’re like emotional mirrors, they’re just reflecting your emotional state back onto you, or whichever emotions you made her feel during your interaction.

It’s not that she wants to feel a spark just for the sake of feeling something. She wants to naturally exhibit the behaviors associated with the spark. Without feeling the emotion, she cannot exhibit those behaviors, and she can’t rationally will herself to. When she DOES feel a spark, she can’t rationally will herself to NOT exhibit those behaviors. All of this stuff is happening outside our conscious awareness.

Bottom line is if you don’t do something to make her feel something, she won’t behave towards you how you would like her to.

UrbanUnrivaled · 2025-06-26T18:14:05+00:00

There’s two problems here.

You need to flirt better and escalate, create sexual tension, and pull away to create sexual scarcity in her and go back and forth, like conversation penetration. Make her feel adventurous but also safe.
It’s like a societal disease. Everyone thinks one date is going to tell them everything. People should go on at least 3 of the first one was ok. You’re not too busy for this guys if you’re just going to be at home swiping, so might as well go work on your dating skills.

GlockHolliday32 · 2025-06-26T19:15:10+00:00

You have enough money to seem interesting, but you're not interesting.

Certain_Process_7657 · 2025-06-26T14:45:25+00:00

No spark is almost always a euphemism for lack of physical /sexual attraction. If you've gotten so many dates and they're all saying this, I'm guessing they're from online dating and you probably don't look nearly as good as they imagine from your photos.

Are you fatter, balder, or look older than you appear in your photos?

CTEcowboi · 2025-06-26T14:47:09+00:00

If you went on 50 first dates we can eliminate a few things. The good news is You are more than likely attractive enough and outgoing enough to have dating success, that’s probably the hardest barrier to entry when it comes to dating for guys.

You are failing on the actual date itself in some way. You are either being too boring or putting out some kind of red flag they can’t get over. Obviously I can’t tell you more than that because I’m not there to see what you’re doing but it seems like we have opposite issues, I suck at getting dates but can ALWAYS get a second or third after I get the first.

When I’m on a date I try to talk about things that make people emotional. Family, friends, life ambitions and passions. I ask good questions regarding those things and normally have follow up questions to dig deeper. People love to gush about that kind of stuff and if you listen closely she will mention qualities she values and you can talk about things in your life that you care about that show your values align. When you talk about things you care about speak with a purpose be a little emotional act like you give a fuck. People like to buy into a good story or idea. Paint your picture

MeatMarket92 · 2025-06-26T14:54:46+00:00

Be fun and flirty. You probably take yourself too seriously

TheCuriousBread · 2025-06-26T14:49:02+00:00

Tell us you have autism without telling us you have autism.

snappop69 · 2025-06-26T16:09:24+00:00

Go to TikTok and search “get in the car Elizebeth”.

Pipnotiq · 2025-06-26T16:51:17+00:00

Treat dates like a dinner/drink out with a good friend instead of a job interview.

Plant seeds for 2nd date, "I've done ___ its fun as heck, we should totally try it next time"

Be funny.

Couple things to work on anyway.

chips_and_hummus · 2025-06-26T16:54:31+00:00

Spark is a strong emotional reaction/connection. It’s not fake at all. Has nothing to do with women. I don’t have a spark with plenty of women I go on dates with. Totally normal.

Spark/chemistry/connection all the same thing. Your attitude is off putting.

ICUpoop · 2025-06-26T18:57:09+00:00

50 tries and you think THEY are the problem? Lmao.

originalgainster · 2025-06-26T18:58:49+00:00

I feel like you're thinking in the wrong direction. Your problem might be that you are trying to say the right things at the right time but you are probably failing or maybe you are succeeding but it's not congruent. If this is what you're doing, you need to not be needy, be vulnerable, and be honest with the women you meet.

Maybe you are indeed not needy and you are honest with women. This is a slightly worse scenario because that might mean that you have a very dull personality. In that case, you need to work on yourself. I don't know you so I can't tell you what to do. You need to figure it out yourself or get a therapist.

I suggest reading Models by Mark Manson to get more context on what I'm saying here.

ConjunctEon · 2025-06-26T16:20:28+00:00

There’s a zone between “I’m a good guy” and “I’m creepy AF”. That’s where the “spark” happens.

I went into a bar just to have a beer, catch some sports updates. The after work crowd was there. Out of the blue, a crumpled up piece of paper lands in front of me, and I look up to see a girl walking towards a table with other girls. The note said “Come on over, we won’t bite”…

So, I went over to the table. I said “So nobody bites?” One girl says “I might…”. Everyone laughs.

Find the zone.

Upgrayedd_U · 2025-06-26T14:52:16+00:00

You've got a shit attitude, that's why.

Your whole post is dripping in condescension towards women. If we can pick it up from a single post, I guarantee the women you're dating are picking up on it, too.

We could give you tips all day, but it be a waste of time right now. The question you need to answer first is, why do you want to sleep with women if you don't even like them? And conversely, why would they want to sleep with you?

Principatus · 2025-06-26T14:47:23+00:00

You’re not trying to seduce them

Da_Druuskee · 2025-06-26T14:57:48+00:00

You have no game, no charm, no stimulation. Stop thinking sex and seduction. First be a fun good vibe individual they feel safe around. Then slowly escalate. Don’t talk about yourself, compliment the little things they put effort into. Be funny. Good luck.

I’ve witnessed a no spark date before, it was cringe, it looked like a job interview. Avoid that at all costs.

FromTheCaveIntoLight · 2025-06-26T15:04:57+00:00

This means you’re not polarizing enough. Not taking enough risks or bold actions/comments. Not hitting them in the feels.

RealisticDiscipline7 · 2025-06-26T14:50:42+00:00

Attraction as you look into eachother’s eyes.

Normal-Help-1337 · 2025-06-26T14:52:48+00:00

Spark is just chemistry, do you vibe, but yeah most have decided no before the date

godofwar108 · 2025-06-26T15:06:08+00:00

Spark = tingle her ⛲

I_suckyoungblood · 2025-06-26T15:15:17+00:00

A spark is what one feels when they have feelings for a person and hope the other reciprocates. In most cases it what many women look for thanks to film/culture/society.

In my personal experience the woman has to show interest first and then you ‘show’ them that you are interested as well. (By that I mean don’t go walking around like an Erect Penis ready to fuck someone, come in with the intention of a genuine interaction and then if they show more interest, you do the same.)

Thats when the spark happens, flirting becomes really easy and it feels as though it was meant to be. When you go in with the intent of wanting a woman, moat women can sense that an immediately put up there defenses and if you show interest right away it can affect negatively and make them heighten their defenses.

DREAM_PARSER · 2025-06-26T15:41:38+00:00

You gotta put some skill points into the Charming skill tree

Kylearean · 2025-06-26T15:51:10+00:00

Learn to build tension and escalate.

Spam_It_All_To_Hell · 2025-06-26T15:55:33+00:00

Maybe taking so many causes you to come off as robotic, saying the same lines.

Clean_Awareness_4233 · 2025-06-26T16:30:04+00:00

Tingles and spark. This is the attraction to another person the i wanna jump on your bones feeling. You always got to make sure you give her this feelings. Flirting, and even just kissing her extra long hug etc. Bulding sexual tension. Getting close to her. Are ways to make her feel this. Having a intimate moment

Darkalchemist999 · 2025-06-26T16:40:15+00:00

This is what I do and I honestly have the opposite problem. Most of the time I just ask them question, if they’re talking 80 percent of the time, then they think there is “chemistry”. DO NO BRAG ABOUT YOURSELF. Then move to another place, once you’re there most of the time they make excuses to get close to you, if they’re talking don’t that’s a sign they are not into you.

Danoli77 · 2025-06-26T16:49:54+00:00

I mean I think if you’ve had this experience 50 times it’s time to start looking at yourself. You’re obviously attractive enough to get the first date but it sounds like you’re loosing them when they dig a little deeper. You might want to examine a few things (I don’t know you so I can’t narrow it down but these come to mind as areas that could be problematic) Examine your goals and motivations. Are you looking to hit it and move on, are you looking for a wife? Nothing wrong with any of these but be upfront about it so you don’t waste time. If you’re looking for fun kinky sex with no strings attached you should make that clear because while you will push away many girls you’ll attract the ones you want and save yourself time and money on dates that don’t align with your goals. Hate to get therapeutic but do you love yourself and have a life that’s filled with joy? It’s literally one of the most attractive qualities to women looking for a LTR. Many women want to be with someone who is mentally healthy happy and living a life that they would enjoy being a part of. 3rd Id look at your manners and how you act on a date. Would your grandmother watch you on a date and think “what a generous young man.” This doesn’t mean picking up the bill but rather acting with consideration. Do you pick the location if so was it with any thought of her needs and desires? Do you have conversational topics that interest her and get her to open up and share stories with you? All in all your description indicates that you’re throwing up red flags on dates and masking the flags or adding seduction strategies won’t fix that. Having game often comes down to being a genuine person that others want to be around. I think if you do the deep work to fix that not only will you be getting 2nd dates but you’ll find the rest of life becomes easier. Best luck mate

sourappleflavorsaver · 2025-06-26T17:45:56+00:00

You need to work on your game. It's all charisma. Remember, women don't like to be chased. Go into the date with only 1 expectation: have fun! Just enjoy yourself and your company.

Tease her, make fun of her or things she says with a smile on your face and kind eyes. To a certain degree, treat her like a bro, make innuendos, and just have a good time.

When you focus on what you can control - your vibe, your body language, your tone - and make it less about bringing her home or creating that 'spark' then everything else falls into place.

Your time spent together should be exciting. Though it's not your job to entertain, it is your job to present yourself with confidence and lead the interaction with charm.

There are lots of videos on YouTube about upping your charm. I like 'charisma academy' where they show celebrity interactions and break them down to explain why certain things work.

cleetusneck · 2025-06-26T18:12:52+00:00

So it’s desire they are looking for- and it’s a hard thing to explain but we all know when we feel it. Read some about creating desire in women. If you are getting dates you are handsome enough, and pleasant enough, but that alone isn’t enough to make you desirable

Ebomb31 · 2025-06-26T18:13:55+00:00

You've suppressed your attraction and sexual energy to feel safe. You stuffed it down too far and now are registering as a nonsexual being i.e. boring.

nopedotweed · 2025-06-26T18:22:26+00:00

Get some fireworks and toss it into her purse

OppaLadyKiller · 2025-06-26T18:23:13+00:00

Women are emotional and you are being tooo logical

adacta777 · 2025-06-26T19:10:01+00:00

Less materialistic more magic unknown then. Learn card tricks or sth Copperfield like

Suspicious-Ad7857 · 2025-06-26T19:37:51+00:00

You're probably too concerned about yourself instead of orienting your perceptions onto the other person

habbo311 · 2025-06-26T20:23:16+00:00

Are you actively trying to fuck her pussy? That's what they really mean

Spare_Air9406 · 2025-06-26T14:28:16+00:00

i bet there would be plenty of "spark" if you looked like brad pitt...

jjboy91 · 2025-06-26T15:29:32+00:00

It's BS they expect a spark within a 2h date..

jadorebby_ · 2025-06-26T15:09:04+00:00

No, a girl who catches spark if she’s interested in you, there’s nothing else to it.

IEThrowback · 2025-06-26T15:20:47+00:00

Seduction tips?? If 50 women are all kinda saying the same thing, maybe you should consider being yourself for a change

BurnItDownSR · 2025-06-26T15:32:14+00:00

In order to create a spark with women, I - need to use proper seduction tips right ?

Yes. But I can tell you're someone who refuses to do that because....

Iguess a Spark" is when the guy says the right thingS to seduce properly eh?

This ^ is way off.

Only an ignorant person would think seduction is a script or a bunch of magic words. We're not in 2003 anymore.

Either accept your fate with dating and stop whining about it or get off your high horse and actually take seduction seriously.

thai-rhone · 2025-06-26T15:19:53+00:00

Next time bring a taser

somethinlikeshieva · 2025-06-26T14:43:41+00:00

Would anyone agree that the degree of flirting has gotten harder in the past 10 years or so? I used to think I was pretty good but now I'm not sure

Title	50 first dates, they all say no "spark"
Author	HypeTekCrew
Upvotes	94
Comments	96
Date	June 26, 2025 2:23 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1ll1flm/50_first_dates_they_all_say_no_spark/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/50-first-dates-they-all-say-no-spark.1555659 https://theredarchive.com/post/1555659

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