Did any of you do the whole “invest in yourself” and become non needy thing? Did it work? What’s your story?

dametime223 · 2022-06-02T14:45:00+00:00

Off topic, but I wanted to note this:

Even though you improve yourself everyday ( career, looks, gym, social skills, experiences) don't stop working on yourself when you start getting results with women.

Most guys throw their ambitions off when they start getting pussy - I saw this ruin their lives. Even though I go out with girls at night, I am still working/in the gym the next morning.

20ftScarf · 2022-06-02T09:57:22+00:00

Haha, yes. It’s the only way. I focused on playing guitar and becoming as attractive as possible. Did about 500 push-ups a day, started playing shows, touring and got a tiny bit of radio play. Now my biggest romantic problem is that my girlfriend hates how much I get hit on.

Neediness is probably the least attractive quality in a human. Which really sucks, because we all need people.

EthicalSeduction · 2022-06-02T11:12:58+00:00

Yes it works but it's not necessarily easy. Your perspective needs to adjust to where you view things differently. Don't over think this and instead try and do things in life that make you happy. When you are enjoying activities and pursuing things you feel are valuable to you, that's when you will relax, feel proud of how you have grown, and suddenly become really attractive because of it. We all want to hang out with really good, smart, talented people who we admire. So focusing on your own growth and happiness changes how you effect those around you.

thedreamkillers · 2022-06-02T10:45:15+00:00

at the beginning (march 2020, 17 years old, zero experience with women), i only focused on my appearance. it took me around 1.5 years of working out and experimenting with my style etc. to get to a point where i was generally considered attractive. i had my first experiences with the opposite sex at 19 years old.

then i got into my first relationship, but it went to shit really quick since my mental health and self-image were still half-baked and i was overall a rather needy person. after wallowing in self-pity for a bit due to getting dumped, i started working on my mental health and discovering my purpose from within instead of basing my self-worth around women.

and so here we are, right now i'm focusing on educating myself and practing mindfulness, while still meeting new people occasionally so i don't lose my social skills.

atomant88 · 2022-06-02T10:04:48+00:00

yep. lost 40lbs, bought a new wardrobe, started a new career, wrote 3 novels. invested a lot more in my social group, and stopped trying to look for a serious relationship.

i never had trouble with dating before (been doing pickup on and off for 12 years). but all of this recent self-work has really made game so much easier.

in a way its kinda depressing because i was always a big body positivity advocate. didnt think my appearance really mattered that much, especially in regards to weight. but unfortunately it does. it makes a big difference. people are shallow. cant deny it now

you still need game. social skills. but being lean does make it all a lot easier (and im not even really 'lean' yet im just less fat lol)

also the 'abundance mindset' and being very clear about not pursuing serious dating has surprisingly helped me get laid a lot too and helped me get some FWBs. women feel more comfy around you when youre straight up and when its a low pressure situation. (and of course also when youre respectful, and sensual, but i already had those areas covered )

Nimsdagod · 2022-06-02T18:50:53+00:00

This is the greatest thing any man could ever do for himself. I went from a kissless awkward

skinny fat virgin square fuck to a giga chad if I'm being honest. Basically you adapt

monk/batman mode for 2-3 years and reinvent yourself. It helps if you can also move to a new

location. It was college for me. Get in the gym, get on youtube, get on reddit. Focus on your

strength, physique, mindset. Adapt a decades mentality. It'll be 10 years for me soon. This

post got me nostalgic. Even though I once did not like myself very much I am so thankful to

that little kid who decided to make a change and believe in himself despite what any of his

friends or family might have said to him. Forever mirin' Zyzz.

ozzzy83 · 2022-06-02T11:17:34+00:00

Ofc that it does work. Guys who are just focused on getting girls but lack their purpose in life, will be focused on one specific girl, and rarely will approach, thus giving so much significance to any girl, will live in a scarcity mindset, appear desperate, and face so many rejections cause girls can sense that a guy doesn't have his shit together, doesn't have options, so she doesn't want to do him a favor by being with him, because that is not how it works.

On the other hand, when you work on your purpose first, and on your skills, plus have an abundance mindset, it shows through your behavior and body language, which girls find attractive, cause you have options, so they feel lucky when you choose them, which is what they want anyway.

7Birdies · 2022-06-02T15:15:51+00:00

Yup. Started reading some books and working with a therapist to find a sense of purpose and self-reliance.

5_7pickup · 2022-06-02T10:37:12+00:00

Majority of guys who follow that advice will still end up struggling with women. Most men have a marketing problem, not a product problem.

BravoPUA · 2022-06-02T14:17:56+00:00

Yes.

Leveling up in life, confidence, social skills, etc is the way.

Women don’t fantasize about being with a goofy, awkward, weirdo, with no confidence.

jsbach123 · 2022-06-02T14:45:08+00:00

The guys who invested himself and didn't see improvement with the ladies are usually investing in himself because of women. That's the wrong approach.

For example, "I'm starting a band so I can get girls". Or "I'm studying for a master's degree so I can get girls". Then they get upset when focusing on self improvement didn't produce results.

You can't invest in yourself for the purpose of women. It has to truly be about yourself and what you're interested in. Women know when you're desperate. They find you most attractive when do you don't give a shit about dating.

tuna_cowbell · 2022-06-02T18:54:18+00:00

I only had my first real, emotionally intimate relationship in 2020-21. I was definitely using it, as proof to myself that I was worthy and capable of feeling love(d), and I think he did too. After it ended in a disastrous spectacular display of angst, and all my beliefs of what love means and how it works were destroyed, I realized how unhealthy it was to rely on an external force—and a singular person, no less!—to constantly prove my romantic worth, and to have someone else rely on me for the same. I have to be the most important person to me, and you have to be the most important person to you—that’s my belief.

For a while, a lot of my desire for independence and self-prioritization was entwined with a fear of being vulnerable again leading to getting hurt again. And honestly that’s still an issue, but I’m working on it. Overall, though, I think I’m learning a healthier mindset for relationships and a better quality of living in general.

Like I said, I didn’t/don’t have much dating experience. I know what it’s like to have a busy personal life involving people and projects other than a relationship/SO. So I just kept on doing that. For me, the new part of “investing in myself” was not pursuing practical/technical skills. It was about developing a new perspective around self-esteem and self care.

So I made, and am making, an emotional investment, trying to love myself the way ai originally needed my boyfriend to love me. I don’t mean romantically, but on a platonic level, I guess. I started looking at myself like my own friend. Doing nice things for myself, reflecting on things I like about myself beyond just my achievements and talents, and appreciating myself for being the conduit through which I experience the world. Sometimes I buy myself food and go to a nice place outside and eat, and I tell myself I’m taking myself on a date, idk. Allie Brosh (idk spelling, but she’s the Hyperbole and a Half lady) has a really good comic/essay in one of her books about it. Idk if it’s online but I really wish it was so I could share it with people.

I’m still really like receiving validation from others. I still struggle a bit with perceiving being in a relationship/receiving affection as something I need to prove my worth. But it’s something I can recognize and I know it’s not healthy or realistic. And I generally feel calmer and happier, I think. I haven’t had a relationship since then, yet, because of other circumstances and because becoming less needy/desperate meant that I wasn’t aching to find someone new to validate me romantically. So altogether it’s not a concluded success story, but I feel I’m in a better place.

Idk if this is what you were asking about, exactly. But the post made me think about my history and I wanted to think about it since it’s been a while since I last really thought it through. Thanks for giving me the prompt and the space to do a bit of reflecting.

nordik1 · 2022-06-03T00:06:47+00:00

Yes and it's paid the most dividends out of anything. When your value increases, you operate with a different sense of self which people around you feel, and if you combine it with being social frequently, you start to realize how easy it can be to stand out above the crowd because almost no one else is doing the work.

tommybruh · 2022-06-02T11:27:28+00:00

Not really, I am always working on myself and my goals. Going to the gym is something that I did before, during and after a relationship, so that o only apply to people that never worked out.

Putting more time on my work and projects?, same, always prioritized them..

Improving my style? Same..

Idk man I guess you have to be focused and don’t chase, but that’s a lie, if you don’t care things won’t come.

What I see is, change your habits, speak with more people and eventually things will change.

But those tips like go to the gym, work on yourself, etc, are only valid if you never did it. But if you are already doing it? .. that’s the problem, you have to find other solutions

Ambitious-Ice2357 · 2022-06-02T11:06:47+00:00

Absolutely!! The more I care about myself and what makes me happy, the more I realize there’s nothing a woman has to offer me except sex. So, that sex better better be so good I see God.

mjornir · 2022-06-02T16:36:53+00:00

I’m in the process of it but it’s working. I find myself more at peace when not pursuing someone. The key is to accept things as they are and do things that genuinely bring you joy without the need for anyone else to be present.

zatannas_magicwand · 2022-06-02T19:19:52+00:00

Yup. Got fucked over by a few different women in college, then finally ended up in a good relationship. Only, I then realized relationships aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. Broke up after a few months, and haven’t really cared much about dating since. My time is too limited to be spent on things that I don’t find personally meaningful, so caring at all about what women (or most people) isn’t on my to-do list. Did it work? For me, yes, because I find my current situation acceptable and manageable. For someone trying to be less needy in the hopes of getting into a relationship, it might be less than ideal.

Fluffy_Risk9955 · 2022-06-02T20:09:32+00:00

Women should invest in themselves. They are themselves their own most valuable asset. Men on the other hand should invest in their mindset, skills, social connections of value and the ability to get results.

jsbach123 · 2022-06-02T20:32:44+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Sunlitstream264 · 2022-06-02T22:19:57+00:00

Currently working on it now, expanded my hobbies and hit the gym everyday, feels great and have made a few new friends. No women yet but they aren’t my priority

cormacru999 · 2022-06-03T01:47:48+00:00

I don't really follow every term in the selection guru nonsense advice, most of it is misleading men for profit, so I'm not sure what invest in yourself might mean, though I can make an educated guess. Making your body healthy is great, but the biggest issues men have today is that they often have no real friendships, no good family relationships, no real goals, no real hobbies, & do things that make them feel good/better but those things can't usually become a more meaningful thing.

Men are deeply fragile, so they struggle to foster better friendships, better jobs, new communities, except the usual like drinking, etc. They spend so much time & energy trying to score a romantic partner, which is scary & hard & they follow terrible advice from gurus & women don't respond well to those things. They are deeply resistant to listening to women's experiences & learning form them, & many eventually get angry at the "unfairness" of it & either dwell in that or get dangerous. And when they do eventually meet a willing woman, that woman becomes their everything, their only friend, their therapist, their parent, their role model, etc, but that often triggers negative feelings that can be fear & jealousy that she'll meet a new, better guy, or fragility that she does things or knows things or has a good job, & at best the woman is just exhausted by it & they split & at worst the man tries to control as much as he can, which sometimes also get abusive & dangerous.

So if you really want to work on yourself, to tackle all the different elements that go into who you are & who you want to be & what you want your life to be like, you should start with therapy. Analyze what you feel & why you feel it & where that comes from. Identify your weakness & strengths, & work on what you'd like to improve or change. The best thing about therapy is its not like any other relationship. You don't need to meet their family, or change favors or even give a shit about their personal life. You hire them to help you, to care about you, that's the whole job.

Remember that therapists are human & therefore fallible, so you can meet a bad one, or you can meet a great one who doesn't know much about what you need in particular & its absolutely ok to change from one to another if you need to, just try to be mindful that its a legitimate problem & not that you're uncomfortable with doing the work.

Equivalent_Current_3 · 2022-06-03T03:13:28+00:00

Honestly no....

a bit of backstory. I was that awkward loner in high school and for the first year of college. at 19 I decided I needed to change. I moved schools, changed degrees, and did the whole investing in yourself thing. I made new friends, tried new things, fell in love with new hobbies, travelled extensively, and focused really hard on school. I even managed to keep a strong social life through covid until I graduated a year ago.

Now at 24 I feel that my life has peaked. All my hard work has paid off. I am in the best shape of my life. Have a few extremely close friends and can get along with anyone. I have a good job and a steady life. I have made my self "the complete package".

All this time, I didnt really worry about dating. I went out to meet people and asked people on dates but I didnt set getting a date as my goal. But over the last year I have started to pay for dating apps, ask friends to set me up, and have made dating more of a priority. Especially since I have a lot to offer.

Now over the last year I have an internal clock that is ticking. Thats young you say! While true, I am 24, I have never been on a date, I have never kissed, and I have only hugged a girl once (Im pretty sure it was a pity hug). I have faced a life of constant romantic rejection.

I have done everything someone reasonably can do and am still not an option.

Thats my story, thanks for showing up to my ted talk.

Confidenceisbetter · 2022-06-02T09:58:19+00:00

Kind of i guess. When i was younger i was kind of needy, got upset easily when i wouldn’t get enough attention from a guy, such as when he wouldn’t reply fast enough and then i would get insecure, i would bring up my issues to make him pity me, etc. Kind of pick me girl behaviour all because i was not confident in myself. Worked on my confidence and now i’m not like that at all anymore.

MentalCelOmega · 2022-06-03T02:37:31+00:00

Tried investing in myself. It didn't work. You can't improve genetics and fate.

TH3BUDDHA · 2022-06-02T19:50:51+00:00

Did it work?

It ALWAYS works because you invested in yourself and became a better person. That's the beauty of it. If you're improving with the motive of making women like you, it's still needy behavior.

HecarimAB · 2022-06-02T20:09:24+00:00

If you “try to do it” then it doesn’t work because you are doing it with the intention to bring in more girls and therefor are not self reliant. Getting to a place where you are a happy person independently will get you more girls but only if you genuinely get there

Littlewing1307 · 2022-06-02T21:02:13+00:00

I invested a few thousand dollars into an emotional healing and dating program, books and therapy. Best money I ever spent! I'm more on the secure attachment side now and my codependency issues are in the back ground. It's been so freeing.

methmonkeysyrup · 2022-06-02T23:23:06+00:00

Here it is.

The real question is, at this point, is online even as a supplement worth anything? It is a serious question. I think in other countries with a niche crowd (family oriented, feminine, your look or type, etc.) it could be. I think mostly now, though, we know the goods are all out in the "real world" and pretty much assign a value via some sort of social circle.

Even from its onset, online was always a short term prospect. The problem is that beyond 2014, you couldn't really get good looking girls on apps anymore --- certainly any that would actually meet up.

logicallyillogical · 2022-06-02T23:29:41+00:00

Lol does improving yourself mentally and physically help? No, being a fat lazy asshole gets you all the chicks!

whale_sports · 2022-06-03T00:17:02+00:00

For me? Was just putting myself out there online...getting SEVERAL matches, and chatting with them. Eventually, narrow it down to 3, 4, or 5 women that I think we'd chill well together.

DaxMan12 · 2022-06-03T03:28:35+00:00

Yes. Honestly I was already physically pretty close (was already in shape and attractive.. that feels weird to say but that’s what I get told) but my mental game was weak. I come from a household we’re there wasn’t the healthiest support system. I always lacked confidence and was super hard on myself, for no good reason. Models was a game changer. Still the most important book I’ve ever read I think. I knew some of the ideas in the book intuitively, but never heard articulated before. It cleared up a lot of my frustrations and I started crushing self-help books, one after another to finally get my head straight. Then I started approaching girls and to my absolute shock and delight, never had one bad experience. One night I gave my number out to 4 girls and they unfortunately all got back to me hahaha. I had 4 dates that week! I was burnt out.

Right now I just started dating someone who I am completely falling for and it’s the best feeling ever. I never really thought I would be truely happy but I put the work in and I’m happier then I’ve ever been.

Spiritual_Pin_7882 · 2022-06-03T03:55:08+00:00

Every single person I know who only pursued the chasing women thing without improving themselves eventually imploded and ended up broke and depressed. A close friend was murdered by the psycho woman he married. Be careful.

TANKER_06 · 2022-06-03T04:49:14+00:00

I work an 8-8 job, 6 out of 7 days. That said, you can imagine how I value my free time. In a sense, I just don't have the luxury of time to be needy! I don't earn a lot. In fact, I'm an average or even below average earner. Thus, I also have to be strategic with my finances and I literally can't afford to "simp" for anyone.

So with the typical day ending at 8, by the time I'm back home and freshened up, it's 9, 9.30. Yes, there are plenty of nightlife options, but most of the days I'm just at home. Working out. Play VR games that work me out. Clean my apartment. Watch YouTube for topics relating to either work or my hobbies. Planning my future.

When I do go out though, I am generally mentally exhausted and all I want is to relax, have fun and have social interaction with anyone that isn't my colleagues. Sometimes some of those interactions happen to be women, and sometimes, I have bedtime fun with some of those women.

So the biggest tip? Find a terrible job that makes you work from 8-8 every day to the point you are so mentally exhausted you can't help but be a selfish prick.

Just a joke, if someone actually took the last paragraph seriously.

Successful_Teach366 · 2022-06-03T06:49:56+00:00

Yes look at my recent post on here

samozleg · 2022-06-03T07:43:29+00:00

Title	Did any of you do the whole “invest in yourself” and become non needy thing? Did it work? What’s your story?
Author	headcase1111
Upvotes	180
Comments	92
Date	June 2, 2022 9:43 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/v3553w/did_any_of_you_do_the_whole_invest_in_yourself/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/did-any-of-you-do-the-whole-invest-in-yourself-and.1258156 https://theredarchive.com/post/1258156

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