Here’s What Women Say About Their [Male] Partners In Therapy

danikow · 2021-10-26T06:12:40+00:00

Long ago I was asked to go to my then bf's therapy session because we needed to "Work things out". In the one session the therapist realized I wasn't the problem and the bf wanted to control me (not let me be out with friends, not be around family etc). He had told the therapist I wasn't committed and I was "going out with other people". Those other people he was talking about was my female best friend and my family.

Therapist told me privately that I needed to leave him after he stormed out screaming the therapist and I were teaming up against him.

I left and it took me staying at my brother's place for two months since I wasn't safe at my place and I couldn't drive my own car to work because he would find out I was working and cause problems.

I had borrowed a different one of my brother's car's; he had three at the time so I could drive to work while my brother drove my car around town AND the police got involved because my work reported my ex causing problems and that finally got my ex to leave me alone.

My brother said that my ex had followed him to a gas station when he was driving my car and then sped off when he realized I wasn't the one driving. Who knows what he would have done if I was the one in my own car.

And men get upset that women act so guarded around them.

IndividualRoutine661 · 2021-10-25T23:43:24+00:00

I wanted to try couples therapy with my ex husband as he had me convinced that it was partly my fault.

He wouldn’t go.

I went alone, therapist listened for 40 minutes then told me to leave him.

Keepers12345 · 2021-10-26T01:25:52+00:00

Mine said, "That's what all addicts say."

Totally changed my perspective.

Woke me up.

DarbyGirl · 2021-10-26T00:33:24+00:00

I had a counselor tell me straight up once when we were one on one that "you can't teach empathy".

She was right.

pepperfog · 2021-10-26T03:04:34+00:00

I actually was contemplating divorce and went to a therapist for transition, he figured out my husband had NPD and was the first time I realized he was extremely abusive. Ironically, it was the therapist I picked out for my husband to work on his issues and treating me a lot better, that he refused to go to. I went ahead with the divorce blocked him on everything as soon as I could (when the divorce was far enough along I didn't have to communicate anything and handed everything to my lawyer). My therapist predicted his behavior to a T for every stage and process, I was able to know what he was going to do beforehand and have a prepared reaction.

sacchilax · 2021-10-26T07:55:20+00:00

"We often marry our issues"

My therapist told this to me during our individual couples counseling session and it completely opened my eyes to what/who my ex was. I knew my dad was a narc, but hearing that opened the possibility to my ex being one too. Shook my entire system but it fortunately made all the shingles on my eyes to fall off and I left him VERY soon after.

huevos_and_whiskey · 2021-10-26T02:38:33+00:00

My therapist had me doing meditations where I’d think of a situation and then focus on how my body reacted, what I was feeling and where I was feeling it. Mostly it was like, I’d think of something and feel tension in my stomach, or I’d think of something else and feel my shoulders relax. When I thought about still being home (not having moved out yet) when he got back from deployment, I felt abject terror throughout my entire body. That was a pretty clear sign I needed to hurry up and leave. If she hadn’t taught me that method, I might’ve stayed and tried to work things out.

macabrasive · 2021-10-26T01:32:22+00:00

I did couples counselling last summer. Well. I went by myself initially and he ‘was going to come after a few sessions.’ He never did. After 5 sessions I finally ended it and my therapist applauded me.

She read me her notes on him from what I’d said. She said -

“Sweetie, the only thing wrong with you is that you let a man gaslight you into spending over $500 on therapy sessions. You know better.”

lifesok · 2021-10-26T03:40:17+00:00

My therapist would ask, ‘do you really feel heard when you try to talk him? Do you think that was an appropriate response? Would you have responded that way?” I think she tried to lead me to seeing how his behavior was toxic. When I decided to leave she practically jumped out of her chair and said, “ok, let’s make a plan.”

Kernowek1066 · 2021-10-26T10:42:01+00:00

My therapist made me realise that my ex was very manipulative and that it was ridiculous to think all the times he hurt me were the accidents he said they were. She also pointed out that I had never once broken or damaged anything of his, but he had broken something of mine by being careless and stupid and had very nearly destroyed treasures sentimental items that link me to my grandmother and had never even apologised.

She basically made me realise that I wasn’t asking too much, like he always made me feel. She made me realise I was asking for someone who brought what I do to a relationship and that he wasn’t doing that.

She also crucially made me realise that I could do better - and now I have, and I’m happier than I ever have been.

Platipus6 · 2021-10-26T00:09:38+00:00

My therapist said "yes he sounds like a sociopath" :)

Biracial_tooth_fairy · 2021-10-26T01:51:20+00:00

I'll add one of my own: 7. Being overly critical of me, then telling me that I need a thicker skin

ExistentialJelly · 2021-10-26T04:58:02+00:00

I also feel like a lot of guys need to know that affection is not sex. Affection is holding hands, kissing without intent of sex, cuddling on the couch watching bad TV, small acts of thought and kindness( flowers, making her favorite meal, a foot rub after running after kids all day)

GlitteringMermaid · 2021-10-26T15:26:11+00:00

As a therapist, reading all of these positive posts gives me warm fuzzies. Yay to encountering therapists who give you a compassionate real talk!

FDS has definitely been informing my work with clients. I've had several older women (post-divorce) tell me that they do not want to date men ever again. There is a palatable pause after they tell me this, as if they are waiting to see if I will pathologize their need/want to be single. I almost always say "your experiences with men are valid and if dating isn't something you want in your life, I see no problem with that."

In my opinion, the desire to not date men is perfectly sane given the reality of men right now. The men who I see in my practice who are genuinely trying still have a LONG way to go in terms of identifying and articulating emotions, holding space for others, being accountable to household/parenting tasks, etc. And these are just they men who are healthy enough to recognize that they need therapy. Many men never make it that far.

Happy Story Time: The funny thing is that one of my clients who initially said she didn't want anything to do with men changed her mind once she had made it through extensive trauma therapy. She was stronger in herself and able to spot red flags. Then she encountered an HVM (from what I can tell) and she is happily dating him. He makes/orders dinner for her, builds relationships with her parents and kids, takes things slow, doesn't have his own baggage, goes the extra mile to reduce stress in her day, etc. Many green flags! Yay to healing the pattern of trauma bonding. <3

_laufaeson · 2021-10-26T09:37:06+00:00

I wanted to try couple’s counseling when my ex and I were ramping up to the divorce. He insisted that he had mentioned it to me a few months prior, but I’m 99% sure he was just gaslighting me about it. To me that was just further proof that I just needed to cut my losses.

repurposedschleem · 2021-10-26T17:08:07+00:00

Therapy saved my life.

I’ve talked a bit about it here but I’d been in therapy off and on for years, trying to suss out what was wrong with me — why I was such a terrible, impatient, materialistic, bossy woman and partner. I was never honest about my partner, most likely doing that subconscious thing where women protect their abusers out of fear of retaliation.

Finally, something in me snapped. I think it was finding out how much he seemed to know an awful lot about how OnlyFans works despite having been married since 2016 and the absolute rage tantrum he through when I asked him to please just tell me if he had an account. He insisted it was because of memes on Reddit but I didn’t buy it and he came unglued, talking about how much he hated me for not ~trusting him~ on the drive home from a date he ruined.

See, I had lost 40 pounds — I was as feeling strong and sexy and I was leveling up so to hear that I wasn’t good enough despite spending hours in salons, gyms, on a dietitian, and thousands on clothes and makeup and lingerie…I had finally had it. When I went out without him and without my ring on, men were so nice to me. Not creepy, most often, but flirty and I felt FUN and DESIRED for the first time in my adult life. So to therapy I went and I was BRUTALLY honest — about how I felt, about how I was being treated, about my fears and how I didn’t think I could see having his children anymore. I did a lot of work to untangle my need for male validation while learning that my marriage was abusive.

Finally during a fight and him raving about divorcing me and finding a “woman who actually loved him” 🙄, he hid his firearm in our house. He wouldn’t tell me where it was because in his words paraphrased of course “I’d be feeding into your paranoia if I did that.”

I told my therapist and we made an escape plan. I filed for divorce the day I left. He was served the next day, I had my new address kept anonymous during court proceedings and I walked away with my life.

Emergency-Feed8216 · 2021-10-26T04:04:24+00:00

3-6: all cheating behaviors.

dkwantsdk · 2021-10-26T03:01:02+00:00

I don’t understand why my partner doesn’t care about something that’s important to me.

Oof. Been there. Absolutely heart breaking. A betrayal beyond words.

xfelugirlx · 2021-10-26T05:18:18+00:00

Some female therapist are blessed for real, they know the truth and they tell you. My ex therapist told me “he’s a narcissist you don’t need that in your life, I’m glad is over” I’m really thankful for everything she made me think and let go

pygmymetal · 2021-10-26T01:30:10+00:00

My therapist told me to go talk to a lawyer- which I did. Ended up with a divorce 4 years later. I was Don Quixote, tilting at the windmills of LVM. Not anymore

whitefox00 · 2021-10-26T19:47:50+00:00

Went to a male therapist who saw both my ex-husband and I. Told us we were both equally responsible for the breakdown in the marriage and that I needed to CoMmUnIcAtE in ways my ex could understand (because apparently “I don’t like it when you do xxxx” is not clear?).

Went to a female therapist. She saw (ex)husband and I for one session. At the end of the session she asked to speak with me alone. Told me I needed to leave him immediately. I did and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Pokegirloras · 2021-10-26T03:36:33+00:00

Ugh go look at the article they did for men, first one says "I think I married the wrong person"

the_ghost_of_ · 2021-10-26T15:54:54+00:00

My partner actively puts other things before me and our emotional connection - like porn or social media.

iggypiggyfiggy · 2021-10-26T20:41:26+00:00

Men’s cruelty truly knows no bounds. It’s insane how much they will take and take from you and not even see (or care) about the damage they do. They hate to hear about the impact they have so they brush you off and make therapy all but a necessity. All of these women could have used genuine support from their partner but what they got is selfishness and conditional love. Support only ever goes one way. Women will prop up men until they have nothing left but it never goes the other way. So done w it

BrightIdeaGenerator · 2021-10-27T01:57:11+00:00

Read the ones men say. Top comment is "I'm afraid I married the wrong person". I think they want it all to be perfect all the time because one of the others is "she nags me all the time." It's fucking ridiculous.

Title	Here’s What Women Say About Their [Male] Partners In Therapy
Author	lakat17
Upvotes	820
Comments	63
Date	October 25, 2021 10:29 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qfs4sq/heres_what_women_say_about_their_male_partners_in/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/heres-what-women-say-about-their-male-partners-in.1081829 https://theredarchive.com/post/1081829

Comments

3-6: all cheating behaviors.