If I need to be perfectly happy alone for a partner to find a partner to like me, why would I want a partner in the first place?

wtknight · 2023-07-17T17:26:37+00:00

OP, please make a small edit to your post in order to bring up the AutoModerator.

nonplussedminus · 2023-07-17T19:21:14+00:00

Depressed, mentally ill, unstable people get into relationships all the time. Also, if somebody is completely indifferent to human contact and affirmation that's not normal, that's schizoid personality disorder. That kind of advice isn't advice at all, it's people telling you to shut up and go away.

Filmguy000 · 2023-07-17T21:01:41+00:00

Yeah I agree. It is a sort of social shit test. Most people that enter relationships do it for the sole fact that they do not want to be alone. If you really are content being alone and enjoying yourself, for most people, the thought of entering relationships will seem daunting.

Khanluka · 2023-07-17T21:34:37+00:00

This a extrovert vs introvert thing. Extrovert dont understand introverts

Zabadoodude · 2023-07-17T17:07:34+00:00

I don't agree with the phrase either.

You can need a partner to fulfill some of your needs. For example, If you feel like you need a family and kids to be fulfilled, you won't be happy without a partner to build that life with. The same is true for needing romance in your life.

The issue is when people expect their relationship to magically fix all their problems. If you have no friends, nothing that excites you or motivates you and you expect a partner to just fix your life for you, then you are setting yourself up for failure.

Z1ayer · 2023-07-17T19:34:04+00:00

Its what's said to 'ugly' people so that they'd leave everyone else alone.

No one is coming. Just move away.

They'd also tell you shit like, 'loves find you when you least expect it', 'only when you stop looking do you look attractive'

You failed at dating, you should find something else to do in life...... That part is true

But them lying to you about your attraction 'improving' is plain lie.

Sorry man, people aren't told this straight, they're supposed to figure this out on their own. And if they don't figure it out, its because they're not ready for the truth.

A1Dilettante · 2023-07-17T17:42:29+00:00

You don't need to be perfectly happy alone, just a functioning adult with some semblance of stability in their life.

Opening_Tell9388 · 2023-07-17T17:13:45+00:00

The ideal partner compliments your life and brings happiness. They do not make your life and give you happiness.

stats135 · 2023-07-17T16:53:08+00:00

There's a fundamental disconnect about how "happy alone" is achieved.

Lets use a basic rational assumption, A man hates working and making money, and loves luxuries and spending money. How do we get him to be happy?

Option one: Stop wanting luxuries, and as such you no longer have to do the thing that makes you unhappy. This is analogous to manosphere's monk mode. Stop wanting women, and you no longer need to deal with any bullshit. What else can you call a life by yourself without suffering but "happy alone".

Option two: Start loving work. Delude yourself that you love being a corporate slave and that work is good. Then you won't even care whether you get paid or not. Getting paid is just a bonus. This is how BP want men to be happy alone. For men to change to the point where they ENJOY the work needed to be attractive/social/high value/etc and to view getting anything in return as mere bonus. To be happy alone as a little work slave, independent of any returns for that work.

JNRoberts42 · 2023-07-17T16:33:22+00:00

It means he or she should have a fulfilling life with or without a partner and shouldn’t expect a partner to solve all their problems nor rely on a partner as their sole source of support and entertainment.

Green-Quantity1032 · 2023-07-17T21:45:06+00:00

Because that 'be whole yourself first' advice is total bullshit, mental masturbation and worst - time sink.

You should never listen to advice that has 0 skin in the game.

ace52387 · 2023-07-17T19:03:17+00:00

Youll never be perfectly happy with a partner either. You can be happy being single, and still be happier when you find a partner.

macone235 · 2023-07-17T22:28:40+00:00

No one gets a partner if they are not getting anything from it.

Men will get into a relationship for love. I guess you could still consider that a transaction, but I would at least consider it a noble and respectable one and kind of the whole point of being in a romantic monogamous relationship.

I agree with the rest though. Women don't want unhappy men coming up to them for obvious reasons, and creating a social norm will help weed out men who aren't confident from approaching.

AstronautLoveShack · 2023-07-17T17:59:59+00:00

It's not that you shouldn't want a partner. Most people want a partner. It's more about not being desperate for a partner. It's about being able to interact with the opposite sex without being a spergy mess. It's about valuing yourself, and valuing your partner for who they are, not just being with someone who maybe isn't so good for you because you don't want to be alone. A partner should enhance your life, and if someone doesn't enhance your life, you should comfortable with being alone instead.

SilentFroggy · 2023-07-17T17:09:25+00:00

You will most likely never be happy. Just learn to live with it and not show any emotions in the rare scenario you do find a good woman.

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-07-18T00:59:42+00:00

I think it’s more “you need to be okay and stable alone” not “you need to be perfectly happy and satisfied with life alone.” I’ve heard the analogy of a relationship being like icing on a cake, and I think it’s kinda perfect. You can’t put icing on a totally messed up cake and fix it, or on an empty plate. But cake without icing is usually kinda bland. Not all cakes need icing but most are better with it.

throwaway123456_7812 · 2023-07-18T03:02:43+00:00

Society tells men this so they continue running on the hamster wheel of economic productivity to pay taxes and don’t shoot a public place up.

sew1tseams · 2023-07-18T10:28:44+00:00

It fully is. I think this advice is meant for the people who are utterly dependent on having a partner for happiness and just jump from partner to partner to fill the void.

There’s a large scale between needing someone because you hate yourself and wanting someone because you recognize it can enrich your life but would be okay alone. Then there are people who avoid relationships because they’re afraid of losing themselves and don’t know how to have a relationship without compromising themselves so they prefer to be alone but maybe not in a healthy way

TLDR it’s more complicated than that and you’re right, that oversimplification is bs

dyngladfel · 2023-07-18T13:43:56+00:00

I see what you're saying, but I've also seen men on here say they feel desperately suicidal and a relationship would fix that. I think there needs to be some balance between the two. You need as a person to be in a position mentally that you can cope with the emotional upheaval that is falling in love, starting a relationship and building a life with another human being. You don't need to be perfect or self actualised or blissfully content though.

EsotericRonin · 2023-07-18T18:21:47+00:00

You should be able to be happy, not necessarily fulfilled. Most people crave to start a family biologically.

TheArchmaghea · 2023-07-19T04:39:46+00:00

I find all those superficial human specie repulsive, so I am better off without a partner.

totallyworkinghere · 2023-07-17T18:39:59+00:00

You don't need to be perfectly happy, but you do need to be content. There's a difference.

A partner is not a solution to a problem. A partner is someone who is there beside you, not there for you. If a person isn't able to handle their own shit and have done extra empathy to spare for another person, they just aren't ready for a partner.

Also, if you don't even like yourself, why should anyone else? Being lonely is one thing, but equating your self worth to having a partner reflects back into the way you live your life and just turns off people.

ThanosSnapsSlimJims · 2023-07-17T17:00:18+00:00

It's not a shit test. That's a crock.

If you aren't in a place where you can't handle yourself and being independent, how can you expect someone else to want to be with you? In a way, it's a type of emotional baggage.

The idea is to spend time learning to be at peace with yourself and the world around you. Time alone gives you time to reflect on your life, and to make changes that will move you steps towards becoming more happy and successful. Once you've achieved that, you can handle being an equal contributor to a relationship.

Puzzleheaded_Aside_3 · 2023-07-17T18:31:15+00:00

Because that’s how humans are. To protect yourself so that you can protect one other.

It’s just that life itself hasn’t healed from generational trauma that has led us to this toxic thinking ways

Larry-Man · 2023-07-17T22:42:16+00:00

Firstly, there is an absolute important distinction between want and need.

No body should ever tie their happiness to another person. It’s unhealthy and unfair to the person. The only people who should need another person to fulfill them is children who can’t do it on their own. Everyone should be able to soothe themselves on their own and enjoy themselves on their own.

By being able to provide your emotional, mental and physical needs to yourself you suddenly be able to garner healthy attachments. You can make friends who you can confide in and they can confide in you but you won’t fall apart without them. If you can’t fulfill your own needs you will be opening toxic issues. It’s like sometimes an open wound gets infected.

Wanting a partner is normal, healthy and totally okay. Being lonely sometimes is normal. What isn’t is this driving, compulsive need. I don’t want to be needed by anyone. I want to be wanted. Needing is a child-parent dynamic. Not one between two adults.

For example: I don’t need a partner or even friends to do a lot of things I like: I can go to a movie alone or dinner alone. These things are better with friends but if I want to do them I still can.

I do want someone to share my successes and failures with. I want to sleep next to someone but I’m perfectly capable of sleeping on my own.

By confusing wants and needs

Serge_Suppressor · 2023-07-17T18:06:39+00:00

I've never seen anyone say "you need to be totally happy to find a partner." Not once. I can't even conceive of what it would mean to be "perfectly happy" — alone or with someone else.

Where have you been where people say that?

bryansodred · 2023-07-17T19:01:36+00:00

Id still rather be happy n end up never needing a partner, than to have to need a partner just to obtain a happines i couldnt attain alone.

Then if my partner leaves, now im broken until i find another partner to replace n make me feel whole n happy again. Yeah im not interested in living my life like that.

Epiphanic_Eros · 2023-07-17T20:08:38+00:00

It's not necessary (obviously). But it is among the best ways to: 1) attract quality women, and 2) build great relationships with those women (and everyone else).

Why would you want to, if you're already happy? For the same reasons that a happy person might go on a hike, or buy a great knife. Just because you're happy doesn't mean that you won't want to set up the conditions to increase the quality of experiences and relationships in your life.

Disco_Lightning · 2023-07-17T22:08:36+00:00

I think the goal is to be happy enough that you're not going to go for just anybody. If you're already happy, you have a much smaller chance of sticking with someone who isn't healthy for you, because you make your own happiness. Then you can look for someone who adds to it, but if they don't, you just go back to your happy life.

Of course, I don't think anyone is undeserving of love just because they're not happy. The fact that we make these arguments gendered makes no sense. Everyone hears the same platitudes when it comes to this, and it's bullshit either way. You can love other people even if you don't love yourself. A lot of us will be harder on ourselves than anyone else. Not everyone operates the same way.

But it is easier to be a better partner when you're happy and love yourself. But being happy and loving yourself isn't as easy as pressing a button, because if it was, everyone would be happy. So I think people should have some compassion for those who aren't happy. They deserve love too.

It's just hard on the other side of that, being with someone who is never happy. It's hard to feel adequate because most partners want to be able to make their partner happy. But at the same time, if you're happy and confident in yourself, it will be easier to not take it personally when your partner isn't happy. But if you're both not happy people? Idk how that would work, maybe it would in some cases cause you can understand each other.

However, it's also important not to expect someone to make you happy, to the point where you feel it's owed. That's where a lot of the issues break down.

Anyway, it's a complicated topic that a lot of people break down into black and white rules when, in reality, people are messy

DeepHouseDJ007 · 2023-07-18T10:39:48+00:00

Because no one wants to be with someone who isn’t emotionally self-sufficient, it’s a sign that someone is poorly adjusted and has maturity issues.

kvakerok · 2023-07-18T01:52:34+00:00

Ok, not totally, how about 80% happy? Or at least not a needy emotional basket case. I'm talking about both sexes here btw.

Silly-Sun-7098 · 2023-07-18T03:03:54+00:00

You’re taking the phrase at face value without considering the nuance. Same with “money doesn’t buy happiness”.

What it’s means is if you’re an insecure person you’ll likely attract abusers and self sabotage your relationship and put yourself in positions you don’t want.

MuseofPetrichor · 2023-07-18T04:51:35+00:00

I had to learn to rely less on my husband for my happiness, but you don't have to be perfectly happy being alone to deserve a partner. I am more comfortable with my alone time now as a married woman than I was when I wasn't married. I was restless as a younger woman, always needing someone to constantly talk to or listen to me talk.

Quick_Ad_3367 · 2023-07-18T05:01:52+00:00

Being with a person I love and who loves me has objectively made me happy and fulfilled and gave me strength to deal with the other issues.

I dont know where the automod comment is so Im agreeing with the post like this.

SmoothForest · 2023-07-18T10:24:51+00:00

Relationships won't fix all your problems but guess what? Nothing will. The world is a shitty place that will keep getting shittier until you die and the entire human race kills itself in nuclear warfare, and what remains of the earth gets swallowed by the sun.

Saying that "a girlfriend will make me happy" isn't me saying that a girlfriend will fix all problems in my life. All I'm saying is that a girlfriend would help distract me from the unrelenting suffering and tragedy of my meaningless existence, just like my friends,my family, and my hobbies distract me. Except romance tends to just be more effective than those other things

Prestigious-Delay759 · 2023-07-18T15:10:09+00:00

Yeah, nobody thinks you need to be perfectly happy. You just need to not be a needy insecure. dick, who's built up the idea of being in a relationship to the point where it's at the top of your self-defined and self-imposed list of things you think you need in order to let yourself be happy. We all define our own happiness and we all have free will and can impact our own emotional states and values. As soon as you demystify and demphasize the importance of a relationship just a bit, just so that you're not acting obsessive and childish things get much easier. No one ever said that you had to be an island or a sociopath who needed no one or an intentionally eternal single person in order to find romantic success. You're doing this melodramatic all or nothing interpretation of a valid piece of advice.

Lastly, I have yet to meet a depressed forever alone person that didn't have way too high of standards and way too unrealistic ideas of what a successful romantic relationship looked like. Regardless of gender or sexual preference, all the people I've known personally (and I've had a bunch of friends with these problems) who were deep down that hole thought that relationships were some fantastic mix of pornography and romance films or thought that a successful relationship always felt like the first couple of exciting weeks of new relationship energy and they're nothing like that.

Having a successful romantic partnership does not "make you a better man" like some Jack Nicholson line from whatever the f*** that movie was, I can't remember the name of right now. It should be no surprise that big romantic works affection are just as unrealistic as f****** action movies. Your romantic partner is another person, not an objectified magic totem that is the cure all to your problems. In all honesty, having a successful relationship takes a lot of work and depending on the problems you experience could even make things harder for you.

People nowadays often laugh and think it's obvious that having a baby won't make a relationship easier and that if it's already having problems, it will clearly make them worse. They're absolutely right. That is a good common sense thing to be aware of.

The same is true for you or your partner as individuals. Suddenly being in a romantic partnership isn't necessarily going to make your profound problems better. Much like a baby, there's a good chance that it could even make them worse.

Lastly, how do I know all of this? I am an unattractive disabled male, who is not rich, etc. but I still eventually found a person who I love and who loves me and who I was able to successfully date for many years and eventually mary. She doesn't fix everything in my life. Some things are easier with her. Some things would be easier without her, but having her in my life makes me significantly more happier than not having her in my life. We love each other, but that doesn't mean we don't get on each other's nerves or that we expect each other to be one another's savior or superhero or other unrealistic f****** thing. In college I decided to wrap my selfworth up so much in whether or not I had a successful romantic relationship that I started f****** up in school and almost flunked out. I'm not giving you some b******* lines about how you just need to "go to the gym" because f*** the gym that never did s*** for me. That said, when I went to therapy and really worked on myself things got easier. I didn't turn into a crazy hermit and cut all my social ties and burn all my bridges. I just learned to be mature and spend more time focusing on getting my school work done, taking care of myself and my responsibilities and then responsibly managing my free time and socializing as opposed to obsessively chasing opportunities for romantic or social success. Surprise surprise! After a few years of that, I'd formed good habits and suddenly all social situations, especially romantic ones became easier because I was not psyching myself out by having put all these various things on high pedestals. I had learned realistic expectations of things and such realistic goals and then suddenly everything became easier.

You know what else I did that's super not romantic and probably seems f****** shocking and dumb to people. When my wife and I were still dating and we'd been together for a few years and started thinking about our long term future and started noticing some extremely minor problems in the relationship we sat down, had a conversation and decided to go ahead and burn some money on couples therapy. It was tremendously helpful. If you think about a relationship like a house and your problems like termites, is it better to wait until the house is basically falling down from termite damage? Or is it better to have an exterminator come and put out preventative things before the termites have even infested the home? Seems pretty obvious when you look at it that way. No matter how mature you are, and no matter how mature your partner is, no one is perfect and no relationship is completely identical. Things that works great in past relationships or works great for your friends and family or seem like common, etc., may not be the best option for your relationship. It's hard to see the forest for the trees and even if you and your partner are emotionally intelligent and smart, you will likely be blind to some excellent options. Having someone who is a professional that can help you find some of the pitfalls or potential problems in your relationship and iron them out before they're even a thing is one hell the f****** cheat code. Why make things harder than they need to be, If you can give your relationship a buff why not to do it? I'm not saying it was a magic fixall or that it didn't take work and I'm not saying it wasn't expensive. We had like a shitload of roommates at the time and we're both working at our initial post college dead end jobs but it was worth the financial hardship and the other associated effort.

Title	If I need to be perfectly happy alone for a partner to find a partner to like me, why would I want a partner in the first place?
Author	Feanoris2
Upvotes	126
Comments	146
Date	July 17, 2023 1:28 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1521zyq/if_i_need_to_be_perfectly_happy_alone_for_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/if-i-need-to-be-perfectly-happy-alone-for-a.1225633 https://theredarchive.com/post/1225633

Comments