CMV: If you're in a happy relationship, you've "settled".

Lift_and_Lurk · 2023-09-01T14:51:22+00:00

I think people don’t quite understand the difference between “settling” and “settling down”.

Slipthe · 2023-09-01T14:55:44+00:00

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I'd rather be dumb and happy in the case of partner selection.

It's also very much the case that most choices are so similar to each other in your net happiness, that the choice is negligible. You have to make peace that there are thousands of lives you could have lived, and even in those you may have ended up wondering and wishing for what could have been.

Notanothrshitthrow · 2023-09-01T14:46:19+00:00

I mean at some point most people cash their chips in, if you want to call that "settling" then so be it. I think this is rather obtuse though, you know what people mean by "settling", it's more an attitude of "eh, I guess you'll do" rather than "I love this person very much and believe they are the best option I can find".

It would drive me mad to always be on the look out for the "better" option, grass ain't greener and all...

Schmurby · 2023-09-01T15:24:39+00:00

This is why I attempt to have sex with all adults that I meet. I gotta know who’s best between the sheets. So I ask everyone I meet if they’d be down for a tumble.

It does get me in trouble sometimes, like my HR department put me on leave without pay. But…the old Sikh guy who runs the liquor store downstairs from my apartment turned out to be a real wildcat in the sack!

Life is full of surprises! 🤷‍♂️

Icy_Ordinary2025 · 2023-09-01T15:14:47+00:00

So in order to avoid "settling, "settling", you have to meet every single human on the planet?

Or everyone is settling because there might be "someone better"?

Wow. This sub really is young. Y'all seem to misunderstand settling down and settling.

baresquad · 2023-09-01T15:39:47+00:00

Y’all outlooks on life are insanely miserable. I can’t imagine being or thinking that I’ve settled because I haven’t met everyone in the world.

There’s 3 billion people here lmao.

1Here4Bach · 2023-09-01T14:48:48+00:00

Literally everyone settles. Everyone has fantasies of dating someone “perfect” and way out of their league. But most people know those are just fantasies and extremely unlikely happen. That doesn’t mean they don’t love or desire their spouse any less.

Intelligent-Cat9136 · 2023-09-01T14:58:26+00:00

Settling has a negative "connotation".

That's what creates the uproar.

ItWasBrokenAlready · 2023-09-01T15:47:13+00:00

I was not looking for anyone with a checklist of expectations. I met a man and not being with him suddenly seemed like the worst thing in the world.

MarBitt · 2023-09-01T16:00:56+00:00

Let's say you want to build a house that will be your home and you are looking for land. Eventually you will find a plot of land that suits you and start building. As a result, you stop looking at other plots, because you are already building on that one, and the more you build, the more you have invested in that plot, until you finally have an entire furnished house there. Even if you found out about a better piece of land somewhere in the world, you won't leave your home that you've worked hard to build for years because of that, if that home suits you.

In the same way, if you want to build a quality relationship and find a compatible partner for that, then once you start building together, it makes no sense to look elsewhere as long as you have common goals and the relationship suits you.

A relationship is the kind of house that you can never stop investing in and that you can always build and improve. Finding a suitable plot of land is only the first step. Finding and getting a partner that suits you is not the end, but the beginning of your investments and efforts.

bluestjuice · 2023-09-01T16:49:58+00:00

I mean, this is a semantic argument at heart, right? The real issue is whether there is an intrinsic negative quality to the word ‘settling’ or not.

I personally think the word ‘settling’ requires known quantities - that more is needed beyond a general sense that there may be a person more ideally suited to you somewhere out there in the world. That statement is true enough, but I think the concept of settling really demands accepting a second-best option in the face of a specific alternate option that really exists and that one would prefer more.

Zabadoodude · 2023-09-01T16:58:41+00:00

Sure, by that definition, everyone settles for everything all the time, but there's a difference between settling, and being acutely aware that you're settling.

obviousredflag · 2023-09-01T15:09:53+00:00

You guys stop looking?

relish5k · 2023-09-01T15:33:27+00:00

I’ve met a lot of men in my life. And I’ve dated quite a few as well. I’m confident in my assessment that I could not find someone who makes me more happy than my husband. If it came to it, I could likely find someone who makes me just as happy. But why in the heck would I put myself through that heartbreak just to end up where I started?

KayRay1994 · 2023-09-01T15:53:11+00:00

While I do agree with you, when people talk about settling as a bad thing its less the literal meaning of the phrase but rather, a heavy implication of settling for a lot less - which means a lot of things for a lot of people, but the best summation would probably be “someone you don’t really like much” - ie. getting married to a person when you’re older who you don’t particularly like cause you think time is running out is what is implied by “settling” or say you have low self esteem and you be up with someone cause “nobody else would want me” without truly exploring your feelings for that person. That’s also an implied meaning when people say settling.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-09-01T16:04:46+00:00

Sure, if we want to be pedantic about it, any time you accept something that isn't the ideal thing you imagined to be perfect in your head, you're settling. However, people, especially people on this sub, absolutely view settling as a bad thing. When people talk about ''settling'' around these parts, it's never just someone who ended up with an overall wonderful person who just isn't the Mr/Ms Perfect of their imaginations, it's used to imply that someone is putting up with a substandard partner that they don't particularly like in the first place but that's the best they're going to get.

Words can have different connotations so while settling in the broadest sense may not be an inherently bad thing, in certain contexts it may have a much different, more negative meaning.

_sikandar · 2023-09-01T16:24:38+00:00

Yeah, I guess I agree that it is ridiculous to not settle or pretend that you're not settling when for example, you probably settled in other places in your life

Not everybody gets their first pick of college, not everybody gets to work their dream job, not everybody can afford to buy a brand new car, not everybody gets to live in the house of their dreams, why would relationships be any different?

If you don't settle, your life just doesn't move forward

The complaints about settling could have more to do with cheating, or entitlement

SrNetworkEngineer · 2023-09-01T17:50:51+00:00

Just curious OP but are you on the spectrum?

Justwannaread3 · 2023-09-01T18:39:31+00:00

This sounds like someone who’s never been in love.

Intellectually, I understand that there are men who would be considered more attractive than my partner — and there are certainly men who have attributes that I find attractive that my partner lacks.

I understand that there is likely to be someone in the world who could make me laugh more than my partner does.

But being in real love puts blinders on you. No one really looks more more attractive to me than my boyfriend, even if they would have before I fell in love. There’s no one who feels funnier to me. I have no interest in talking to anyone more.

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Uglypostwall · 2023-09-01T15:26:12+00:00

Well seems like being in happy relationship is useless for man

Akainu14 · 2023-09-01T15:41:10+00:00

It's not an inherently bad thing, it means you've made your final choice but in this modern climate it's basically a shorthand for: settling for "less" and paired with other phrases like "I am the prize" and "know your worth"

Perfect-Resist5478 · 2023-09-01T15:59:03+00:00

I think people make perfect the enemy of goof. Good enough is good enough

Windmill_flowers · 2023-09-01T16:56:52+00:00

[permanently deleted]

MistyMaisel · 2023-09-01T17:48:10+00:00

I didn't need to. I'd already greatly narrowed the field down simply by looking for a man. I narrowed it even further by wanting a man I found attractive. (I'd even tried dating dudes I didn't find attractive so I know that won't work first hand). I narrowed it even further by expecting a certain financial situation. I narrowed it even further by expecting a certain set of shared values. I narrowed it even further by needing him to train BJJ. (I tried dating dudes who did not share my values, had the wrong financial situation, and didn't train BJJ so I know that simply will not work). I narrowed it even further by expecting shared life goals. And then I narrowed it even further by wanting a certain set of personal characteristics (I tried dating dudes with different life goals and different personal characteristics). I knew we had to have certain sexual compatibilities. And, I needed to have a mysterious and inexplicable spark with that human. It literally can only be this guy so far as I can tell. There may be perhaps a few other dudes I could have connected with, but I don't want them because I want this dude.
What evidence do you have of this? You can't just make this claim with no evidence to back it up. That which is asserted without evidence can be dismissed without it. I dismiss your claim.
I am no longer looking for someone better because there is no one better. I have not settled, I have found and now am ready to "settle-down". Not settle.

SrNetworkEngineer · 2023-09-01T17:48:43+00:00

Everyone settles anyway so it doesn’t matter. Nobody gets 100% of what they want, so, mathematically speaking, everyone settles.

Settling isn’t a bad thing. It just means you’ve accepted that you’re not 100% of what someone else wants and they aren’t 100% of what you want and there’s enough that you like about each other to stop looking for someone better.

not-a-dude-at-all · 2023-09-01T17:54:39+00:00

I'm not immortal and there are other things I want to do in my life that aren't about chasing women.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-09-01T18:57:27+00:00

What do you even count as settling? Most times it's implied that you picked a relationship that's bad in some way but you settled for it even though you look elsewhere for better. Not that it's good and you're happy, happy enough to not seek anything elsewhere.

harmonica2 · 2023-09-01T19:33:21+00:00

I don't think it counts as settling if you're happy in the relationship.

babazuki · 2023-09-01T20:21:11+00:00

Finding your partner isn't the end of the road. It's not like you go on a few dates with someone and that's going to be the best your relationship will ever be. You still have opportunity to learn about each other and build compatibility, chemistry, and XYX as long as you're both willing to put in the effort. The best relationships get better with time and there's nothing else out there that could compare.

But if you are looking at your partner like it's just their job to make you happy, and they aren't doing it, and they're disposable, and there's better people out there and your personal attachment isn't a factor into your relationship, and you've given up putting in any effort in your current relationship, then yeah you've "settled".

abaxeron · 2023-09-02T04:44:37+00:00

I haven't met everyone in the world, but among all the women I have met, only one chose me as her special other despite my lowest point in life, and shortly after enthusiastically volunteered to give birth to my child.

Since I don't plan to have any more lowest points, even if a hottie bimbo comes up to me today and says that she wants my baby and maybe raise it together, it will not be taking the same bar.

kochIndustriesRussia · 2023-09-02T10:26:29+00:00

Nah. You settle when you take a partner who isn't exactly what you want BUT you're afraid of being alone.... so you take what you can get. You compromise on your own standards. You're not happy... at all. But at least you're not alone.

I only found a happy relationship after I decided I would never settle again. Same for her. We had both been - intentionally - single for a bit before we met because we both decided we were not entering another relationship unless the person was an absolutely 100% perfect match. No compromises.

HimNeutron · 2023-09-03T04:58:44+00:00

Come on bro, this is why dating is the shit fest it is. Thinking like this.

Radiant_Reply5612 · 2023-09-03T22:14:35+00:00

Paradox of choice.

There’s always going to be someone that appears to have “more” it doesn’t mean they’re not lacking in other ways, or are compatible to you, or that they will want you.

Meeting all 3 billion people isn’t realistic & it can only be settling if you don’t get what you actually want. If you have, then it’s not settling.

Title	CMV: If you're in a happy relationship, you've "settled".
Author	Windmill_flowers
Upvotes	0
Comments	163
Date	September 1, 2023 2:44 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/16793mn/cmv_if_youre_in_a_happy_relationship_youve_settled/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/cmv-if-youre-in-a-happy-relationship-youve-settled.1230594 https://theredarchive.com/post/1230594

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