You are responsible for your orgasm. CMV

mackenzie013_02 · 2023-03-31T05:47:30+00:00

This is why casual sex isn’t worth it in my view. It takes a while to feel completely comfortable with your partner and that comfort usually turns into better communication and better sex.

MarBitt · 2023-03-31T04:19:44+00:00

To some extent I enthusiastically agree.

At the same time, sex is communication. With myself during masturbation, and also with my partner during sex. You are responsible for what you say and how you behave when "talking". But whether it will be fun, sparkly and fondly remembered is not only up to you. It is the result of a joint effort in "talking" and also external circumstances, including health, relationship, compatibility...

So each is responsible for himself, but both are jointly responsible for the result of joint activities.

Ohms2North · 2023-03-31T04:59:58+00:00

If a guy can’t come it’s his fault. If a woman can’t come it’s also his fault

whitehack · 2023-03-31T04:05:55+00:00

100% true!

And I’ve honestly had some of the most intense amazing ones by myself lol. Penetrative sex just makes me feel desirable and validated. And caters to imagination.

fakingandnotmakingit · 2023-03-31T08:24:06+00:00

Truth. As a woman, this is why until I know the guy well enough... I don't get mine? You dont get yours.

TermAggravating8043 · 2023-03-31T07:27:51+00:00

The thing is, this kind of communication takes time and a build up as you get more comfortable with each other.

The first time with a new partner is always going to be a bit awkward cause everything is so new, you don’t want to start giving your partner ‘instructions’ on how to please them or your gonna come across as an arsehole.

It’s similar with kinks and trying new things, you don’t get to that first time and pull out a strap on

I agree you don’t expect your partner to mind read but great sex only comes (pardon the pun) after you and your partner know each other really well and easily communicate even if it’s for something embarrassing

IWillKeepYourSecret · 2023-03-31T05:46:30+00:00

I used to take this somewhat personally, but I now realize I don't have to...

I've always tried being very open about sex: likes/dislikes, trying out things, asking questions and learning what my partner likes. Being good in bed is something you learn and that changes with every person.

My partner was the complete opposite. No foreplay, no aftercare, no feedback at all. Apparently I'm the first person he's ever been with that actually wants to... talk about sex..? He said, "usually afterwards, I'd just get up and say 'good sex!' and that's that."

He didn't realize women cared about the clitoris; he shamed me for wanting an orgasm after months.

Before the shaming, I initiated 99% of the time. I was excited and always put his pleasure before mine; I was happy and ready to please.

Whenever I read, "you're responsible for your own orgasm," I tend to get a little sad. I didn't ask for much; only for him to kiss and touch me while I helped myself out. For some reason, I felt like the responsibility comment is also directed towards me... I'm happy you clarified the interpretation.

I never expected 50/50... but I never expected that either. He's grown a lot, fortunately, and I don't think I should feel guilty anymore when I read how I'm responsible for my own orgasm.

JadedButWicked · 2023-03-31T08:35:48+00:00

Analogous to dating, women preach about equality but expect men to do most of the work.

CrackerUMustBTripinn · 2023-03-31T05:50:47+00:00

'Didn't you get yer hole wet? We both had things to do?'

Novadina · 2023-03-31T04:14:27+00:00

In my experience, if the man is not the type to already want to do things that result in my orgasm, me speaking up makes no difference. The guys who want to do it usually just do it, or ask if I’m done or what I like, when I’ve had to say, “I know you finished but I’d like a little more attention to finish also”, guys just said “nah”. Those types of guys it doesn’t matter, they just use you to masturbate basically, like they wanted me to just lay there, some wouldn’t even let me be on top (easiest way for me to get myself off).

ambitiousphuck · 2023-03-31T12:47:03+00:00

Generally one gender refuses to take responsibility as much as the other

Source: the comments on this post

2023-03-31T07:34:19+00:00

Yeah it seems a lot of women have adopted this mentality of never make any effort at all for anything with regards to dating/sex. Don’t work on urself in any way, embrace your awful personality, wait for a guy to absolutely woo you for you to even consider him, wait for a top 0.0001% male, lay there and make him make you orgasm. When given unlimited options people become super lazy and unmotivated

TheLoneStranger878 · 2023-04-01T07:08:14+00:00

Couldn't agree more I've stated this numerous times. If I as a man have no problem bringing myself to an orgasm by myself or with a woman then a woman should have no issues doing the same. IF she cannot bring herself to orgasm during sex then the issue is with her.....

LocalDegenerate123 · 2023-03-31T04:32:29+00:00

Inb4 someone will say "there is no such thing as female orgasm"

Safinated · 2023-03-31T04:53:22+00:00

Sure, and if your partner doesn’t care or make an effort, that’s cool? Or argues with you, or calls you abnormal/broken/a liar?

gymbronyc718 · 2023-03-31T11:00:34+00:00

When 99% of men on the sub proudly proclaim that they will have sex with anything that moves and will be honored to just be in the same room as a naked girl, your argument just doesn't have the impact that it should.

When 99% of men on the sub proudly proclaim that a woman who has had more sex than they would want her to is a slut and used up goods, how exactly do they expect women to get the confidence and experience to be good in bed and know their bodies well enough to cum?

WYenginerdWY · 2023-03-31T04:29:42+00:00

This discounts the fact that many women do try to guide their partners and give feedback about what they find pleasurable and the men lose their shit over it. So what, whip out a dildo after he's done? Guess what, the same men that get pissy about feedback on sex get pissy about sex toys.

Telling women to be 'responsible' for their orgasm is only reasonable if you assume her partner is capable of being taught.

Andre27 · 2023-03-31T10:35:11+00:00

I agree but at the same time youre still responsible for your partner, and im baffled by how many guys there apparently are who just want to masturbate into the girl and leave and how many women just starfish.

You cant be expected to know how to get your partner off without at least time and practice, but preferrably also communication. But you can be expected to at least try without being told. Imo its the same as acting like a committed partner rather than like a single person. You cant be expected to know everything that might upset your partner, but you can be expected to at least put in the effort to not do obvious things like not cheating, whether soft or hard, not going out to party with single friends and without your partner, not posting sexual photos for attention, not thirsting after IG models and so on. For the small stuff that might be more specific to you, well you have to communicate that to your partner, but you very much can expect them to at least do the bare minimum and put in effort without being told.

Also, guys not wanting to put in effort to at least try to make the girl cum is the most insane thing to me, like thats the basics of being a man, you take charge and you make her cum. Girls starfishing at least makes some sense even if its not acceptable. But I dont see how guys feel like men if they put no effort into the pleasure of the woman.

obviousredflag · 2023-03-31T07:36:03+00:00

ON AVERAGE: Men care for their own orgasm most of the time. If they didn't work towards it physically and mentally, often going close to exhaustion, they would not have as many orgasms. How often have women gone close to physical exhaustion to get themselves to orgasm while having sex with a man? Rarely, compared to men. Of course there is an orgasm gap if there is an effort gap.

gofigure62 · 2023-03-31T13:21:17+00:00

Communication before, during, and after sex is important. However, after a certain amount of time consistently fucking someone, they should understand what someone likes, wants, and needs in the bedroom.

Every sex session shouldn't have to be a dissertation. Sexual chemistry exists, some people just don't sexually align and if the sex with that person is bad or awful, there is no reason to keep fucking them.

If people are responsible for their own orgasm then logic would dictate that they'd just masturbate to guarantee they'll have their own orgasms.

I would never fuck someone who isn't invested or interested in making me cum. There is no reason to have sex with someone if there is zero sexual gratification from it. I only have sex with people consistently if having sex with them feels good and sexually satisfying. I'm not going to fuck anyone who tells me "You couldn't cum, that's your problem.".

I've been interested in men sexually, however their inability to follow direction or requests during make out sessions was enough to let me know that they'd be absolute shit in bed. So many men do not listen or care to listen when it comes to sexual intimacy. They think "they know what they're doing" and don't need the woman telling them what to do because they watched porn and think they can reenact everything that they see on the screen.

houstongradengineer · 2023-03-31T04:08:22+00:00

If your partner isn't watching you to see if you're wanting them to keep going... Forcefully telling them what you want won't change a thing.

Sure, if you are new, speak up. Sure, if you want something that's a little kinky or unusual, speak up. But also ask, listen, and watch. It takes 2, or else you might as well be solo.

begayallday · 2023-03-31T12:56:23+00:00

Lol, in the best case scenario guys will say okay but not actually listen to you. In the worst case they’ll get all offended that you dared to insinuate that he’s not already god’s gift to women, recoil in disgust at what you are asking for, make a half assed attempt and then whine about it being too hard, or not only ignore you but also hurt you physically while doing whatever he feels like doing. Sex with men is rarely worth the effort.

imnot-lola · 2023-03-31T12:57:36+00:00

I will never understand not wanting to do the absolute best to get your partner off. Who cares who does or doesn’t owe anyone an orgasm? Shouldn’t you want to make your partner orgasm? Shouldn’t that get turn you on? I’m grateful to have been with men who take pleasure in pleasuring me, I can’t imagine how miserable thinking about sex the way some of you do 😬.

Slavicgoddess23 · 2023-03-31T14:20:37+00:00

I will avoid partners that don’t help the process. They are not fck buddy material, relationship material and especially not marriage material.

Also if you are in friend groups and a bad lay, women talk. And worn other women.

Getting yourself off as a male is bare minimum. Gold star is getting the woman off, and you’ll be known as a sex god.

MistyMaisel · 2023-03-31T19:27:13+00:00

So, I'm sure this is stepping on a hornet's nest,

But I totally disagree. And I don't mean it in some weird if he can't make me cum, he's satan sort of way. But it is absolutely the responsibility of a partner to make sure their partner achieves orgasm and has a pleasurable and fun time if that is what they want. Both men and women.

Is it easier to do for men generally? Yes. In fact, in my experience, most of the work is in getting men not to come before you do. Which tends to include a lot of edging. Cool beans. If we're both only looking out for number one other than some minor communication, he's gonna blow and I know it and so does he.

Secondly, any other kind of sex sounds pretty close to horrendous. The whole point of sex is enjoying a mutual experience we're you're mutually committed to blowing each other's minds. Anything else is just masturbation with a lot of oddities in the middle. If he's not committed to my pleasure and climax, yuck. That sounds like fucking a toaster which you only do if you're Hunter S. Thompson. (Not to toaster shame anyone, you're all valid).

Thirdly, do you know how many positions there are where you're nearly 100% reliant on whatever he's doing to get you off with only slightly being able to control your hip movements a bit. Sure, you could be on top, but being on top is still relying on him not to blow his lid, so again, he's still responsible for my getting off. You really can't take the pressure off men in some sense.

Fourthly, saying you need more after he's gone and had his deed may be the most unsexy moment you can share as a couple even if you quite like each other a lot and have good communication. It's the same as saying everything he just did wasn't good enough with his penis and could he please rectify the situation since his magic moment wasn't for you. This may be true, it is entirely fair, and it is also unsurprising that men complain about this all the time and it makes them feel not good enough in bed. Because I also wouldn't feel good if everything I was getting off to did nothing or little to my partner and now they need a lot more stuff when they just want to bask in the glow of their good times. The only way this doesn't tend to happen is if he's committed to making you orgasm and generally before he does.

And no, I don't think it's being lazy to expect your partner to turn you on, foreplay for as long as you need, perform sexually, and get you to orgasm. Being as blunt as God made me, what the fuck else is a partner for if not those things (in a sex sense. Obviously, people have many other lovely none sexual qualities). It's not lazy unless you also aren't involved in the initiation, also aren't involved in foreplay for him as long as it takes for him to really get going, aren't also performing sexually, and aren't also committed to his orgasm. I get men and women are different and it takes more or less for us generally to get there, but for all that is good and holy about sex, I cannot see what else a partner is for if not all the elements of sex including orgasm. What the bloody heck are we sharing in if not those things? A bed?

And I think it's insane to expect a partner who has just gotten in bed with you to know things of course, but it isn't mind reading to watch anyone's reactions or ask about them and do what they're reacting well to. This is communication to. It's like only robotic communication is acceptable or else you're being lazy or expecting mind reading. I don't need words to know what my man likes almost ever. He's damn clear with just his body. And so am I. He's struggled a bit early on to figure out what my orgasm is like, but I suspect that's because the women in his past may have been faking it.

We're both responsible for both of us orgasming. He's not exempt and if he is, trust me, it's not going to lead to great sex. Great sex is someone who is committed to blowing your mind.

Stunning_Thing4208 · 2023-04-02T18:40:16+00:00

The pink haired fatties from twox are going to hate this one

LMM-GT02 · 2023-03-31T06:50:39+00:00

Every time I hit it from the back I’m doing a rundown of all the crown molding in the room to try and not bust.

And man sometimes I actually feel like I need a snorkel when going down.

That’s the effort I put in.

Environmental-Oil239 · 2023-03-31T14:18:04+00:00

your partner is attentive

I'd say this is buggest problem for most men in long -term relationships. Most women don't care.

Boxisteph · 2023-03-31T16:02:44+00:00

My partner is definitely responsible for my orgasm. That's like the basic use of having a man around.

I mean if I was responsible for my own why bother with a man at all?

KayRay1994 · 2023-03-31T12:47:48+00:00

i do ultimately agree with the idea of communication, let your partner know what is and isn’t working and how it could be done better - that being said, i hate the framing of it “we do all the work so we’re not expected to read your mind!” it comes off as very “i’m in it for myself, you should be in it for yourself too.”

Otjeho · 2023-03-31T07:46:01+00:00

The issue is that culturally women have been made to not take up as much space in the bedroom (and in life also) in comparison to men. Hence lots of them still struggle with this

No_Inside3130 · 2023-03-31T11:44:02+00:00

This. Rejecting this responsibility is the fallacy most women fall for.

Not that I have too much inside knowledge but from what I can observe it's that once women realize that to them orgasms don't come easy they feel bad and start to shift the blame elsewhere.

First it's just that there are no cute boys in her class, then the bad ONS wasn't attentive enough, then all ONS are doomed to fail anyway and orgasms only grow on the commited relationship tree. And finally when she is inside said relationship she has an unlimited supply of idiosyncrasies in her partner and happenstances which she can point to why this time she wasn't in the right mood. Or he should have just been more like this one ex in thar one specific way. After that she can come full circle and suddenly women aren't made for monogamy again.

It never occurs to her that there is always an unlimited supply of guys of all ages who would happily cater to her sexual fantasies, should she decide to explore that. Anyway that's not what she wants, a womans sexuality is just different you know? Yeah apparently it's the sexuality of a muppet

It can't ever be that she just don't like sex because the sex she has is 50÷ done by herself. More if you factor in that who she fucks isn't random. She would sooner admit that the conservatives were right all along and women just aren't build to enjoy sex.

Admitting to herself that she is playing the villain in her own story would either destroy her self image and brand her as frigid or imply that she has to change in a big way.

Guys do the same thing with the 80/20 rhetoric btw

womandatory · 2023-04-01T11:11:28+00:00

Yeah I read the whole thing. Anyone who believes the title as a statement should stick to masturbation. They don’t deserve a partner.

Katatonicsnake · 2023-03-31T08:44:21+00:00

The problem is that so many men are either insecure or porn sick, that asking for those means nothing. I’ve heard from my friends that the only time they’ve heard the “let’s just take care of our own orgasms” is when they have made a suggestion and the guy has felt uncomfortable. It’s not as easy as “just ask”, unfortunately.

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2023-03-31T13:32:56+00:00

And I’ll take responsibility for it by not sleeping with most men.

_here_ok · 2023-03-31T15:53:47+00:00

That depends. Like sometimes what causes one to orgasm isn't in their control. Some people need their partner to do certain things to reach orgasm and a partner might be incapable of doing that. What we are responsible for is not blaming our partners when we aren't sexually compatible.

People who complain about it just need to realize they aren't compatible with their partner. That is it, no need to ruin the partners reputation and ect. If you want your partner to spank you, and your partner doesn't like doing that. Then either you negotiate, find some way of mutual enjoyment or you acknowledge you are incompatible.

JumboJetz · 2023-03-31T16:22:37+00:00

Mostly agree but some men get mad if a woman brings out a vibrator or something during sex. The man is clearly wrong if that’s the case. In fact I think men should always ask if anything would make the sex feel better and even suggest if toys would.

metasekvoia · 2023-03-31T19:51:17+00:00

It's a lot simpler than that. Whoever is interested in repeating the experience, should put in effort to motivate the partner to participate. (Ideally both, of course.)

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MajesticMaple · 2023-03-31T10:42:53+00:00

Most people want to make their partner orgasm, and if that is something you want, you share the responsibility. Like anything if it's something you want, you hold some responsibility to make it happen. As a guy, you have to make her feel comfortable giving honest feed back, be willing to try new things and put in the effort. If you don't want to make her orgasm, I guess you don't have to do much, but idk why a woman would be with a guy like that. I do agree that if a woman wants to orgasm she holds some responsibility as well.

Asatmaya · 2023-03-31T11:00:19+00:00

BillyPilgrim75 · 2023-03-31T14:53:59+00:00

I'm male. I think we share responsibility for each other. But since men are typically easier to get there, the sharing is more important for women in most cases. Her responsibility then is to help me figure out how to help her, and mine is to be flexible and to listen.

IFuckingHateAllergy · 2023-03-31T17:36:53+00:00

RocinanteCoffee · 2023-03-31T22:16:39+00:00

Both people should be:

a) Communicating

b) Interested in helping each other to orgasm

For some of us it's very easy to orgasm. That doesn't mean we should waste time on someone who isn't interested in us having as good at time as they are. And it goes both ways. If you are with someone who doesn't show interest in your pleasure, leave the bedroom to never return.

SoldierExcelsior · 2023-04-01T01:14:08+00:00

I don't think most guys have a problem with this..any way I pay women to leave not have orgasms so I don't really care

DistrictGop · 2023-04-01T02:04:22+00:00

You just generalized 4 billion people and every single cultural institution in one paragraph

qunamax · 2023-04-01T03:09:52+00:00

Ok mom.

redback-spider · 2023-04-01T03:54:02+00:00

A guy that has some interest in the girl will not sit around and let her initiate, except he is very tired because he worked 12 hours in a day or something.

I don't like the spirit of this post demanding equality, when man and women are fundamentally different.

Women are less direkt in their communication that is of course a spectrum, but her natural instinct is on average to be less direct. Also it's a shittest to some degree if you know what you want and don't put her on a pedestal and give her the total onesided dictatorship in the bedroom, no you do things that you like and if she stays quite it's still ok for her (assuming a relationship not a scary 1st meeting situation).

Often Women don't even really know what they want, and they want to be socially supportive if they are still somewhat feminine, they don't like to be in the driver seat, partially literally many women like a man as driver for them.

If a women complains about you being bad at sex, there is probably no real attraction anymore a man don't have to do competitive sports in the bed room if the women likes him really much, Even if she can't come if she has so little respect to attack a man over that, she probably had a big grudge before the sex even happend, or never had any real attraction for the dude.

Mentathiel · 2023-04-01T08:25:04+00:00

Both people are responsible for their joint sex lives/experiences.

Sometimes, women aren't comfortable with speaking about their sexual wants and needs and what works for them because their partner is a jerk about it. They might act overconfident and take feedback as a personal attack, they might not care about pleasing her and refuse to follow up on anything they talk about, in general they may be creating an unsafe atmosphere around these conversations in many ways.

At the same time, many women may feel shame completely unrelated to what their partner is like. They may have baggage from family, religion, society, past relationships, etc. that makes it difficult to speak up. This is absolutely their own responsibility to recognize and work through. Many of these women would like mind-readers because they feel too ashamed to speak, but still have desires. This is not OK.

In general, everyone is responsible for themselves and their own wellbeing, yes, but there are definitely things that men do that make women feel more or less safe communicating about sex. And vice-versa.

2023-04-01T09:41:36+00:00

If a man doesn't leave you trembling and feeling like your soul left your body after a session then he isn't good at what he does. If that can't be delivered then women are better using a vibrator than fornicating with some guy, risking disease and other issues (srs).

lordy36 · 2023-04-02T01:12:03+00:00

Yes yes yes. I've always said this. And some experienced women I've spoken with agree. I dont care if the woman I'm fucking lays down and zones out like a dead fish, I'm gonna find a way to cum. She shoukd be able to do so as well. Spoke to several women who've told me they had to learn how to cum. It's as much internal as external

You are responsible for your orgasm. CMV

Similarly

Comments

Title	You are responsible for your orgasm. CMV
Author	Windmill_flowers
Upvotes	242
Comments	293
Date	March 31, 2023 3:56 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1279ey0/you_are_responsible_for_your_orgasm_cmv/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/you-are-responsible-for-your-orgasm-cmv.1207342 https://theredarchive.com/post/1207342