Why SHOULDN'T I treat marriage like a job?

MistyMaisel · 2023-10-10T18:25:13+00:00

I cannot imagine sex, raising children, or cuddling being treated like a job and being enjoyable. I cannot imagine wanting to share a life with someone who had the attitude of, "we're just doing our things and we only come together transactionally".

I'd rather just be alone and do everything by myself.

MaleficentSun3923 · 2023-10-10T18:19:01+00:00

Why not? Because it would never feel good at its emotional core.

You want to go home after work TO YOUR WORK?

Crazy, just crazy

Sure it's been done, arranged marriages function well with the woman staying at home and the man working 6 days a week.

But in western society? It's just weird

Lift_and_Lurk · 2023-10-10T17:22:07+00:00

My wife and I both treated our relationship like a partnership, two teammates working together. Now, after a growing family and responsibilities, and seeing a comedian describe it like this, we describe it like two partners working together on the smallest non profit organization ever!

Life can get hard: it’s nice to know you both are grinding it out together, rather than “keeping score” on who is doing more.

Trikger · 2023-10-10T22:39:31+00:00

Because, to be blunt, why bother even being alive at that point? A life that empty doesn't feel like a life at all.

Marriage isn't a job.

Marriage is work. Marriage is a lot of things, but it should never be a job.

The biggest reason why you shouldn't do this is because children are part of this transactional relationship. Children learn what love looks like from their parents. The way one parent bonds with the other will be the way the child instinctively expects their own romantic relationships to look like.

I'm only speculating, but I think there are two ways this can go for the child.

With the example of love being devoid of love, their psyche can become radically disorganized. I'd guess the child may either become asexual/aromantic... or they end up on the other far-end of the spectrum with hypersexuality and a tendency to chaotically jump from one relationship to the next.

Another reason not to do this is because it will weigh down everyone involved. Marriage and children require sacrifice. When the relationship is purely transactional, it is meant to always benefit both parties.

Sure, the chores and bills can be split, but this can't always be done 50/50. Even if you're both satisfied with the division, what if either of you loses your job? What if you both get amazing job offers at the other sides of the country? Will you go on vacations separately?

I simply can't see this working out in any way. Marriages can only work if you're willing to work as a team. It's not always 50/50, it's not always as beneficial to one as it is for the other, but time will balance these scales again.

When marriage becomes a job, anything less than 50/50 would quickly create a lot of contempt.

People are also social animals. Companionship is important and while I am absolutely against cheating, even I could understand it in a marriage that is built on a foundation of individualism. You'll quickly find yourself yearning for more; for laughter and smiles and intimacy. Not just sexual intimacy, but the concept as a whole. If it isn't you, it will be your partner.

A solely transactional marriage sounds like the least beneficial marriage I could probably think of. It sounds gray.

Not to mention, nobody is perfect. Even in healthy, loving relationships, your partner will still have times where they'll annoy the shit out of you. Maybe they pee on the toilet seat, fart a lot, chew with their mouth open... Imagining myself in a situation where I'd have to endure these things from a person I don't emotionally care about would definitely drive me insane.

If you feel like marriage is a job, don't get married. Stay single, be free and happy.

Safinated · 2023-10-10T17:23:17+00:00

Why not?

Well, the only real reason would be, “because I don’t want to”

Slipthe · 2023-10-10T17:24:16+00:00

You may still feel lonely and unsatisfied. You'll definitely get a strong sense of feeling like you missed out on other potential REAL emotional connections. The sex probably isn't that good if there's no emotional connection.

And at that point why even be in a monogamous relationship if you have zero emotional connection AND don't have a good sex life? Might as well just make it an open relationship, but then you might actually fall in love with someone...

No_Yogurt_4602 · 2023-10-10T23:11:05+00:00

Why even bother getting married at that point?

wtknight · 2023-10-10T19:45:37+00:00

Are there reasons to NOT do this?

That sounds like a miserable marriage. People should at least be getting married to people whom they are friends with.

literaryhogwartian · 2023-10-10T20:17:14+00:00

Because it sounds bloody miserable. Life is hard enough without having love and affection.

sine120 · 2023-10-10T17:18:46+00:00

The two approaches are not necessarily exclusive. Historically marriages were largely considered a business contract. It was a framework to raise a stable family and grow wealth, and imo a good marriage still has the participants aiming for this goal, but this does not exclude you from finding someone you like to marry.

towerofcheeeeza · 2023-10-10T18:44:08+00:00

I mean you do you, but this sounds awful to me. Motivating myself for work every day is hard enough but if my relationship becomes work #2 when will I ever get a break? I'm an introvert. I don't want to force myself to be with people (including friends) who I don't really enjoy being with. Even with friends I can get tired sometimes.

My partner is my reprieve from everything and everyone else. He's my oasis in the desert. And together we survive everything else life gives us.

noafrochamplusamurai · 2023-10-10T19:04:46+00:00

Why not? Because you're either going to grow resentful of your partner, and divorce them. Or, you're to look for that emotional fulfillment outside of your marriage, and have a string of affairs that might ruin your family. I don't think you're looking for that kind of life situation.

You're describing vulnerability, it sucks because you get hurt, but vulnerability is the only pathway to finding the loving relationship that you want. One should never settle, the thing you're looking for is out there, it just takes patience to find it.

Here's the alternative: If you don't mind settling, marry a guy that's into cuckold relationships. You can have your cake, pie,ice cream,donut, and eat it too.

Stay toxic Queenz

Common_Letterhead423 · 2023-10-10T19:27:59+00:00

Sure, but don't lie to the guy you'll marry , or you'll destroy both of your lives, together with those of your children.

Let him know from the very beginning what you are bringing to the table, which is not much.

I guess that as long as you respect him, you choose put him first and you follow him, then a guy could actually be ok with such a deal

Valuable-Marzipan761 · 2023-10-10T21:05:08+00:00

Eventually one of you would meet someone you actually like, ruining the arrangement.

DerayRevan · 2023-10-10T17:23:13+00:00

Who's saying you can't ?

Friedrich_Friedson · 2023-10-10T17:25:48+00:00

Then why tf being in a relationship? You can do all that crap yourself, hell even get your friends as roommates

Also,expressing feelings and initiating aren't mistakes lmao

Perfect-Resist5478 · 2023-10-10T17:43:27+00:00

Do you really want to be financially and legally tied to someone, raise kids with someone, that you don’t actually like?

Zabadoodude · 2023-10-10T17:55:44+00:00

we don't need to worry about actually liking each other

Sounds pretty miserable to be honest.

Do you see having responsibilies in a relationship as "a job"?

Long term relationships, take some work, but the whole thing shouldn't be work

grillopie · 2023-10-10T17:35:21+00:00

Its perfectly reasonable to consider a business element to marriage but imo a purely transactional view is a mistake. Even on the pragmatic, materials and services side, its not a transactional relationship. Its a partnership. Not unlike an accounting or law firm. Its not an exactly equivalent exchange as both people do what theyre best at. Dont sweat the details.

One thing i would say is you should like each other. That makes everything else way easier.

SianOiseau · 2023-10-10T17:42:37+00:00

It seems as a miserable way to lead your life. On a practical level I think it isn't conductive to have relationship that feels like a job more often than not. There will be rough times, you will both have sleep deprivation with a newborn, someone will get sick, sometimes you or he will have to take a slack or support each other etc. If you're totally dispassionate about your partner and don't enjoy their company even at the best of time, what are you going to do during the low periods?

Also...how can you have sex without liking your partner? I might be naïve, but even the thought of kissing a person I don't like makes me recoil in disgust. Have you ever lived with a roommate who you were at first neutral about, but living together made you dislike each other? Imagine having to raise kids with them and having "duty sex" with them.

Overall marriage requires the level of commitment, involving emotional commitment. At some point purely practically it might be more beneficial for you or for your spouse to divorce. Whether because one of you becomes sick or loses their job. What stops people from immediately leaving for a "better option" on paper or just out of convenience is commitment, love, genuinely enjoying their partner's company and valuing things beyond "tit for tat".

PMmeareasontolive · 2023-10-10T18:21:51+00:00

Is part of the job to treat your partner well? Would you tell them how you viewed them?

Ethics would probably dictate that you treat your partner as an end in themselves, rather than as a means to an end (for yourself). That doesn't necessarily preclude this kind of business arrangement, but it probably would require full disclosure on the part of both parties (or at least it would require that you not misrepresent what you were offering).

TroidMemer · 2023-10-10T18:52:49+00:00

I mean if you want a purely financial marriage like how they had in the Middle Ages then I can’t see anything wrong with that.

Just make sure your partner also agrees to it being non-romantic so that it doesn’t become a one-sided mess.

No-Calligrapher-3630 · 2023-10-10T19:21:01+00:00

If you want to you can. Just make sure the person you are with is also happy with that.

MxMaster9907 · 2023-10-10T19:26:28+00:00

If you believe your relationship is or should be transactional like that, the yeah why not

Mushroom_movies · 2023-10-10T20:51:29+00:00

Like in 1984, where life was basically that, your spouse was there to literally just to have sex on a schedule for the sake of having kids, raising said kids, cleaning up, working, and repeating every day. No true emotional privacy or bonds forming, just living life out dutifully together. I mean obviously that’s more extreme with the constant surveillance and dystopian society aspects lol but still

orangecloverbud · 2023-10-10T22:39:42+00:00

Its called an arranged marriage, feel free to take part in one.

mmahomm · 2023-10-10T23:25:45+00:00

Oddly, romantic marriage is a new human invention, throughout civilizations and since the documentation of pairs' decision to have sex, marriage has always been a job, a task to be done within life.

The idea of love is so deeply instilled in us that we can not imagine a life without it, im all for the love but we also have to acknowledge the fact that not always and for the longer part of the documentation of human life as we know it, marriage has not been out of love but out of responsibility and natural tendencies, tho i believe love, too is a natural act, as if it wasnt, it couldn't progress so much in so little time to leave no room to imagine world without it.

mrastml · 2023-10-10T17:53:20+00:00

Because that's really sad and essentially admitting that you have to settle because you can't find someone you actually like

arkhamnaut · 2023-10-10T18:08:50+00:00

I agree, but everyone might have a different idea of the job description and requirements, so to speak. But this seems like a good way to at least approach dating

mrs_seng · 2023-10-10T18:50:26+00:00

I think this is wrong and a sure path to divorce.

I just couldn't be in a relationship without the emotional connection.

My husband and i are not just husband and wife. We are also lovers, confidents, consiliere, friends. We provide advice to each other, support, care in case of diseases. We complement each other just like pieces of a puzzle.

It's a very deep connection.

Imagine a marriage without pillow talk. It would be just a hollow shell.

raldabos · 2023-10-10T19:02:12+00:00

Because it's absolutely awful to reduce a complex human relationship with another person with a job, it's the same as guys who wants a girl with a big ass.

But you're free to do whatever you want.

Novel-Tip-7570 · 2023-10-10T18:09:03+00:00

It's not a job but it is a duty (traditionally). Many people forget this nowadays.

purpledaggers · 2023-10-10T19:10:59+00:00

Whats your daily cuddle tax?

Ok_Smile_60 · 2023-10-10T17:30:03+00:00

Divorce?

waffleznstuff30 · 2023-10-10T19:40:55+00:00

Why would you want to be with someone who it feels like a job with? I know it's tempting to NOT be alone but like you're going to feel so exhausted mentally trying to justify why you are with someone. Do not do it.

It should be someone you want to be with so these things aren't a chore.

Puzzleheaded_Card_71 · 2023-10-10T21:31:33+00:00

It’s how most marriages used to be and I think if you did that the affection and love would slowly bloom if you are both good to each other. People are quick today to trust in initial feelings when enduring relationships are built on enduring actions, not feelings.

peteryansexypotato · 2023-10-11T09:04:54+00:00

I'm with you except that as a guy, I treat the emotional stuff as a job. Treating you with respect, listening to you, keeping my eyes and heart solely for you, prioritizing you .... all of these types of things = job. You can be the hottest, most interesting woman in the world; there will still come a time when you turn into a job. That's why I wouldn't mind if you got too clingy. It's just another detail in my chosen profession.

Sex is the only thing that won't turn into a job.

The funny thing is that underneath all this ennui, I probably love you deeply. I just don't have access to that love every day. I hardly even care about it. Unless it's gone, then it's the only thing that matters.

It took me a long time to learn this, but this is what commitment feels and looks like to me. Guys who have been in long term relationships, am I wrong?

2023-10-10T20:22:58+00:00

This is how you are suppsoed to do it.

AutoModerator · 2023-10-10T17:13:41+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2023-10-10T20:35:16+00:00

If you can be satisfied with children and you can sacrifice relationship, then you can do it. But find someone who is on the same page. Then you can be like business partners for raising children and friends. It should be a good person that you also can at least on some level enjoy spending time with as friends.

But don't pretend you love him, don't lie. If you want to do it, be honest and find someone who wants the same.

And only do it if you do it to have children. If you can find satisfaction and happiness in children and you don't need romantic fullfillment.

I'm saying this as childfree woman who would never settle. I need romantic fullfillment. But I can understand why would someone do that if they really desire to have children and for some reason don't want to be a single mother.

Reason not to is that you don't get relationship / romantic fullfillment. And you are taking a chance for love away from that person and also yourself. So only if you both know and accept it's a "business deal" to have children.

CryptoThroway8205 · 2023-10-10T21:12:19+00:00

You can try. Plenty of people try FWB but then someone or both catch feels. Literally the storyline of the movie by the name FWB. Hormones are powerful and people tend to fall in love with people they have sex with. One of the big rules of mens travel groups is not to fall in love with a hooker because it happens so often.

namey_9 · 2023-10-10T23:43:11+00:00

I think this can work for some people. Marriages can be purely transactional, or political, or financial, or pretty much whatever the consenting parties want it to be.

63daddy · 2023-10-11T01:00:31+00:00

A job is doing something that’s a value to someone (s) else and being compensated for the value you bring them.

If your primary motivation to be married is to be provided for, then it makes sense to look at it much like a job.

ComfortableOk5003 · 2023-10-11T04:55:09+00:00

Expressing feelings first and initiating are not mistakes LOL

FineDevelopment00 · 2023-10-11T07:15:07+00:00

Are there reasons to NOT do this?

Would you really feel fulfilled in a relationship like that? And what about the other person; would that really be fair to him even if you're upfront about it? And the children, is something so dehumanizing and soulless really the example you want to set for them (and by extension imply that that is what they should expect for themselves someday if they opt for marriage) of how men and women should treat each other? Be honest with yourself in answering all of these questions.

BoomTheBear86 · 2023-10-11T09:28:37+00:00

I think this is a big miscalculation.

It’s commonly stereotyped that men want sex and sex alone. It’s not true.

The biggest thing men get from relationships with women is emotional intimacy, because they don’t tend to get it anywhere else. Sex can be a form of emotional intimacy or product of it.

You only need to look at subs like deadbedrooms to see this. It isn’t just lack of sex men grieve, it is the sense their partner is actually into them, actually desires them, wants them, wants to be with them. That’s the stuff men like. Someone showing them you’re important to me because of you as a person. That’s the thing men take out because everywhere else, many conditions of worth are placed on men (professional level, wealth, strength) so the relationship is one place where their individual personage earns them likability and desire and that’s the goldust. Men want to feel desired for who they are, not what they are. If you see a happily married straight man you can bet that women he is with does things to make him feel desired and good about himself as a person that seem organic.

I don’t think your job approach can capture this. It will be too artificial. Too calculated.

Disclaimer; not saying women don’t value the same, obviously as a man I can’t speak for women on this. But my experience has at least taught me that that emotional intimacy, that “show desire for the person” seems to work just as well for women from my perspective.

Yomzie_hun · 2023-10-11T10:01:41+00:00

That is a dead marriage

abaxeron · 2023-10-11T10:22:57+00:00

Are there reasons to NOT do this?

Do whatever. Worked like a charm for women throughout the last century.

Especially if "expressing your feelings", "initiating", and "being in love" you classify as "mistakes".

kvakerok · 2023-10-11T11:02:36+00:00

Expressing my feelings first, initiating, being too in love

Uh, these are fantastic things to do. With the right guy. You're failing at mate selection.

Zevemty · 2023-10-11T11:08:18+00:00

I personally feel I've made a lot of dating mistakes as a woman, that have not worked in my favour. Expressing my feelings first, initiating

How have initiating and expressing your feelings first been mistakes for you? Women doing this generally do very well in dating.

Maelas84 · 2023-10-11T13:21:31+00:00

As long as you and your partner agree with this, then no theres nothing wrong.

dont go years into a relationship/marriage with a person who loves her and spring this on them..what you are asking wont be possible then.

Loveenglishpeople · 2023-10-11T14:05:42+00:00

You need to come home everyday to someone you like being with. Who brings yoy or peace and comfort.

Or life becomes to hard

Title	Why SHOULDN'T I treat marriage like a job?
Author	olluie
Upvotes	18
Comments	100
Date	October 10, 2023 5:13 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/174qiel/why_shouldnt_i_treat_marriage_like_a_job/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-shouldnt-i-treat-marriage-like-a-job.1234675 https://theredarchive.com/post/1234675

Comments