I spend a lot of time reflecting most days. Mediation isn't happening until middle of November. We've been separated for over a year. The attorney needs additional funds. You know, the usual. I made a post a few days ago about my wife wanting to reconcile, and if I'm honest, I really tried to play out what it would look like. How would I forgive these things? How would I move on? I sat down with her and laid things out on the table. Firstly, no matter what happens, we still divorce and finalize things. I have to protect myself. Period. Secondly, if there were EVER a reconsideration, we'd be starting from scratch and I felt I'd need to see her in therapy, sober, and respectfully find a group of less shitty friends. I know the friend group rubs her the wrong way, but you guys know the ones that I'm talking about. The ones that talk shit about everyone and each other behind each others back, that spend their time at the local pubs and don't really give a shit about anything about whose getting their next drink. The ones that, as my wife got closer with, helped to push me farther away. Except now one thinks she should fix things because she's trying to fix things with her husband, and I'm "cute and make a lot of money"

Anyhow, that wasn't received well and now we're not on talking terms. It is what it is. She goes back to claiming I'm too controlling. If thats the case, why fix things? Was i jealous of certain people? For sure. Did I want to push her to become a better version of herself? Absolutely. Was I controlling? I don't think so. I think I did everything I could to provide, sure I had my issues.

She claims I just want her to stay under my nose and stuck at the house all time. That was never the case, when our son arrived I encouraged her to spend her maternity time at home and if she opted, to take care of him or start schooling. This is because she took maybe ~2 weeks off when my daughter was born (I adopted her) before she went back to work. I wanted her to be able to experience motherhood. I wanted to pay for her school to find out what interested her. Hell, I didn't care if it was basket weaving. I just felt like there was more potential there.

Anyhow, as I'm sitting here watching my kids play outside before it gets too dark I've come to realize I've never quite been able to tell her no. She's the only woman I could never tell no. All the others, I never had a problem telling. With her, I'm not sure what it is.

I'm about to fix another coffee (I know it's late) and scroll for awhile before the main card of UFC tonight. Looking forward to Pereira fighting.

What have you learned about yourself and in general during and post divorce?