Wife “wants us to be great co-parents” but she is asking for it ALL…

SnooJokes6414 · 2024-12-15T03:04:02+00:00

I’ve been a California licensed attorney for 27 years. In defending a client once, I got some ridiculous demand letter from opposing counsel. It was a lot like yours, but as I read it, all I could think was, “Does she think we’re stupid or something?” It was beyond laughable demands, past annoying and straight into infuriating. My client was upset and you could see the stress in his face as he handed me the wife’s demand letter.

After I read it, and watched my client freak out, I told him, “Watch this!” I called out to my secretary and she came in. I asked her if we have that program where she can scan a document and make changes to the words on it, and she said we do.

“Can you please take this letter, scan it, and everywhere where our client is mentioned, put his ex-wife’s name in there, and everywhere where she is on there, sub in our client. Put it on firm letterhead, and make it from me, Then send it out to her attorneys, please.” My secretary caught on and started laughing.

My client gasped, told me that was so mean, then said, “You can’t do that, can you?”

Oh heck yeah I can and did do it, and fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.

Wifey-love must have realized how ridiculous she sounded because I didn’t hear back from her lawyers about her demands.

Emotional_Lettuce251 · 2024-12-14T07:14:53+00:00

Any advice on how to proceed or what I can do to make her realize this isn’t the right route to take this situation?

Yes.

STOP TALKING TO HER!

She is now your enemy. She is not on your side. She does not give a shit about you.

Let you attorney do their job.

IAIM2023 · 2024-12-13T04:33:51+00:00

Her making 4x is an advantage for you. Get a lawyer and build a strategy. Be persistent, solemn and don’t humor her shenanigans. Someone in the sub said counter sue. That sounds about right.

Bluetoes1 · 2024-12-13T02:41:42+00:00

Get a lawyer and counter with all the same things she is requesting. Don’t ask for 50/50, go for primary

conker574 · 2024-12-12T18:36:30+00:00

Lawyer up now

FactLeading8378 · 2024-12-12T17:22:43+00:00

Hey that's exactly what happened to me! She would bitch and moan about me not co-parenting, but then try to get me arrested and try to take everything I own. Women, dude.

qmriis · 2024-12-12T17:08:17+00:00

Reading these horror stories I'm so happy for my wife.

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2024-12-12T17:07:04+00:00

She can ask for whatever she wants.

Go to court. 50/50 is standard unless you are in a hick state, and she will pay you alimony and child support based off the state calculators. You won't even need a lawyer unless you are in a hick state.

Burned_Out_Paradise · 2024-12-12T16:03:24+00:00

Go to trial! Fight her dude! Based off what you’re saying, most states will give you more than what she’s offering. You’re the man of course, so there’s always a chance you’ll get less… but fight her demands.

Unusual_University14 · 2024-12-12T14:55:15+00:00

First, you say "temp orders"... is that her proposal, or something signed on by a judge... if it's actually signed paper, you are going to have to fight the status quo, and that's a tough fight.

I would say TO YOURSELF "And I want a 16 inch dick that spins", and then verbally reiterate your offer as is. YOU cannot make her realize anything. SHE has to realize it. Her thought process and conclusions are not your problem. If you want the mercenary follow up, you say this is my offer, I'm content to fight for it at trial. That means instead of the money going to the kids, it goes to lawyers. Choose whatever you want, but what you choose tells me about how sincere your desire to coparent is. And then never discuss again.

Tactically, most jurisdictions want you to do mediation before a trial so its a box to check. But it takes two to choose peace and settle... but only one to choose war. If what she wants is unreasonable to you, then there is nothing you can do except wait for the trial. Minimize the back and forth between lawyers and keep all the pretrial shit to a minimum.

That last sentence is important. In a case, there is lots of bullshit. Most of which doesn't need to be responded to, at least not by your lawyer. Document shit and don't run to court every week for minor violations. Just keep a file of your compliance and her compliance and when an expert asks, give them the file. Make it EASY for your lawyer, don't make them wade through 1000 pages when they only need 3. Don't sweat the small shit, focus on the things that really matter... what will you kids remember 10-20 years from now type stuff.

My legal bill so far (I'm post decree but basically in court every month still) is $90,000. My ex spent over $200,000, probably 250-300. That's because I waded through all her evidence and made the response easy for my lawyer (versus my lawyer doing it and spending time). You'll want to punch back. Don't.

One very important thing... "the deal" where you live is "the deal". Dad's NEVER win more. Mothers can only lose it. It sucks, but it's like gravity... it is what it is. So unless your ex abuses the kids, if you're in a Dads get 25% time state, a trial may never get you to 50/50. And when BOTH parents are combative, it defaults to mom. If Mom is clogged in the docket with bullshit... eventually that can be a recipe to losing time.

Bear in mind, what your trial will end up with will look something like this depending on where you live: https://www.custodyxchange.com/topics/research/dads-custody-time-by-state.php

That means likely you WILL get child support, no court gives mom unilateral right to move anywhere no questions asked, and for the higher earning parent not to pay health insurance. Life insurance for child support is typical.

So your trial approach is, for whatever state you are in, "this is the deal"... if you're in a state where it's less than 50/50, you're still due child support... in a negotiation, there is a give and a take. At trial, there is just "the deal".

krazykanuck · 2024-12-12T14:50:41+00:00

Bud, this is hard lesson to learn; don't listen to what people say, pay attention to what they do. This is ESPECIALLY the case when dealing with someone who has no benefit to being truthful to you. Respond to the actions, not the words. Don't let her confuse you. This one of the reasons people grey rock.

DetroiterInTX · 2024-12-12T13:58:54+00:00

She wants to be great coparents as long as you agree with everything she wants.

Good luck with the process!

RespectInevitable479 · 2024-12-12T13:31:10+00:00

Don’t agree to that. If she makes 4x as much make sure you get 50% if everything. She can afford to buy you out of the house. Go to trial. Clearly mediation isn’t working.

leaving4me · 2024-12-12T13:06:32+00:00

I'm in a similar position as you. We've been separated for 5 years. I've spent 2 years of that trying to negotiate a dissolution while offering her far more than 50% of everything other than custody. I even offered an amount of CS just to make this go away. She wouldn't agree to anything yet just kept saying we can come to an agreement while slow playing me. My attorney advised to just file at the start, but I tried to play the game. My attorney was right. I filed after several warnings to my EX and a final attempt at an agreement. So here we are with my EX being a bigger asshole than I've ever seen her be to the point of contradicting herself in her filings because she is so pissed she is losing control and my attorney is happily and vigorously pursuing a "we aren't giving any discounts on anything" plan of action as a result. Even if my ex were to win a greater than 50-50 share of custody and accompanying CS she is going to lose the financial battle in a very major way compared to anything I was offering prior to filing and I will go to the bitter end to make sure of that. I will gain/retain far more even after legal fees. Overall she is a good mother, but she is a shitty person otherwise and an enemy who cannot be trusted in every other sense. My advice is you take a similar route. Go on the offensive and do not settle for anything less than what you are entitled to in your state if for no other reason that it's what she would do to you if given the chance.

Feisty_Elderberry_96 · 2024-12-12T12:33:15+00:00

This is basically the infamous, "I love you, but dont love you like that anymore."

She wants all the benefits of marriage - everything you did - without being married.

She is showing you exactly what she wants. If she wanted to be amicable, peaceful, etc she would have gone to mediation. She did not. She filed for divorce. She is NOT your wife. From now on act like this is a business transaction and nothing more.

You should be entitled to child support and alimony. Make sure you countrr file for both, file to be primary parent, etc. You need to fight. Start now.

yes2matt · 2024-12-12T12:25:32+00:00

With everything you have/keep, you can choose to be generous. With everything you are forced to "give" you will feel resentment. Especially if it is beyond fairness. So fight like a champ for keeping/saving everything for you, in view of having what you need in order to be generous.

ballzdeepinbacon · 2024-12-12T09:49:47+00:00

My ex used coparent as words that meant to her that things continued as they had been when she and I were together - she ran with things. What it actually meant was I got to have an equal say and when I started to do that she quickly retreated and tried to use it against me. Luckily it was seen right through and when it came to the legal stuff I tried to do it amicably but she went to lawyers when she thought I was being unfair - turns out even after lawyers fees I’m still ahead of what my offer was, that’s how generous I was being. I still get occasional “anonymous tip” CPS visits. Each one is determined unfounded.

soontobesolo · 2024-12-12T09:44:46+00:00

Fight like hell. She has a lot to lose. You've got this.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/s/rrwFLGFOyI

Sea_Emu_4259 · 2024-12-12T09:01:34+00:00

Ask for Alimony & Child support nothing less; it is your righ. Do NOT ABANDON that right. She would have asked if this was reversed. For allt the men out there paying it, do it in their name
Child-Centered Mediator: suggest involving one who specializes in child custody issues. If she refuses, that refusal can work against her in the eyes of the court
Document everything! Keep a thorough record of everything: as time passes, the details of events can become overwhelming. A simple online Google sheet with dates, event names, and details can be sufficient. If you're more prolix an, consider keeping a diary . Scan eveything relevant & upload it. It's likely that your adult or teenage children will eventually want to understand the circumstances surrounding your divorce. Having a documented account will serve as a truthful reference point, providing them with your perspective, facts, and a clear understanding of what transpired. In contrast,her memories will become hazy over time, leading her to fill in the gaps with inaccuracies or lies that favor her story. Your meticulous documentation will ultimately work in your favor
Stay in the house until the end bc of those reasons
Ask for 50/50 child custody: TIME with love one is one resource that can never be bought back. As people reflect on their lives in their final moments, the common regret expressed is: 'I wish I had loved more and worked less.' Don't be that regretful guy !
More advices here: protect your house, communication strategy,

upvotersfortruth · 2024-12-12T08:53:57+00:00

Appeasment never works. Your strategy is one of weakness and will get you devoured. She rejected peace and carrots, so she gets the stick until she's the one asking for mediation. Go toe to toe with her and hope to god your lawyer has strong litigation experience and skills, not just some marshmallow. She is taking the right route and she doesn't give a fuck whether she ever speaks to you again. What nonsense are you even saying? It's about money and winning, especially if she's a high performing business person.

Open your eyes and stop buying her words, look at her actions. She literally does not give a fuck about being a good coparent or having a relationship with you in the future. She probably thinks you're weak and she'll still have you at her beck and call after bending you over in the divorce. Is she right?

EDIT: And 100% expect wild allegations and restraining orders when you begin standing up for yourself. Be careful and be smart. She has a lot of resources to throw at this and she does NOT want to be writing you checks, you can bank on the fact she will do almost anything to avoid that unless and until the judge orders her to do so.

FUMoney · 2024-12-12T07:58:41+00:00

Fight. And never trust a word this female says. She is now your opponent, and nothing more.

Reflog1791 · 2024-12-12T07:15:00+00:00

Operate with strength and conviction, not fear. She can bully you around for a minute but if you don’t fold that final decree will have you smelling like roses.

Don’t fold.

Sea_Employment4100 · 2024-12-12T06:51:13+00:00

Im in the exact same situation. It is all about control and what you are seeing is a facade. Don’t fall for it and don’t believe anything she says about wanting to be “great” coparents.

Why did your relationship come to an end?

Fight like hell to get 50/50, and then go for child support.

EconomistVisible2767 · 2024-12-12T06:45:01+00:00

If she makes 4x more than you, she's much much more at risk with temp orders than you. Have you asked your lawyer what to expect from a hearing?

Talk to your lawyer about requesting she pay your legal fees, temporary spousal support, temporary child support, and a much more reasonable custody order.

Pacifism didn't work for me. I tried. I think I looked like a gazelle in all honesty.

deuceice · 2024-12-12T06:24:40+00:00

She doesn't want to be great co parents. She wants control and for her image to remain as the shero/ victim.

ABBucsfan · 2024-12-12T06:05:31+00:00

To this very day I was thr unreasonable one in her mind. She was so generous. She was willing to let me visit them basically anytime I wanted, just wanted to have primary custody on paper and on paper if be an every other weekend dad. According to her she was so generous I could have lived in the basement if I hadn't been greedy and hired a lawyer. Should have went with her flat rate divorce person, lived into the basement for a while... Of course she also under her flat rate person was expecting not to give me anything in return for keeping the fully paid house (rich mom of hers partially) other than my retirement and was trying to get alimony on top. Reality is once we lawyered up (one she fired right away, another a while later) the third lawyer she had quickly countered our offer in mediation with a figure a bit higher than I told her day 1 in our kitchen. But I was apparently greedy and then she fired that lawyer.

But yeah they come across acting like they want to be all amicable and try to make you let your guard down. It's all bs

Long-Review-1861 · 2024-12-12T06:00:57+00:00

Ask for child support, go for the throat as she is doing

willowtrees_r_us · 2024-12-12T05:54:01+00:00

She should be dead to you after that selfish request.

Aggravating-Pear-769 · 2024-12-12T05:39:43+00:00

Remember that the general play is to ask for the moon in the petition. My attorney warned me to not even read the petition because it just angers you and it really doesnt mean much. Of course I read it and of course I was pissed off.

henrysmyagent · 2024-12-12T05:13:36+00:00

Ask your attorney to copy the demands in her petition, word for word, and fight like hell on every point.

When a woman says she "wants to remain friends" or "wants us to be great co-patents" the unspoken primary condition is that you bend over and take it up the wazoo on every single one of her demands.

She is not your wife anymore. She is not your friend anymore. All she is now is your opponent in an expensive lawsuit and custody battle.

Deal with your ex-wife as you would a venomous snake or Hitler with shower curtains.

baseballdude9677 · 2024-12-12T05:13:14+00:00

first off stop calling her your wife. shes your ex and or anything else you want to call her but that.

Title	Wife “wants us to be great co-parents” but she is asking for it ALL…
Author	LionAR1999
Upvotes	29
Comments	51
Date	December 12, 2024 5:04 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1hcdqn1/wife_wants_us_to_be_great_coparents_but_she_is/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/wife-wants-us-to-be-great-co-parents-but-she-is.1538287 https://theredarchive.com/post/1538287

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