What do you think of men/women gaining weight after marriage.

Raiil · 2018-06-11T23:05:31+00:00

I think there's two different things at play, here.

It's not surprising her husband lost interest after such a massive weight gain.
Cheating is a shitty thing to do.

130 pounds is a lot, and if my partner was starting to get heavier, I'd want them to go to the doctor and a therapist. Shit happens, life after baby happens, they probably need professional help. Maybe they're emotional eaters and could benefit from some psych help to curb that- from my perspective, I want a good, long life with my spouse and that's hard if spouse is unhealthy AF. Maybe there's a physical issue at play that needs to be looked at. Maybe they just feel overwhelmed and aren't paying attention to their diet at all and we need to sit down with an outside perspective to see what we can do to get life back on track. If they refuse or get shitty, then you start looking at different routes.

Cheating is still a shitty thing to do. If having a partner be at a certain weight is your thing, then partner should be aware of it and you have to decide if it's worth it. Preferences are fair. But if the expectation is monogamy or breakup, then breakup. Rip the bandage off and get it over with. Don't go around and stick your dick/spread your legs and act like you're still owed the benefits of marriage.

Leeeee3roy · 2018-06-11T20:00:52+00:00

There is absolutely no way i'd stay with my wife if she gained 130 pounds. Or even half that.

It's the equivalent of a guy just saying "fuck it, i''m living off food stamps for the coming years"

LSTW1234 · 2018-06-11T19:42:56+00:00

Yes it’s fair to expect him to remain faithful, though it’s not fair to expect him to remain attracted to her. What bugs me is that he didn’t even bring it up to her until she caught him cheating?!
No, gaining weight is not breaking any marriage vows. Cheating is breaking marriage vows...

quicklogaccount · 2018-06-11T19:35:25+00:00

Why does reddit always coddle women so hard?

It's not reddit, and it's not just women. We coddle everyone really hard unless doing it comes at the expense of someone we want to coddle harder, and on some other circumstances in which we dislike a person, class or gender.
Any descriptions of personal pain is seen with sympathy for starters. We abhor seeing people or things in pain or distress, we dislike it so much the most precise description of how much we value life is by its capacity to express pain. How much we value life is NOT my personal answer for "how much is life worth?"

Is it really fair to expect him to remain faithful?

Technically yes. His fair choices are to keep or to end the marriage, not to cheat to have his needs/desires met by someone else.
He doesn't get to talk to her and ask her whether she prefers him to date other women or to terminate the marriage.

Do you agree that gaining 130 pounds is basically turning your back on your marriage vows?

Depends on the vows? I guess the standard ones cover it in the "in sickness and in health" bit.
They're remains of a long gone era though. The new understanding isn't settled yet but it either allows women or both men and women to terminate the marriage under such circumstances, just as long as you don't overtly state them.

Wandos7 · 2018-06-11T20:39:59+00:00

I don't know. I don't find this amount of weight gain acceptable and I also don't find him cheating acceptable. He should have just divorced her before cheating.
See #1. There's nothing in the marriage vow that says you must remain physically attractive unless you put it in there.

That being said, 130lbs is way too much weight to gain and expect everyone to be okay with. That's more than my total weight. However, I have read posts where the husband will start issuing ultimatums for under 15lbs. That's when I find it ridiculous.

DebatePony · 2018-06-11T20:08:56+00:00

Yes it is fair to expect him to remain faithful, because that's how marriage works.
I don't agree that it's turning your back on your marriage vows, but it's hugely unhealthy and unattractive. I'm glad she's taking steps to get healthy again. Hope she can maintain it this time.

ElbowStrike · 2018-06-11T23:59:12+00:00

Oh, okay, cool, by their rules I guess this means after I get married I can take up smoking, drinking, some drugs, and a gambling habit that constantly puts us under financial strain and she just has to deal with it "because monogamy"?

Reddit's reasoning sometimes, I swear.

GridReXX · 2018-06-11T22:32:43+00:00

Hmmmmmm.

This is a slippery slope.

If I stop finding my husband attractive because he's gotten more "beta" am I within my right to start becoming active on Tinder?

If you agree to this, then sure I agree to your siding with the husband in this situation.

2018-06-11T20:43:06+00:00

It sounds like at her thinnest she was not exactly thin. I think these two likely married each other because nobody else paid them any attenion, I get the vibe he is not hot shit either chances are he is overweight as well just not as bad as her which is why he picked her. He wanted somebody who made him feel superior then she gained even more weight and he got grossed out. Instead of being honest with her and telling her the weight was a problem he did some sneaky bullshit that he knew he would get caught at so he could tell her the truth.She should have done more self care he is a cowardly fuck. The marriage from here on in is completely doomed so they might as well split.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2018-06-11T19:29:19+00:00

Which of the vows does it break?

The real problem evident in this post is that she was a naturally obese girl who was keeping herself marginally slim by the skin of her teeth. She was unable to continue maintaining it after she achieved marriage. This is what happens with a lot of women. Any man who is worried about this should never marry a woman who had a weight problem her whole life

quicklogaccount · 2018-06-11T19:36:01+00:00

Honestly? My main thought is Americans are disgusting and have no self control whatsoever. You don't see this elsewhere

daveofmars · 2018-06-11T20:01:19+00:00

I met my wife 10 years ago. I'm still 140 and she's still 145.

A little weight gain happens in life but becoming obese basically means don't love your spouse or love yourself. You've stopped caring, or you have mental issues that you need to work out.

This lady shouldn't be surprised that something like this would happen. No one gains 130 pounds in a weekend. She had to have known. If it takes her man cheating for her to wake up then that's what it takes.

I'm not saying that her being fat excuses his cheating, but if the rolls (heh) were reversed then I have no doubt that reddit would be excusing her cheating because "he pushed her away" or "he stopped caring" or "she couldn't love him physically anymore". It's always something.

So in this case, I'm siding with the guy.

BirdManBrrrr · 2018-06-11T20:38:00+00:00

Why does reddit always coddle women so hard?

Because Reddit and society at large coddle women. Love yourself! Healthy At Any Size! Get rid of those oppressive beauty standards! Bones are for dogs, real men like curves!

[edit] Notice how often these platitudes are directed solely at women, by women. No such body positivity is directed at men, by men or women alike.

The further left you go in the media the more absurd the entire show becomes: Women are victims of circumstance and what happens to them--including obesity--is not their fault. Someone else (patriarchy, capitalism, men, society) made them that way. It's always someone else's fault, a woman doesn't have to take responsibility for her actions, and in this case, what she shoves in her mouth day after day. The attitude is pervasive and its not surprising Reddit follows suit.

Do you agree that gaining 130 pounds is basically turning your back on your marriage vows?

Yes.

Further commentary:

Women can easily give up after marriage because they got what they wanted: locked in commitment from a guy who can't leave without extremely high financial and reputation risk. If he can't leave she can push her limits up to and including being lazy and shitty with her weight and health because staying fit and healthy is actually work. Lazy > work.

This is (the opposite of) Dread 101, by the way: "He won't ever leave me, so I can get fat/not fuck him/be a harpy cunt/etc."

To be fair, husbands who get unfit and sloppy do the same, then turn around and wonder why their women won't fuck them. Again, Dread 101: get fit and attractive, watch the tables turn.

2018-06-11T21:58:56+00:00

You choose your potential death bed with marriage bro.

Son_of_Tzu · 2018-06-11T22:28:15+00:00

Anyone is free to divorce for whatever reason they wish, isn't that the whole purpose of the no fault divorce in America ?

If your partner wishes to divorce you because she realised the sky will never been green well at least you'll have learned two valuable but costly lesson : people (and especially women you commit to) are fickle and twist things to their liking.

exit_sandman · 2018-06-11T22:32:58+00:00

Because women generally coddle their own, and reddit males usually are either virtue-signalling twits or cowards who don't want to be chased from a thread with torches and pitchforks.
The thread screams "faaaaake!" to me, and she has the "excuse" that she was basically just doing what she did before she lost weight, but yeah, letting yourself go like that sucks monkey balls for your partner.

Edit: but regardless of my belief that this thread is BS, I loathe 95% of the people responding there - the willingness to exclusively bash him while completely letting her off the hook is appalling.

Edit2: Jesus, I went through all the responses. These people are revolting. No accountability for her, no consideration for the fact that she was basically actively alienating him with her lifestyle, everyone is making excuses for her (as if her losing 50 lbs automatically meant that losing 80 lbs more was a smooth sailing).

And if that wasn't enough - the extremely short-sighted suggestions from that camp! "Divorce him, he's a pig who doesn't deserve you!" I mean, seriously? Even if they're legitimately outraged on her behalf (probably with a hefty side of feeling personally offended because they aren't exactly twiggies themselves... but that's just speculation), what they're writing is exactly the opposite of in her own interest: because if there's something that's neither in a demand nor really fit for life, it's a morbidly obese single mother of two with health issues and possibly psychological issues on top of that. If she truly went through listening to all those toxic suggestions, there's a 90+% chance that she falls into a hole (because life with two kids isn't easy), will probably continue where she left off with the binge-eating (as her last remaining source of solace), is likely to have or get professional problems (morbidly obese + single parent isn't exactly the best position to become a top worker), and her romantic life will suffer as well for the same reasons. The remaining 10-% are for the off-chance that she truly manages to turn her life around and doesn't bother about her having a hard time on the dating market with two brats in tow. I mean, I don't expect the posters to sympathize with the guy, but that they don't seem to think a second about what she might be facing if she listens to them is shocking. Apparently patting themselves on the back for having been outraged on her behalf and driving her to dismantle her life is more important than anything else.

GayLubeOil · 2018-06-11T23:01:12+00:00

The Bible strictly prohibits sleeping with animals.

That's the word of God. So if you disagree with this comment your disagreeing with God. Have fun with that.

missnettiemoore · 2018-06-12T00:20:21+00:00

This obsession with hating fat people just makes me shake my damned head. Of all the things that can go wrong in a marriage this is still a thing? LOL.

DaphneDK42 · 2018-06-12T02:10:57+00:00

Do you agree that gaining 130 pounds is basically turning your back on your marriage vows? ;

Of course. The issue with the guy in the post is that he apparently didn't clearly tell her before.

TheChemist158 · 2018-06-11T19:42:02+00:00

What the husband did was unacceptable, even given her weight. It is completely fair to expect him to remain faithful. Marriage is about sticking it out through rough times. A guy who immediately goes to find side women as soon as the wife puts on weight is flakey af and not husband material. Utterly inexcusable.

Weight gain happens, particularly as you age, get complacent, and life gets more demanding with kids and careers. It's one of those things that can easily get pushed on the back burner and forgotten. But just because it's not front and center like a crying child or demanding boss doesn't mean it isn't important. It wears down on your health, and losing the weight will get harder every year you keep it on. And staying attractive to your spouse is also important. I don't blame this husband for not finding a 300 pound women attractive. I blame him for his response to it. OP messed up by putting on so much weight, but lots of people do.

I have to give her lots of credit for her attitude and determination. She realizes she fucked up and is actually correcting it. That's awesome, particularly considering how many women can be bitchy about their weight. I bet if her husband came to her sooner with an earnest conversation she would have been open to losing the weight. But he decided to be a bitch himself, say nothing, and cheat. I generally hate the fat acceptance movement, but this is one case where I have to agree with them. Just because you are fat doesn't mean you should tolerate infidelity.

midnightvulpine · 2018-06-11T23:37:59+00:00

Marriage vows are for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. The vows have always been to stay together through good and bad. But most people don't actually pay attention to what marriage means. So no, I don't think she's turning her back on her vows. What vow do you think she's turned her back on?

Pope_Lucious · 2018-06-11T21:36:14+00:00

It’s one of the most disrespectful things a wife can do to a man who committed to her.

Today it’s even worse because women guard against this understood reality with Blue Pill guilting of men,

“you should love me no matter what”.

It’s become nearly taboo to even suggest that your attraction for your wife evaporates if she gets fat, or that she has an obligation to look good within reasonable constraints.

But it’s the truth.

2018-06-11T20:45:31+00:00

Don't marry anyone, problem solved.

2018-06-12T17:12:40+00:00

This is not women being coddled so hard. She had already struggled with her weight during her teens (which at that age is at least partly her parents' fault), and she is already on her way back down to a healthy weight. Keeping off the weight is harder if one used to be overweight. Sure, she has made the mistake of gaining weight, but it was during a both mentally and physically stressful period, and that is not an excuse for her husband to cheat. It is also not even half as bad as abuse (like you implied in your comment), not by a long shot. Yes, it is fair to expect him to remain faithful.
No. Marriage vows don't include "and I swear that I'll never get fat". I also don't think that she got fat on purpose or stopped caring about her weight because she had "locked down" a husband. She had already struggled with her weight before and probably fell back into old habits due to the additional stress of pregnancy, childbirth, and constant attacks from her husband's family.

SpaceWhiskey · 2018-06-11T21:02:33+00:00

Gaining a significant amount of weight after marriage is obviously not ideal. It’s understandable to lose attraction and even respect for your partner if they do. But gaining weight does not dissolve a marriage contract, and if you truly feel it’s a deal breaker, the right thing to do in my opinion is to divorce, not cheat.

Gaining weight in and of itself is not turning your back on your vows, unless your vows include “I promise to always be hot and thin”. Most vows seem to feature some variation “I promise to love you for better or worse, through good times and bad, in sickness and in health” etc.

WeCaredALot · 2018-06-11T22:45:37+00:00

[permanently deleted]

2018-06-11T19:15:21+00:00

[permanently deleted]

AutoModerator · 2018-06-11T19:54:07+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

OhhDatDogOMine · 2018-06-11T20:09:32+00:00

RemindMe! 1 month.

Gonna be real interesting to flip the genders and see the reactions. Any early predictions?

truedemocracy3 · 2018-06-11T23:01:40+00:00

Reddit doesnt coddle just women, they coddle men too. People dont like tough talk. TRP is tough talk and universally hated.

poppy_blu · 2018-06-11T23:10:06+00:00

Depends on the reason for the weight gain. There are legit medical reasons that could cause you to gain 100 pounds.

Most reasonable adults who aren’t mentally still in high school don’t expect their SO not to change physically. Most just want to know their partner is making an effort and seeking treatment for those medical conditions.

Also because you want to live long and be healthy to enjoy activities, be there for your children and grandchildren, not put the burden on your partner to care for you prematurely because you made bad lifestyle choices. Drinking, smoking and drugs should be viewed the same way.

I’m 25 pounds heavier and mr blu is closer to 40 than we were on our wedding day. We’re both active and eat healthy. We don’t give a shit as long as the other is making an effort to be healthy. He’s like a big teddy bear and he has zero complaints about what the tits and ass fairy has bestowed.

Raii-v2 · 2018-06-11T23:10:56+00:00

I wonder how this thread would read if the story was:

“I gained 130 lbs, and instead of cheating my husband divorced me”

But then the comments would probably be filled with people calling dude a scumbag fuckboy.

Just can’t win 🤷🏾‍♂️

2018-06-12T00:02:02+00:00

I think you can get away with 10 pounds a decade. Unless she's popping out kids she has noone but herself to blame for any more than that. Will my future wife get fat? A good chance. While it will be frustrating, I wouldn't cheat. If it was that bad just get a divorce.

newName543456 · 2018-06-12T05:30:26+00:00

"Women are wonderful" effect.
Depends what was in the contract. If it wasn't explicitly stated, you only have yourself to blame for getting married on unclear terms.

cxj · 2018-06-12T09:15:19+00:00

Like all fat people, they should be sent to Auschfatz physical reeducation camp until they are eligible to return to society at a healthy weight and with chips installed in their bodies immediately alerting the authorities if their cholesterol goes over a certain level or their body fat % goes up too much.

L0git3x · 2018-06-12T19:50:29+00:00

If it is all in the tits and ass.. I Approve.

damaskrose · 2018-06-12T20:19:06+00:00

I wouldn't leave my husband if he gained 130 pounds, but I'd definitely be (tactfully) pushing him to lose weight. In fact I'd probably start doing that around the 30 pound mark.

Luke-the-camera-guy · 2018-06-12T22:02:42+00:00

when you clearly are not taking care of yourself physically or mentally.

But she was loosing wait though? And not any of that "i'll make plans or it BS, she lost 50lbs, before discovering this. " I’m currently down 50lbs since the end of January. "

Would you stay with him if he became physically and emotionally abusive?

The vows (as far as i've heard) only include, "in-sickness and in-health", sickness != being berated constantly or physical beaten, it means being sick

I know this will be harsh, but it is extremely shitty for anybody to gain so much weight after marriage. Just because someone put a ring on your finger doesn't mean you can expect him/her to stay with you no matter what.

I actually agree with you there, i'm not really into the whole "letting go of ones-self" simply cause your now with someone who you believe will stick with you through tick and thin. It's back-stabbing behavior to consciously change yourself that much and expect them to be fine with this.
Now for your questions,

Why does reddit always coddle women so hard? I mean I can't be the only one who thinks DOUBLING IN SIZE is acceptable after marriage.

Depending on what side of reddit your browse,(liek me for example) you'll experience different treatment and attitudes, on r/relationships don't ever expect to be treated liek your the persecutor unless you do something the majority of the sub finds nonredeemable such as forms of abuse, cheating(exception if your a repressed homosexual) and breaking of trust. Now since she hasn't done any of those above o something similar, there's no reason for her to be treated harshly resulting in the sub naturally treating her with kindness and re-assurance that its not her fault. ~~It's only partially her fault.~~

They all just shit on the husband, but cmon imagine having to deal with such an obese partner.

It's not particularly the best sub to go to interms of treating both sides fairly, especially if side A betrayed side B due to issues in the relationship the side B was not made aware of, which strongly goes against the subs non-official moto "communication is everything".

Is it really fair to expect him to remain faithful?

Yes? have you never seen an elderly couples(50) pictures, lets say your parents or something like that for example, where there is a drastic difference in not just facial appearance but also weight of one or both of the partners, cause it's pretty common where i'm from. Either the person who has changed their weight, wasn't an issue for their SO or that they were able to deal with it cause of whatever commitments they made. I do agree with you that the husband shouldn't have to deal with or be in a relationship with someone who he's no longer attracted to but he didn't even put in the god damn effort to fix anything about her that hes saw as an issue. Weight is something you can change of yourself and he knew that but was to much of a ~~pussy~~ coward to either inform her or demand she do something about it, instead he lets it fester into eventually cheating on her with random girls online.

Secondly;

Do you agree that gaining 130 pounds is basically turning your back on your marriage vows?

I'm not anywhere near the age where i would want to be married but, intentionally making you health worse, becoming obese, not seeing a medical professional, etc.. while being informed how your SO feels about his by them, would be grounds for justified separation as the cause of the separation is not only them not valuing themselves enough to take proper care, they also disregarded your opinion on said subject and how this affects you.

Superfluous_Toast · 2018-06-16T14:31:46+00:00

I wouldn't care that much as long as they were still the person I married and it wasn't a ridiculously huge amount. If it was, I would be worried for them, and ask them to get some help because that kind of weight gain can kill you and I don't want the person I love to die. If they refused, I would leave them, but only because I couldn't handle the stress of knowing they could drop dead any minute.

2018-06-18T07:38:07+00:00

Only from my own personal experience and it was with a then-boyfriend, not a husband, but frankly, I couldn't help but to find it gross and disrespectful. Especially as I remained fit as the day we met, and he let himself go to where he literally looked heavily pregnant with multiple babies! So the fact that he didn't even bother to be at least passably fit anymore was a big turnoff and passion killer. And it also indicated selfishness that he didn't care about my pleasure and desire, that his huge weight gain in the gut shouldn't impact my ardor!

I was revolted and having sex was an exercise in distasteful tolerance behind the act I put on so as not to hurt his feelings. I dumped him later for other reasons (lazy, longterm unemployed, broke) but it was an issue for me nonetheless.

thereddespair · 2018-06-20T21:37:37+00:00

I gained some since we got steady. Thinking about it deeper, actually I didnt gain pounds (even 1 pound), my weight is still the same remembering my last scale, I simply got less toned?

Schedule changed, wasnt doing as much workout as I did. Stress tied to the guy came into play. Those things tend to weigh me down. Working out, fires me up, fired up - I become more confrontational - that leads to me more prone to fighting - leading to issues in relationships. If I had kids I probably would have actually gained pounds... thinking of all that ridiculous stress (thank god I have none)

If it reaches catastrophic proportions, the toil your relationship is causing you that you end up 130 pounds heavier due to that, you should just do yourself and your partner the favor of ending it under normal circumstances. Unless this somehow become a positive thing between you, for some unknown reason.

2018-06-11T19:24:21+00:00

That's three questions not 2.

wtknight · 2018-06-11T22:29:10+00:00

Why does reddit always coddle women so hard? I mean I can't be the only one who thinks DOUBLING IN SIZE is acceptable after marriage.

Men can and often do gain weight after marriage, as well. If a man isn't going to coddle a woman than he shouldn't expect to be coddled for letting himself go as well.

Do you agree that gaining 130 pounds is basically turning your back on your marriage vows?

No. I consider that kind of weight gain a sickness. It's certainly not healthy. Married people are supposed to stick with their spouses through sickness.

Title	What do you think of men/women gaining weight after marriage.
Author	PublicDonkey
Upvotes	28
Comments	245
Date	June 11, 2018 7:04 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/8qc12r/what_do_you_think_of_menwomen_gaining_weight/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-do-you-think-of-menwomen-gaining-weight-after.261970 https://theredarchive.com/post/261970

Comments