Division of Household Labor with Male Partner

Sage_Planter · 2021-04-02T17:56:05+00:00

If a man isn't interested in contributing to the household management, nothing will make suddenly be an equal participant. No amount of fun couple challenges, chore charts, cutesy games, etc. will change him. These tactics are only effective on three year olds, not thirty three year olds.

My ex was exceptionally good at doing his chores. He'd do his laundry, tidy up his desk, wipe down his sink... I had no issues there. The problem was there were was an endless list of household chores that always needed to get done. If something was an "us chore," it got left to me. Everything from scrubbing toilets to taking the trash out to washing sheets to cleaning the fridge. That's where my frustration was. I wasn't disappointed when I broke up with him and had less chores to do.

AnKeWa · 2021-04-02T17:33:47+00:00

Why do you even bother wasting time to turn some Kevin McXbox into a functioning human adult instead of living alone comfortably until a functioning human adult that is compatible with you comes along?

You ain't a therapist, girl. If he needs you to tell him that grown ups can cook their own meals, he better pay you 80$ an hour for it.

(This obviously doesn't go for cultures that practically enforce it that you need to have a husband, of course)

fogplum · 2021-04-02T18:00:33+00:00

I've never lived with a man but this is too much for me. If I have to tell him to do something he's already failing. If he sees there's something that needs to be done, he should do it. He should take initiative. Plenty of men can cook, I've only found men that love to cook (whether they will continue cooking after you marry and move in together, who knows...), and those who don't know can learn so that is no excuse.

Worldly_Sell · 2021-04-02T17:46:21+00:00

I don’t like cooking, the men I was with cooked so I took it upon myself to clean. It’s called being an attentive partner. I could be wrong but i think that for the men that refuse to do chores, it really just comes down to them not caring about your well-being or best interest.

splendieindependie · 2021-04-02T18:18:49+00:00

There is a valid reason not to be able to cook: severe physical or mental disabilities.

Barring that, everyone can cook. Just boil vegetables for as long as Google tells you to, or follow a recipe. It's not hard. Most people who say they can't cook just don't want to cook and are faking inability in order to have an 'iron-clad' excuse.

If he truly "can't" cook, and he's willing but it's just too difficult, he needs a lot of practice. He can cook every day for however long it takes for him to be able to cook tasty meals, at which point you can return to a more even split.
(Be prepared for the initial meals to be disgusting, until he knows you aren't letting him off that easily.)

Takeout and restaurant meals often are very salty, as are frozen dinners. I wouldn't rely on them.

I also wouldn't trust a man who's unwilling to cook, to do an okay job cleaning. He's faking inability to cook in order to get you to do it - he'll probably, at most, only spot clean a couple of obvious places and then rely on you to either do it right when it's 'your turn', or for you to notice and make a plan to deep clean it together, or dodge responsibility in some other way.

Peak_Tree · 2021-04-02T18:02:18+00:00

The most important part is to assess which chores need to be done once per month or per week and which ones need to be done every. single. day and DEMAND equal division for the later ones. Don't EVER let a man burden you with all the cooking and cleaning ( or childcare) that are super time intensive activities while he thinks he's a model man because he changes a bulb twice per year.

Edit: And by demand I don't mean plead, do chore charts or anything of the sort. Just make clear that if he starts to BS you with malicious incompetence or malicious slacking or malicious anything you will leave, and then do it.

gingerwabisabi · 2021-04-02T18:24:28+00:00

It sounds like maybe you are in the bargaining phase of the 5 stages for a relationship right now? In which case, my first advice is to act as if you are breaking up. Secretly get organized and get your budget tight, figure out how & where you'd move (and a timeline if you need to save for it). When you are ready to walk out THAT DAY if he acts a fool, then have a gentle talk with him about how things are uneven. Take him around the apartment with him making a list of every chore that needs to be done (remind him of things like changing air filters and cleaning fridge) and have HIM arrange the entire list by daily, weekly, monthly, etc. categories. Work together to assign how many minutes each chore should take. Then each of you will get a division of chores that takes into account the time required - and you will be showing him how to do things once if he needs it, but otherwise he can look up instructions online etc. If all he offers is excuses and whining, then you can calmly pack your things and go to a hotel overnight, then sign papers for your new apartment the next day. He will be shocked and will never forget it (but you won't go back to him, you're going on to better). If he agrees but slacks, same thing.

That is my best advice.

_queeeen_ · 2021-04-02T18:35:48+00:00

Don’t date or otherwise reward men who aren’t interested in being helpful around the house.

You can’t make him want to contribute. Where are his ideas in this? Do you want to have constantly explain to your partner his role? If that’s the dynamic, he’s probably L/NV, sees it as nagging, meanwhile you burnout from being his mommy. You deserve more.

UnstrirringCoffee · 2021-04-02T19:34:20+00:00

"Assign" him tasks? "Require him" to do certain things? At this point you are already 100% the household manager, regardless of what he may humor you in doing.

Classic sign of LVM. Ditch, block, delete and move on.

Fatt3stAveng3r · 2021-04-02T17:32:15+00:00

Mine buys takeout when I don't cook dinner, but he also makes me breakfast every day.

In terms of chores we actually DO 50/50. I think it's a very equitable split. He does vacuuming one week, I do it the next. We take turns with community dishes and always put our own away. We have our own bathrooms, and clean them how we prefer (I do a mid-week tidy as well as scrub tub etc on weekends).

It wasn't something we had to hash out with a chore chart and if he had been that bad about it, I probably wouldn't have moved in in the first place.

sassyheather · 2021-04-02T18:06:53+00:00

He does more of the grocery shopping since a. He can carry more things and b. He goes to work and just swings by the store afterwards while I am studying online.

We both cook and take turns, one day I would make dinner, the next day it would be him. Of course I pick up on dinner and don’t insist he does it when it’s his turn but he’s sick. Just like how he’s been cooking for over a week now because I am feeling under the weather.

Our apartment gets cleaned every week and we take turns there as well. Usually whoever cooks, the other one does the dishes except of course now when I’m laying down in pain.

chickenlesnugget · 2021-04-02T19:55:24+00:00

What does "can't cook" even mean...? I was never taught how to cook, when I started cooking for myself I just looked up how to make x then I'd use the step by step instructions to do it. I hear some people don't know how to use the most basic of things because they were never taught how to use even basic cooking tools, but with access to the internet there's no reason they can't Google it... It's not rocket science, it's an excuse.

Exsqueeze_meh · 2021-04-02T21:38:24+00:00

Start cooking for one 🙃

Only_Lime2520 · 2021-04-02T18:06:36+00:00

I feel like theres no fixed ratio. Even for me that ratio changes for example when I have period or when Im sick vs when I have more energy. The rule however is that I shouldn’t feel tired and if I do he should notice it and take on more load.

FatSassyBlackGirl · 2021-04-02T18:45:52+00:00

If he won’t even help by washing the dishes after and basic food prep like chopping things..... I’d say throw that man out!

At the very least he should be appreciative and looking for ways to help you out, you are his partner not his servant. And I agree cooking together or doing chores together can be fun if you make it fun!

mackenzie013 · 2021-04-02T21:21:18+00:00

I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone that wouldn’t keep their apartment to the same standards I have or can’t cook. I’m in my 30s and date men in their 30s so if they can’t cook (especially healthy meals) that’s an immediate dealbreaker, since - how the f*** did he survive until then (did his mother cook for him anytime he’s single)? Also, hamburger helpers and sidekicks or whatever that BS is don’t count. There’s so much content, recipes, cookbooks out there that there’s literally no excuse for not being able to eat healthy.

If the dude refused to do his part in chores I’d just leave him. Like what is even the point; I’m really not interested in dating and living with someone who’s ok living in filth. I also have zero interest in “being compensated” to clean after him. Messy place = messy brain, so it’s key for me to not subject myself to mess. I’ve never done anything more than 50/50 and I will always refuse to do more. Wanna live in filth? Wanna eat garbage? Great - NEXT! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Vmwvi · 2021-04-02T22:44:15+00:00

You dump him and find a man who can cook.

queen_beastmode · 2021-04-02T20:25:45+00:00

If they don't pull their weight I do the minimal to keep my shit together until I dump them.

_RustInPiece_ · 2021-04-02T22:47:45+00:00

My rule of thumb is that each of us has to be able to live on their own and has done in before. If he wants to move out of his momma's house right into mine - not a chance. The state of his home as I enter his life is how I expect to look it in the future as well. Same goes for shared future homes. I'm not pedantic but I value a clean home. He has to have the same housekeeping standards for us to work.

To summarize it: If I'm going to cohabit with a man, this has to been within a marriage. His proposal should come within 12-18 months. For me to accept he has been living on his own for a while. He knows how to cook, clean, wash his clothes, manage his finances, has a stable job with an income at least as high has mine and/or is pursuing a degree to get there. You know, the basic stuff you need to do to be considered a functional member of society. The bare minimum.

When we meet at one of each others home we have a very casual host/guest dynamic. With the addition that the guest has an hands on approach when it comes to cleaning after themselves. Bottom line: Both parties threat each other and the place they are currently frequenting with the highest respect. This comes naturally since we have coherent standards and we see it as a chance to demonstrate that we value each other.

This approach works the best so far. Pre FDS (where I tried cohabitation with a bf) I did 50/50 sharing of household labor -> it didn't work. I tried assigning separating household tasks after skill or preference: Like I clean+do the laundry and he cooks. -> I didn't work either. All of it lead subtle resentment due to the feeling of "keeping score". But to treat household labor like a relationship that needs constant nourishment from all of us works perfectly fine.

Be a HVW and only accept equals.

saraswati_beans · 2021-04-03T12:44:16+00:00

I’ve only lived with one man, my NV ex-husband. With us, it was about 90/10. We fought constantly about DOL and “standards” for cleanliness. Never, ever again.

For all of my most recent ex boyfriend’s faults, he did keep a tidy home. He did his laundry consistently, cooked, didn’t leave dishes in the sink overnight, never let the garbage cans get full. He didn’t enjoy deep cleaning, yard work, or household repairs, so he hired people to take care of these things. This is how I manage my household as well. I stayed at his house 1-4 nights/week, and he never asked or expected me to do any cooking or cleaning. If I did, it was because I wanted to, and he always expressed appreciation.

I’m not dating right now and I don’t know if I’ll ever live with a man again, but if I do, this most recent ex has set the bar for cleanliness pretty high, and I will never accept less again.

MissouriBlue · 2021-04-02T20:11:09+00:00

If I am feeling overwhelmed, I simply state “The household trash needs gathered up and taken to the can. I am going to vacuum. Unless you’d like to trade chores.”

2021-04-02T23:54:50+00:00

I don't live with men. Especially one who doesn't cook or clean. I lived with a boyfriend for a year and it was hell. Im terrified of ever living with one again.

miss_peach94 · 2021-04-02T18:27:25+00:00

If one does the cooking, the other does the dishes/puts on the dishwasher. If one puts on the laundry, the other hangs it up to dry. If one vacuums, the other mops. If one cleans and sprays down the surfaces the other takes down the trash. Things like toilet seat or shower each person should clean up after themselves soon as they're done peeing/showering and not leave their hair bunched up in the drain or pee on the seat. I thought this was how its evenly split?

MrsJohnMarston__ · 2021-04-02T19:19:07+00:00

I can’t say whether this feels like 50/50 but this is what happens in my house:

— He does our child’s bedtime EVERY night because he WANTS to do her bedtime — He does the majority of the vacuuming — He unloads the dishwasher/fills it about 80-90% of the time it needs doing — He still cooks 2/3 times a week — He does 4/7 breakfasts with our child — He cooks 3-4 dinners for our child — On a night, he does most of the nighttime changes if our child wakes up

When neither of us cooks we get a take away (takeout).

I do the following

— 3/7 breakfasts for my child a week — 3/7 lunches (ditto) — I cook on average 3-4 times a week — I mainly clean the bathroom (which I hate) — 3/7 weekdays looking after our child — I do a midweek tidy and clean of the kitchen — I tidy up the toys — I wash the nappies 90% of the time (including emptying the dirties) — I do ALL the laundry

The thing we both hate is tidying up, but we’re looking at getting a cleaner so hopefully that frees enough time to do even a little bit of tidying.

I don’t know if that’s 50/50 what I described but I certainly don’t feel lumbered with everything. If I’m unwell he’ll lend a bigger hand.

idiosyncraticg1 · 2021-04-02T20:31:15+00:00

I truly have no idea. My father is an amazing cook and I grew up with that. I’ve only dated guys who knew how to cook. A guy should have at least 2 staple meals, if he doesn’t then how the hell has he survived up until this point? An ex of mine knew how to make a bomb breakfast, burritos, and steak. We never lived together but whenever I slept over at his place he took care of wine and dinner. How do you get to the point of moving in with someone when they’ve never even made you dinner?

My answer to this would be to simply not move in with someone who is clearly still a child mentally. Cooking and cleaning skills should be a priority, if someone doesn’t have that it’s such a turn off.

GretaTheBeeotch · 2021-04-03T14:04:59+00:00

If he wanted to, he would.

Don’t marry this man & don’t breed with him.

He does not value you & he will never contribute equally to the household/partnership. No amount of explanations/polite requests/lists/management will ever change that.

If he wanted to, he would.

52490 · 2021-04-02T23:57:15+00:00

I have never cooked for a man regularity when we both are working. If he can’t cook then he needs to buy our meals and I’m only cooking when I genuinely feel like it, want to, etc. meal prep my own lunches etc. I could see it working if you cook and he does all cleanup and grocery shopping tho.

I never do a mans laundry. I will if he has a few things that can be thrown in with mine, but he also does mine if the reverse is true but generally take care of your own personal belongings. I think we all can think of the reasons why I don’t wanna do a mans laundry, beyond it’s just an extra chore. He does household laundry (sheets towels etc) regularity.

As far as general cleaning, with one man I had to actually lay out the weekly chores that needed to be done and we assigned them to one of us. That worked ok. It’s also worked if he is just actually mindful and cleans regularity anyway.

A lot of this is a vetting issue. I wouldn’t be with someone who didn’t at least meet the above reqs.

sacrallife · 2021-04-03T04:45:11+00:00

Date someone who can do those things. Fk the rest. The end.

divination__ · 2021-04-03T10:27:06+00:00

Find a man who cooks in the first place. That is the only solution. Finds someone who meets your standards from the get go.

AdmiralRando · 2021-04-03T10:37:40+00:00

I have tried to “make cooking fun” with boys, too. Because they were my kids.

Men cook when they want to.

Scotsburd · 2021-04-03T11:01:34+00:00

I do laundry as my clothes are expensive and I don't want him near them. He shops and cooks all meals. We both clean. He does gardening and DIY. I look pretty. We both work full time.

AcademicMobile1 · 2021-04-03T13:22:45+00:00

My little brother is probably one of the dumbest, most helpless acting LVM I've ever known.

Guess who learned how to cook and bake quite well during the past year of COVID isolation and even borrowed cook books from me? Yup, my idiot brother.

VanessaViews · 2021-04-03T12:24:48+00:00

We have a cleaning lady that comes every two weeks. Things like loading and unloading the dishes get done by who ever sees that it needs to be done. When we were in lockdown he was still paying our cleaning lady but not having her come. We split the chores about 50/50. I do most of the vacuuming because I pet sit on the side which leaves a ton of dog hair and because I kinda love using my dyson. He always takes out the trash because I don't like doing that. He does his laundry I do my laundry. He does the majority of grocery shopping for staples like eggs bread meats and fruits and veggies. I grocery shop if Im doing a recipe and have specific ingredients I need to buy. We both cook about equally maybe me a bit more now because cooking and trying new recipes is a source of entertainment during this pandemic for me. If I cook a recipe he cleans up the kitchen afterwards and puts the food away. This is all done without me asking. We also do take out alot and joke that we "have to support locally owned businesses" which he pays for like 90% of the time but I do pay here and there. You could maybe sign up for hello fresh and do it together? That's what we did during lockdown as a fun activity.

ThrowawayKITTY777 · 2021-04-04T01:05:03+00:00

My current relationship is the absolute best I've ever had for division of labor.

During my recovery from surgery my dude was doing 100% of things at my house. And doing them really well. One of the things that I really liked about him when we were just dating was that his apartment was "my kind of clean" no dirty ceiling fans, under the stove hood was clean, no ring in the bathtub etc. He knows how to make things nice at home.

I think now we're about 75/25 in my favor at my house mostly because I still can't do stairs without a cane so that cuts me off from carrying hampers to the laundry room in the basement and doing any big cleaning upstairs.

But I'm back to doing more cooking stuff and have been vacuuming the main floor and doing some light gardening, basically I only do the kinds of chores that don't require me to carry anything heavy. If we do spend the night at his place it's all him doing everything... but it's rare we even go over there anymore his building has a crappy elevator and I'd be stuck with 5 flights of stairs to deal with if the elevator dies.

Before I was injured we both did most of the labor at our separate places on our own, but cooking was usually shared because we like cooking together. He'd pitch in and join me in my routine cleaning on Saturday mornings if he stayed over Friday night. No fussing or foot dragging we'd just split the chore list and get it done twice as fast with both of us doing it.

This is the first relationship I've been in where I feel like I really have a partner in life stuff. And not one I have to train either, he's got about my same level of preferring things clean and just takes care of stuff that needs dealing with rather than letting it pile up.

Going forward once I heal up all the way it'll likely be closer to 50/50 on chores. But not a grudging 50/50 that you have to nag and haggle over. He's got his preferred chores... he LIKES doing laundry and it's my least favorite bit of housework. He hates mowing the lawn and I love doing it. We'll probably just each end up doing the parts of housework we like and everything will get done with everyone happy.

ChocoBananza · 2021-04-05T06:17:59+00:00

I’m not living with my bf yet, but so far, it looks like our life together would be at least 50/50, but there is a great chance that he would do more.

For now I spend a lot of time at his place, and his flat is always immaculate. I cook, he helps with the prep, or does most of it. If I don’t cook, he orders take out. Both groceries and take out are ALWAYS paid by him.

The faith I have in the 50/50 division with him is the way he sees chores. For example, he’s allergic to dust, and he’s cleaning most of the time, but because he’s used to it, he doesn’t see it as something hard, but as something that’s easy and must be done (aka a default). Cooking, however, is something that he doesn’t like to do, so he appreciates is so much more when I do it. We do prep together because it’s a fun activity that we do as a couple.

If he wanted to, he would. I’ll keep reminding myself of this, so I have the strength to leave, in case that his mask slips.

subtlecuttlefish · 2021-04-12T20:40:03+00:00

Hard boundary for anyone I live with (be it housemate or relationship partner) is "they must take on their fair share of the chores on their own initiative". An added boundary for partners is "they must cook normal meals like a normal adult". That includes meal planning, food shops and clean-up.

I've had to move 10 times in the last 11 years and nearly always rented a room in a shared house with other adults, so I have experienced a lot of different housemates. I have lived with some extremely neat and helpful men. (I have also lived with some disgusting slobbish women). This is not a gender thing, it's an adult thing. And the housemates that didn't do the basic cleaning were a constant headache. Don't live with other adults unless they proactively clean.

And if a partner can't even clean up after themselves, they are already doubling your workload purely by existing. And that's just the two of you at normal capacity - how are they going to help when the household chores get doubled when you have a kid? When you get a promotion and suddenly have to work more hours? When you're sick and low energy?

Secondly, MEN CAN COOK JUST FINE. I have two brothers, one who hosts "Come Dine With Me" dinners for his friends the other who cooks meals at home and brings them over to his girlfriend for Friday nights. My dad bakes bread for the family twice a week and he was the one who taught my mum to cook. Come to think of it, all my male friends can cook pretty well. One guy friend even cooks special food for his girlfriend who has severe dietary restrictions. My best friend's husband makes vegan food for them both (they met at a vegan meetup), my other friend has a fiance that bakes sourdough and fancy shit. My current boyfriend is not especially adventurous but he still cooks proper healthy meals from scratch when I come over (we alternate taking turns to cook and also cook together). When I'm not there I know he's making similar things for himself. Every single one of these men are straight and hold down a full time job.

And yes, you can break up with people "just" because they don't cook and clean. I broke up with a guy I was dating in my early twenties because he was so incompetent at basic life stuff. He was no help at any stage of the cooking process when we cooked together. He couldn't budget. He just didn't "see" mess and would only do chores if explicitly asked. I'd been giving him a pass because we were both fresh out of uni and still learning adult life skills - but after a while it became clear that I was the only one who was learning despite repeatedly bringing it up with him. It made him so unattractive to me and I couldn't see a future with someone like that so I eventually broke it off.

I promise you, there is better out there for you. If you find a guy who can't/won't cook and clean, throw him back lol he's not done growing yet.

Comments