Honest discussion; let’s talk about the solitude that comes with being a HVW

gingerwabisabi · 2021-06-13T20:24:03+00:00

I have complicated feelings about it. I am very happy being essentially a hermit and always have been happy enough with that lifestyle that I have a hard time making friends simply because I prefer all the little projects I have going on at home, so it feels like a sacrifice to go out. Obviously, quarantine was a breeze for me. BUT, I do get FOMO sometimes and am craving more female friends as I get older, plus I've realized the importance of networking when it comes to career. I am planning to start going to some meetups this fall. I also miss my early twenties when I was far more naive about human nature and thus made friends very easily when I did get out of the house. Nowadays I'm much more cautious and I hate it, but I've been burned a number of times so it's harder to open up. Plus I feel like a bit of a downer - I warned my family and some friends in January 2020 about COVID and that quarantines would be coming, sent them masks, etc and got a lot of "Why are you so gloomy about it? It's in China, not here." I've always been very concerned about the climate and now with being a radfem I'm just... not easygoing. Not that I always try to bring things up, I adore simply going shopping and then out to eat, watching movies, etc., but just the way I live my life seems to make some people uncomfortable. I accept I'm quite eccentric, just wish it was easier to find people who like going thrift store shopping and thrift flipping the items, watching movies and TV together but never anything gory, animal training, or one of a hundred other things I'm interested in. Seems when I do find a "kindred spirit" she's usually so busy with family that we never get time to hang out. Oh well. It might just be the town I'm in, too, not the best place here.

thinktwiceorelse · 2021-06-13T21:24:41+00:00

Work + hobbies + pets and refusing to deal with other people's bs. I love my solitude. It's underrated.

SnooEagles9138 · 2021-06-13T20:49:57+00:00

I cut other women more slack than men. Most people are fuck ups and I have not always behaved correctly either. It happens that people cancel quite late bc of life stuff... it happens. I just try to monitor if it becomes a habit. There are hard lines ofc, but in general I forgive people depending on how often stuff happens

laffytaggy · 2021-06-13T20:04:22+00:00

Great post. I really struggle with this. One thing that I notice is that any time that I’m doing my best (leveling up and devoting myself to personal growth) I’m the most alone. When I kind of let myself go and I’m directionless, those are the times where my social life seems to be thriving. It’s a challenge but I’ve listened to a lot of notable people in the business world, spiritual world, etc. that speak of the importance of solitude. A lot of our philosophers that we get our greatest ideas from preach about the benefits of solitude. So I try to distinguish loneliness from solitude. And I also try to use the time to indulge myself with self-love, self care, and self growth…nourishing myself. I know it’s hard now, but I think in the long run that it will be beneficial to me to really focus on myself and be more discerning about the people I allow into my close circle. I also have a close bond and relationship with my family and some people that I’ve known for a while and I am able to connect with them in those moments where I feel like I miss that close relationship.

vbych76 · 2021-06-14T03:19:23+00:00

Just yesterday I got that quote from Ch.Bukowski, who is, of course, the epitome of a LVM "and when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want. What do you call it, freedom or loneliness?”

Trojaneer_South · 2021-06-13T23:33:34+00:00

I'm romantically solo and while I have a great friend group, I often pursue my hobbies without them. I've recently become more involved with my community and that's involved a lot of short chats with new acquaintances, which made me realize even that kind of fleeting but meaningful interaction is 1000% better than wasting time with scrotes and OLD.

So in a given week if those handful of 5 minute community chats are my main source of interaction, I still feel better off.

hologothic · 2021-06-14T06:34:46+00:00

I always keep telling myself that moving forward is better than moving backward. Being a pickme got me nothing but abuse from NVM's, and my last relationship with one was especially scarring.

It's not easy to keep your standards high in a world that's constantly feeding women the message that we're not valid unless we're with a man.

I try to remember what's most important to me and that I shouldn't be settling. We all deserve to be happy. I was seeing two men up until recently, both regularly for about six months, and even though they were very nice and HVMs on paper they just weren't stepping up. One went on vacation and thought I'd wait around for him, the other wasn't assertive enough and expected me to lead the entire relationship. That's not what I want. I liked them both a lot, but I knew I wouldn't be happy with either of these guys, so I cut things off.

Just try to keep in mind that yes, you deserve to be happy and no, it's not too much to ask.

Impossible_Mud_7599 · 2021-06-14T07:16:45+00:00

You just do

Context: was in a car accident when I was 18; we’d all been drinking. Still, I was shocked to find out that the girls in the car with me (I was trapped in the backseat and the driver was also pinned in) got out, and called people from the party to come and get them. They never called me an ambulance. Someone at the party, a close friend of my brother’s, called one for me.

I’ll never have trouble cutting people out of my life again. And I’m almost grateful for it, you know? Silence and quiet are a music we all need to learn to appreciate.

ShegoGreen · 2021-06-14T07:43:17+00:00

No matter how lonely I might feel hypothetically, it would still be better than being surrounded by people who lack ambition, emotional stability, or joy. I'm alone, but I'm happy and I still make the effort to check in on several acquaintances from time to time.

Anyone who is interested in self improvement, and maintaining their mental peace, is going to have to sit at the table alone sometimes. Not all the time, but sometimes. And I'm willing to pay that price.

Even HVM often have a small group of close confidants or family members they rely on. They're mostly focused on work and accomplishing their goals.

Twohagsover30 · 2021-06-13T20:02:07+00:00

Other female friendships. Full stop.

My girlfriends would move mountains for me and I'd do the same for them.

Being "single" doesn't mean that you'll be without a community. Ever.

Hoarse_Girl · 2021-06-13T20:00:03+00:00

I believe learning to enjoy solitude can do great things for your mental health and personal fortitude. Meditation can help you bridge that gap since oftentimes the real issue people have with solitude is that they don't know how to handle their minds without something external to frame their thoughts moment to moment. As for loneliness, I recommend doing charity work or getting a pet. I personally practically OD'd on all 3 of the above recommendations prior to finding my husband, and they continue to help me even now... and I will probably be leaning more heavily into them this summer than ever before because my best friend just moved cross country 😭 All of you beautiful queens are definitely not alone out there!!

GrungeAudrey · 2021-06-13T21:06:11+00:00

[deleted]

srkambbs1 · 2021-06-14T03:30:09+00:00

I come to this subreddit

denimlace · 2021-06-13T20:13:03+00:00

I’m an introvert so I feel like it’s easier for me than maybe the more extroverted ladies out there. But I started going out to this monastery once in a while and it’s so peaceful to walk the grounds and they have free tea and snacks for visitors too. When I go, there are always visitors or regulars I run into that I chat with. There are healthy ways to connect with people also on spiritual/uplifting journeys if you look for it.

Lazy-Tax3986 · 2021-06-14T02:35:05+00:00

I get lost in movies & television. That's what I do when I feel lonely. Also, writing & reading books helps too with getting lost. Or going down rabbit holes on social media, youtube, etc. Also, a good workout will tire you out, so you don't have the energy to feel lonely lol. But mainly, just keeping your relationships with family and friends close is good. I'm always looking up cool places I could go with my friends or looking up cocktail recipes for the next get-together.

Far_from_deceived · 2021-06-14T11:51:40+00:00

I started reading (haven’t finished yet) a book called Loneliness. It scientifically explains the concept of social pain and has arguments about why some people even when surrounded by others still feel lonely. It’s a great read.

Basically it’s hard to be happy with the content that other people has to offer. So we feel lonely. The normal social interactions don’t make us feel accomplished. They are too poor.

That’s how I felt with my girlfriends and people from work. I don’t care about what they are saying. I don’t wanna listen to my pickeme friends. It’s annoying. They have nothing useful to say.

But answering your question: I have been taking courses in my field, I have been learning the piano, I come to this sub, I read books, talk to my family. But I don’t have girlfriends as I cut the old ones due to the pickme behavior.

Because of the pandemic I haven’t been able to interact and make new friends. I have been feeling lonely and a bit sad. But I think it’s mostly because I can’t find people that fulfill me.

When I went out with my old friends they would suck my energy. (I moved overseas so I think it could also be a culture thing). I am still trying to find out if it’s culture or people in general that can put up with my standards.

luvmyvulvaxoxo · 2021-06-14T03:43:51+00:00

I often embrace solitude further by backpacking or doing 12 hour hikes alone.

I care for my dog.

I reach out to family members. Whether it’s text or asking to talk on the phone.

Put on good music and create art, dance or clean.

I also love discovering new artists, shows, musicians, books, on my own. It has the added benefit of when you do talk to other people you can try to share something with them.

throwaway88043468 · 2021-06-13T23:09:47+00:00

I fucking love solitude so it works for me lol. All the time in the world to work on myself and not worry about anyone else 🌟

Pryras · 2021-06-14T07:09:13+00:00

It can be lonely but finding this sub and tuning into the podcast has given me a safe haven of sorts.

I have always been comfortable with my own company so it doesn’t bother me as much. People are so draining and listening to men talk can be brain numbing lol

RecentSprinkles5997 · 2021-06-14T14:32:28+00:00

I’m happy with the friends and social life I have but the fact I don’t put up with male bullshit I’m expected to definitely means I’ve lost some friends . I cut off contact with most of the group of ppl I socialized with in college after they defended a rapist . I lost an old friend of ten years after his friend had to be held back from punching a woman in the face because he felt emasculated and he continued to hang out with him. And at work because I speak up and I don’t take part in bashing my own appearance and abilities to fit in , that’s had some social consequences. Sometimes i feel a bit sad about it But then I remember the stress and frustration putting up with those ppl causes and I value my peace of mind more.

Also I think about how rare it is for any woman to be able to have solitude . Women in a lot of countries still can’t live alone, so many of our sisters in the past were in forced marriages , had to move into some scrotes family home , have sex whenever he demanded and be treated as a servant their entire life .

I highly value my moments of solitude and that I have time for my hobbies and I know many generations of women would have killed to even have the option to even be alone in the first place .

veniphyl · 2021-06-14T13:28:22+00:00

As an only child, it's always been easy for me to be alone. Traveling alone has been my thing since I was a teenager. I take myself out on regular basis. I'm lucky. Most people just don't get it. They thought I was lonely, especially when I'm abroad by myself.

AssociateDear6001 · 2021-06-14T16:14:21+00:00

I had to cut a lot of friends out after reconnecting after the pandemic. Most of them due to being super boy crazy to the point of obsession or just being drama mamas. It's very lonely, but the vibes are immaculate sis.

GabbaG0ul · 2021-06-14T18:14:36+00:00

It can be lonely as sometimes it feels like the whole world is against you. Make no mistake, LVM/LVW are offended by your existence. They will direct a lot of unprovoked attention towards you. But remember, you don’t actually value their opinions. I let go of all of the pickme friends. My social circle is now very small ,but very fulfilling. I’m very invested in my career so I don’t always notice that there are less people to hang out with on the weekends. But, I also don’t have to monitor which one of my pickme friends is sexually harassing my husband.

all_or_nothing_bet · 2021-06-14T19:57:18+00:00

I love solitude. It's my favorite state of being.

piptarou · 2021-06-14T16:24:44+00:00

For a long time, before FDS, I struggled with depression and solitude. At some point I got tired of the depression and got formally diagnosed. I ended up also being diagnosed with anxiety as well, but I was lucky that I found a medication that works reasonably well for me.

On top of this, I make sure to do one productive and one creative thing a day outside of work. It doesn't have to be much.

I also, within reason, say yes to anything my friends and family want to do (barring Covid restrictions). I also have a list of things I want to do/learn in a 2 year period.

To me, it is okay to have LV friends as long as they are not bringing you down. If they aren't LV in your friendship then that is OK. But if you've made plans with them and they've cancelled a few times in a row, or you're the only one making plans? Ditch them.

With Covid restrictions lifting, now may be a good time to join a class if you have the spare money. Right now, I'm keeping my eye out for a pottery class being offered in my area!

Always be improving on things you want to improve. If you want to hermit for a while, that's okay too. But don't let yourself get into a slump.

Animal shelters are a great way to get out and do something that makes you feel good. Visit the cats, walk the dogs. Remind yourself that you are worth every effort.

Turbulent_Trifle · 2021-06-14T12:37:13+00:00

Accept that life is like the changing seasons. The seasons come and go, and as winter turns to spring so will the winter in your life come to an end. Don't let these times trouble you and see it as an opportunity to rest and find strength within yourself.

Title	Honest discussion; let’s talk about the solitude that comes with being a HVW
Author	taylor232424
Upvotes	320
Comments	66
Date	June 13, 2021 7:51 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/nz4dcq/honest_discussion_lets_talk_about_the_solitude/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/honest-discussion-lets-talk-about-the-solitude.782498 https://theredarchive.com/post/782498

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